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Thread: Am I really just a consolation prize after gfs broken engagement

  1. #1
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    Am I really just a consolation prize after gfs broken engagement

    Hi all, lurker here finally posting...

    Been with girlfriend for around 1.5 years now. First year was incredible. So much chemistry, such a shared sense of humour and everything just felt right. Her words and actions seemed to make it clear shes never felt quite like this before and shes relayed this to her family and friends, all of whom seem really happy for her / us.

    Its gotten more serious and weve now moved in together and as time has gone on Ive started to have thoughts about her past and if what she says and how she acts is really the truth.

    Back in 2012 she was cheated on and dumped by her fianc. He doesnt come up in conversation much and she admits it hurt her and took a while to get over, but says that looking back shes glad it ended as there were plenty of red flags she missed.

    Shes had boyfriends since but I get the impression none were taken as seriously and certainly none got anywhere near marriage.

    I suppose my fear is all about the what if. What if she deep down wishes it had been different and worked out with the other guy? Shed now be long married, with a home and kids. She talks about how in retrospect he wasnt great, but she still agreed to commit her entire life to him, which included uprooting to another country. In my mind he must have been pretty special and not the loser she makes him out to be.

    What if she never really, really got over it and Im just a consolation prize of sorts? Our relationship has been wonderful and very deep, but maybe it cant compete with the intensity of her and her fiancs back in her early 20s. Ill never know.

    This didnt cross my mind in the first year and I never considered him or any other ex a threat. He lives abroad so even now I still dont really, but now its all-consuming and I hate feeling like this. Shes really done nothing to bring this on either.

    Not sure if Im even looking for answers, just really venting. Im got no intention of opening up old an unnecessary wounds by bringing it up to her and am hoping it will pass in time.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Does she talk about marriage or believe living together is a prelude to marriage? You've been together long enough to talk about what it is you both expect and if you have no interest in marriage, kids, etc you need to tell her.
    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    Been with girlfriend for around 1.5 years now. and weve now moved in together

    I suppose my fear is all about the what if. What if she deep down wishes it had been different and worked out with the other guy? Shed now be long married, with a home and kids.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're insecure. Don't let that get the better of you. I think the first five years or so of any relationship there are questions about comparisons and the past might come up more frequently than later on. You're still getting to know each other. Those feelings of being a consolation prize seem a little strong to me. I'm more prone to suggesting you deal with your insecurities more effectively and don't overburden the relationship with your issues.

    If you have a strong connection with each other and are future-planning or you can see yourself with this person and feel good around her, you'll have to learn how to snuff out destructive thoughts. It's no good having a good thing if you're going to sabotage it.

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    This didnt cross my mind in the first year and I never considered him or any other ex a threat. He lives abroad so even now I still dont really, but now its all-consuming and I hate feeling like this. Shes really done nothing to bring this on either.

    its not her issue - its yours. you need to get over your insecurity. She has said that she dodged a bullet by the engagement being broken (she admits that in hindsight there were red flags she missed). She was engaged, didn't marry him, met other guys who she didn't feel were a match, and then met you. Please don't sabotage this.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Does she talk about marriage or believe living together is a prelude to marriage? You've been together long enough to talk about what it is you both expect and if you have no interest in marriage, kids, etc you need to tell her.
    Yes she has said countless times shed like us to get married and seems quite excited by the prospect. I know shes told her parents that too.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this what you really want? Or is the real reason for your sudden doubts more about not being ready for this, knowing well these are her end goals. You guys need to talk, not just play house. Do some soul searching and don't be the guy who coasts along complacently who never really wants to pull the trigger deep down. Is that what the guilt is all about?
    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    Yes she has said countless times shed like us to get married and seems quite excited by the prospect. I know shes told her parents that too.

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    This didnt cross my mind in the first year and I never considered him or any other ex a threat. He lives abroad so even now I still dont really, but now its all-consuming and I hate feeling like this. Shes really done nothing to bring this on either.

    its not her issue - its yours. you need to get over your insecurity. She has said that she dodged a bullet by the engagement being broken (she admits that in hindsight there were red flags she missed). She was engaged, didn't marry him, met other guys who she didn't feel were a match, and then met you. Please don't sabotage this.
    Ill reply to both yourself and Rose Mose here. Im aware its likely insecurity but just dont understand where it came from. In the first year I had no doubt at all I gave her far more than any previous partners, to the extent I almost felt too cocky.

    The insecurities are only about the ex fianc too. I can laugh and joke about her more recent ex, who she lived with (in the apartment we now live) and actually spent more time with than the fianc. We even bumped into him in the street and I happily shook his hand.

    I think a couple of things stand out - the fianc dumped her and so shes always seems that tad more butthurt about it than other boyfriends she dumped herself. She actually took him back after he cheated then he dumped her so I think its something shell always feel a bit about. I dont want her to feel bad about this as it must have been awful.

    The other issue is how it got as far as engagement. Wedding planning, excited families and serious plans for the future etc. It just feels so much more or a big deal than a standard ex.

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    Wiseman - no absolutely not. I love her and want to be with her. Weve only just moved in so not exactly plodding along playing house yet.

    I will admit that a wedding is a stressful thought, even though Id love to be married to her. Shes from a much richer family than I am, who have quite high expectations for things in life and the cost / potential challenges of it all feel quite stressful.

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    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    I

    I think a couple of things stand out - the fianc dumped her and so shes always seems that tad more butthurt about it t

    "butthurt" means unreasonably and almost comically upset. Of course a relationship that was longer than the others or more committed would hurt more at the time.

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    "butthurt" means unreasonably and almost comically upset. Of course a relationship that was longer than the others or more committed would hurt more at the time.
    Sorry that was unkind wording. I guess some of my doubts come from the disconnect between how she describes him, yet admits to being heartbroken at the time. When he came up (never at my behest) shed suggest she is almost embarrassed about it all, that he was an attention seeking liar, sexually incompetent and an excessive drinker. It makes me think why shed even care when he ended it.

    I know thats not the right way to think and doesnt take into account the complexity of human relationships, but I cant control what goes on in my head.

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