Am I really just a consolation prize after gf’s broken engagement

[Badmamajama]

I did not say you are stringing her along.
You are "securing" her or taking her off the market without committing to her.
You don't have a secure relationship right now and buying property together falsely secures it. Work through your insecurities. There is no rush to get property.

And what i described - neither of those people intended to string eachother along. Other stuff just happened and they let it get in the way - they forgot what their priority was and now both are resentful/feel uncommitted to/feel like the other person is just used to them.

Even if you don't have a religion, its still putting the cart before the horse.
If you both value getting married - then get married. If you want to be business partners, then buy property.
Just because "people do it" doesn't mean you should.

What are you talking about? Are you suggesting a relationship isn’t ever secure before marriage? Do you live in the 19th century?

I’m fully committed to her, have made her part of my family and support her in every aspect of her life. How dare you suggest otherwise when you know nothing about us.

Your view are your views and people are free to play out a relationship the way they choose. It’s not your place to say whether or not they should get married, have kids or get a home in a specific order.

[bluecastle]

I suppose I just need to know that she’d never want him back (effectively impossible as he lives in another country anyway) and that she’s happier with me than she was with him.

When I read this I see something else. I see her ex as kind of proxy for you trying to plug every hole in the ship, so you can "know" that it will never, ever sink if you take it out to the deep waters.

Here's the thing: that is an impossible task. A healthy relationship cannot be built around the certainty that it will never sink, because the search for that certainty negates the very thing that makes connections so valuable: the inherent mystery of another human being, with free will and personal agency. It is, in ways, blotting out the full spectrum of another human in order to be more secure in your own human skin.

This word "respect" gets tossed around a lot, without us really knowing what it means. It doesn't mean respecting someone's passion for civil rights law, or respecting their kindness with strangers—but respecting their autonomy, that flame in them that you can never touch but can only cherish and celebrate. And so we choose someone with a flame that warms us, that we can have a certain faith will not burn us, as we trust that our own flame will not burn them.

And yet, everyone may indeed burn up. Nothing—no ring, no vows, no mortgage, nothing—can negate that reality, as the world proves is time and again, every day. It's okay for all that to be scary, and it's okay to have a cell or two in your mind that's questioning it. That is healthy, human. But I would consider the idea that you are, right now, a little scared of getting on that ship and setting out toward the horizon, which is, again, okay. The ship is still docked, right now, preparing for the voyage. Enjoy that process and, I think, you'll be less concerned about what's out there and simply thrilled to set off when the time is right.

[abitbroken]

What are you talking about? Are you suggesting a relationship isn’t ever secure before marriage? Do you live in the 19th century?

I’m fully committed to her, have made her part of my family and support her in every aspect of her life. How dare you suggest otherwise when you know nothing about us.

Your view are your views and people are free to play out a relationship the way they choose. It’s not your place to say whether or not they should get married, have kids or get a home in a specific order.

your relationships is insecure because you have insecurity. you are punishing her in a way from having a previous love in her life. A house can not be built on a shaky foundation. I would not buy a house together at this time. I would work through your personal insecurities first.

You do come across as rather defensive, IMHO

[Badmamajama]

your relationships is insecure because you have insecurity. you are punishing her in a way from having a previous love in her life. A house can not be built on a shaky foundation. I would not buy a house together at this time. I would work through your personal insecurities first.

You do come across as rather defensive, IMHO

I don’t punish her. If you’d read my posts you’d see the parts where I point out I’d never bring it up as I know it’s irrational. She an incredibly happy woman with me.

You come across as someone full of their own issues and desperate to project them on others.

[bluecastle]

I'm curious—and I don't mean this for selfish reasons—if anything in my last post resonated. Perhaps I'm aiming to split the proverbial baby in the dustup here.

Your commitment to her strikes me as sincere. What strikes me as an issue is that you are suddenly less "certain" about it all, while looking for a way to be certain rather than a way to let go of the need for certainty. This would make sense, considering that, not long ago, you were not certain about your own health—and in that state of uncertainty you sought a false-refuge in a FB deep dive.

Zooming out a bit, away from the specifics, I think this is normal, okay, healthy. At the end of the day believing in a relationship's health is more like believing in god than in antibiotics; it requires a certain faith far more than hard science.

That faith can dim here and there. It is allowed. I suppose I'm encouraging you to maybe see it like that, so the instinct to judge—yourself, her past relationship—is replaced by something a bit more softer, an instinct to embrace the full spectrum of both of you: her past, your deep dive and subsequent spins. That way you can give it all a hug, say "it is what it is," and, with that, the specifics dissolve in the petri dish and the faith glows a bit brighter.

[Badmamajama]

Thanks @bluecastle and yes it has resonated, however things took a strange turn last night and so long story short, I’m going to get rid over the weekend.

On Thursday I accidentally left the tap running a tiny bit in the bathroom for hours and she wasn’t too pleased, as she said it could leak into our downstairs neighbour. I said sorry, but that if the drainage system is ok it shouldn’t leak. She said that when she lived abroad in a share house (also the year she met the fiancé) the same thing happened and leaked downstairs.

I said this was only one example and asked if she’d had a plumber confirm that leaving a tap on gently will flood downstairs. She said no, but “people who knew about plumbing” had told her in the past.

One of the few FB posts I saw about her and her ex-fiancé in 2011 was one where she thanked him for fixing her sink. It clicked that this was the same incident in the share house. He is the guy who “knew about plumbing.”

I didn’t say anything back, but for the first time she’s compared me unfavourably to him and to be honest that’s it for me. I may be over-reacting but this isn’t going to get better, so I’ll end it this weekend.

[Wiseman2]

Ok whose place is it or did you co-sign a lease? Hopefully you'll be able to move out without much ado. It sounds like you've been examining and reexamining this whole situation with her and this was just the thing you needed to get out of it. It's not about plumbing, is it?

I didn’t say anything back, but for the first time she’s compared me unfavourably to him and to be honest that’s it for me. I may be over-reacting but this isn’t going to get better, so I’ll end it this weekend.

[Badmamajama]

Ok whose place is it or did you co-sign a lease? Hopefully you'll be able to move out without much ado. It sounds like you've been examining and reexamining this whole situation with her and this was just the thing you needed to get out of it. It's not about plumbing, is it?

It’s her place. I can find another quite quickly and have family in the same city anyway.

It’s not about plumbing. I took on a woman with the baggage of a failed engagement where she’d been dumped, and due to that situation always had the slight niggling feeling that she may have wished it had worked out with her fiancé. I do not want to life my life as a backup plan.

I thought I was wrong, hoped I was wrong, but last night she proved me right with that comment.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, so it's just a matter of walking out the door. Yeah, it's silly talking about fancy weddings, mortgages, etc when you have so many reservations and just living together caused this type of meltdown. It's wise to leave now before you wore each other down more. You were looking for the exit sign and you found it.

It’s her place. I can find another quite quickly and have family in the same city anyway. but last night she proved me right with that comment.

[mustlovedogs]

Thanks @bluecastle and yes it has resonated, however things took a strange turn last night and so long story short, I’m going to get rid over the weekend.

On Thursday I accidentally left the tap running a tiny bit in the bathroom for hours and she wasn’t too pleased, as she said it could leak into our downstairs neighbour. I said sorry, but that if the drainage system is ok it shouldn’t leak. She said that when she lived abroad in a share house (also the year she met the fiancé) the same thing happened and leaked downstairs.

I said this was only one example and asked if she’d had a plumber confirm that leaving a tap on gently will flood downstairs. She said no, but “people who knew about plumbing” had told her in the past.

One of the few FB posts I saw about her and her ex-fiancé in 2011 was one where she thanked him for fixing her sink. It clicked that this was the same incident in the share house. He is the guy who “knew about plumbing.”

I didn’t say anything back, but for the first time she’s compared me unfavourably to him and to be honest that’s it for me. I may be over-reacting but this isn’t going to get better, so I’ll end it this weekend.

I know of one first hand story where leaving the tap on flooded a downstairs apartment. It happened to my friend in her rent controlled apartment and she was told find an expensive apartment or deal with the mold.

So yes. You’re overreacting. It’s irresponsible to leave the tap on and being upset that her ex fiancé happened to impart knowledge is overreacting.