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Thread: Am I really just a consolation prize after gf’s broken engagement

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    Worth pointing out that these thoughts only get to me when we’re apart. When we’re together, the thought of making her feel bad about this or even have to explain herself just seems ridiculous.
    I hear you. Not sure if this resonates—it didn't with me, until later in life—but I generally think a great gauge of a relationship is how you feel about things, and in your skin, when you are apart, not together.

    Think of friendships. You don't need "face time" to trust it, to be comforted by it. There's a certain richness in that, no? I think the same richness can be found in romance, and is maybe even essential for sustainable romance. I've felt very good in the presence of plenty of women, but jagged in the negative space. Those I've made a solid go with? They're the ones where the way I feel when together and apart is not really all that different.

    Not saying you're in an unhealthy relationship—doesn't sound like it. Just suggesting a slightly different gauge of things, including yourself. What you're doing right now is wonderful, because you're working to bridge the gap so "together" and "apart" aren't at odds, but of a whole.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    We are currently looking at getting a mortgage together, just got back from an amazing holiday and are both open about how excited we are for the future.
    Please do not get a mortgage together until a) after you are married. b) when you are engaged with a solid wedding date, officiant and location booked, and you are wanting to close on the house shortly before your wedding so you may have your wedding night in your new home.

    A mortgage is not a 'step" in commitment. it mostly goes south. If you breakup. Or if you are so consumed with fixing or furnishing the house that the wedding is secondary or you get comfy and start to drag your feet and decide you like "living together". I have a friend who bought a house with a guy that she was seeing for a few years and was proposed to in the first year. Guess what. 13 years later they are still not married. They postponed picking a date because of a terminally sick parent in another state, then another relative was getting married the same month and it was a immediate family member and they could not feasibly have a wedding in their state and days before attend their siblings wedding in another state plus the expense of travel, then one person's job changed and they ended up barely squeaking by in a house they couldn't afford. They contemplated splitting one or twice seriously -- but the one that has the lower income doesn't know where they will go/feels they have too much invested and doesn't want to leave the pets and the one making more money can't quite afford the place by themselves either - they could do 2/3 if the other left and don't want the other person to be with anyone else.

    Be newlyweds in a tiny apartment while you save up and look for a house as a married couple with priorities of a married couple.
    use this time to get to know eachother even more than you do -- have some fun - travel - don't tie yourself down to a house.

    if ONE of you decided to buy something as your own investment, that's fine, with your name only on it - to fix up and sell once you marry or something, fine. but don't "have a mortgage together"

  3. #33
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    I think with the mortgage you want to try to secure her position as staying around without committing to her

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Please do not get a mortgage together until a) after you are married. b) when you are engaged with a solid wedding date, officiant and location booked, and you are wanting to close on the house shortly before your wedding so you may have your wedding night in your new home.

    A mortgage is not a 'step" in commitment. it mostly goes south. If you breakup. Or if you are so consumed with fixing or furnishing the house that the wedding is secondary or you get comfy and start to drag your feet and decide you like "living together". I have a friend who bought a house with a guy that she was seeing for a few years and was proposed to in the first year. Guess what. 13 years later they are still not married. They postponed picking a date because of a terminally sick parent in another state, then another relative was getting married the same month and it was a immediate family member and they could not feasibly have a wedding in their state and days before attend their siblings wedding in another state plus the expense of travel, then one person's job changed and they ended up barely squeaking by in a house they couldn't afford. They contemplated splitting one or twice seriously -- but the one that has the lower income doesn't know where they will go/feels they have too much invested and doesn't want to leave the pets and the one making more money can't quite afford the place by themselves either - they could do 2/3 if the other left and don't want the other person to be with anyone else.

    Be newlyweds in a tiny apartment while you save up and look for a house as a married couple with priorities of a married couple.
    use this time to get to know eachother even more than you do -- have some fun - travel - don't tie yourself down to a house.

    if ONE of you decided to buy something as your own investment, that's fine, with your name only on it - to fix up and sell once you marry or something, fine. but don't "have a mortgage together"
    I’m sorry but your friend’s example is in no way reflective of anyone else’s situation or a sign that getting a house first is destined to “go south.” It’s perhaps a cultural difference as I expect we are on opposite sides of the Atlantic, but here it’s perfectly standard for couples to buy a home then get married later. Religion is almost non-existent here and marriage rates are at an all-time low, people tend to not be in a hurry to do it. Marriage is also no guarantee of commitment and I know of more than one couple who have lasted less than a year beyond the big day.

    That said, you seem to assume I have no plans to marry her. Quite the contrary and we even talked about it last night. We hope to buy a place, get settled and all being well I will propose later next year. Having a home that’s truly ours and that we can set up our life in is curently the most important next step to both of us, so we’ll do that first.

    Rather than assume I have no intentions of commitment and suggest I am stringing her along or using her for a mortgage, please check the facts before throwing in your two cents.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I hear you. Not sure if this resonates—it didn't with me, until later in life—but I generally think a great gauge of a relationship is how you feel about things, and in your skin, when you are apart, not together.

    Think of friendships. You don't need "face time" to trust it, to be comforted by it. There's a certain richness in that, no? I think the same richness can be found in romance, and is maybe even essential for sustainable romance. I've felt very good in the presence of plenty of women, but jagged in the negative space. Those I've made a solid go with? They're the ones where the way I feel when together and apart is not really all that different.

    Not saying you're in an unhealthy relationship—doesn't sound like it. Just suggesting a slightly different gauge of things, including yourself. What you're doing right now is wonderful, because you're working to bridge the gap so "together" and "apart" aren't at odds, but of a whole.
    That’s an interesting take. With my 10-year ex I often fantasised about leaving her when she wasn’t around. With the previous short-term girlfriend I barely gave her a second thought when she wasn’t around, she just felt like a placeholder and never a serious prospect. It’s different with my current gf.

    I do feel very secure in things, I trust her implicitly and she couldn’t do any more to make me feel that way. I miss her when she’s not there and still get excited to see her. What she can’t do is change the fact that she had a messy engagement that ended seven years ago. Another thing she can’t do is change the fact I looked on social media posts from 2010 / 2011 and made this previous chapter in her life an issue in my head, when pretty much everyone here and elsewhere has said it isn’t one.

    My attitude has even mellowed to this in the last couple of days and I think it’s down to venting on here. Hopefully it continues and this hiccup can be forgotten.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take our time with this. You have a lot of doubts. Stop talking mortgage. See how living together works out first.
    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    That’s an interesting take. With my 10-year ex I often fantasised about leaving her when she wasn’t around. With the previous short-term girlfriend I barely gave her a second thought when she wasn’t around, she just felt like a placeholder and never a serious prospect. It’s different with my current gf.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Take our time with this. You have a lot of doubts. Stop talking mortgage. See how living together works out first.
    Obviously I’m not rushing into anything but I don’t have any doubts, that’s not how I’m meaning to come across.

    I’ll make sure to see how the next few months pan out living together.
    Last edited by Badmamajama; 10-17-2019 at 01:14 PM.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Badmamajama

    What if she never really, really got over it and I’m just a consolation prize of sorts? Our relationship has been wonderful and very deep, but maybe it can’t compete with the intensity of her and her fiancés back in her early 20s. I’ll never know.
    Why do you need to know? It may never happen. Are you a deep thinker? There is an advantage to being a deeply thoughtful person but on the other side of the spectrum is over thinking things. You seem to write well also. Some of my more intellectual friends do have these types of problems and I do not use the word insecurity because they believe that they just want to make sure and nothing is wrong with that and be prepared just in case. And I do not dispute that. However, I observe that it sometimes boomerangs because they cause anxiety in the relationship and they themselves precipitate the very thing they were trying to prepare for.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by PerkyGreek
    Why do you need to know? It may never happen. Are you a deep thinker? There is an advantage to being a deeply thoughtful person but on the other side of the spectrum is over thinking things. You seem to write well also. Some of my more intellectual friends do have these types of problems and I do not use the word insecurity because they believe that they just want to make sure and nothing is wrong with that and be prepared just in case. And I do not dispute that. However, I observe that it sometimes boomerangs because they cause anxiety in the relationship and they themselves precipitate the very thing they were trying to prepare for.
    I suppose I just need to know that she’d never want him back (effectively impossible as he lives in another country anyway) and that she’s happier with me than she was with him.

    I’m 99.9% certain she is and everything she does confirms that, but then again I am an over-thinker!

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    I’m sorry but your friend’s example is in no way reflective of anyone else’s situation or a sign that getting a house first is destined to “go south.” It’s perhaps a cultural difference as I expect we are on opposite sides of the Atlantic, but here it’s perfectly standard for couples to buy a home then get married later. Religion is almost non-existent here and marriage rates are at an all-time low, people tend to not be in a hurry to do it. Marriage is also no guarantee of commitment and I know of more than one couple who have lasted less than a year beyond the big day.

    That said, you seem to assume I have no plans to marry her. Quite the contrary and we even talked about it last night. We hope to buy a place, get settled and all being well I will propose later next year. Having a home that’s truly ours and that we can set up our life in is curently the most important next step to both of us, so we’ll do that first.

    Rather than assume I have no intentions of commitment and suggest I am stringing her along or using her for a mortgage, please check the facts before throwing in your two cents.
    I did not say you are stringing her along.
    You are "securing" her or taking her off the market without committing to her.
    You don't have a secure relationship right now and buying property together falsely secures it. Work through your insecurities. There is no rush to get property.

    And what i described - neither of those people intended to string eachother along. Other stuff just happened and they let it get in the way - they forgot what their priority was and now both are resentful/feel uncommitted to/feel like the other person is just used to them.

    Even if you don't have a religion, its still putting the cart before the horse.
    If you both value getting married - then get married. If you want to be business partners, then buy property.
    Just because "people do it" doesn't mean you should.

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