Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 68

Thread: Am I really just a consolation prize after gf’s broken engagement

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,491
    Gender
    Male
    Here's a story to give you some perspective:

    I found out my ex had been cheating on me two months after I broke up with her. My gut response, memorialized for eternity in my first thread posted here? I wondered if the knowledge of her infidelity could be the thing that clicked everything back into place. Sound crazy? Yeah, amen to that. But I did believe it, or a lot of me believed it: heart here, ego there.

    Now, had I known, like your girlfriend did, about the cheating when we were together? Well, I can easily see a scenario in which we played emotional tug-of-war for another few months, maybe longer. I loved her, and I very much wanted to be a man who could Make A Relationship Work. Those were two truths that existed on planet Earth in that moment, and I'm not ashamed of them, at all. There were some very good pieces of myself at work there—misdirected, sure, and guided by an ego that had been doused in kerosene set aflame. But also? Just a genuine human head and human heart trying to make heads or tails out of the business of life, no different than you, no different than your girlfriend.

    I'm a better man, today, for being that man, then. My girlfriend is a better woman, today, for being a woman who was married for a decade. We don't have long confessional talks about these chapters—it's not needed, though the Cliff's Notes are known. It's like a sub-frequency that just says: hey, I like who you are which means I like where you've been; I respect your journey, and I'm lucky it led you to me. End scene, now what do you feel like for dinner?

    If you can't get there, if you need to rearrange her past in your mind to be comfortable in your own skin—well, I'd say be careful. And: be kind. The woman you're describing in this thread is a woman who has been in some trenches and is walking taller for it. That is grace, one of the most epic human qualities you can encounter. And who is she choosing to walk next to? You. It's your job to stand as tall as she stands, not to shrink her down in your mind so you can stand taller.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,379
    Gender
    Female
    We're each capable of 'what-iffing' ourselves into fearing just about anything--or not. You can indulge that spin to ruin your experiences or you can make a better choice to use your intelligence in your own favor, instead.

    It's a decision.

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    31
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Its sad that it matters who broke up with who. Honestly, my first boyfriend i broke up with because he actually was pushing me a way and doing so many things because he really wanted to breakup but didn't want to be the bad guy - so he made it so bad that i had no choice but to end it. Ever consider that?

    I think you can't handle the fact that she loved anyone else prior in her life to meeting you. That's what it boils down to. She healed from her past relationship.

    You know what, i would be concerned if she DIDN'T love him at all at the time. I would be concerned if someone got engaged to someone they didn't love. It was a different part of her life. Its the past. its over. I am sure there are women you loved, and time past and you grew and changed and later wondered what you were thinking, but at the TIME you loved them.

    Honestly, this woman deserves to be with someone who can accept that he was not the first man for her to have ever dated.
    When she’s talked about the relationship she’s made it out to be quite bad (she hated sex with him, resented him for making her move abroad and away from her family, he had a wandering eye and lied about money, the list goes on), so yes possibly that is something to consider.

    You’re quite probably right that it may not even be that I can’t handle her still having feelings for him, I just can’t handle her ever having had feelings for someone before. That’s a crazy way to think and at 35 now, it’s not as if I’m going to meet anyone who has never loved before!

    She’s had her own insecurities about my 10 year ex whom I lived with - she considers that a bigger deal than anything in her past and has admitted to the odd boot of retrospective jealousy but I don’t think she’s ever got anywhere near the level of obsession I have.

    It frustrates me so much to think like this as it felt like it came out of nowhere and I’m not normally like this.

  4. #24
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    31
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Here's a story to give you some perspective:

    I found out my ex had been cheating on me two months after I broke up with her. My gut response, memorialized for eternity in my first thread posted here? I wondered if the knowledge of her infidelity could be the thing that clicked everything back into place. Sound crazy? Yeah, amen to that. But I did believe it, or a lot of me believed it: heart here, ego there.

    Now, had I known, like your girlfriend did, about the cheating when we were together? Well, I can easily see a scenario in which we played emotional tug-of-war for another few months, maybe longer. I loved her, and I very much wanted to be a man who could Make A Relationship Work. Those were two truths that existed on planet Earth in that moment, and I'm not ashamed of them, at all. There were some very good pieces of myself at work there—misdirected, sure, and guided by an ego that had been doused in kerosene set aflame. But also? Just a genuine human head and human heart trying to make heads or tails out of the business of life, no different than you, no different than your girlfriend.

    I'm a better man, today, for being that man, then. My girlfriend is a better woman, today, for being a woman who was married for a decade. We don't have long confessional talks about these chapters—it's not needed, though the Cliff's Notes are known. It's like a sub-frequency that just says: hey, I like who you are which means I like where you've been; I respect your journey, and I'm lucky it led you to me. End scene, now what do you feel like for dinner?

    If you can't get there, if you need to rearrange her past in your mind to be comfortable in your own skin—well, I'd say be careful. And: be kind. The woman you're describing in this thread is a woman who has been in some trenches and is walking taller for it. That is grace, one of the most epic human qualities you can encounter. And who is she choosing to walk next to? You. It's your job to stand as tall as she stands, not to shrink her down in your mind so you can stand taller.
    Your story sounds not a million miles from things I’ve done in the past and you’re right, trying to make a relationship work is an admirable trait.

    As mentioned, I couldn’t care less about the 2 subsequent boyfriends she had (one of which was for a longer time than he fiancé and who lived with her in the apartment we live now), because she dumped then. Looking sensibly at it those relationships should be more of a red flag as she left rather than work on it.

    Such a complex mess of largely irrelevant thoughts in having, but thanks for sharing your story and I’ll work on fixing it.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,490
    Gender
    Male
    Is talking about each other's pasts a diversion from addressing the present and future? It seems you are both less involved in your current relationship or where it is or where it's going than all this water under the bridge. What's the point? Neither of you are with or going back to former lovers and you can't change the past.

    Why is it so stalled out in the past? It seems the problem isn't her past or yours but everything that is unsaid and unaddressed in the present. There's a lot wrong here. You are intimidated buy her family, you live together in a nebulous haze, she is thinking wedding bells and you are thinking live together. Get the elephant out of the room, and that elephant is not the past it's the present.
    Originally Posted by Badmamajama
    I just can’t handle her ever having had feelings for someone before.She’s had her own insecurities about my 10 year ex
    whom I lived with - she considers that a bigger deal than anything in her past

  7. #26
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    31
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is talking about each other's pasts a diversion from addressing the present and future? It seems you are both less involved in your current relationship or where it is or where it's going than all this water under the bridge. What's the point? Neither of you are with or going back to former lovers and you can't change the past.

    Why is it so stalled out in the past? It seems the problem isn't her past or yours but everything that is unsaid and unaddressed in the present. There's a lot wrong here. You are intimidated buy her family, you live together in a nebulous haze, she is thinking wedding bells and you are thinking live together. Get the elephant out of the room, and that elephant is not the past it's the present.
    Thanks for the response but in fairness you have it wrong here. We don’t go on about water under the bridge - my ex hasn’t come up for around 9 months and as I said, my worries about her are brand new and I expect, totally irrational.

    We are currently looking at getting a mortgage together, just got back from an amazing holiday and are both open about how excited we are for the future. You seem to think she’s desperate to drag me down the isle and I want to plod along in some sort of limbo, it’s not like that at all and we’ve even happily discussed where we could go on a honeymoon. I’m not intimidated by her family and get on great with them, I am just aware that they may expect a fancy, pricy wedding when that isnt something either of us want.

    The issue I’m concerned with is the thoughts I’ve been having, which I don’t let affect our daily life and have only creeped in very recently. Whilst I appreciate your input all your messages have brought up other things and you’re making assumptions that our entire relationship is a miserable, messy, broken train wreck, which it absolutely isn’t.

    From her perspective, she openly says she’s the happiest she’s ever been, as do her family. I’m also the happiest I’ve ever been, just concerned with these thoughts and I posted here so I could vent and close the book on them.
    Last edited by Badmamajama; 10-16-2019 at 08:07 AM.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,491
    Gender
    Male
    Have you considered a few therapy sessions to address this? There may be a some roots connected to these weed-like thoughts that you're not quite seeing. Get to them, so they can be pulled out, rather than just sheared off. Miss the root and the weeds grow back, you know?

    My theory is that a great year with someone is pretty easy. Flies by, propelled by fireworks and novelty. Then, as things become more "real," there are shifts: questions, doubts, and so on. It's natural, even healthy. But they need to be taken seriously, treated with care, through communication—with each other, in some cases, with ourselves, in others.

    Similar to Wiseman, I can't help but see a connection between these thoughts surfacing and you guys moving in, taking those next steps. Not saying you're in a nebulous haze, or treading water playing house—I don't get that impression. But maybe you're just hiccuping slightly, without quite understanding why. At the end of the day these are sabotaging thoughts—surfacing and being indulged at a moment when your relationship is transitioning from something new to something more permanent.

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    31
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Have you considered a few therapy sessions to address this? There may be a some roots connected to these weed-like thoughts that you're not quite seeing. Get to them, so they can be pulled out, rather than just sheared off. Miss the root and the weeds grow back, you know?

    My theory is that a great year with someone is pretty easy. Flies by, propelled by fireworks and novelty. Then, as things become more "real," there are shifts: questions, doubts, and so on. It's natural, even healthy. But they need to be taken seriously, treated with care, through communication—with each other, in some cases, with ourselves, in others.

    Similar to Wiseman I can't help but see a connection between these thoughts surfacing and you guys moving in, taking those next steps. Not saying you're in a nebulous haze, or treading water playing house—I don't get that impression. But maybe you're just hiccuping slightly, without quite understanding why. At the end of the day these are sabotaging thoughts—surfacing and being indulged at a moment when your relationship is transitioning from something new to something more permanent.
    I have considered therapy and not to turn it into a sob story, but on reflection I have my suspicions as to why it came about. Both yourself and Wiseman’s theories have some truth but I think there’s more to it. (Apologies Wiseman is I seemed antsy above, was early morning and I was cranky)

    This all lines up with the first major health scare of my life, which had me absolutely terrified and sick with anxiety a couple of months ago and isn’t fully resolved yet. When it was at its worst I think I needed something to get obsessed about to take my mind off my fear of the grim reaper and this was it. Stressing about a relationship that deep down I knew was no threat felt better than stressing about an early grave.

    I remember one day out of morbid curiosity scrolling down through her Facebook feed to 2010 - 2012 and from then on its all stuck in my head. There wasn’t much there to be honest, but enough to hit home the reality that back then she was engaged to someone else, living with him and that people were excited about it. Just FYI - I didn’t hack into her account or anything, just looked at the feed she shares with friends.

    Before then I’d literally never given him much more than a second thought and thanks to social media it’s haunted me since!

    Agree on the hiccuping slightly. We’re srill getting on really well but my head is the hiccup.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,491
    Gender
    Male
    Didn't writing that last post feel good? Don't you feel a little lighter, a little more honest, a little more like you?

    That's essentially therapy, and you sound like a great candidate: self-aware, reflective. You're also a human being, which means you're self-protective and prone to protecting yourself in ways that ultimately don't serve your truest self. You see that, too. And this is where humility is your best friend and ego your worst enemy—where admitting that being able to see it is not quite enough, that you could use some help in thwacking through the weeds.

    Is that therapy? Is that more posts here? Is that...who knows?

    What I'd say is that the instant you scrolled down was the instant you made a choice to get a little further, emotionally, from your girlfriend than a choice that could get you closer. That's not fatal, but it deserves to be recognized. You'll do versions of this a million more times in life, with her, and so on. Key is to see that stuff, and have a mechanism in place to get the train back on track. I think, right now, you're looking for that switch. Keep looking until you find it.

  11. #30
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    31
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Didn't writing that last post feel good? Don't you feel a little lighter, a little more honest, a little more like you?

    That's essentially therapy, and you sound like a great candidate: self-aware, reflective. You're also a human being, which means you're self-protective and prone to protecting yourself in ways that ultimately don't serve your truest self. You see that, too. And this is where humility is your best friend and ego your worst enemy—where admitting that being able to see it is not quite enough, that you could use some help in thwacking through the weeds.

    Is that therapy? Is that more posts here? Is that...who knows?

    What I'd say is that the instant you scrolled down was the instant you made a choice to get a little further, emotionally, from your girlfriend than a choice that could get you closer. That's not fatal, but it deserves to be recognized. You'll do versions of this a million more times in life, with her, and so on. Key is to see that stuff, and have a mechanism in place to get the train back on track. I think, right now, you're looking for that switch. Keep looking until you find it.
    Yeah it felt not bad!

    I knew at the time scrolling down was a bad idea. No idea why I did it as I just hadn’t cared before. But I did and I have to find a way to stop it haunting me. Even at the time I was rational enough to know that FB posts from 2011 mean nothing to our relationship, but I still did it.

    Worth pointing out that these thoughts only get to me when we’re apart. When we’re together, the thought of making her feel bad about this or even have to explain herself just seems ridiculous.

Page 3 of 7 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •