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Am I really just a consolation prize after gf’s broken engagement


Badmamajama

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Hi all, lurker here finally posting...

 

Been with girlfriend for around 1.5 years now. First year was incredible. So much chemistry, such a shared sense of humour and everything just felt right. Her words and actions seemed to make it clear she’s never felt quite like this before and she’s relayed this to her family and friends, all of whom seem really happy for her / us.

 

It’s gotten more serious and we’ve now moved in together and as time has gone on I’ve started to have thoughts about her past and if what she says and how she acts is really the truth.

 

Back in 2012 she was cheated on and dumped by her fiancé. He doesn’t come up in conversation much and she admits it hurt her and took a while to get over, but says that looking back she’s glad it ended as there were plenty of red flags she missed.

 

She’s had boyfriends since but I get the impression none were taken as seriously and certainly none got anywhere near marriage.

 

I suppose my fear is all about the “what if.” What if she deep down wishes it had been different and worked out with the other guy? She’d now be long married, with a home and kids. She talks about how in retrospect he wasn’t great, but she still agreed to commit her entire life to him, which included uprooting to another country. In my mind he must have been pretty special and not the loser she makes him out to be.

 

What if she never really, really got over it and I’m just a consolation prize of sorts? Our relationship has been wonderful and very deep, but maybe it can’t compete with the intensity of her and her fiancés back in her early 20s. I’ll never know.

 

This didn’t cross my mind in the first year and I never considered him or any other ex a threat. He lives abroad so even now I still don’t really, but now it’s all-consuming and I hate feeling like this. She’s really done nothing to bring this on either.

 

Not sure if I’m even looking for answers, just really venting. I’m got no intention of opening up old an unnecessary wounds by bringing it up to her and am hoping it will pass in time.

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Does she talk about marriage or believe living together is a prelude to marriage? You've been together long enough to talk about what it is you both expect and if you have no interest in marriage, kids, etc you need to tell her.

Been with girlfriend for around 1.5 years now. and we’ve now moved in together

 

I suppose my fear is all about the “what if.” What if she deep down wishes it had been different and worked out with the other guy? She’d now be long married, with a home and kids.

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You're insecure. Don't let that get the better of you. I think the first five years or so of any relationship there are questions about comparisons and the past might come up more frequently than later on. You're still getting to know each other. Those feelings of being a consolation prize seem a little strong to me. I'm more prone to suggesting you deal with your insecurities more effectively and don't overburden the relationship with your issues.

 

If you have a strong connection with each other and are future-planning or you can see yourself with this person and feel good around her, you'll have to learn how to snuff out destructive thoughts. It's no good having a good thing if you're going to sabotage it.

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This didn’t cross my mind in the first year and I never considered him or any other ex a threat. He lives abroad so even now I still don’t really, but now it’s all-consuming and I hate feeling like this. She’s really done nothing to bring this on either.

 

its not her issue - its yours. you need to get over your insecurity. She has said that she dodged a bullet by the engagement being broken (she admits that in hindsight there were red flags she missed). She was engaged, didn't marry him, met other guys who she didn't feel were a match, and then met you. Please don't sabotage this.

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Does she talk about marriage or believe living together is a prelude to marriage? You've been together long enough to talk about what it is you both expect and if you have no interest in marriage, kids, etc you need to tell her.

 

Yes she has said countless times she’d like us to get married and seems quite excited by the prospect. I know she’s told her parents that too.

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Is this what you really want? Or is the real reason for your sudden doubts more about not being ready for this, knowing well these are her end goals. You guys need to talk, not just play house. Do some soul searching and don't be the guy who coasts along complacently who never really wants to pull the trigger deep down. Is that what the guilt is all about?

Yes she has said countless times she’d like us to get married and seems quite excited by the prospect. I know she’s told her parents that too.
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This didn’t cross my mind in the first year and I never considered him or any other ex a threat. He lives abroad so even now I still don’t really, but now it’s all-consuming and I hate feeling like this. She’s really done nothing to bring this on either.

 

its not her issue - its yours. you need to get over your insecurity. She has said that she dodged a bullet by the engagement being broken (she admits that in hindsight there were red flags she missed). She was engaged, didn't marry him, met other guys who she didn't feel were a match, and then met you. Please don't sabotage this.

 

I’ll reply to both yourself and Rose Mose here. I’m aware it’s likely insecurity but just don’t understand where it came from. In the first year I had no doubt at all I gave her far more than any previous partners, to the extent I almost felt too cocky.

 

The insecurities are only about the ex fiancé too. I can laugh and joke about her more recent ex, who she lived with (in the apartment we now live) and actually spent more time with than the fiancé. We even bumped into him in the street and I happily shook his hand.

 

I think a couple of things stand out - the fiancé dumped her and so she’s always seems that tad more butthurt about it than other boyfriends she dumped herself. She actually took him back after he cheated then he dumped her so I think it’s something she’ll always feel a bit about. I don’t want her to feel bad about this as it must have been awful.

 

The other issue is how it got as far as engagement. Wedding planning, excited families and serious plans for the future etc. It just feels so much more or a big deal than a standard ex.

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Wiseman - no absolutely not. I love her and want to be with her. We’ve only just moved in so not exactly plodding along playing house yet.

 

I will admit that a wedding is a stressful thought, even though I’d love to be married to her. She’s from a much richer family than I am, who have quite high expectations for things in life and the cost / potential challenges of it all feel quite stressful.

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I

 

I think a couple of things stand out - the fiancé dumped her and so she’s always seems that tad more butthurt about it t

 

 

"butthurt" means unreasonably and almost comically upset. Of course a relationship that was longer than the others or more committed would hurt more at the time.

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"butthurt" means unreasonably and almost comically upset. Of course a relationship that was longer than the others or more committed would hurt more at the time.

 

Sorry that was unkind wording. I guess some of my doubts come from the disconnect between how she describes him, yet admits to being heartbroken at the time. When he came up (never at my behest) she’d suggest she is almost embarrassed about it all, that he was an attention seeking liar, sexually incompetent and an excessive drinker. It makes me think why she’d even care when he ended it.

 

I know that’s not the right way to think and doesn’t take into account the complexity of human relationships, but I can’t control what goes on in my head.

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In a word, as you know, this is insecurity. Yours to deal with, not to fling around too much.

 

When I'm feeling insecure, I like to get comfortable with the thing that makes me uncomfortable. So, in your case, it goes like this: Yes, of course she wishes it had been different with the other guy. Can you fault her for that? No human on the planet writes a wish list that says "get engaged, get cheated on, try and fail to stay together."

 

But, alas, that happened. That's life: the land where all wishes don't come true, and some get shattered in awful ways that leave a little scar. And it sounds like she's dealt with life and moved forward gracefully, which is a lovely quality, something to admire.

 

The other thing I can't help but pick up on here—another strand of insecurity—is the sense that you need to be "better" than anything that came before. Why? Why not just be different because you are you? No one can touch that. That is hard fact, something to derive confidence from. Confidence, in the long run, is a much more satisfying state than cockiness.

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Yes, of course she wishes it had been different with the other guy. Can you fault her for that? No human on the planet writes a wish list that says "get engaged, get cheated on, try and fail to stay together."

 

 

Yeah but is that no basically saying I have to accept she maybe wishes it had worked out between them? I had a 10 year relationship that fell apart quite horribly and I’m glad it worked out like it did because it led me to a woman who I genuinely feel is a better match.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions and I’ll definitely take them on board, try to get comfortable with it and be confident in being different. I guess the desire to be the best is an ego thing.

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Yeah but is that no basically saying I have to accept she maybe wishes it had worked out between them?

 

No. It's basically saying that the above story is not fact but something your hungry ego is writing. That is the ultimate show of respect—respect for yourself, and your more fragile corners, in order to respect her, a woman who is committed to you and whose commitment to you is predicated, in part, on her processing her past.

 

Nothing you are offering us gives even a hint that she wishes it worked out. Odds are her story is similar to yours, to many: a nasty chapter that paved the way for a better match.

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No. It's basically saying that the above story is not fact but something your hungry ego is writing. That is the ultimate show of respect—respect for yourself, and your more fragile corners, in order to respect her, a woman who is committed to you and whose commitment to you is predicated, in part, on her processing her past.

 

Nothing you are offering us gives even a hint that she wishes it worked out. Odds are her story is similar to yours, to many: a nasty chapter that paved the way for a better match.

 

That makes sense and is the kind of harsh but true approach I need to hear. I know I keep arguing back but I’m genuinely grateful for the input! Thanks.

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That makes sense and is the kind of harsh but true approach I need to hear. I know I keep arguing back but I’m genuinely grateful for the input! Thanks.

 

It's not harsh, at least not how I intended it. More like fact.

 

"Ego" is a nasty word, thanks to the likes of the Kardashians, but it's a thing we all have. It's not some cancerous part of ourselves, but the self-protective part of our brains that tries to fill in the things we don't know, and can't ever quite know, through telling stories. Not all of those stories are true, and we just need to be aware of that. With that awareness, we can nudge the ego to write different stories.

 

What is the simpler, truer story here, after all? It's that you love this woman and want a future with her. What that future looks like you can't quite know—that's the tricky part, the beautiful part, the scary part. But no need to soften that fear by telling stories that sabotage that future; much better to find ones that allow for you both to build it, together.

 

People come with pasts. It's part of what's intriguing and compelling about them—as well, as times, intimidating. It's okay to be a little panicked. Just try not to weaponize the panic—that's the ego getting too hungry—because we all know what happens when we play with guns. People shoot themselves in the feet.

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Yeah but is that no basically saying I have to accept she maybe wishes it had worked out between them? I had a 10 year relationship that fell apart quite horribly and I’m glad it worked out like it did because it led me to a woman who I genuinely feel is a better match.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions and I’ll definitely take them on board, try to get comfortable with it and be confident in being different. I guess the desire to be the best is an ego thing.

 

You could look back to high school where a girl you dated humilated you at prom and say "i wish it had worked out better than it did." Does that mean you spend every day pining for her? nope.

 

Heck, i am with the love of my life now. With my ex, i wish it turned out differently than it did. i wish it didn't end so abusively. I wish it ended more amicably if it were to end, but looking back, i wish i had made better choices and not spent that much time with him. You can regret how things went and still not want to be with that person. If SHE broke up with HIM, would you feel differently? When someone cheats or its just a bad relationship, sometimes its arbitrary who breaks up with who. He already "broke up" with her by cheating and she just made it official.

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You could look back to high school where a girl you dated humilated you at prom and say "i wish it had worked out better than it did." Does that mean you spend every day pining for her? nope.

 

Heck, i am with the love of my life now. With my ex, i wish it turned out differently than it did. i wish it didn't end so abusively. I wish it ended more amicably if it were to end, but looking back, i wish i had made better choices and not spent that much time with him. You can regret how things went and still not want to be with that person. If SHE broke up with HIM, would you feel differently? When someone cheats or its just a bad relationship, sometimes its arbitrary who breaks up with who. He already "broke up" with her by cheating and she just made it official.

 

Yeah I think I’d maybe feel different had she ended it. Knowing she hadn’t wanted it at the time would have been reassuring but I know in reality it doesn’t matter much.

 

I guess again it’s the discord between how she says she felt at the time and the fairly middling opinion she suggests she had of him even during the engagement. It doesn’t quite add up, but then it’s a 7 year old story that’s obviously going to have some details glossed over in order to make it palatable, so it shouldn’t even matter.

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It's not harsh, at least not how I intended it. More like fact.

 

"Ego" is a nasty word, thanks to the likes of the Kardashians, but it's a thing we all have. It's not some cancerous part of ourselves, but the self-protective part of our brains that tries to fill in the things we don't know, and can't ever quite know, through telling stories. Not all of those stories are true, and we just need to be aware of that. With that awareness, we can nudge the ego to write different stories.

 

What is the simpler, truer story here, after all? It's that you love this woman and want a future with her. What that future looks like you can't quite know—that's the tricky part, the beautiful part, the scary part. But no need to soften that fear by telling stories that sabotage that future; much better to find ones that allow for you both to build it, together.

 

People come with pasts. It's part of what's intriguing and compelling about them—as well, as times, intimidating. It's okay to be a little panicked. Just try not to weaponize the panic—that's the ego getting too hungry—because we all know what happens when we play with guns. People shoot themselves in the feet.

 

Yeah and I do fear shooting muself in the foot and undoing all the good work of the past year. I’ll do my best not to mention it to her and think about what you’ve suggested. Thanks.

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Yeah I think I’d maybe feel different had she ended it. Knowing she hadn’t wanted it at the time would have been reassuring but I know in reality it doesn’t matter much.

 

I guess again it’s the discord between how she says she felt at the time and the fairly middling opinion she suggests she had of him even during the engagement. It doesn’t quite add up, but then it’s a 7 year old story that’s obviously going to have some details glossed over in order to make it palatable, so it shouldn’t even matter.

 

Its sad that it matters who broke up with who. Honestly, my first boyfriend i broke up with because he actually was pushing me a way and doing so many things because he really wanted to breakup but didn't want to be the bad guy - so he made it so bad that i had no choice but to end it. Ever consider that?

 

I think you can't handle the fact that she loved anyone else prior in her life to meeting you. That's what it boils down to. She healed from her past relationship.

 

You know what, i would be concerned if she DIDN'T love him at all at the time. I would be concerned if someone got engaged to someone they didn't love. It was a different part of her life. Its the past. its over. I am sure there are women you loved, and time past and you grew and changed and later wondered what you were thinking, but at the TIME you loved them.

 

Honestly, this woman deserves to be with someone who can accept that he was not the first man for her to have ever dated.

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Here's a story to give you some perspective:

 

I found out my ex had been cheating on me two months after I broke up with her. My gut response, memorialized for eternity in my first thread posted here? I wondered if the knowledge of her infidelity could be the thing that clicked everything back into place. Sound crazy? Yeah, amen to that. But I did believe it, or a lot of me believed it: heart here, ego there.

 

Now, had I known, like your girlfriend did, about the cheating when we were together? Well, I can easily see a scenario in which we played emotional tug-of-war for another few months, maybe longer. I loved her, and I very much wanted to be a man who could Make A Relationship Work. Those were two truths that existed on planet Earth in that moment, and I'm not ashamed of them, at all. There were some very good pieces of myself at work there—misdirected, sure, and guided by an ego that had been doused in kerosene set aflame. But also? Just a genuine human head and human heart trying to make heads or tails out of the business of life, no different than you, no different than your girlfriend.

 

I'm a better man, today, for being that man, then. My girlfriend is a better woman, today, for being a woman who was married for a decade. We don't have long confessional talks about these chapters—it's not needed, though the Cliff's Notes are known. It's like a sub-frequency that just says: hey, I like who you are which means I like where you've been; I respect your journey, and I'm lucky it led you to me. End scene, now what do you feel like for dinner?

 

If you can't get there, if you need to rearrange her past in your mind to be comfortable in your own skin—well, I'd say be careful. And: be kind. The woman you're describing in this thread is a woman who has been in some trenches and is walking taller for it. That is grace, one of the most epic human qualities you can encounter. And who is she choosing to walk next to? You. It's your job to stand as tall as she stands, not to shrink her down in your mind so you can stand taller.

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Its sad that it matters who broke up with who. Honestly, my first boyfriend i broke up with because he actually was pushing me a way and doing so many things because he really wanted to breakup but didn't want to be the bad guy - so he made it so bad that i had no choice but to end it. Ever consider that?

 

I think you can't handle the fact that she loved anyone else prior in her life to meeting you. That's what it boils down to. She healed from her past relationship.

 

You know what, i would be concerned if she DIDN'T love him at all at the time. I would be concerned if someone got engaged to someone they didn't love. It was a different part of her life. Its the past. its over. I am sure there are women you loved, and time past and you grew and changed and later wondered what you were thinking, but at the TIME you loved them.

 

Honestly, this woman deserves to be with someone who can accept that he was not the first man for her to have ever dated.

 

When she’s talked about the relationship she’s made it out to be quite bad (she hated sex with him, resented him for making her move abroad and away from her family, he had a wandering eye and lied about money, the list goes on), so yes possibly that is something to consider.

 

You’re quite probably right that it may not even be that I can’t handle her still having feelings for him, I just can’t handle her ever having had feelings for someone before. That’s a crazy way to think and at 35 now, it’s not as if I’m going to meet anyone who has never loved before!

 

She’s had her own insecurities about my 10 year ex whom I lived with - she considers that a bigger deal than anything in her past and has admitted to the odd boot of retrospective jealousy but I don’t think she’s ever got anywhere near the level of obsession I have.

 

It frustrates me so much to think like this as it felt like it came out of nowhere and I’m not normally like this.

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Here's a story to give you some perspective:

 

I found out my ex had been cheating on me two months after I broke up with her. My gut response, memorialized for eternity in my first thread posted here? I wondered if the knowledge of her infidelity could be the thing that clicked everything back into place. Sound crazy? Yeah, amen to that. But I did believe it, or a lot of me believed it: heart here, ego there.

 

Now, had I known, like your girlfriend did, about the cheating when we were together? Well, I can easily see a scenario in which we played emotional tug-of-war for another few months, maybe longer. I loved her, and I very much wanted to be a man who could Make A Relationship Work. Those were two truths that existed on planet Earth in that moment, and I'm not ashamed of them, at all. There were some very good pieces of myself at work there—misdirected, sure, and guided by an ego that had been doused in kerosene set aflame. But also? Just a genuine human head and human heart trying to make heads or tails out of the business of life, no different than you, no different than your girlfriend.

 

I'm a better man, today, for being that man, then. My girlfriend is a better woman, today, for being a woman who was married for a decade. We don't have long confessional talks about these chapters—it's not needed, though the Cliff's Notes are known. It's like a sub-frequency that just says: hey, I like who you are which means I like where you've been; I respect your journey, and I'm lucky it led you to me. End scene, now what do you feel like for dinner?

 

If you can't get there, if you need to rearrange her past in your mind to be comfortable in your own skin—well, I'd say be careful. And: be kind. The woman you're describing in this thread is a woman who has been in some trenches and is walking taller for it. That is grace, one of the most epic human qualities you can encounter. And who is she choosing to walk next to? You. It's your job to stand as tall as she stands, not to shrink her down in your mind so you can stand taller.

 

Your story sounds not a million miles from things I’ve done in the past and you’re right, trying to make a relationship work is an admirable trait.

 

As mentioned, I couldn’t care less about the 2 subsequent boyfriends she had (one of which was for a longer time than he fiancé and who lived with her in the apartment we live now), because she dumped then. Looking sensibly at it those relationships should be more of a red flag as she left rather than work on it.

 

Such a complex mess of largely irrelevant thoughts in having, but thanks for sharing your story and I’ll work on fixing it.

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Is talking about each other's pasts a diversion from addressing the present and future? It seems you are both less involved in your current relationship or where it is or where it's going than all this water under the bridge. What's the point? Neither of you are with or going back to former lovers and you can't change the past.

 

Why is it so stalled out in the past? It seems the problem isn't her past or yours but everything that is unsaid and unaddressed in the present. There's a lot wrong here. You are intimidated buy her family, you live together in a nebulous haze, she is thinking wedding bells and you are thinking live together. Get the elephant out of the room, and that elephant is not the past it's the present.

I just can’t handle her ever having had feelings for someone before.She’s had her own insecurities about my 10 year ex

whom I lived with - she considers that a bigger deal than anything in her past

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