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Thread: I feel like I don't crush on women anymore

  1. #1
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    I feel like I don't crush on women anymore

    So, I'm a 40 year old guy that's never been married with no kids. I've been in two long term relationships in my life. One ended after about a year and a half because I felt like the person I was in a relationship with was sorta crazy and always angry at me. I got tired of always being in trouble, so I said good by. The other one was about 4 years. We dated for about 6 months in HS, had a brief stint in our 20s and dated for a little over 3 years in our 30s. We broke up because she cheated on me. I did really love her, but the relationship was always toxic, as he was a bit of a head case as well.

    So here I am at 40 trying to figure out if I'm really the type of person that should even be in a relationship. I feel like dating has become almost impossible. I'm not romantically challenged and have had MANY short term relationships over the years. I honestly couldn't say how many women I've slept with. It's probably close to 50, so it's not like I'm awkward with the opposite sex. I'm not an unattractive guy either. I'm still in great shape for a guy my age and at least average looking. I've always dated decent looking women as well.

    But something has changed. I feel like I don't really crush on any of the women I meet these days. It's not just women my age that I'm not really physically attracted to either. I'm not into the younger ones as well. It's like I see every woman I meet as being bonkers. I know a few guys will have a chuckle about this, but I really feel like literally every woman I meet is a mental case. It's not just the women I go on dates with either. It's the women I'm related to. All my friend's girlfriends and wives. The women that I work with etc. They can't all be nuts, but It's what I see and experience constantly.

    I'm a firm believer that if someone thinks everyone else is a problem, then they must be a problem. Surely, all of these women can't be crazy. It has to be that I have some type of issue with the opposite sex because I don't remember thinking every girl I met was a head case when i was younger.

    What is my deal? Why do I just sorta not like women anymore? Is there really just an insane amount of women with mental health issues, or do I just not understand women anymore?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    I don't remember thinking every girl I met was a head case when i was younger.

    What is my deal? Why do I just sorta not like women anymore? Is there really just an insane amount of women with mental health issues, or do I just not understand women anymore?
    My guess is that you've never liked women--you just assumed that you did and your 20-year old sex drive helped you along with that belief. Now that your sex drive is dropping, you are becoming more discerning. Also, you are 40. You now have real perspective, not just the perspective of a 20-something whose past experience consisted of childhood. You have 1 - 2 decades of adult experience under your belt.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Not everyone is cut out for relationships. It sounds like you like sex but never liked women anyway or played a sour-grapes game. You're the common denominator with all the crazy women, so it's up to you to ponder these questions with a therapist.
    Originally Posted by m799999
    Why do I just sorta not like women anymore? Is there really just an insane amount of women with mental health issues

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    Perhaps the women you've met lately are crazy! I will confess that I met quite a few myself (and men too) over the years. Scary!

    Also, you should consider getting your testosterone levels checked because, as I'm sure you know, these levels start declining in men in their 30's. If they are low, that could certainly affect you sex drive and perception of women. I would also suggest that you seek therapy which may help to understand why you feel the way you do.

    It took me quite a number of years before I met (who I thought) was my soulmate. I was happy with him for the most part but, unfortunately, he was not (long story).

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Can you give examples of the various women you know having mental issues? What are they saying or what is their behavior to make you think this?

    What's your life like besides having one night stands? Do you have close guy friends? A hobby? A career you love or hate? What feedback have you been given about yourself by others?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm in agreement with the first two posts—namely that you have yet to learn what it is to appreciate women as people.

    I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds, as in my observation there is a pretty large subset of men and women who are not very appreciative of the opposite sex, for whom "objectification" is a stand-in for "connection." That's not in the obvious sense—seeing a woman only as a body, a man as a provider-stud—but in a more general way: an inability to view a man (or, in your case) a woman as a person, and by extension to view yourself as a full person alongside a woman. There people who exist in this state as you do (single, bed-hopping, half-hating the person sleeping next to them) and people who exist in this state in relationships and marriages.

    This starts in puberty. Prior to that you're just a kid at recess, hanging with boys and girls, and there is something wildly "evolved" in all that: it is pure, equal, humans being curious and accepting humans. Then come the hormones, and girls and boys (putting this in a heteronormative paradigm for simplicity, but this applies to sex in general) become the mysterious "other." The big mystery? Attraction and desire, a new sensation coursing through you. A few years pass and you're now engaging with these desires, rounding the bases and flying off to the moon emotionally, orgasmically.

    It's very fun. It's also very limited, if you don't find a way to pair it back with appreciating the humanity of the "object" of attraction—combing that pre-pubescent acceptance and curiosity with a post-pubescent lust. So what you're describing? In ways it's being 40—smart, evolved, evolving, experienced—but with a view of women that is still based on the high school parking lot. The nuts and bolts of the title: you are withdrawing from the "crush" and wondering what's wrong with you.

    I'd flip it. I'd say what's "wrong" is that you are growing up, reluctantly. I'd say what you are getting a taste of—sour right now, but it could lead to sweetness—is something "right" in you, if not yet accessed. You want more than the crush, but you don't have the language for what it is—not words, but feelings. Something more enriching that you crave but have no context for, since your romantic habits are primitive.

    Once upon a time, see, "crazy" was totally acceptable to you if it came with "nudity," as was validated by the human male compass better known as an erection. Imagine that HS-20s-30s relationship did a good number on cementing that wiring, as something that should have probably began and ended under the bleachers ended just yesterday in the scheme of things: a post-pubescent paradigm standing in for a more adult one. That's the thing you keep trying to recreate—it's your model—but at 40 it is a poor model, outdated, a rocket refusing liftoff.

    What to do? I say work on building a new model. Rather than figuring out how to go backwards, go forwards. Think of your male friendships over the years, how nuanced they are. Some great dudes, some duds. Women are just that: people, and not all of them, even the most scorching to the eye, are going to boil the blood. That's okay. But to find the ones that boil the blood you've got to tap into some more layers of yourself. This can be adventure, leading to fireworks that feel like high school but ignite in a new context.

    My few cents, to spend how you see fit.

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    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    How to you feel about men OP? Is this a gender bias or a bias against humans in general?

    Also... are you certain you are purely heterosexual?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You mention that you were cheated on in your last long term relationship. THAT can do quite a number on your psyche and lots of people end up have major issues with trust and kind of seeing everything negatively about the opposite sex after that kind of betrayal. It's actually a normal response to trauma. It doesn't matter if years have passed since then, what matters is that you don't seem to have really dealt with it. It's colored your world view and your view of women in particular.

    You are right though, that when you feel like all women around you are crazy, the problem is really you. The other factor to consider is that the two long term relationship were both toxic. Something drew you to that and now you seem to have an aversion to that that's gone over board where you see drama where none exists. Time to take a good look internally and do some cleaning up and if don't be shy about getting some professional help with that. Easier to win when you have a coach, not so easy to self train.

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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Also, you should consider getting your testosterone levels checked because, as I'm sure you know, these levels start declining in men in their 30's. If they are low, that could certainly affect you sex drive and perception of women.
    Everything is good in that area, and I have a thriving sex life. My sex drive is about the same as it's always been. Like I said, I'm in really great shape for a guy my age. My issue is being completely emotionally unavailable to to women I date. It's not so much that I don't like them, its more that I don't find anything interesting abut them other than sex. This is sorta new for me, as I feel like I used to get that "spark" when a new love interest entered the picture.

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    Originally Posted by maew
    How to you feel about men OP? Is this a gender bias or a bias against humans in general?

    Also... are you certain you are purely heterosexual?
    I enjoy spending time with other men far more than I do with women. I wouldn't say that I view women as inferior or anything, but unless their is sexual chemistry I generally don't interact with women much unless placed into a situation where I have to. Like I said in my last post. I feel like I don't find women interesting most of the time. I do find some women interesting, but they're more often than not either taken or not the type of women you could be in a LTR with.

    I'm 100% heterosexual. I only have sexual interest in women. If I were gay, I would just be gay.

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