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Thread: Not turned on when making out, is she the wrong one for me?

  1. #1
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Not turned on when making out, is she the wrong one for me?

    Hey ENA,
    It's been a while, and I could really use all your advice and opinion on this subject. So, after many many years of struggling to find someone. In my late 20's, I finally found this amazing woman on a dating site. Note, I've made several other improvements in my life to get to this point. Better job, career, therapy, working on depression, I've really turned my life around and become (I think) a more desirable person. Anyway, we've been talking about a month~ and have been on three dates so far. Emotionally, and in the beginning, I felt in instant connection to her. I thought, this woman could be my future wife. We instantly hit it off, it felt like we've known each other longer than we have. She's kind, sweet, everything I ever wanted.
    But, there's one problem that's killing me. On Saturday, we went to an outdoor thing for our third date, as well as had plans to go to a show later that day. Well, at this outdoor thing. I went here because I wanted to go for the first kiss. I did, and, we started making out, pretty hot and heavy. And she was very very turned on and, at one point, suggested we go in the woods to "do it". The problem? I wasn't anywhere as turned on as her.

    It's absolutely crushing me. Now, honestly... I'm inexperienced when it comes to the physical stuff with women. But, I know I'm straight. I've liked women since I was little. I've had women mearly touch me in as far back as grade school and I would get instantly aroused. I had an ex (I never had sex with), but the kissing would turn me on big-time. But, for this woman... there was just nothing.
    It's completely ruining my life, I feel like less of a man, and additionally worrying she's not the one now, it's making my head spin. I don't know if it was anxiety of the situation. I mean, prior to this, she was a very very physically reserved girl. She only gave me like half a hug on our first date. The second date, it felt like she didn't want to be kissed (yet). Now all of a sudden, she's moaning heavy and tells me she's turned on making out. I'm concerned because, I'm (normally) a very aroused guy. Like, there is part of me that probably would have took her in the woods and did something, but it didn't awaken for some reason. I also don't know if it's a physical problem. I'm almost 30, I now have high blood pressure, my doctor is actually sending me to get tests next month, including one for my thyroid. Some maybe it's a physical problem? Still, prior to this, the week (even night before), I was very aroused and fantasizing about her even if you catch my drift. I've never had sexual problems before on an individual level. And, I want to mention, on our second date... I was aroused the whole time, when we were just cuddling watching a movie. So I'm confused why the making out didn't escalate that. I don't know, I guess I'm saying I didn't feel sparks when I kissed her.

    Have any of you experienced this before? I'm very concerned that, the main problem here is that I'm not physically into her now. Why I wasn't as turned on as she was? It's crushing me and breaking my heart, she's so perfect, and she is very beautiful, I do feel very physically drawn to her. I just don't know why I didn't feel more aroused at that park to go down on her. And now, after this event, I've gotten severe sexual anxiety in general. I can't "get it up" looking at anything online, I can't eat right, threw half my dinner away last night! I normally get "in the mood" on a daily basis.
    My friends and close family think I should continue seeing her and just take things slow until I feel more comfortable in that department, and address this anxiety issue now. But yeah, I'm freaking out about it. Fortunately I go to therapy every couple weeks, and today I have an appointment today and plan on talking about all this. But I want opinions from others. I just feel like such garbage right now. It's taken me YEARS to find someone this special and someone I connect with. I just hope we have sexual compatibility. I want to mention, we had other plans for that day, and she misinterpreted things thinking I took her there to put moves on her. I only wanted to go in for a first kiss as I am a gentleman. I never had a woman react that way to me before. I'm very flattered, I just want to make sure this is the right person for me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Do you find her attractive? Are you willing to try a few more dates to see if you relax and feelings come about more naturally? The 'lets go in the woods' thing would not be for everyone, what was up with that? Can you pace this a bit? Maybe her aggressiveness was somewhat of a turn off?

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I think it's very difficult to feel turned on and really be in the moment when you've spent so much time thinking and planning that moment out. Will take her to x event to create the right environment for that first kiss, must be magical first kiss, etc. That's you putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on you and getting lost too much inside of your own head. Of course you aren't going to be turned on when you aren't really in the moment.

    Dude chill, relax, learn to go with the flow. These things shouldn't be planned out and orchestrated like that. Most importantly, get out of your head and give yourself time to relax enough to actually enjoy yourself instead of being hyper focused on "the plan" and how you want to appear, etc, etc, etc. When you can shut off the what if's in your brain, you might find yourself relaxed enough to simply enjoy the moment and get turned on.

    Also, please stop with the she is all this and all that. She is just human, flawed, imperfect, with good qualities and bad. When you put her on such an insane pedestal....how can you possibly feel comfortable around that. You are both human. Wrap your mind around that - it might help.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You can meet someone who ticks off all the boxes BUT there is no emotional connection. You can't go by looks alone, or if they seem simply great, make you laugh, etc....it's called chemistry. There is no chemistry and it's not unusual. And by no means is she the the one. This happens more so with women...we can't feel any real intimacy without some emotional connection/bond. Well you just happen to be that way too.
    Plenty of people are in your predicament...just have to understand there is nothing wrong with you IMO. You just haven't met a person that has all the right stuff yet.
    Also it's possible there are things that do turn you off about her that you are avoiding/ignoring because you want this so bad.

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    Maybe it was too soon to make out on the third date. I know I need to have some kind of 'mental spark' with a man to be turned on, and this does not have to be instant. Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself, just because she wanted to go in the woods, you don't have to feel comfortable doing it as well.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Since you mention therapy and depression, if you're on antidepressants, that could've affected your libido at that moment. If you'd been taking the pill in the evening, try taking it in the morning instead. Or maybe you didn't feel comfortable making out with other people around at the outdoor event.

    Since you find her attractive and have fantasized about her, I'd give it more time. Try not to project to the future and just try to enjoy the moment of spending time with an attractive, kind woman.

  8. #7
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    In this situation I would give it one or two more chances but do not have sex. You don't have to test chemistry by actually having sex. Do you desire to kiss and touch her? Do you like holding hands/hugging her? I also think she came on too strong and you might have been overwhelmed which led to your feeling anxious about not feeling as turned on as she was. I do not think you need to question whether you like women -yes, you do, you just might not be attracted to this woman. But I would give it a few more chances. All the best to you. I'm sorry you're this upset/stressed about this.

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    If she was the one, way too much pressure on yourself to perform. My 1st great love, we tried to do it after one month, and he couldn't. Then we talked about it, then got it on left and right. I mean, are you attracted to her. Was the kissing bad, or were you not in the right mindset, like you weren't planning on it?

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    I would slow the pace down and give her more chances. Get to know her better. Just a peck on the lips not full on make out sessions.

    I think by rushing into things it can become anxiety ridden especially when youíre trying to get to know someone.

    Itís not you nor is it her. My guess is youíre overthinking and anxiety have come into play here.

    If you felt aroused before the kissing thatís a good sign.

    I just think her wanting to have sex right then and there scared you.

    If the kisses continue to lack and you get vibes that sheís not the one as you go along. Youíll need to move on.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    And, I want to mention, on our second date... I was aroused the whole time, when we were just cuddling watching a movie.

    I think you were surprised or caught off guard about her assertiveness. I wouldn't over think it, especially in light of you being aroused with her previously. The timing wasn't right for you. That's ok. Shake it off. Don't fall down the `what's wrong with me?' rabbit hole.

    Just tell her you need to take things a little slower. You'll get there.

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