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Thread: Not turned on when making out, is she the wrong one for me?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hey all,
    For anyone that was following this thread, just on here to vent. I went on a mini-vacation this past day, same state, just left out of town to see a concert, and am staying overnight. I'm trying to move on with my life and get over this woman. I thought it'd be good for me to get far away and take a day off work, as I haven't taken a vacation day since I started in April. In some ways, it's been great. The concert I went to was amazing. And, I think I'm handling the break up pretty well. In the past... I would have completely self-destructed over this, into a pit of self-hatred and depression. This one. I don't feel that way. However, I do still have some lingering feelings for this woman I hate to say.

    I keep having dreams about her, every night! No matter what I distract myself with, I have dreams about her, meeting her family whom I've never met. We... we just really had something in the beginning. That saying people say when you know you've found the right one, that's how I felt about her. I know we only had three dates, but we communicated for much longer, it was almost a couple months. It's just really sad and heartbreaking. Everything felt very "right" about her in the beginning.

    My last dream... I dreamt about driving up to her job one day and catching her in an attempt to reconcile. I hate that! I have absolutely NO intentions of doing such a thing, but I hate that I have dreams about it. Part of me I think wishes she would still reach out to me. But I have blocked her on facebook, as well as my phone. My sister did contact her, however (without my consent or knowledge...). She was upset about the way she was ignoring me and things. She never answered my sister either. She also had my home phone # but never called that either. I think it's pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me. Yet sometimes, part of me finds it hard to accept that as well. She was just ridiculously in to me. And I can't believe how fast and sudden someone can change their feelings like that.

    I think, part of me just can't wrap my head around why things ended. Part of me just thinks we should have brushed off this physical contact stuff. But, it is what it is. She just didn't want to answer me. :( I am active on the dating site again, and attracting a couple women. But, I haven't made any dates (yet). I just, I wanna make sure it's right. And I don't wanna go into something with feelings of this other woman still.

  2. #42
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    You can't make sure it's right without meeting a person in person after screening for safety and basic compatibility.

    Having dreams is normal despite annoying! Alain De Boton once wrote to keep in mind that if you go on vacation you still take yourself with you lol. Read some of his books. Awesome writer/philosopher.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    As you continue to process all this, I would try to let a certain phrase dominate: three dates.

    Subtract all the hopes and projections in your mind and remember that this is, in the end, a person you met three times, who you knew for only a few hours in your 29 years of existence. No, that doesn't soften the hurt and disappointment, but it puts it in perspective, which I get the sense you're struggling with a bit right now.

    There is a huge gap between dating and being in a relationship, and another huge gap between being in a relationship and being in a serious one. If you can have perspective on this—a disappointment in dating—it will help you manage feelings down the line, in dating, and once inside relationships, where things get much more intense because what you're creating with and alongside someone is actually bigger than the stories the mind produces. It will help you respect those real gaps, and respect that is it only time, not something we can say or another can say for us, that closes them.

    On that note, piggybacking on what Batya said: You can't "make sure it's right"—not through texts, not even, as you've learned, through a few dates. Not ever, truth be told. I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months, for instance. I have not pulled out the chisel and carved "it's right" into the rock face. I'm not particularly worried about things—because they feel right, I know how I feel, we communicate well, and I'm enjoying the journey in seeing if, together, we can do our best to "make sure" it's right. But all that is a process between two people, over lots of time, not one we can do alone, in our heads. If we think of this all as something we can "engineer" we miss out on the magic of another person, and respecting that they bring as much weight and power to it all as we do.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    As you continue to process all this, I would try to let a certain phrase dominate: three dates.

    Subtract all the hopes and projections in your mind and remember that this is, in the end, a person you met three times, who you knew for only a few hours in your 29 years of existence. No, that doesn't soften the hurt and disappointment, but it puts it in perspective, which I get the sense you're struggling with a bit right now.
    Yet again, well spoken, you sound very experienced on this subject. :) I'm surprised, 10 months, and you still sound like you take things a bit slow with your current girlfriend. You're right on three dates thing. They lasted several hours but you're right, it was three dates. This entire experience, this one person alone, has just so flipped my perspective on dating upside down.

    I'm back on the dating site where I met the last one, and I'm now talking to two women. One has already agreed to a date and gave me her number. :) But, I am going at this with a drastically more open mind. This person... she's actually a mother. But, she sounds like she has a very solid career and income, and has her head on straight. In the past, I would automatically reject someone that has a child. But now... why not give her a chance? The truth is, I don't know anything about these people. And clearly I didn't even after a few dates with the last one. What's there the harm in seeing if something is there? For all I know, she may be more serious and responsible than this last woman.

    This other one, she's not a mom. But, she sounds nice, and is cute from her photos. I'm just keeping a very open mind now, keeping my expectations a lot more in check. Maybe I'm more spiritual of a person than I realized, or used to be, anyway. I'd feel like all the stars aligned for me to meet these people. When really, we're being matched up on a dating site.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, I've got 11 years on you, so there's probably some experience here.

    I wouldn't say I'm taking things slow in my current relationship, at least not in the sense that my foot is hovering over the brake pedal and regularly tapping it. I've tried that approach, with limited results. So I'm on the gas, fully, and there are ways where it's all gone quite fast: 10 months ago I didn't know she existed, today I'm in love and building something with her that feels vital. So from that angle it's pretty wild and vulnerable, no?

    I'm just not "flooring" it, since I know what happens if you try to drive with the gas pedal all the way to the floor: it's thrilling for a moment, but how do you get around the tight curves without flipping over? How do you avoid colliding with a wall? That's pretty important, if you're into the long journey, as I am. I also—to extend this metaphor—think it's most important to know you travel well together in the spiritual and logistical sense, as partners, rather than to think of your partner (and your relationship) as the destination. And that takes time, especially when there are lots of layers to each person. Fortunately I'm with someone who views these things similarly.

    Anyhow, enjoy the new people. I'd suggest keeping the conversations over text pretty limited, so things develop face to face—one person responding to another. It's a dance, not a race. Maybe you find you like connecting to someone with a child—I did!—or maybe not. No path is wrong. An hour at time, as it takes time for stars to align. The ones you see at night, after all, are millions of years old.

  7. #46
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    "She was just ridiculously in to me."

    And that's exactly why she's not responding to you or messaging you.

    If she viewed you as casual she would have no problem continuing contact. But she needs to stay away from you in order to get over you.

    Does that not make sense? Or do you think she should be chasing you, perhaps begging and pleading for you to take her back?

  8. #47
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hey all,
    I just wanted to update you all on for who followed and gave their wise words here. I moved on from this lady that I had the negative experience with. I've since had dates with two other women (mentioned in my post from a few weeks ago). The first one I dated was the single mother of two, I dated her a few weeks ago. We didn't click... at all. There was just zero chemistry. She was a nice lady, but I think she's not ready to be dating anyone at all. She has children with two different dads. We went on a date on a Sunday, and her mind was on her workplaces, her employees, she sitting there distracted texting people half the time (which was very rude). Hey, I gave her a shot so whatever. Second woman was last night. Date went 1000x better than the single mom. :) She has no kids, her mind is in the game. We already want to see each other again today. Her face, she's beautiful and has amazing eyes. We have similar personalities and interest, I just felt good and comfortable around her.

    I know this is a first date, but, this woman has officially rekindled the spark in me a little. That woman I first posted about not turning me on... it put me into a serious sexual rut for weeks!!! I, honest to god, went through a case of sexual OCD, which is the absolutely worst crap you would ever want to go through in your life. I was freaking out, questioning my sexuality, losing my my mind, identity, and self-worth. It's like, your constantly checking to see if and what you're turned on by, and nothing (people nor porn) seem enjoyable anymore. You kind of drive yourself mad and feel false attraction for things and people. I did go to my therapist for it. It was all because I wasn't turned on kissing that first woman.

    This date last night is the first time I felt like I came up for air, that I felt relief. The truth, I'm not afraid or embarrassed to say anymore... I'm a virgin. Yep. 29 years old, it just never happened (obviously). I think that situation with the first woman wanting to bang in the woods, it just felt like a little too much too fast for a guy that hasn't done that before. In my physical inexperience, I might have came on to hard to her with the making out and wasn't expecting her to respond the way she did. I think I put way too much pressure on myself, and sex, losing it, that it became a bit uncomfortable. My only comparable physical experience prior was with a closet lesbian (which I think is the reason why I had a sexual breakdown over not being turned on, as well as not knowing how far to go with this first lady). Another thing... maybe me and this first woman weren't all that compatible as I thought. She was a bit religious (I am not), I wasn't into the foods she likes. She was very obsessed with traveling, going to this country she used to live in, I'm not a big traveler. I think some of you hit the mark that maybe I create something in my head what I want these people to be and not see what's really there.

    This new woman, yeah. 110% comfortable around her so far. :) So, I'm a bit of a potty mouth. And she is, too. Honestly, a turn on for me. I don't feel like I have to pretend around her. She talks a lot, but that's okay, cause I also run my mouth! It just felt right. I honestly don't have anything bad to say about her. She texts me a lot more, says good morning every day, I love stuff like that. It makes me feel wanted. I've said this before but this time I mean it. I'm taking things SLOW! I'm just gonna live in the moment with her. I'm gonna let things naturally progress. If and when sex is in the cards, just let it happen naturally. But for a man to function (at least for me), I have come to realize it has to be real, genuine, not rushed. I think it has to be in a more appropriate time and place (not in the woods at a crowded public park on a third date), especially for a first timer. I will post back occasionally with how things progress.

  9. #48
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    The take away is "so far." One date. Head in the clouds but you need feet on the ground. Not necessary to just "live in the moment" because that's dishonest -you are looking for a potentially serious relationship. That is a long term goal. That requires planning and assessing and not just "living in the moment". And - completely consistent with that thought -each date with her is your last date -that is the reality -unless you two have a time place plan to meet up again. If you do, sure, you can expect that a normal human will show up absent an emergency. I think given how intense you get stop the good morning texts. She's not your wife. She's someone you met one time in your life. And you want to keep at least some of the mystery and surprise going which the cliche and mundane good morning texts detract from. And you will get anxious because you'll think this is a pattern and if heaven forbid she oversleeps or is not in the mood to wish you a good morning your mind will go to anxious places. So get to know her in person mostly, at a reasonable pace, limit texts to making/confirming plans and call her on the phone for a substantive 20 minute or so conversation if you're not going to see her for a week.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    The take away is "so far." One date. Head in the clouds but you need feet on the ground. Not necessary to just "live in the moment" because that's dishonest -you are looking for a potentially serious relationship. That is a long term goal. That requires planning and assessing and not just "living in the moment". And - completely consistent with that thought -each date with her is your last date -that is the reality -unless you two have a time place plan to meet up again. If you do, sure, you can expect that a normal human will show up absent an emergency. I think given how intense you get stop the good morning texts. She's not your wife. She's someone you met one time in your life. And you want to keep at least some of the mystery and surprise going which the cliche and mundane good morning texts detract from. And you will get anxious because you'll think this is a pattern and if heaven forbid she oversleeps or is not in the mood to wish you a good morning your mind will go to anxious places. So get to know her in person mostly, at a reasonable pace, limit texts to making/confirming plans and call her on the phone for a substantive 20 minute or so conversation if you're not going to see her for a week.
    I hear you. Well, yeah, living in the moment and making moments. I watched a youtuber about that, who talks about "making moments" with people, which leads to a relationship. Look, there's definitely planning/assessing. But I'm also trying to be a bit more laid back about it, cause with this first woman, it's like two dates in and I felt she was going to be my future wife or something. In some ways, I totally flipped, in now I am keeping my guard up a lot.

    And, we did actually have a second long date today. :) It went pretty well. The good morning text, haha, that's really her! She started doing it before we even met. And, she actually did miss sending one on the day of our first date. I didn't freak out about it at all, it's just texting to me.

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by musicman777
    I hear you. Well, yeah, living in the moment and making moments. I watched a youtuber about that, who talks about "making moments" with people, which leads to a relationship. Look, there's definitely planning/assessing. But I'm also trying to be a bit more laid back about it, cause with this first woman, it's like two dates in and I felt she was going to be my future wife or something. In some ways, I totally flipped, in now I am keeping my guard up a lot.

    And, we did actually have a second long date today. :) It went pretty well. The good morning text, haha, that's really her! She started doing it before we even met. And, she actually did miss sending one on the day of our first date. I didn't freak out about it at all, it's just texting to me.
    It doesn't matter who starts a texting pattern -you are an adult, you control the pace. I dated men who wanted to see me every day. I knew that was a bad idea so I politely set limits. I don't think you should think about marriage. I do think you should continue to be honest with yourself that you're not dating her solely to have "moments" - you have long term general goals. You want something potentially serious. So while enjoying those moments simultaneously keep perspective. No need to lie to yourself that you can just go with the flow and live in the moment. Laid back works great!

    Texting daily is the opposite of keeping your guard up IMO.

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