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Thread: Not turned on when making out, is she the wrong one for me?

  1. #31
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    Wishing you all the best in all.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Wishing you all the best in all.
    TY. I just wanted to let you all know I am doing a lot better today. I talked to a dear friend of mine last night, we're like brothers. He made me feel 1000x better about everything. It's different than talking to a therapist or on the internet about this. He's been through the same situation with his long-term girlfriend now, where she didn't like kissing him when they first started dating. It's also nice to hear things from a male perspective in-person from someone my age that I've essentially grown up with. I just feel a lot more normal today. Regarding the lady... I would like to see her again. In all honestly... I miss her now. We would text every day and things. I have not heard back, but it's only been a couple days, and I know she's working. She works very very long shifts at an important job where she has to be completely aware of what she's doing and attentive to her work. That doesn't give her much time to think about her personal life. I'm just giving her lots of time and space to sort out her feelings.

    ... I really think her and I had something very special. I just think, we should have a good talk on the phone and then just go out for a new, fresh date idea, minus the erotic makeout sessions. I really think we should just brush this last experience off. I've been getting upset about it here and there. But, I'm trying not to be too hard on myself at the same time. I think we're just both inexperienced at dating. Neither of us deserve blame or guilt for being so into each other.

    I'll let you all know what happens. I'm just gonna concentrate on other parts of my life (as best I can). I may reach out to her next week if I don't hear anything back, but obviously that wouldn't be a good sign. But... I really think she's going to reach out to me. We were getting pretty close, like I said, bf/gf already. There's more to this story I haven't posted than our physical encounter dates that we kind of built some early trust and a relationship on already.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hope it works out for you!

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I wish dudes talked about this stuff more—and I'm happy to hear you found some solace and insight from a dude friend.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hello everyone,
    For those that have been following this post and have offered kind words and suggestions. I have unfortunately not heard back from this lady I am dating. This morning, I made one last effort to communicate her via Facebook and asked if she would like to talk on the phone to clear the air. She did not respond and I also sadly have a feeling that she may have put me on the ignore list on facebook messenger, as she was online and did not read the message. Strangely she left me on her friends list.

    I've decided this relationship is over. I'm sorry, but this is NOT what love (or a budding romance) is supposed to feel like! I'm not supposed to be depressed, anxious, lonely, or confused, sitting here having to give the person space, wondering how or why they're not answering me for days on end. I don't know if it was the physical contact, maybe falling for each other too fast, maybe she's got other issues, all of the above. She sounds a little indecisive about parts of her life as well, and where she wants to live, etc. Maybe it's for the best for those reasons, and also because I did not connect with her via the kissing. I been thinking about when I first talked to her on the dating site we met, and even our first date. I was iffy about her appearance before even meeting her, that she wasn't quite my type. I felt mean and wrong for thinking about that, but maybe I shouldn't in the future now. Attraction is important. I don't know if I felt like I was quite into her the way she was to me. She's got a bit of a strange personality, too. Kind of very shy and reserved, where she can't find words to say, then suddenly is this complete chatterbox in the polar opposite direction.

    At the very least, I would have appreciated a final conversation, she should have acknowledged she doesn't want to be with me instead of making me cling on like this. It's the "adult" thing to do. It speaks a lot about her character, ghosting a man whom she swore she wouldn't hurt, and someone whom she kind of agreed to be in a serious and exclusive relationship with. Maybe I could sense this in her before.

    Yes I'm a grown man, but I cried it out today. I really thought she was the one, and maybe mom sent her my way. I never felt the way I felt about her for anyone in a long time. We had a couple magical dates and moments, and she was just an incredibly sweet woman (until the end). But, there are other women out there. I'm a changed man than I was years ago when I first came on here. I'm a better person, more patient, I have my life and career figured out, and I'm still pretty young. I have more confidence and don't feel unattractive anymore (especially after this experience!). I'm sure there will come across other women, online or in life. One that will feel right to kiss. One that will feel right for everything else.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You seem ready to date and open to finding love. That will not go away because one lady didn't work out. Keep us posted.

  8. #37
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    I don't think you need a final conversation for closure with someone you had a few dates with. I think she may have some hangups about physical affection given how aggressive she was in that situation you described (or some hangups about you who knows). I think letting yourself go with "she's the one" so soon is self-sabotaging - you can feel what you feel and choose a reaction to what you feel that keeps your head in the clouds BUT your feet on the ground. I'm sorry you're disappointed and upset.

    She didn't make you cling on -silence is an answer this early on that she's no longer interested.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Really sorry about this. I know you hoped for a different outcome, but you seem to have the right attitude about it.

    I do agree with Batya, about working to keep your expectations in check a bit so you can enjoy both the feelings and be comfortable not quite knowing what those feelings will add up to. For whatever it's worth, I have something of a personal rule—not quite etched in marble, but a solid support beam to keep the feet rooted in the ground while the head shoots off to Cloud 9—that it takes about a year to really have any idea where something is going with someone, to be able to count on those feelings being a net you can trust to hold you, to hold you both.

    That doesn't mean being cagey and self-protective for 12 white-knuckle months, emphasizing doubts over excitement. Kind of the opposite: it's allowing questions, rather than answers, be the fuel of the thrill, the thing you answer slowly, together, rather than quickly in your own mind. If we make someone "the one" so early we're kind of putting them, and ourselves, in a box: fully-formed characters in a completed story, instead of two people just starting to write a story together. Part of that story includes more butterfly-inducing moments—yay!—and part of it is just pragmatic stuff, seeing how you get along in a variety of scenarios, from the physical to just handling the day-to-day business of existing. Too many variables for complex humans to understand after 3 dates, much as our complex human brains and hearts can wish otherwise.

    Sounds like you've had a pretty amazing few years—hard years, but productive ones. Being the "new" you—more confident, more patient, and so on—is likely going to allow you to connect with more people, which is to say the odds are high that you'll soon find yourself enjoying a chat with another woman, a wonderful first date or third date. With all that there are likely to be more highs—and, yes, lows. The more you can fully enjoy those moments for exactly what they are—rather than what they will lead to or almost were or should have been—the stronger a foundation you'll build for a relationship, when you meet the right person.

    This woman is not that person. Life has proved this, she has proved this, choosing silence over continued contact. Total bummer, no two ways about it. Sorry again. But that bummer doesn't negate the potency of the brief connection—and, most importantly, doesn't negate you being ready, and open, to a deep connection with a woman now that you've found a deeper connection with yourself. Make sure to celebrate that openness as you mourn this disappointment.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Really sorry about this. I know you hoped for a different outcome, but you seem to have the right attitude about it.

    I do agree with Batya, about working to keep your expectations in check a bit so you can enjoy both the feelings and be comfortable not quite knowing what those feelings will add up to. For whatever it's worth, I have something of a personal rule—not quite etched in marble, but a solid support beam to keep the feet rooted in the ground while the head shoots off to Cloud 9—that it takes about a year to really have any idea where something is going with someone, to be able to count on those feelings being a net you can trust to hold you, to hold you both.

    That doesn't mean being cagey and self-protective for 12 white-knuckle months, emphasizing doubts over excitement. Kind of the opposite: it's allowing questions, rather than answers, be the fuel of the thrill, the thing you answer slowly, together, rather than quickly in your own mind. If we make someone "the one" so early we're kind of putting them, and ourselves, in a box: fully-formed characters in a completed story, instead of two people just starting to write a story together. Part of that story includes more butterfly-inducing moments—yay!—and part of it is just pragmatic stuff, seeing how you get along in a variety of scenarios, from the physical to just handling the day-to-day business of existing. Too many variables for complex humans to understand after 3 dates, much as our complex human brains and hearts can wish otherwise.

    Sounds like you've had a pretty amazing few years—hard years, but productive ones. Being the "new" you—more confident, more patient, and so on—is likely going to allow you to connect with more people, which is to say the odds are high that you'll soon find yourself enjoying a chat with another woman, a wonderful first date or third date. With all that there are likely to be more highs—and, yes, lows. The more you can fully enjoy those moments for exactly what they are—rather than what they will lead to or almost were or should have been—the stronger a foundation you'll build for a relationship, when you meet the right person.

    This woman is not that person. Life has proved this, she has proved this, choosing silence over continued contact. Total bummer, no two ways about it. Sorry again. But that bummer doesn't negate the potency of the brief connection—and, most importantly, doesn't negate you being ready, and open, to a deep connection with a woman now that you've found a deeper connection with yourself. Make sure to celebrate that openness as you mourn this disappointment.
    TY for you detailed response, bluecastle. I wrote you a response earlier and forgot to finish it. I think you have an interesting rule for the 12-month thing before calling someone "the one". I'm almost starting to not even like the concept of "the one". It's kind of a numbers game where you find someone you're compatible with. It sucks. I was kind of a "hopeless romantic" person, and that side of me is changing. I'm not really sure there is such a thing anymore.

    Yeah my life and having productive years, I don't know if I'd call them amazing, but did a lot of growing. In the past 3~ years, I've went through the death of one of my best friends (commit suicide), my mom, my dog died who was like a brother to me. I used to say if my mom and dog both died, I was done with this world. Yet... here I am. The death of my mother was actually freedom for me (she was overbearing on me and had health ailments). Last year, my dad (a lifelong alcoholic), I let him borrow my truck to go to the doctor one day. He instead, went drinking, crashed it into a wall. He devastated us both financially from it as we own the property together, and now his very little SSI he gets was going to courts and things. This pushed me to put myself out there and get a great job at a software company, where I'm very happy at. I have steady employment, health & life insurance, a few dollars in the bank now. Where I am at in my life right now, I for the first time in my entire adult life, don't have to worry about money whatsoever, or being dependent on anyone or anything.

    I just have a way of bouncing back from things. Mom dies? Make the most of it, live life as she wanted me to. Dad ruins things for you, scared of not having money and losing your home? Suck it up and get a job. I also been pretty consistently going to therapy for the last year and a half. I used to go every other week, now every other week (big insurance copay). But, I think it helps having an outsider perspective. You can go to a place like that and talk about almost anything you want. Family, death, sex, I think that helps. It's not a solution to all the problems in the world, but I think it helps. Even if I'm feeling better, life has a way of sneaking up on you sometimes (like this experience). So I think it's good to keep appointments going, because I do have depression.

    This dating thing. For the first time, it wasn't so much that I was desperate to be with someone, but I felt like I deserved a chance to be happy, and not have to life my life alone. It's what my mom would have wanted as well. So, I tried! I still have the account up on the website where I met this woman. And... actually messaged some people. Life goes on. I feel I should have stayed proactive on this dating site even while dating this woman. Part of me thought about that, and i got too obsessed with that idea of her being "the one". That's gonna change next time.

  11. #40
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    So yes, choose not to react to being excited by acting in an obsessive way and putting all your eggs in one basket. Even if you don't have a partner you are not "alone" - you will have friends, colleagues, acquaintances, etc. I do believe there is "the one" for some people, for others it feels different than "the one" and that is because -people are individuals. I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist -good for you!

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