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Thread: Not turned on when making out, is she the wrong one for me?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Maybe she isn't your type. Leave it at: not compatible.

  2. #22
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Great advise, Sunflower.
    I've experience a little bit of this myself. Valuable lesson to learn.
    What I believed were my greatest loves, were unrequited loves. So it wasn't really love at all.
    Until I knew better I associated love with that intense angst and longing.
    Thanks but think I may have posted this to the wrong thread! I meant to post it to the poster (cainsim?) whose current girlfriend is more attracted to/sexually turned on by her ex than him, or so he believes.

  3. #23
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    I think sexual chemistry is important. Not feeling anything when kissing them would be a bad sign.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hey all,
    I final update regarding this topic for the night. After talking with my friend, therapist, kind of doing some soul searching. I decided that, I still want to see this lady. I called her up but I think she was asleep, she typically goes to bed very early. I left a VM telling her I still wanted to see her and would like to dial it back, bring things back to where they were on our first couple dates. Not focus on the future or think about getting physical too fast, just have fun and relax. I apologized that things happened too quickly.
    I just think, there's a lot of anxiety going on right now. I have bad anxiety in general, and now it's directed at this part of my life in full focus. I'm willing to just take things slow and see if things work out between us, because prior to this, we had such amazing chemistry. I don't think it's worth throwing away (yet). My therapist said, you don't always feel sparks/fire when kissing someone so early on. She said, things aren't like in the movies. She thinks I had performance anxiety as far as not being turned on goes.

    I also think, this woman I'm seeing is very inexperienced with men and dating. I think it's very plausible she's a virgin and maybe eager to "lose it", my therapist mentioned that in particular. She says we need to have open discussions about this stuff before crossing that line. Ask her if she's been with any guys, etc. Maybe she wasn't being her genuine self getting into the situation as much as she was.
    I'm willing to take this slow and go on some more fun, low-key dates. If things still don't feel right with her, I can chalk it up as experience. If she don't want to date me anymore, well, same thing. Life goes on. I'm gonna try to focus on my work now and my other hobbies for the rest of this night. There's more to life than dating and romance 24/7 and it get's quite exhausting thinking about it all the time!

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Emm, Didnt you have this, slow down, not ready conversation already?
    Things like this tend to be fragile early on. Belaboring it probably wasnt the best move.
    No doubt this has been weighing heavily on her as well.
    Shes likely either wondering if your not interested, but with the added voicemail she's likely to catch on to your anxiety.
    This will tilt in your favor or not. It will be interesting to hear her interpration.
    I personally think you should have lightened the mood and moved on from it. But what's done is done.

  7. #26
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    I hope the next date goes ok. If you care about her feelings please don't call her late at night or leave detailed voice mails or texts. Talk about this very sensitive and personal stuff in person or at the very least on the phone. You're showing her you are self-absorbed and just want to "get it out" whether she's awake or asleep, there or not. Lighten up a bit and only talk about this stuff as necessary -it might not be necessary at all.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Nice to see you are doing so much better than in the past.

    So you spent years dreaming of meeting someone and then when you finally did and she wasn't just what you imagined your mind is second guessing everything. This is the problem with preconceived notions or images in our mind. If who you meet doesn't meet or exceed what you dreamt of then you are disappointed. For example the color of her hair. 2 years ago could you imagine yourself rejecting a beautiful woman because she wasn't a blonde? Focus on the positives not the negatives or in this case perceived negatives.

    Okay onto the limp weeny problem.

    I think reinventmyself is onto something. This woman was way ahead of you and it startled you and could have even turned you off a little. Many people get turned off if someone is too aggressive while others love it. In your mind you wanted it all to go on your terms and at your pace. You had already decided it was just going to be a make out session at the most and when it suddenly went way faster your body freaked.

    If you get a second chance with this woman you need to relax and get out of your own head and see her as just a person. She is not perfect, she goes to the bathroom, blows her nose, passes gas and all those human things just like you do.
    Next you need to leave yourself alone and stop masturbating. Jerking off to porn will cause you to condition yourself to only get a boner for staged, fake and unrealistic people and circumstances. You might not think there is a correlation but all you have to do is read these forums for a while and see guy after guy that can't get or keep an erection and 9 times out of 10 is because of porn.

    If I were you I would ask her to lunch. It is a safe date with no connotations.

    I do hope you get a do over.

    Lost

  9. #28
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hey guys,
    Thank you again so much for the replies. You don't know how much I appreciate the feedback and criticisms both. I need people to talk to and to help guide me through this. So, I have not heard back from this lady (yet), but she is known to be a notoriously slow responder to text (and calls I would include) sometimes. That was said reason for the voicemail, she's kind of a difficult person to get a hold of because of her job. Honestly, she already knows about my anxieties and even depression. She has it, too. We talked about that, we did a lot of talking on our dates. That is part of the quirks of people, we're not perfect as one of your said. She knows I'm a very emotional guy. We really had something great going our first couple dates and had a connection, in fact, we kind of agreed on the last date to be exclusive. I really think we should talk on the phone. I don't know what she is feeling or thinking now.

    I'm willing to go on another date, short and sweet, see if the spark is still there that we had on the first couple dates. If it doesn't happen though, whatever. I'm growing up on the subject of dating and gaining more confidence in myself with women. I think some of you are right, how I put these women on a pedestal. How I kind of hope/want/dream of them to be this amazing, perfect person, and set myself up for disappointments like this. I try to rush things, try to make a relationship happen too fast and things. Honestly, this woman is the same way. She was kind of talking/thinking about all these grandiose plans and adventures we'd go on. Some of it just sounded like total overkill to me.

    Some of you may or may not know, my mom died last year. Which still has a lot of emotional weight on me. Even though I'm not super spiritual/religious (quite the opposite), sometimes I feel my mom makes positive things happen in my life. I almost felt like my mom sent this woman to me , or intervened somehow so we could meet. Because she seemed so damn perfect at first. Kind, sweet, generous, patient. Maybe I have to stop thinking that way. We met via an algorithm on a dating site designed make people with similar personalities meet. It had nothing to do with my dead mom. The pressure of it being someone my mom sent me sometimes weights down on me. :( It makes things sadder and harder to deal with. I really wish she was here to talk to right now.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by musicman777
    I really wish she was here to talk to right now.
    Awww, I'm sorry. . .I lost my mom last year too I get it.

    It does really seem like you are really high and low. Building this up to a big proportion, just to tear it down again.
    I get the sense this doesn't really have anything to do with her though, but something you are struggling with.
    Maybe something to give some thought to.

    As good as it seems in the moment, I also don't think it's a good idea to bond with a potential romantic interest by exercising your personal struggles with them. Not so early on, but maybe later when a foundation is better built on friendship and common interests. Our weaknesses aren't the glue that holds us together. Especially when we don't really know each other.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Also sorry about your mom. Hugs.

    I very much agree with what reinvent is saying. There are a lot of contradictions in your writing about her—a pendulum swinging from extreme to extreme, and missing out, maybe, on the middle. The middle is where the gold is, where the mystery of yourself and another self has room to blossom.

    Just wanted to say, for future reference: everything you described in your first post—the part about the flood flowing everywhere but between your legs—is just normal. As normal as the sun setting, as normal as a dog barking, a thing that happens and is going to happen again. No biggie. Shrug emoji.

    The sooner you get to processing it all like that—rather than something to dissect in therapy or clarify over texts and voice mails—the sooner you'll be where I think you want to be. Instead of being an awkward moment, it can just be an honest moment, even an unexpected step toward greater intimacy and—oh, wait, what's that?—more targeted blood flow. All that, and hardly a word needs to be said.

    Our bodies are beautiful navigators, along with our minds, especially when they can work in tandem instead of in opposition. Right now I think you've got a few gauges in the head above your shoulders spinning pretty hard, which made the head between the legs hyperventilate—to say nothing of what was a pretty ultra-forward pivot from her that, who knows, may have had something to do with her own spinning gauges as much as a desire to "do it" in the woods.

    Anyhow, with her it's like you've got this whole novel in your head, one you keep writing and rewriting at the expense of the simple realty: new person, a few dates, some sparks. She's not a character in your story, but a person on the planet, and that, really, is the more exciting story because it's the only real story: the one actually transpiring in the present, not fueled by hopes, dreams, anxieties.

    Deep breaths, what comes of this will come of this. Hard mindset to hold onto in these matters, but it's even more critical as early dating turns into a relationship and the feelings are really fueled by a deepening connection and not the furious novelist in our heads.

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