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Thread: Did I do the right thing?

  1. #1
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    Did I do the right thing?

    Dated amazing person over summer. Totally into her. Had to go back to professional school across country. Long texts and talks truncated she started seeing someone else and told me she hopes to still be friends and talk to me. I told her I canít be friends without ulterior motives. She said something like its not no for us forever and talked about future.

    I miss her both as friend and more. Am I being selfish by losing both? Is she being selfish and using me? My head and gut says Iím selfish and she is using me, my heart says nope.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry y to hear this. Tough call. It seems she was not up for a LDR. It sounds like you are being honest with yourself and her. That's the best you can do with this scenario.
    Originally Posted by crazylovebug
    Dated amazing person over summer. Had to go back to professional school across country.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by crazylovebug
    Dated amazing person over summer. Totally into her. Had to go back to professional school across country. Long texts and talks truncated she started seeing someone else and told me she hopes to still be friends and talk to me. I told her I canít be friends without ulterior motives. She said something like its not no for us forever and talked about future.

    I miss her both as friend and more. Am I being selfish by losing both? Is she being selfish and using me? My head and gut says Iím selfish and she is using me, my heart says nope.
    It sounds like you responded to her news in a knee jerk manner. Give it some time and let the emotions settle down and you'll see you are just two really good people who met each other at the wrong time.

  4. #4
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    You cannot be friends if there are feeling. Too painful.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You could've worded it more diplomatically IMHO. Instead of telling her you couldn't have friendship without ulterior motives, you could've worded it like: "I can't be friends if there isn't a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship." You should've been more clear instead of using the words "ulterior motives" which has a negative connotation. You have to be careful in how you word your messages to people otherwise people take offense or it just comes out being unkind.

    No, you're not being selfish. You're being realistic now that you're across the country. Listen to your head and your heart. Whenever relationships are impractical due to geographical distance and the fact that she's already started to see someone else, it wasn't meant to be. It's time for both of you to move on.

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    I agree with Wiseman2. She doesn't seem like she wants to do a long distance thing at this point. She seems to really like you and might not realize by saying "it's not no forever" is selfish and it's putting you in a very difficult, awkward place. Friendships are a great thing to have but if you don't feel like that's something you can do, that's okay too. You haven't known her all that long. I'd say just give yourself some time and space to think about it.

  8. 10-14-2019, 10:20 PM

  9. 10-15-2019, 12:30 AM

  10. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You did the right thing. Staying friends would have been hurtful to you. She is not using you either as she gave you all the information needed to make an informed decision. She started seeing someone else, which was a pragmatic choice given that you are cross country. Not everyone is willing to hold down an LDR and that is a wise choice imo. Next time around, you may want to be more apprehensive about summer flings and long distance making for a bad combination down the line so as to be better prepared for such disappointments.

  11. #8
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    I don't see how she is using you. She was honest she is seeing someone else, and offered friendship. I think she was simply trying to be upfront that her status has changed, and genuinely likes you as a person, but probably understands if you can't be friends right now.

    And I believe you made the right choice in turning down the offer of friendship. It will be too painful for you to be her friend while she dates another guy.

  12. #9
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    Did more than just above...went all in for her. Never figured out how to convey its okay to see someone else when left. Similar difficultly arose in conveying I canít be friends because I care.

    I know what a fling is and what the big L isnít. Donít really know what this is yet, but I know what it wasnít.

    I believe in giving someone permission to hurt you and giving without expecting anything in return. The fact that I couldnít give friendship without expecting anything in return made me wonder if I acted out of jealousy.

    There were two roads. Grow as friends and keep half. Or give up everything right now.

    Iíd make the same choice every time, but I see her in the eyes of girls Iíve been with since. By the way a new girl(s) doesnít work. I am comfortable trying as long as I donít lie, but I am not ready yet and really busy so I stopped.

    Honestly, this worked out how I wanted, but the irrational fear of loss and how much I care are new feelings that make me question if I did the right thing (I know I did ;)

    The last thing we did was make out in a metra station getting on different trains. If thats the last time I see her it was beautiful closure to our story. If I see her again it was the perfect ending to our first chapter.


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