Free Therapy Request

[misterjister]

Hello folks

This is a bit of a mad one - i'll try and keep it as short as I can whilst explaining and getting stuff off my chest as well (i need to)

The same thing has happened to me twice. Original story >> [Register to see the link]

So after that happened I was utterly heartbroken. I did everything i could to get her back and i did! We dated Holidays abroad, restaurants, paying for everything (i'd saved up really hard) . I moved back into her home and helped with bills.

but after a while i thought hang on i'm not really getting much back is it just me? I took a step back to see if she'd reach out/ask what's wrong? Nothing. I began to sleep on tthe sofa more as she found it hard to sleep with me there and up early for work.
I felt like just a lodger who helped pay the mortgage and bills.

The sex dropped off, no effort from her to touch, the conversations and everything just became stale. I felt that i had to instigate everything. I got fed up of it. It was amazing for the first year. We both were so in love. She was really apologetic about what had happened before. (For those who dont have the time to read the link basically she got with a co-worker within weeks of us splitting up - they lasted 6-7 months but were never "serious")

We were together again for 2 years - 11 in total.

And so

I said i'd had enough. We had a daft row about nothing. she says let's sort out plans for me to move out at the end of the month. The tempers got frayed and i said "fck it i'll move out now!". Got all my stuff and left.

Are you still with me? OK

So after a few days we begin talking and we were ok again. Texting, telephone. We're both in our mid 40's. And we were liking things/comments on Facebook etc.

i remark to friends that we've split up but we're still on good terms.

<<<<Here it comes folks......6 weeks after the split>>>>>

She tells me she's off on hols in a few days. I say where to? It's abroad to a place we visited twice. I then ask who with, is it a man?

"Just a mate but yes"

"Who is this mate?", i ask. She won't say, it's someone "she's known years but it's nobody i know"

hmmm i take a look at her Facebook. I notice the likes dont add up theres a lot of +1 other.
hmmm i remember i have a second account- i look on that one and see the missing "facebook liker". It's someone who started working at her place 2 years ago. He's actually friends also with the bloke she had a relationship with last time too.

She's adamant that "he's just a friend" "im just going on holiday with a mate". So i reply with "if just a friend are you saying there's no sexual attraction at all and nothings going to happen?". She refuses to answer.

Now don't get me wrong here and this is important. I don't want her back. I did everything to right what i hadnt done the first time.
But we agreed that we'd always be friends and that we'd share what was happening in our lives.

I know, i know. We broke up- it's not really any of my business anymore.

I'm hurt and upset about the speed of it. I find it hard to beleive that it was just a spur of the moment decision to book a holiday- she completely doesnt do that- everything has to be completely organised etc.

My gut instinct tells me that they were getting close for a long time in the staff canteen and started organising a holiday as soon as i was gone. I left a decent job and forced back to my parents whilst saving for somewhere

To make it worse they flew out on my birthday. ( and no I didn't get a card or even a text to say happy birthday ;) ).

Ive gone NC the last message from her went along the lines of " i havent hurt you intentionally, he is just a friend but i knew you'd be like this. dont want to lose contact with you. We are better than that"

What's hurt me is both the speed of this happening - hey i knew it would eventually- but after last time i'd thought she'd have waited a few months at least.
My second problem is "he's just a friend". I feel completely insulted by that for some reason?

i dont want her back but i cant help feeling completely betrayed again. It's basically a carbon copy of what happened before. Short turnaround with a work colleague. All i wanted was honesty, respect, and not to be treated like an idot.

I know what this "just a friend" will magically turn into and if i had gone along with her BS in a few weeks it would be "he was just a friend and i never planeed it but we are together now"

What i want to know is. Do i have a right to be pxxxd off? Does anyone believe that "he's a friend". Am i out of order?

I know i have to focus on myself etc. I'm still in shock folks, and i was doing okay about it until i found out about "mate".

I just thought i'd share my story with you. Any thoughts would be brilliant.

Thanks if you made it

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Make sure all your legal and financial entanglements from living together are finally severed. Unless you both want this move in/out, on/off, cheat/play-games insanity, step out of it for good this time.

Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media. When you have gotten rid of any loose ends financially, etc delete and block her from all messaging apps and devices.

In the mean time, work on you. Hit the gym, get fit, replace some bad habits with good ones, update your look, hair etc. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer and make some new friends. Get a full check up from a physician to rule out physical or neurochemical problems that you could treat and ask for a referral to a therapist

[ninjabib]

Yeah sort out any financial issues properly and legally then block, delete and move on. She doesn't sound like a catch at all.

If you don't then when it ends with this new guy guess who she will come crawling back to.

Even if she's not physically cheated either time you can bet your house she's emotionally cheated. Time to kick this waster to the kerb.

You need to get some standards and self respect when it comes to this person. She's playing you for a fool because you let her.

[misterjister]

Get a full check up from a physician to rule out physical or neurochemical problems that you could treat and ask for a referral to a therapist

Thanks Wiseguy. It's been a while since i was here but i remember the brilliant advice you give to everyone and i totally respect you for it.

With regards to the quote- do you think i might be mad or have something wrong with me? I must admit i'm letting this chew me up badly. I've been totally fine until she told me of the holiday with another man. I feel so stupid. We were texting each other how our working days were going, family etc. but she never mentions she's booked a holiday with a man until a couple of days before and then off they go on my birthday - to the same place we've been to twice. So it appears to be on her recommendation and not a coincidence?

Why do i feel like this? Am i being strange or out of order to be pxxd off? What do you think to the repeated insistence this new man is "just a friend"? Honestly she was just kept repeating the same thing like a mantra- but i just felt more insulted each time. Like as if i would believe that. Would any of you ?

I think I would have been more chilled if she said something like "sorry its happened so fast but i've fallen for someone and we're going away".

I just find it all sneaky & sly and it's that what hurts.

[misterjister]

Thanks also Ninjabob.. she was definitely involved with Numero Uno - they were together as FWB or whatever for 6 months. But i forgave...it was so hard going back knowing that she'd been sleeping with someone else for so long - not just a mistake once or twice but for 6-7 months.

I feel like ive gone back in time. It's exactly the same as last time. She started being off - engineered it for me to get upset and leave and then straight into it with a work colleague.

I even said during the final row that i bet youre being like this cos you've got someone else lined up waiting.

Gut feelings man. Always trust them.

[ninjabib]

All the more reason to block and delete her ASAP.

[ninjabib]

Yeah she's a coward in how she acts and triggers breakups to not feel guilty. Another red flag.


If i can be brutally honest it sounds like she fell out of love with you 2 years ago and sees you as a safety net. No matter how badly she behaves or unloving she is, she knows you will be there to try and make it up to her. I think she just makes do with you until she meets someone new and shiny kmowing if it doesn't work out with the new and shiny toy then she can take the old toy out the box again and play with it.


Sorry for the crap analogy but there's nothing left here for you with her.

[Hollyj]

I know it hurts, but you were broken up, she had full right to date others.

This is another greet example why folks should not stay in contact after splitting up. You cannot be friends if there are feeling.

Time to move on.

[misterjister]

I agree fully HollyJ. It's just the underhand, sneakyness that i have a problem with. It's the reason why i'm NC and i know this time its finito.
The other hard part and real shame is that we had 3 dogs. When i left the first time i could only take my eldest one. The other 2 are mum & daughter and they stayed there.
It was great to have them all reunited as i was/am their master and they missed me a lot as they did each other.

The reason for staying friends was they are like our children in a way. So plans were made to stay friends and still go see them / days out perhaps once a month or two. The one ive got is 10 and the eldest with her is 9 so it hurts knowing that they'll never see each other again. I feel real bad about that-

but i am so disgusted that i couldnt even be in the same room as the ex after this has happened now twice with 2 different men within weeks of us splitting up.

Does anyone believe this "just mates" thing ? This new man was never mentioned at all. I've never seen him or spoken to him.

It sounds absurd to me that anyone would just go off on a holiday as soon as becoming single with a man for 10 days to another country and it all be purely innocent and platonic. But she just kept repeating "we're just mates" "he's just a friend" "im just going on holiday with a mate"

[figureitout23]

Will it make it hurt any less if you knew?

Serious question.