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misterjister

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Hello folks

 

This is a bit of a mad one - i'll try and keep it as short as I can whilst explaining and getting stuff off my chest as well (i need to)

 

The same thing has happened to me twice. Original story >> https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=537106

 

So after that happened I was utterly heartbroken. I did everything i could to get her back and i did! We dated Holidays abroad, restaurants, paying for everything (i'd saved up really hard) . I moved back into her home and helped with bills.

 

but after a while i thought hang on i'm not really getting much back is it just me? I took a step back to see if she'd reach out/ask what's wrong? Nothing. I began to sleep on tthe sofa more as she found it hard to sleep with me there and up early for work.

I felt like just a lodger who helped pay the mortgage and bills.

 

The sex dropped off, no effort from her to touch, the conversations and everything just became stale. I felt that i had to instigate everything. I got fed up of it. It was amazing for the first year. We both were so in love. She was really apologetic about what had happened before. (For those who dont have the time to read the link basically she got with a co-worker within weeks of us splitting up - they lasted 6-7 months but were never "serious")

 

We were together again for 2 years - 11 in total.

 

And so

 

I said i'd had enough. We had a daft row about nothing. she says let's sort out plans for me to move out at the end of the month. The tempers got frayed and i said "fck it i'll move out now!". Got all my stuff and left.

 

Are you still with me? OK

 

So after a few days we begin talking and we were ok again. Texting, telephone. We're both in our mid 40's. And we were liking things/comments on Facebook etc.

 

i remark to friends that we've split up but we're still on good terms.

 

>>>>

 

She tells me she's off on hols in a few days. I say where to? It's abroad to a place we visited twice. I then ask who with, is it a man?

 

"Just a mate but yes"

 

"Who is this mate?", i ask. She won't say, it's someone "she's known years but it's nobody i know"

 

hmmm i take a look at her Facebook. I notice the likes dont add up theres a lot of +1 other.

hmmm i remember i have a second account- i look on that one and see the missing "facebook liker". It's someone who started working at her place 2 years ago. He's actually friends also with the bloke she had a relationship with last time too.

 

She's adamant that "he's just a friend" "im just going on holiday with a mate". So i reply with "if just a friend are you saying there's no sexual attraction at all and nothings going to happen?". She refuses to answer.

 

Now don't get me wrong here and this is important. I don't want her back. I did everything to right what i hadnt done the first time.

But we agreed that we'd always be friends and that we'd share what was happening in our lives.

 

I know, i know. We broke up- it's not really any of my business anymore.

 

I'm hurt and upset about the speed of it. I find it hard to beleive that it was just a spur of the moment decision to book a holiday- she completely doesnt do that- everything has to be completely organised etc.

 

My gut instinct tells me that they were getting close for a long time in the staff canteen and started organising a holiday as soon as i was gone. I left a decent job and forced back to my parents whilst saving for somewhere

 

To make it worse they flew out on my birthday. ( and no I didn't get a card or even a text to say happy birthday ;) ).

 

Ive gone NC the last message from her went along the lines of " i havent hurt you intentionally, he is just a friend but i knew you'd be like this. dont want to lose contact with you. We are better than that"

 

What's hurt me is both the speed of this happening - hey i knew it would eventually- but after last time i'd thought she'd have waited a few months at least.

My second problem is "he's just a friend". I feel completely insulted by that for some reason?

 

i dont want her back but i cant help feeling completely betrayed again. It's basically a carbon copy of what happened before. Short turnaround with a work colleague. All i wanted was honesty, respect, and not to be treated like an idot.

 

I know what this "just a friend" will magically turn into and if i had gone along with her BS in a few weeks it would be "he was just a friend and i never planeed it but we are together now"

 

What i want to know is. Do i have a right to be pxxxd off? Does anyone believe that "he's a friend". Am i out of order?

 

I know i have to focus on myself etc. I'm still in shock folks, and i was doing okay about it until i found out about "mate".

 

I just thought i'd share my story with you. Any thoughts would be brilliant.

 

Thanks if you made it

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Sorry this is happening. Make sure all your legal and financial entanglements from living together are finally severed. Unless you both want this move in/out, on/off, cheat/play-games insanity, step out of it for good this time.

 

Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media. When you have gotten rid of any loose ends financially, etc delete and block her from all messaging apps and devices.

 

In the mean time, work on you. Hit the gym, get fit, replace some bad habits with good ones, update your look, hair etc. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer and make some new friends. Get a full check up from a physician to rule out physical or neurochemical problems that you could treat and ask for a referral to a therapist

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Yeah sort out any financial issues properly and legally then block, delete and move on. She doesn't sound like a catch at all.

 

If you don't then when it ends with this new guy guess who she will come crawling back to.

 

Even if she's not physically cheated either time you can bet your house she's emotionally cheated. Time to kick this waster to the kerb.

 

You need to get some standards and self respect when it comes to this person. She's playing you for a fool because you let her.

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Get a full check up from a physician to rule out physical or neurochemical problems that you could treat and ask for a referral to a therapist

 

Thanks Wiseguy. It's been a while since i was here but i remember the brilliant advice you give to everyone and i totally respect you for it.

 

With regards to the quote- do you think i might be mad or have something wrong with me? I must admit i'm letting this chew me up badly. I've been totally fine until she told me of the holiday with another man. I feel so stupid. We were texting each other how our working days were going, family etc. but she never mentions she's booked a holiday with a man until a couple of days before and then off they go on my birthday - to the same place we've been to twice. So it appears to be on her recommendation and not a coincidence?

 

Why do i feel like this? Am i being strange or out of order to be pxxd off? What do you think to the repeated insistence this new man is "just a friend"? Honestly she was just kept repeating the same thing like a mantra- but i just felt more insulted each time. Like as if i would believe that. Would any of you ?

 

I think I would have been more chilled if she said something like "sorry its happened so fast but i've fallen for someone and we're going away".

 

I just find it all sneaky & sly and it's that what hurts.

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Thanks also Ninjabob.. she was definitely involved with Numero Uno - they were together as FWB or whatever for 6 months. But i forgave...it was so hard going back knowing that she'd been sleeping with someone else for so long - not just a mistake once or twice but for 6-7 months.

 

I feel like ive gone back in time. It's exactly the same as last time. She started being off - engineered it for me to get upset and leave and then straight into it with a work colleague.

 

I even said during the final row that i bet youre being like this cos you've got someone else lined up waiting.

 

Gut feelings man. Always trust them.

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Yeah she's a coward in how she acts and triggers breakups to not feel guilty. Another red flag.

 

 

If i can be brutally honest it sounds like she fell out of love with you 2 years ago and sees you as a safety net. No matter how badly she behaves or unloving she is, she knows you will be there to try and make it up to her. I think she just makes do with you until she meets someone new and shiny kmowing if it doesn't work out with the new and shiny toy then she can take the old toy out the box again and play with it.

 

 

Sorry for the crap analogy but there's nothing left here for you with her.

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I agree fully HollyJ. It's just the underhand, sneakyness that i have a problem with. It's the reason why i'm NC and i know this time its finito.

The other hard part and real shame is that we had 3 dogs. When i left the first time i could only take my eldest one. The other 2 are mum & daughter and they stayed there.

It was great to have them all reunited as i was/am their master and they missed me a lot as they did each other.

 

The reason for staying friends was they are like our children in a way. So plans were made to stay friends and still go see them / days out perhaps once a month or two. The one ive got is 10 and the eldest with her is 9 so it hurts knowing that they'll never see each other again. I feel real bad about that-

 

but i am so disgusted that i couldnt even be in the same room as the ex after this has happened now twice with 2 different men within weeks of us splitting up.

 

Does anyone believe this "just mates" thing ? This new man was never mentioned at all. I've never seen him or spoken to him.

 

It sounds absurd to me that anyone would just go off on a holiday as soon as becoming single with a man for 10 days to another country and it all be purely innocent and platonic. But she just kept repeating "we're just mates" "he's just a friend" "im just going on holiday with a mate"

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Your level of frustration over this is an indication of how invested you still are.

 

I know you say you wanted to be friends for all sorts of reasons, but if that were true, who she's sleeping with wouldn't even be blip on your radar.

 

And calling him `just a friend' What she calls him wouldn't matter either. . .if it was just friendship you were interested in.

 

You are entitled to everything you are feeling. I just think you need to be a little more honest with yourself. That might help.

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the last message from her went along the lines of " i havent hurt you intentionally, he is just a friend but i knew you'd be like this. dont want to lose contact with you. We are better than that"

 

Move on. She's a wagon. Want's her cake and to eat it.

Find yourself someone nicer. You seem like a good bloke.

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I agree fully HollyJ. It's just the underhand, sneakyness that i have a problem with. It's the reason why i'm NC and i know this time its finito.

The other hard part and real shame is that we had 3 dogs. When i left the first time i could only take my eldest one. The other 2 are mum & daughter and they stayed there.

It was great to have them all reunited as i was/am their master and they missed me a lot as they did each other.

 

The reason for staying friends was they are like our children in a way. So plans were made to stay friends and still go see them / days out perhaps once a month or two. The one ive got is 10 and the eldest with her is 9 so it hurts knowing that they'll never see each other again. I feel real bad about that-

 

but i am so disgusted that i couldnt even be in the same room as the ex after this has happened now twice with 2 different men within weeks of us splitting up.

 

Does anyone believe this "just mates" thing ? This new man was never mentioned at all. I've never seen him or spoken to him.

 

It sounds absurd to me that anyone would just go off on a holiday as soon as becoming single with a man for 10 days to another country and it all be purely innocent and platonic. But she just kept repeating "we're just mates" "he's just a friend" "im just going on holiday with a mate"

 

The dog bit is tough.

 

I think you would have been equally upset if she had been forthright about this guy. I know it's tough that she moved on so quickly, but I think it's what you needed to move forward.

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i'm taking it all on board folks. i know the score but really appreciate you hammering it home.

 

Her witholding and telling me at the final oppurtunity just a couple of days before the holday booked to depart on my birthday ( when we usually go and she's taken him to the same place 2500 miles away where we usually go too) was through cowardice.

 

And the "just a friend" bullshine is also. But also deliberately justified as a damage limitation excercise in her mind. That just gets me used to the idea. Of course she knows i wouldn't believe they are just friends- nobody i've spoken to about it believes it, and im sure she doesn't either.

 

This is exactly the same thing she did last time. Then he was just a workmate too. Though he was foreign and didnt have many friends so she felt sorry for him. But it was "we're just mates" "its nothing serious" at first then also.

 

After a week or two she then comes back with the coup de grace. "i've met someone sorry x"

 

She justifies it to herself as being kind. It absolves her of guilt.

 

Yet the truth really is what someone said further up. She's just a user who has taken me for a ride whilst waiting to get greenlighted from someone else she's taken a shine too/been chatted up by. Once that happened the the behaviour and attitude towards me increased making it obviously unbearable for me to be there. Problem>Reaction>Solution.

 

Completely planned but done in a way that she can pretend to herself, and new bf if pushed by showing txts between us, that she's completely innocent and has tried to be as kind as possible.

 

I'm saying I will definitely be getting the "we are together now sorry x" text soon. The only thing left is to guess when that will arrive. i'd say probably after they've returned. She won't want to do it whilst on holiday (unless he insists) - and dont forget the new man is friends with the last one she did it with too, they all work together.

 

She actually almost convinced me that it was her who broke it off with the previous boyfriend to get back with me - but i always had my doubts. Because in the "honeymoon phase" she was distant for a few months- but then contact started again- to the point where we were having phone calls for 1 & 2 hours every night with her telling me how she struggles to get on with him, and how we were so much more compatible etc. When really i think he was giving her the elbow after getting what he wannted - sex.

 

 

Tick Tock. I'll just wait for the text confirming they are together next. She'll then tell him/ show it to him and voila the plan is finished and everything "will be above board".

 

It's so predictable and insulting. Gut wrenching stuff when all i asked for, and was promised, was honesty after what happened before.

 

I gave her the benefit of the doubt last time. It was so hard but i did. We're all human and make mistakes.

 

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

 

At least i know what's coming this time and am already processing what a sneaky, sly, piece of work she is. She will make me look like the bad man whilst she'll smelling of roses - when the real truth is its all been planned behind my back whilst we were together.

 

Today's now just turned the 15th October. Holiday 7/10 days. I'm going for somewhere around 21/23rd October when the text comes. I'll keep you posted. I just wish and long for not caring. Ive been had over big time.

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You guys are not together anymore, why are you still agonizing over who she is going on holiday with and whether he is "just a friend" or something more? What difference does it make? The whole Facebook stalking with second accounts, outrage over the holiday, whatever... just comes across obsessive and sad, I'm sorry to be so blunt. She is well within her rights to date other people now that you are broken up, and the fact that you are writing essays venting about it just shows that you are still hung up on her.

 

I have had two occasions where a girl broke up with me and then got together with somebody else in a matter of weeks. One of them probably cheated on me, I will never know for sure... but guess what, I didn't really care either way. If they broke up with me for somebody else that they liked better, then it is well within their right to do so. If they cheated and then broke up with me, then I am glad to be rid of a cheater sooner rather than later. In any case, they could not have loved me very much, so why dwell on somebody who was not all that into me? I have enough self-respect to believe that I deserve better and that what these women did or did not do does not reflect on my value as a man and a human being.

 

I also have an example from the flipped situation. I recently broke up with a very clingy girlfriend. I will probably start going on dates soon, I do not intend to tell her about it, I do not intend to inform her if I have a new girlfriend. It would unnecessarily hurt her, and it is none of her business anymore.

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I think OP is pained in that they (ex and new guy) were getting together while she was treating him poorly and manufacturing the breakup so she could be with this other guy rather than her just being honest and ending it and then seeing how things go with the 2nd new guy.

 

Shes done this because she is a coward who can't be alone with no respect for you OP. I do agree that she's doen you wrong but It really doesn't matter now. It's done with and you should be glad she's gone.

 

You keep asking why she would do this and be dishonest and it's because it is who she is. She's done this to you before but you took her back and acted like YOU owed her for going off with a new man on a 'try before you buy scheme'

 

Shes simply thinking if I can do it once and he will take me back and kiss my backside for doing it then he will do it again if new man doesn't work out.

 

You literally just need to block delete move on and don't look back.

 

No point looking for answers to her motives and behaviours as she has constantly shown she will not be honest with you.

 

I do get where you are coming from and it is frustrating but when all is said and done it's irrelevant as to why and with whom. Be glad it's done and she's gone.

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You are all right to some extent, but Ninjabob *gets* it. It's the manipulation, the sneakiness that i've allowed to get to me. Serious promises were made that have been smashed at the very first oppurtunity. I take the criticisms onboard. I've blasted it all out there to hear others opinions and to help reinforce it in front of my eyes in print. I've done this to try and get it all out of my system as soon as possible with the hope to be free of it all forever.

 

Yeah i will look back at this in time and think how tragic it looks, but when i was writing it and at this moment it's helped. After the first time this happened i had never really experienced pain like it. I was distraught in a way i've only ever been before following a death.

 

I learned a hard lesson back then but this time began emotionally uncoupling months before i came to my senses and threw in the towel.

I was always aware that the same thing could happen again and to prepare myself a little. It's still a kick between the legs I admit to be proven right, but that's just how it is.

 

This time it's more like a common cold as opposed to pneumonia though and i know i'll be fine. Good luck to them I hope they're happy, but i cant stand sneaky liars and i mourn the loss of (whom i thought would always be) a friend.

 

Thanks for your replies x

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