Flirting with married woman - Confusion

[wegotdodgson]

You very much need to talk to your wife. This was the cold wake-up call that your marriage is not in a good place and it's a slippery slope from this to full-blown cheating one of these days.

Would she (and you) be open to marriage couselling?

Time to seek couple's therapy. What you have been doing isn't working and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Blaming her for letting yourself go and for your middle age crisis isn't fair imo. It does sound like your sex drives may be incompatible but letting yourself go is your own fault no matter how you cut it.

Plus, there is nothing respectful about thinking of cheating as a way out of your marriage. You have every right to ask for a divorce but the moment you cheat you loose all rights to talking about "respect" and "love". If you ever loved her and if you want to call yourself a decent man, you should seek couple's therapy as a last effort and if it fails then ask for a divorce. Anything else is lazy and a coward's way out. Your marriage is in serious trouble. Either try one last time to fix it or get out.

P.S. It is unfair to compare your wife to that woman. Rest assured that she told you what you wanted to hear in order to get in your pants. Yet, her lack of integrity is what you would end up with at the end of the day if you were ever to get with her or anyone willing to get with a married man. Actions speak louder that words. She may have told you what you wanted to hear but the words of a cheater mean squat.

Thank you both. This is sound advice and really something that someone like me needs to hear.

I might have given the impression that I've let myself go a bit, but the fact is that I still wear the same size jeans I did ten years ago, although perhaps my chest is not so firm and my belt a litter tighter. It's the small things; I didn't jog as much as I used to, I would go for that dessert after a meal out, I would order that takeaway after a bad week. Rationally speaking, I'm attractive and well built, I just so desperately want to feel it from my wife.

[wegotdodgson]

That's kind of the point of the advice from posters. Stop and either fix his marriage or leave before cheating happens. Feeling so low and then so elated and energized by some married w.. approaching him and whispering sweet nothings in his ear while she strokes him is really but a short step away from full blown cheating. OP needs to work on his self esteem and his marriage or admit that things aren't working out and leave properly before he gets tempted any further. What happened is literally a wake up call and his wife needs to hear it straight up. I think she has the right to know just how far her marriage has sunk and either they both take active steps to salvage things or they need to part ways because it's not working out and long before they damage each other any further with extramarital affairs.

There have been a few responses with suggestions that I might cheat on my wife, following the slippery slope that I have started on. Or that this level of flirting counts as emotional cheating. I’m not going to try and define it, and I’m sure that I have crossed a line, but I know that the last week of sleepless nights and emotional turmoil over someone flirting with me, kind of precludes me from pursuing anything physical. The very thought makes me feel sick.

Conversely, and this is the thing that I can’t shake, because I had momentarily thought about cheating it has made me question my relationship with my wife, a relationship that I had thought was pretty solid.

I just don’t understand it. My wife has never once looked at anyone else, ever. I think she finds me attractive, but I just don’t feel it. She loves sex, I love sex, but it’s never been something that she initiates. It’s not just sex, any form of intimacy is always on my terms, kissing after work, in the morning – nothing. You all might be better people than me, but when you are the only one to make romantic effort in a relationship you are then also the only one that ever gets knocked back, that can only be a hit to your self esteem. Otherwise, I'm a focussed, driven person.

[Clio]

I just don’t understand it. My wife has never once looked at anyone else, ever. I think she finds me attractive, but I just don’t feel it. She loves sex, I love sex, but it’s never been something that she initiates. It’s not just sex, any form of intimacy is always on my terms, kissing after work, in the morning – nothing. You all might be better people than me, but when you are the only one to make romantic effort in a relationship you are then also the only one that ever gets knocked back, that can only be a hit to your self esteem.

You may want to read up on the Five love languages. Google it. It sounds like the way that you need to be loved might not be the way she was taught to show love during her upbringing. Her never initiating is not about how she feels about you, it's probably about the way she was raised and what was considered "proper" regarding expressing intimacy within her family while growing up.

[Wiseman2]

Does the idea of marriage make you feel old and trapped? Why is this happening now?

married for 3.

[DancingFool]

I don’t know why I didn’t mention it, but I share everything with my wife. I cannot think of one secret that we have ever had between us. I have told her every time someone has flirted with me and every time I have enjoyed it, leaving out any upsetting details. She understands my reasons for the way I feel and wants to work on them, but I have long since lost all hope of any permanent improvement.

There have been a few responses with suggestions that I might cheat on my wife, following the slippery slope that I have started on. Or that this level of flirting counts as emotional cheating. I’m not going to try and define it, and I’m sure that I have crossed a line, but I know that the last week of sleepless nights and emotional turmoil over someone flirting with me, kind of precludes me from pursuing anything physical. The very thought makes me feel sick.

Conversely, and this is the thing that I can’t shake, because I had momentarily thought about cheating it has made me question my relationship with my wife, a relationship that I had thought was pretty solid.

I just don’t understand it. My wife has never once looked at anyone else, ever. I think she finds me attractive, but I just don’t feel it. She loves sex, I love sex, but it’s never been something that she initiates. It’s not just sex, any form of intimacy is always on my terms, kissing after work, in the morning – nothing. You all might be better people than me, but when you are the only one to make romantic effort in a relationship you are then also the only one that ever gets knocked back, that can only be a hit to your self esteem. Otherwise, I'm a focussed, driven person.

It's great that you are each other's best friend - good marriages work that way for sure. However, what's in bold....sounds more like detrimental TMI than being open and honest with each other. What purpose does it serve to tell your wife that you are enjoying the flirtations of other women? I know I said that you need to tell her bluntly what occurred due to the sexual problems you are having, but if you've been just sharing this sort of information with her over the general course of your relationship, I can see how she may be completely turned off and emotionally distanced when it comes to intimacy. There is a big difference between this one even t happened and it shook me and you need to know how bad things are between us v. oh hey I just get all tingly when other women are flirting with me. Does that make sense?

Second thing that's becoming a bit confusing initially I think you said that you barely have sex once a month or less and she rejects your advances otherwise. Now you are implying that your only issue is that she doesn't come on to you. So which is it? Because these are two completely different issues.

If you want to fix your problems, you've got to be both, completely honest with yourself and also clear what the real issue is. No changing, no whitewashing, no getting defensive, etc. because that will not help your marriage.

The other suggestion is rather than telling her what you need, ask her why she isn't interested and listen carefully, especially if she tells you things you don't want to hear. Ask her to be brutally honest with you and really mean it.

[wegotdodgson]

Does the idea of marriage make you feel old and trapped? Why is this happening now?

Well, yes, this last week. Because I was happier thinking that that was all I was going to get from my life, that married people just lose intimacy, that it happens to everyone. It's a cliche you hear often enough, I just didn't think it would happen to me.

[wegotdodgson]

It's great that you are each other's best friend - good marriages work that way for sure. However, what's in bold....sounds more like detrimental TMI than being open and honest with each other. What purpose does it serve to tell your wife that you are enjoying the flirtations of other women? I know I said that you need to tell her bluntly what occurred due to the sexual problems you are having, but if you've been just sharing this sort of information with her over the general course of your relationship, I can see how she may be completely turned off and emotionally distanced when it comes to intimacy. There is a big difference between this one even t happened and it shook me and you need to know how bad things are between us v. oh hey I just get all tingly when other women are flirting with me. Does that make sense?

Second thing that's becoming a bit confusing initially I think you said that you barely have sex once a month or less and she rejects your advances otherwise. Now you are implying that your only issue is that she doesn't come on to you. So which is it? Because these are two completely different issues.

If you want to fix your problems, you've got to be both, completely honest with yourself and also clear what the real issue is. No changing, no whitewashing, no getting defensive, etc. because that will not help your marriage.

The other suggestion is rather than telling her what you need, ask her why she isn't interested and listen carefully, especially if she tells you things you don't want to hear. Ask her to be brutally honest with you and really mean it.

I see what you mean, but there have been maybe three such instances over 10 years, so it's not a regular thing by any stretch. I see people checking out my wife all the time but she rarely realises it, but if she did have someone come on to her I'd want her to feel she could tell me. In fact she did have a colleague come onto her about 5 years ago (the 'I don't mind that you have a husband' type), she told me about it and, to be honest, we both just took it as a compliment.

It's both things. We have sex once a month, but only because I've done everything to make it happen. I would like sex more often, I have no idea what is 'normal' or average, but twice a week, hell once a week would be an improvement. I'd also like it so that it wasn't always me trying to keep the romance alive (and getting shrugged off). That never feels good.

I'll give it all some more thought and have another chat with her.

[tattoobunnie]

As unromantic as this may sound; schedule in sex. Pick one day a week and time, and just do it, no matter what you two have going on. I mean, add it to your Outlook calendars, or whatever app you have. And you are not her counselor. Tell her venting for an hour each day is not going to help. Tell her she has 10 minutes to get on her soapbox, and then, you both go exercise together. Get the blood flowing to your nether regions. Even like a walk outside while holding hands.

Get the Cosmo Kama Sutra book, and do one new position in there each time.

Sex is like glue for a marriage, and grease for your relationship, you need to regular tune your bodies up to get into the swing of things.

And go on weekend trips to bed and breakfasts. Or somewhere tropical if you can. I don't care how cheesy; do it! Then add in some adrenaline moving things like zip-lining, riding ATVs, jet-skiing, snorkeling, etc.

You cannot keep doing the same things over and over, and expect different results. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DancingFool]

I see what you mean, but there have been maybe three such instances over 10 years, so it's not a regular thing by any stretch. I see people checking out my wife all the time but she rarely realises it, but if she did have someone come on to her I'd want her to feel she could tell me. In fact she did have a colleague come onto her about 5 years ago (the 'I don't mind that you have a husband' type), she told me about it and, to be honest, we both just took it as a compliment.

It's both things. We have sex once a month, but only because I've done everything to make it happen. I would like sex more often, I have no idea what is 'normal' or average, but twice a week, hell once a week would be an improvement. I'd also like it so that it wasn't always me trying to keep the romance alive (and getting shrugged off). That never feels good.

I'll give it all some more thought and have another chat with her.

I see, well that makes sense then.

So since you've already tried telling her what you need and it hasn't really worked, I'd still say, ask her what's up with her and why she isn't interested. I mean it could be so many things like stress, some kind of suppressed resentments, even some health issues she might not be aware of, whatever birth control she is on can cause this as it alters hormones. The problem with someone having a low libido is that they don't feel like they are missing something and it's difficult for them to understand that their partner is suffering because they just aren't feeling that need. What I'm saying is that it isn't necessarily intentional or malignant, just a personal lack of awareness on a fundamental level. It's like you complain, they care and hear you, but even if they try to be better for a bit, that drive just isn't present, so they fall off the wagon without actually meaning to. That doesn't mean that you have to continue to suffer in silence or feel lonely in a marriage.

I think it's a combination of both, you need to ask her about what's her deal and also get much much more assertive that this is a very serious problem for you and for your marriage and she needs to get that message loud and clear. My impression is still that her complacency needs to get shaken up a bit, that you tend to tip toe around the issue too much, so you never get results because it kind of goes over her head a bit like just a bit of nagging. You'll nag and then life returns to normal from her perspective.....but it can't continue like that. Fire both shots and see what happens. You really don't have much to loose here from the sounds of it.

[Skeptic76]

I don’t give advice but I’ll share my experience And who knows but maybe it will add to your perspective: I left a woman I loved, and who truly loved me for fear I might cheat on her. Similar circumstances: sex was great *when it happened* but wasn’t getting enough to really satisfy me.

Now that I broke up with her I wish I could go back in time. If I knew then what I know now, lol. I guess at my stage of life (I’m 43) I just discovered how much of a higher value I place on love and a good companion over sex. Porn and fidelity over lost love and meaningless sex any day of the week my dude. That’s how I see it today.