Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 30

Thread: Flirting with married woman - Confusion

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,890
    Gender
    Female
    No one has cheated, Yet!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,018
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    No one has cheated, Yet!
    That's kind of the point of the advice from posters. Stop and either fix his marriage or leave before cheating happens. Feeling so low and then so elated and energized by some married w.. approaching him and whispering sweet nothings in his ear while she strokes him is really but a short step away from full blown cheating. OP needs to work on his self esteem and his marriage or admit that things aren't working out and leave properly before he gets tempted any further. What happened is literally a wake up call and his wife needs to hear it straight up. I think she has the right to know just how far her marriage has sunk and either they both take active steps to salvage things or they need to part ways because it's not working out and long before they damage each other any further with extramarital affairs.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,890
    Gender
    Female
    I'm addressing the quote "The words of a cheater mean squat." No one has cheated yet.

    I agree that he needs to talk to his wife about what is missing and gave the advice to do just that in post #2.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,532
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I'm addressing the quote "The words of a cheater mean squat." No one has cheated yet.
    Depends how you define cheating. A married woman hitting on another man, calling him sexy yadda, yadda and touching him in a sexually suggestive way displays cheating behaviour imo. If you define cheating as sex acts only and would be ok with your significant other pulling such crap then sure, by your definition no one has cheated.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Thank you for all of the responses, I have read them all many times now. I think this is a really perceptive forum, picking up on things that I maybe didnít want to admit to myself. I expected, perhaps wanted, righteous condemnation of my actions, but your advice has gone further than that. You have all taken the time to write down your thoughts and I would like to extend the courtesy of a response to all of you. But first I wanted to add some further detail as when I posted yesterday and I was waiting for it to be approved, I felt that what I had written concentrated on the negative aspects of my relationship, only the aspects that I was having a problem with.

    I have had three happy years of marriage to what is my absolute best friend. The person in the whole world that knows me best, far more so than family or life-long school friends. Iím certain that she feels the same way. However it does also occur to me that Ďbest friendí is an apt description of our relationship in other ways, as most weeks there is almost no intimacy, just support and companionship.

    I donít know why I didnít mention it, but I share everything with my wife. I cannot think of one secret that we have ever had between us. I have told her every time someone has flirted with me and every time I have enjoyed it, leaving out any upsetting details. She understands my reasons for the way I feel and wants to work on them, but I have long since lost all hope of any permanent improvement.

    Anyway, Iíll respond to your more specific suggestions and thoughts now.

  7. #16
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You were flattered, who wouldn't be so don't be so hard on yourself. Now, the thing to do is never be alone with that particular "friend" again. Keep it real, *Wegotdodgson*

    I think you should tell your wife that she came onto you and how flattered you were with that attention, tell her that you miss that shot of adrenalin that she raised up in you and that you miss getting that kind of attention from her (your wife). Suggest going to a marriage counselor or a sex counselor to get back the passion you've BOTH let dwindle. You are taking each other for granted now and that is what is leading to the lack of passion in your bond.

    You love and respect one another so this can certainly be saved and I am going to assume that you have enough integrity not to let that adrenalin rush lead you down the wrong path. If you feel guilty over simple flirting then you will devastate yourself if cave to your lust over said flirting.

    I won't advise you to leave her until you've done everything you can to get back the passion and a professional therapist (sex or marital) will give you some tools to get you back where you once were with each other.

    Good luck.
    Thank you for your comments, they reflect what I would like to feel. I should have mentioned it, but I did confess the flirting with my with (and how it made me feel). We had the same rational discussion that we had dozens of times before and I guess that it why I don't believe that lasting change will happen.

    There have been a few suggestions to pursue couples counselling. As a reserved Englishman not used to discussing feelings the notion is seriously uncomfortable to me and I think it would be for my wife too. I'm not even sure if such services exist local to me, but I want to make things work so will look into this some more, thank you.

  8. #17
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    First thing is you do need to distance yourself from these so called friends. This friend's wife just basically showed you that she is a w.... and that's not pretty, not attractive, not actually flattering to you. Cheating is a line you do not want to cross because it won't be just your own guilt, but all kinds of harsh consequences and society at large looking at you and judging as less than human. If your self esteem is low now, it will sink further complete with self loathing.

    That said, it is a wake up call for you just how far your marriage has gone down the drain. So what is my advice on that? I think you need to show your wife this post and wake her up out of her complacency. It sounds like you've become comfortable roommates and she is taking your passivity for granted. Like sure, you'll try and complain a bit here and there, but in the end, you'll just shut up and put up and tip toe around her. She needs to get shaken out of that with a brutally honest and blunt message from you that her marriage is actually on the line and put in those words. I also think you two need to find some mutual hobbies. It's good to have separate interests, but it's important to have at least one or two things in common that is "your thing" as a couple. Work on that.

    If the above doesn't work, then I'm sorry but you need to file for a divorce before you get branded as a cheating low life. Yes, there is life after divorce. That said, nobody is responsible for your self esteem but you. Your wife isn't actually making you feel insecure. Undesired and hungry for human contact, sure, but insecure and feeling low about yourself, that part is purely on you. If you feel insecure, you need to fix that without relying on other people to make you feel good about you.
    I'm not sure of the 'w...' reference, but I'll assume it's not flattering! You are absolutely right and on considering the matter further I think this woman's flirting was a statement on her own marriage, rather than anything else. Thank you for your rational thoughts on cheating, I shall try to bear than in mind when my pants are trying to wrestle decision making control from my brain. The notion of physical cheating does indeed make me feel sick.

    Your comments on our marriage are hard to hear, and my natural reaction is to defend it and to defend my wife. The reality is probably closer to your words than I care to admit. I think I do need to take this whole incident as a wake up call.

  9. #18
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I agree with the others advise. Share this with your wife.
    Originally Posted by MurphyB
    Agree with other posters. Speak to your wife. Marriage is tough. It takes open communication and a willingness to work on it when things aren't going so well.

    10 years is a long time together, it's normal to get a bit bored of each other/sex life diminishing.

    Best of luck.
    Thank you both. At the risk of sounding like a complete douche, I feel that we are at the stage where other people are having kids in their relationships and that gives them a shared goal and purpose. Having a family can maybe 'paper over the cracks' when there are other issues in a marriage. We don't have that (we don't want it), and so to me at least, these issues are always on my mind.

  10. #19
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree with Dancing Fool. Something stuck out to me from the beginning of your post - you write "She has a stressful job, so I provide a lot of the emotional support for that". I'm really surprised that you would evaluate who provides "more" emotional support -as if it's a known quantity, as if there's some sort of keeping score. Are you referring to actions you do to provide support that take time -like does she ask you for an hour long massage every day while she vents - are you supposed to be on call to take calls/texts from her venting about work? I really don't get it. I would think that in a serious friendship, romantic relationship or marriage that both people involved would have times they need more support from the other and that if it's so imbalanced so that it's all one sided -- all the time --- that would clearly not be a healthful relationship. But the way you put it - it's as if you're analyzing your interactions and quantifying it in what comes across as odd and concerning. And she is an adult. So if her job is really stressful AND she wants to keep the job then as an adult she has to behave in a reasonably mature way, not subject you to all her venting -either find others to vent to or other outlets like cardio or angry cleaning.

    At some point you two had enough in common to fall in love and get married. Was she interested in your interests and no longer or is it now just bothering you.

    I do wish you the best and I think you have some great input here on the "affair" related issues from the other posters.
    It's strange that you should pick up on what I thought was a throwaway comment. We both had difficult jobs, and having a supportive partner is a good way of dealing with the stress that that can generate. I pursued a career change to remove this source of stress from my life and it has been a great success, my wife is still in the same stressful career though, and for an hour or so after work, every day, I am her counsellor. I don't complain, that's what a supportive relationship is about. I don't keep tabs, I certainly don't point score, but it is undoubtedly one sided. She appreciates the support though, and that's good enough for me.

    I think it is probably particularly perceptive that you have picked up on this as it is also one of the reasons often quoted by my wife for a lack of intimacy. There's no kiss after coming in from work as she needs to 'off load', there is no time for sex, she is too stressed to relax etc.

    I wrote the comments about my interests as it was on my mind. I feel now that they are probably a bit immature. A lot immature, actually. My interests just happen to be things that some women find attractive, just not my wife. So what if I look like Steve McQueen on a motorbike, my wife likes me for me, not for any particular look or hobby. I shall work on finding a shared interest, beyond a couple of holidays every year.

  11. #20
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately it sounds like one of your tattoo ticking drinking buddies will end up in an affair with you. You are setting the table rather well for that. She will tell you her husband is boring like roommates, etc and you will tell her your wife is cold and doesn't share your passion, etc. and soon you'll be at the front desk of the local hourly motel. That's how it happens and you already know this. Stop blaming your wife. If you wanted to improve your marriage you would be in marital therapy, not bars.
    Your thoughts have conjured up such mixed emotions I am not sure what to make of them. I am not sure if this is some sort of reverse psychology or just a jaded response to an issue that you have encountered many times on this forum. Maybe you are right, by having such thoughts it is now inevitable, but I'd like to think that by reaching out to someone that I don't want it to happen.

    I have now mentioned it in other responses, but the counselling is something that I will look into, although my gut reaction is that it is not for us. That could be a cultural thing, as I think counselling is more prevalent in the USA. I am not scouting bars to flirt, I was going out with joint friends, friends that my wife has seen without me. I had not even considered when I went out that night that these these issues and feelings would arise.

    The mature response to my thoughts is indeed to blame myself, not my wife, so I'll think about that some more.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •