Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 37

Thread: Amazing relationship but she's not as turned on by me sexually as other guys

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    23

    Amazing relationship but she's not as turned on by me sexually as other guys

    Hello,
    My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship and I've just proposed to her a week ago and she's beyond excited. She's 45 and has been a free spirit her whole life and has had 3 other guys propose to her and she broke it off with them early on and has never been married. We have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a month and she says she's never missed any of her other boyfriends she's had a relationship with except for me and it's a totally different experience for her and she's actually surprised by it. She also is surprised at her reaction to the thought of being married. She's been looking at wedding dresses, planning the wedding almost immediately, planning taking pictures and everything. I was shocked too about her reaction- we both are. She's been so independent her whole life this seems completely out of character for her but it feels amazing that she feels that way about me.

    My only concern about this relationship is the sex feels very vanilla at times and sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. I'm used to having very passionate sexual relationships with my partners and have been very flattered how much they have liked having sex with me. I hate to say it but early on in our relationship, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me. I think is very common. Many people had ex's that they were sexually more attracted to than the person who they chose to marry. I get this but it tears me apart sometimes and it really hurts. We do have great sex but I feel like she's not turned on as much as she could be and it's an attraction thing. I know she's crazy about me in all other ways but I wish "I did it" for her like this other guy.

    I don't know how to navigate these feelings without causing stress between us.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,273
    I am curious how the sex is great if you also describe it as very "vanilla"?

    The fact that she actually told another guy he turns her on more than you was a red flag. How long have you been together?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,465
    Gender
    Male
    I kind of see a few things going on here.

    First off, it seems that you are the the one—or at least one of the ones—who is not satisfied sexually. Fine, but better to own that than to project it onto her. Secondly, was the text exchange you snooped on recent—like, was she texting with an ex and actually comparing him to you? Or did you snoop back to old texts between them from before she knew you existed?

    If it was the former—well, I'm not quite sure why you're engaged to someone who was texting that sort of thing with an ex while being with you. And if it was the latter—well, then I'd suggest you do what you need to do (therapy, pushups, your call) to temper that jealous, possessive streak because it's not going to do you favors in marriage.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    5,994
    Gender
    Female
    She may be in or starting menopause, given that she is 45. That time of life can mess with a woman's hormones and maybe that has something to do with how she is feeling. You blew it by snooping and hopefully you dont do that again.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,773
    It's a weird situation.

    She's 45, never married even though she's been proposed to. She wants these men badly in bed, but not as a husband. But she's also the one that chose them.
    I would wonder how stable she is.
    What in the heck is she texting an ex for anyhow?

    I dunno, cainsim, these seem like pretty big red flags to me.

    I hope you don't end up being the roommate/husband type while she runs around with other men behind your back.
    Something tells me her not being married and her past relationships not working out, has more to do with what kind of person she is.

    Even if the guys were losers, they're still the ones she chose to be with and is still in contact with.

    As for looking at her texts, I have no qualms with doing that. People have to make sure what they're getting into, especially when it comes to marriage.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    23
    Well - most of that text exchange I snooped on was before we got together. The part where she admitted she was more turned on by him than me was right when she was telling him that she didn't want to to hang out with him because she wanted to date me and wanted a real relationship. She never said anything like that to him since we've been dating and she stopped talking to him altogether a few months after we started dating and he got the picture and hit the road for good.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    23
    You can have pretty vanilla sex and it be great. And it's very loving sex and she often tells me she loves me when we're in the middle of having sex. Sometimes, i would like to have some crazier kinkier sex though. The funny thing about that guy too was he had a small and came in about 30 seconds but I still get the feeling there was a lot of sexual chemistry there.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,773
    Well - most of that text exchange I snooped on was before we got together.
    That's just messed up. You have no right to go into random people's things.

    A woman you're thinking or marrying, okay, that on some level makes sense.

    A woman you aren't even dating? No...you had no right.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,465
    Gender
    Male
    I don't quite know what to say.

    From where I sit the big red flag here is you—that you've chosen to keep proceeding with someone you don't trust and have built a marriage-bound union on a foundation of distrust. I mean, she's not in touch with this guy, explicitly told him that she was interested in exploring you, and you only. Which she has. To the point where she is now engaged to marry you and hasn't talked with him in...months? Years? How long ago was all this?

    Regardless, you kind of can't ask for better stuff to find if you're choosing to violate someone's privacy in order to have a sense of control over a relationship.

    In ways, I'd say you got exactly what you wanted from snooping: a scab to pick and pick, and picking that scab is now baked into this romantic dynamic. That's the stuff that's worth examining in therapy—the place where paranoia, control, and low self-esteem leads you to make questionable choices, be it snooping or investing in people you're incapable of trusting. Can you do that while also jogging down the path toward nuptials? It's a tightrope walk, for sure, a tricky needle to thread, but if you'd like to have a happy marriage and to be, you know, a more respectful human being I'd say give it a go.

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am adamantly against snooping. It is automatic breakup territory for me—cord cut, no conversation to be had. I don't think anything good as ever come out of it in modern history: it's a choice fueled by neurosis that does nothing but validate neurosis—and there is nothing quite like neurosis to put a damper on sex and intimacy. You want things kinkier? Well, that's easy. Be kinkier, talk about kink. But to go there you need trust, a missing ingredient here. The piece of your brain obsessed with Mr. 30 Seconds is the same piece of your brain needed to connect with her in the way you crave.

    I think you kind of shot yourself in your foot by that early snooping. You neutered yourself a bit, closed off some avenues toward building intimacy with her because you chose control over vulnerability, and now, with marriage looming, you're frustrated by all that. Can't blame you, but this is self-created. I say own that and work to untangle the knot, since she deserves a parter who can accept her for who she is and where she's been. If you can't be that man, I'd rethink things with her.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    23
    I looked at her texts a few months after we started dating and were very serious about each other. She was writing those things before we got together. I didn't see them until months later.

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •