I'm going to say she's the type that likes the thrill of the chase and the newness of a relationship. My friend dated a guy that was like this and he openly admitted he loses interest after about 3 or 4 months. No one, not even you can keep this free spirit of a woman for yourself. Sounds like you will have to let her flutter away.
I don't know why you keep bringing up sex with other partners. That's pretty discouraging if I'm reading it from a woman's perspective and putting myself in your partner's shoes. Frankly, I don't think you should get married to anyone. Figure out your issues with your sex life and feelings of dysfunction and sadness/whatever you feel you're missing out in your current relationship. Free spirit or not, no person deserves to be married to another person who's thinking how they had it better in previous relationships.
I don't think this woman is for you. She's probably hot, sexy, 'free spirit'-ed (something that makes you horny?) but whatever she is, she's just not enough. Don't marry her. Take your time dating and see where this goes (provided she sticks around after that).
Rose Mosse - so if you were in a relationship with a guy and you knew he was way more attracted sexually to one of his ex's, you'd feel good about that?
I'm not answering for Rose, but observing what I see in you asking this question:Originally Posted by cainsim74
You don't "know" this. Your girlfriend is not repeatedly whispering in your ear that she is more attracted to anyone more than she is you, or giving you any reason to believe that. You are whispering that in your ear. You spied on her, because you don't trust her, don't trust your own sexual voodoo while also measuring the quality of your manhood and romances solely in sexual voodoo—and that measuring stick has emotionally castrated you, to the detriment of this relationship.
For some reason—this is for the therapists—you are drawn to a woman who makes you feel insecure, less of a man. That is not her doing, but a form of validation you are hardwired to seek: you like feeling "less than" so you can prove that you are "more than." Problem with all that? You are missing out of the fun of actually connecting with another person because you are using another person as mirror: from one angle the image of yourself reflecting back is of Stud You, from another it's Vanilla You, but mainly it's all You Not Being Him. You are making her personhood—past, present, a future—a verdict on you rather than something you can cherish and respect.
She is, at present, either too much for you or not enough—it's kind of hard to tell. Maybe both. But a good match for marriage? Hard to see that. With a good match you don't spiral into paranoid wormholes because you feel secure in your own skin, what you offer, and secure that someone appreciates that. You feel, in ways, the opposite of how you feel right now, and you celebrate that feeling by saying "Will you marry me?" rather than asking the question in hopes the icky feelings dissolve.
I literally can't imagine even having such thoughts, let alone making them part of the fabric of a romance, a marriage. I'm an adult, like you, who dates adults. That means the women I meet have experiences with men who are not me: ecstatic experiences in love, in sex, in life that have nothing to do with me. Great. And also: whatever. That's their past. I'm their present. If I can't be present inside my spirit and body alongside them, it means I'm dating the wrong person, incapable of respecting both her and myself as needed. Simple math. You're working with math that doesn't add up to anything but a swollen ego, a mental volley of disrespect, and an outsized obsession with sex.
Take a deep breath. Do what you need to do to get your head on straight so the head between your legs isn't gasping for air. If you can feel good and calm and secure alongside her—great. That's the stuff to say "I do" to. If you can't—well, also great. Means you're meant to say "I do" to someone else.
bluecastle - Thanks for your great reply. I will completely admit I have a paranoid streak and I really should pay attention to all the positive things she's been saying about our relationship and seeing how excited she is about us getting married. I came here in hopes that I would look like my anxiety was getting the best of me and I really thank you all for confirming that. We all have our demons and I'm not going to pretend I don't have any because clearly I do.
Well, what I'd be paying attention to is that "paranoid streak" as well as how it plays out in your thoughts about sex. It's not quite about pushing that aside by focusing on the positive things she's saying, but confronting that inside yourself so you don't have to make focusing on the positive a chore, but can simply absorb her, and what you have together, organically, in order to determine if it's enough to feel positive.
By the way you described her—free-spirited, etc.—I get the impression that she kind of triggers that paranoid streak in a way you both like and hate. That's the issue here, you see? Whoever she is with—and certainly whoever she marries—should just see her as her, a person, not a threat. If somehow you "need" a woman to be threatening in order to be attracted to her—well, that's another thing to explore. Ditto if you find some kind of solace in intimidating someone—in needing to be, say, bigger and better than some other dude from some other time.
I hate feeling anxious. I love feeling excited. The two things can be related, but there's a difference: the former is draining, while the latter is enriching, even calming. I get the sense that you are a little self-conditioned to find excitement through anxiety, and until those loops are untangled you're giving yourself permission to indulge in that paranoid streak, to the peril of your connections and the people you are connecting with.
I've been with women who, for whatever reason, make me nervous. I'm talking hours, maybe a few weeks, because I process "nervous" as "bad match" not as "thing to conquer." It's an impediment to the thrill I seek: a secure world in which to get wild by sharing myself with another. The minute I even wonder who someone is texting, say, is the minute I have steered off the highway of who I want to be in romance, so it doesn't even matter if she's texting her accountant or an ex. And if for whatever reason I am too nervous to ask about the texting in a constructive manner—well, ditto. I don't want to be either of those guys. They're fun house mirrors of myself, so anyone who validates them through love is going to be a fun house version of a person instead of a person person. And you can only have so much fun inside a fun house.
In your case your response to these feelings seems quite different. This is something to take seriously, for yourself, so you can be more of the kind of man you want to be on the planet—and, by extension, in love and romance.
Um, it is pretty simple. Do not get married to anyone who is not into sexually. ESPECIALLY someone who admits to finding others more of a turn on than yourself.
The honeymoon or engagement phase is supposed to be a time of higher excitement than after years of marriage. It does not improve if it is not there.
Do yourself a favor and disengage from her literally. Move on.
A big fancy wedding is not going to quell your sexual insecurities. Is she much younger or more attractive than you? Keep in mind while you're still paying off the wedding, she may already be fantasizing about other more sexually secure and sexually satisfying men. A trip to a doctor and therapist would solve a lot more problems than a wedding and be a heck of a lot less expensive. Think about it.Originally Posted by cainsim74
I think I'm going to have to figure this one out on my own. Thanks for everyone's input on this. Lots of food for thought.
Hello cainsim, here are my thoughts fwiw.
Sexuality is so complex, so fluid and unique to all of us, at different times with different people. This is just my opinion based on my own experience and what I’ve read in books and articles but often times the passion and crazy psycho sex (such that you’re referring to cainsim) is based not on love, but on longing.
Love is cherishing what you do have, longing is craving what you don’t have, and that craving feeling comes from anxiety, uncertainty and insecurity. Not warmth, caring, security and that special feeling you have for your partner when in love or falling in love such that you are experiencing now with your current girlfriend.
You posted your ex mentioned something to her ex, the ex she apparently was more attracted to than she is to you, that she is ready for a “real” relationship. This leads to believe that what she had with him, and perhaps other men, was not a relationship at all, but rather a casual dating experience where she was left with a lot of uncertainty, a lot of distance (emotional and physical), a lot of craving, a lot of longing!
Yes of course she felt she was more sexually attracted to him, she didn’t “have” him! The majority of her time was spent longing for him and craving him. Fantasizing about him. That's my guess anyway based on what you posted.
With you, it’s quite different. She feels secure with you, cared for, loved, no doubt special, there is no longing, uncertainty, insecurity or craving so naturally the sex is going to be different with you - calmer, less exciting perhaps (in your eyes), less "psycho," but awesome nonetheless and special in its own uniqueness.
So it’s really a trade off. What do you want, what’s more important to you? That crazy, passionate psycho sex, based on longing, uncertainty and anxiety you had with your ex OR a calmer and more peaceful way of expressing your sexuality with your current girlfriend.
It’s your choice, you cannot have both, NOT possible. We are not robots that can be "programmed" into having kinky hot sex just because it's what we prefer. It's certainly nothing that can be forced or manufactured by mere virtue it's what we want.
Unless one is so detached from their emotions, themselves and their partner, but I have not found that to be true in very many cases.
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