bluecastle - you're exactly right - I need to really evaluate why I was snooping and what kind of person I am. I will admit we were going through a sudden rough patch where it went from a very intense beginning and I felt like she started losing interest and I freaked out and checked her texts. You're right though - I am really ed up for doing that.
One doesn’t snoop just for the sake of snooping.I hate to say it but early on in our relationship, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me.
There’s usually a lack of trust in the relationship that is driving that behavior. I’m curious to know what drove you to snoop?
If that’s true, you “feeling she was way more attracted sexually to him than you” is an irrational thought and one that is not based on reality.She never said anything like that to him since we've been dating and she stopped talking to him altogether a few months after we started dating and he got the picture and hit the road for good.
Has anything similar happened to you in past relationships with other women?
PS. This topic subject is fairly common. There's an episode from Friends that touches on it (I’m not sure if it’s against forum rules to post YouTube links but it’s called “Monica and Richard I love you too - Ross and Rachel about Animal Sex”).
How long have you been dating?
To echo Holly and myself form my first post here, how long have you been together?
You say you want to try kinkier things in bed - have you have a conversation with her about it?
Dating 30 or so days or long distance for a month? How often have you seen each other in person? This is far from an 'amazing relationship".
You're not sexually compatible, you snoop on through her phone, you're intimidated by her past, you can't let go of your own past conquest fantasies, etc.
Do either of you have sexual dysfunction? Or infidelity issues in the past? It sounds like you live in the past sexually, when things were working better for you and you're very insecure about your sexuality now, hence the snooping. There is also a bizarre logic that getting married kills sexuality and you're not supposed to be sexually attracted to whomever you marry. Madonna-prostitute complex?
Unfortunately this has disaster written all over it. Why get married? Figure out your sexual compatibility first, no? Also get to a doctor for a physical. That may help you deal with your sexuality issues better than snooping or sham marriages.Originally Posted by cainsim74
We've been dating almost a year and we have spent an amazing amount of quality time together and have been through a lot together. Her family loves me and they love the fact that I proposed to her. Again the sex is really good - just a little tame at times and it's usually very loving and she says the "L" word when we have it a lot. I know she's not a cheater and she cut off all contact with him months ago and a majority of the contact she had with him was telling him how happy she was being in a real relationship. I have more sexual energy and stamina than I ever had and I've been surprising woman lately given my age. A couple of months after we started dating she went through an incredibly stressful time in her life and almost went bankrupt and finally had to move because of it in August. When the stressful time started happening, I kind of freaked out because I thought she was losing interest in me and that's when I snooped. I feel terrible about it and haven't done it since. I know it's unrealistic to think every married couple says they were more attracted to each other sexually than any other relationship they've been in. Some of the best sex I've had was in the most dysfunctional relationships. A big part of this is my ego saying I want to be the best she's ever experienced and I know that I'm not. That's not saying I'm bad at pleasing her either. I'm jealous of the passion they had.
If you plan on going through with things, start counseling now. Start by yourself to address the "best sex is in dysfunctional relationships" mindset, snooping, insecurity and other baggage you need to clear out.
After you say "I do" a whole bunch of laws go into effect and it can get very expensive and heart-wrenching to say "I undo". Premarital counseling is a must in your case because of very poor levels of trust, very poor stress coping skills, deficient honest communication, and add to that mix sexual insecurity and incompatibility - a recipe for disaster.Originally Posted by cainsim74
I think it's extremely common for people often to have amazing sex with people they aren't compatible with. I hear that so often it's ridiculous. Is that really a red flag?
I agree. 'They' often say the sex is best with the bad ones.Originally Posted by cainsim74
I've found in my life the best sex I have had is with men who treated me like crap and were somewhat mad.
Hopefully some will say the same for me (LOL) ;)
Agree with Wiseman.
You've got two things swirling around in your mind that are inhibiting you from deeper intimacy, emotional and physical. One is your ego: too big, too bruised, which I'd say was a preexisting condition before you met her; rather than inhabiting your sexual self with confidence, you seem to need it validated by a woman, to be "the best ever" instead of the really sweet thing that is just you. And the other (linked) is a pretty juvenile idea about "the best" requiring a level of dysfunction.
Sex is...just sex. It can be wild and consuming in all sorts of scenarios—with the emotionally unhinged painter you meet in the dive bar, and turn a one night stand into a dizzying year that feels like living inside a time bomb; with the put together civil rights lawyer you meet at the protest, get to know slowly, go on to marry and have a functional relationship with. It can also be vanilla, or downright boring, in those scenarios. It is, again, just sex.
Do you think, sexually, you've bee "settling" a bit with her? I mean, that feels like the subtext here: that you're not quite clicking, and projecting that onto her, onto the little scraps you found in your misguided detective work.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote