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Thread: feelings for my husbands brother

  1. #1

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    feelings for my husbands brother

    Hi, please don't judge me...let me start all of this by acknowledging how wrong I know this is. I am not looking to be told how wrong it is... I know how wrong it is. I am really just needing a release because there is absolutely no one in my real life that I can talk to this about. I need to get these feelings off my chest and maybe it will help me move on and forward.

    I have intense feelings for my husbands brother. Typing that....reading that....thinking that out loud freaks me out. I've known (we will call him S) for the same amount of years as my H. We all started out friends, so I was always friends with S and we are talking since high school. My H (bf at the time) always thought I had a thing for S just because we were friends and hung out a lot. There was never anything between us and I never looked at him that way...until recent years...the older we've all got and maybe my husband sensed something I never knew was there.....

    Over the years I've always been attracted to him...he's an attractive guy and I vibe really well with his personality but that was it. However over the last couple of years I've found myself constantly thinking about him and over the last year we were in a position where we lived near each other while my husband was away for work. Nothing ever happened, but we hung out a lot over the course of three months and kind of fell back into that role of being good friends. We had a handful of deep conversations including one about my husband thinking I had a thing for him and he told me his ex gf always thought he had a thing for me too. Neither of us denied it and we were both silent after that. I could feel electricity throughout my body during that moment. I think he and I tend to flirt without really flirting...it's hard to explain and I guess I never thought anything about it until recently when I started to notice how we lock eyes every time we are around each other. A deep 30 second lock that freaks me out, but in the most exciting way.... I don't even think I've ever locked eyes with my H in that way and I've tried and it doesn't feel the same...

    Sometimes I feel like we have this unspoken thing and I often wonder if he feels the same way about me..... I could and would never act on this... I would never do that to my H and our life and our families. But that doesn't stop these crazy feelings that I am having and I just need someone to knock some sense into me, but also understand that these feelings are REAL. I really just needed this release in a safe place. I've been hanging onto this for a few years.

    WHAT IS THIS?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    THIS is called an emotional affair and if you really mean what you say about not doing "that" to your H or your families then you will stop all alone time with your BIL and you will immediately change the subject of him when he pops into your mind instead of encouraging your fantasies about him. You will stop this locking of eyes and you will never again encourage any of it... including talking to him about mutual attractions and all of it.

    Slap yourself across the back of your own head and get back into a lustful emotional bond with your HUSBAND.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Yes, it's an emotional affair. Limit your time with his brother and refocus so that you're spending more time on your family.

    You may also uncover you have latent issues with your husband that you're trying to escape from. Stop running away from your problems at home. If there are qualities about your marriage that you dislike or feel helpless about start taking a more proactive approach. Engage in meaningful hobbies or interests outside of the family home and start making other connections and friendships. Get a job even if it's part time or volunteer in the community, meet more of your peers and create more social circles. You're skewed in your connections and the scope is narrow and you're hyperfocusing on one connection that appears joyful to you.

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    Stop the covert flirting with him. Sooner or later, someone else will notice and it will bite you in a big way.

    Not only that, but you have to make a choice not to feed your crush. That means no stare-downs, no solo hangouts with him. Nothing. You're not doing enough dampen the temptation.

    Understand that you are likely over-blowing the chemistry you think you have with him, perhaps because you're bored or otherwise unsatisfied in your marriage. When that happens, nearly anything remotely flirty will feel much more butterfly-laden that it actually is. So with that in mind, I would turn back towards your marriage. Ask yourself where the cracks are. Find ways to remedy them. If you can't, you have a big choice to make that has nothing to do with his brother.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You realize all this this is not about your BIL, right? It's about your poor marriage, loss of fun, spark, communication, intimacy, connection, etc. Staring at him and fantasizing may be a band-aid solution to your marital problems and self-esteem issues, but the real solution and a safe place to unpack this is private therapy for yourself and joint marital therapy to revisit issues in your marriage that are clearly sorely lacking.
    Originally Posted by libralover
    I have intense feelings for my husbands brother. I never looked at him that way...until recent years...the older we've all got..... I often wonder if he feels the same way about me.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    There is no point in continuing to feed this obsession. Even if you were to get him, all you would end up with would be someone who is capable of the ultimate betrayal. Yuck! Plus, there is something incestuous about someone who is making eyes at their sibling's spouse. Double yuck!

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    Thank you for all of the responses. Just to clarify we are no where near each other anymore. Other sides of the globe.

    I donít doubt for a second that my fantasies of him are fulfilling some void my marriage. That has already crossed my mind, believe me. I also donít doubt that Iím blowing up the chemistry I think we have just because Iím feeling it. I have a pretty good grasp on my thoughts about this. As I said before, I know how terribly wrong and disgusting it is. And this was my first step to getting it out of my system.

  9. #8
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    Think of it like this.

    It's as though you love to smoke cigarettes, but only next to an open gasoline container. But you keep trying to get closer and closer to the open gas can. Then, eventually you find it can be even more satisfying if you dip the cigarette in the gas (just a little bit!) before lighting up.

    You know this will all blow up in your face, right?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by libralover
    Thank you for all of the responses. Just to clarify we are no where near each other anymore. Other sides of the globe.

    I donít doubt for a second that my fantasies of him are fulfilling some void my marriage. That has already crossed my mind, believe me. I also donít doubt that Iím blowing up the chemistry I think we have just because Iím feeling it. I have a pretty good grasp on my thoughts about this. As I said before, I know how terribly wrong and disgusting it is. And this was my first step to getting it out of my system.
    Did you want to talk about the bolded to get THAT out of your system?

  11. #10
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    It's interesting that the person you've chosen for your emotional affair is someone you could never, ever have. I do know someone - a friend of mine - whose ex-wife is married to his brother after they had an affair, and the ructions it caused in that family are way, way beyond anything that would have resulted from a 'normal' affair. Even decades later.

    But you don't need me to tell you that!

    So I'm guessing that this is both 'dangerous' because of the intense emotions for someone so utterly forbidden, and 'safe' because neither of you would act on them. Very alluring and enduring, but not actually real... a substitute for the spark which is currently missing from your marriage. Enduring because the emotions have never been put to the test which they would be in a real relationship, and can therefore just hang on in there. Of course it doesn't feel the same when you try and lock passionate gazes with your husband, because that kind of 'staring into each other's eyes' is the stuff of hormone-fuelled fantasy which doesn't actually endure even in appropriate relationships. To put it another way, you're stuck in what would otherwise be the honeymoon period of a romantic relationship, the rosy-tinted spectacles which come off once the relationship starts in earnest.

    Stop feeding this fantasy, and put the energy back into your marriage. It sounds like you have a romantic, daring streak which isn't being fulfilled in your current relationship, for example, and there may be a way of harnessing that which will strengthen your marriage rather than destroying it.

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