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Thread: Not sure what to make of my situation?

  1. #1

    Not sure what to make of my situation?

    Hi all,
    Iím very new to this site so please bear with me as I try to navigate my way through it, but I thought it would be helpful to get unbiased outside opinion on my situation. My boyfriend of 10 months and I broke up about two months ago. Our relationship had no solid issues that I nor those around me were aware of, my ex even mentioned that we had no problems until he created one by breaking up with me. Relatively early on, we both agreed to be exclusive with one another, both deleting our dating profile accounts and trusting that we were only seeing each other. We never fought in our relationship, had similar views, goals and lifestyles. We both understood the importance of giving one another space. Needless to say, the relationship was never controlling, demanding, or lacked any form of trust.

    He told me that he likes taking his time with things and if I allowed for him to do that, our relationship would grow and prosper, so while we were exclusive it was not until 3 months in that we made it official. I met his family and he met mine. He would be the one who would bring up ways to further our relationship i.e. possibility of moving in, saying I love you and he would even bring up marriage. He would talk about how he needs to do well in his new job to save up for my ring, he would talk about the church we would be married in, names of our children, how he would support me financially when I go back to school and we could move into a home together etc. He would also text me when he would be drunk telling me he loves me so much and how he got so lucky to find and be with someone like me.

    I think the only real problem in our relationship was his slight insecurity. He would always compare himself to our more successful friends and always tell me he was being a bad boyfriend and he needed to be and do better because he wants to keep me interested. Nonetheless, I would always reassure him that I was happy with him, but I donít know if he believed me. At that time, I did not think much of it.

    Anyways, three days prior to him breaking up with me, we were out drinking and he asked to see what engagement ring I would want. I showed him a photo and he took a screenshot of it and saved it to his phone. He made plans of our Halloween costumes that same day and a trip to go to Florida in November. The days following after, he would mention that now his Instagram feed has a ton of engagement rings Ė I did not think much of it. But we talked like nothing happened and we would have our normal day to day convo and he would text me goodmonring and goodnight, until he showed up at my door one day and returned my housekeys saying that the has been thinking about it for a few weeks (which was weird because just a week before he was looking to buy a home in close proximity to the school I was interested in applying to) and the talk about the future and us made him unsure and broke up with me. No red flags, no warning signs just broke up he teared up a little and then left.

    I ended up reaching out to him shortly after and he was open to talking and he said that he got cold feet, but doing this was hard for him. We met up about a week after the breakup and he told me he regrets what he did, but now that he had done it he thought it was too late to fix our situation and he would not be able to put his whole heart into it, but that he spent the entire week thinking of ways to win me back. He kissed me that night and told me he loved me and that I should know he loved me and teared up some more. He then said things along the lines of ďhad I met you in five years I would have married you on the spotĒ and ďletís meet again in a few years and just get marriedĒ he also said ďletís run away, start our lives over and elopeĒ.

    I gave him some time to decide if this breakup was what he wanted and he ultimately said that he wanted to be single and it was nothing I did and I was perfect and everything he looked for in a partner, but he is not ready for that right now and he just wants to have fun. He kept telling me I was going to find someone better than him (going back to the insecurity issue) and would move on in 3 months or so while he claimed he would be single for the next 3 years, which is ironic because he is already talking to another girl, although I feel it is very casual which is what he wants. I asked him if there was any hope for us getting back and he said there was none. I asked if there will ever be hope for us and he said he cannot say there will never be hope for us in the future. He asked to be friends with me and told me he would love to remain in touch. He reaches out here and there to catch up with me, but I never initiate contact. He tells me he is my biggest fan and supporter. He called me last week, so about 2 months into the breakup to ask how I am doing and he said he will call again in 2 weeks to follow up on some events that are happening in my life currently. I just donít know what to make of this, should I hold out hope? I have the willpower to not initiate contact but I cannot ignore his calls. Is there anything you guys think I did wrong in the relationship or where we went wrong? Sorry I forgot to mention Iím 23 and heís 26. Thanks for any input!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You're incompatible and he didn't want what you want. It's been 2 mos, so delete and block him so you can move on.

  3. #3
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    He was what is called "future faking". Maybe on purpose, maybe not, but he should have kept his mouth shut if he didn't really mean the things he was saying about rings and engagement and marriage and kids and a house.

    He probably knows those are the things women want to hear. Maybe he thought you'd keep seeing him if he said those things and would stop seeing him if he didn't, but bottom line, he didn't mean them.

    I wouldn't wait around. Why give him another chance to yank the rug out from under you?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, don't hold out hope. Any thoughts of reconciling a relationship is hopeless and he's hopeless. Give up on him.

    It's unhealthy to remain in contact with him. Tell him it's time to cut him loose, wish him well, tell him it's time to end things respectfully and you'll let him go. Tell him that you prefer to end contact and if he's relentless, resort to ghosting and blocking him. In order for you to move on, he should be out of sight, out of mind otherwise, you'll drag out unnecessary bitter and resentful feelings. He's currently toying with your feelings, leaving you confused, giving you false hopes for the future when there aren't any and he's playing. You need to cut that out.

    You're still young.

    Your ex was immature and ill prepared with his life nor was he prepared to provide a future together which requires a lot of money. It's a harsh reality check regarding economics.

    I've heard your story so many times before. It's nothing new. Either a guy promises the girl the moon or says, "I don't know" regarding his future with you. Be very careful with other guys in your life. With all due respect, it doesn't pay to be naive. Be wary of those who talk a good game. Tread lightly.

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  6. #5
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    I think he got ahead of himself and instead of being a responsible adult and resolving his doubts and being honest with you that he realized the future talk was too much too soon he just gave up completely. Itís a cop out. Also he lacks a filter. I remember when I was 21 I had a first date with a guy I met through a personal ad. I was over the moon. I went home and I think after the next date wrote our ďmarried namesĒ together in my diary. Yes this was the 1980s. Over the next months I realized I wasnít that into him but back then was scared of being alone and ending things with Mr Right on Paper. I let the relationship continue until he proposed 2 years later. I said yes but changed my mind 5 days later and we ended things. I got ahead of myself too and really didnít see him for who he really was - meaning not a good match for me- because I was so caught up in future talk. And insecure. Bad combo.
    One of two things is true. Either he made a mistake ending things so quickly or he realized that after the infatuation was over you werenít right for him. It doesnít really matter. If itís the former you two will reconnect in the future and if both of you are single and available and interested youíll date again. But until then do not give him the privilege of being in touch with you. Yes if he has a death in the family and wants to email you about that ok. But other than a life event like that concerning people you know do not try to be friends. Friends discuss who theyíre dating. Would you like him to tell you about women heís trying to date or dating ?
    Iím sorry for your hurt and disappointment. On to bigger and better things

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by lisaxlove
    I gave him some time to decide if this breakup was what he wanted and he ultimately said that he wanted to be single and it was nothing I did and I was perfect and everything he looked for in a partner, but he is not ready for that right now and he just wants to have fun. He kept telling me I was going to find someone better than him (going back to the insecurity issue) and would move on in 3 months or so while he claimed he would be single for the next 3 years, which is ironic because he is already talking to another girl, although I feel it is very casual which is what he wants.
    Funny how that happens, huh?

    I'm sorry OP, but I don't think this guy is being honest with you. Whether he met this girl before he ended it with you or whether he's just playing the field now that he is single, he is not in any position to have given you the future he claims he wanted with you. It sounds to me like he's quite immature for 26, and likes the idea of being able to be The Man and provider, but it's more about fluffing up his own ego than it was about building a life with you. He wanted to believe he was Mr. Macho and could do all these things (buying a ring, a house, supporting you while you went to school) but in reality, he's nowhere near ready for it. Big dreams, but that's it.

    I would not keep in touch with him. He's quite a self-serving person to feel he's still entitled to your companionship after doing a complete 180. It's going to hurt like hell when he stops calling so much because he's met someone else. Don't do that to yourself.


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