Leaving a relationship after the passing of a relative HELP

[fulmi]

So I recently broke up with my bf of 3 years (me 23, him 21) We had a great relationship spoke about the future and were highly committed to one another. Then, his father passed within the last year and he changed within months and even started speaking to someone the last week we were together and had the intentions of breaking up with me that same week. He blocked me on everything and told me it was best that we didn't speak to one another for a while. That lasted two weeks, within that time he broke things off with that girl stopped going to therapy, missed days of class and so on. He contacted me on my birthday and he called every night just chatting like friends and re-mincing and we met to clarify a few things. He told me that he loved and cared for me but couldn't commit to the relationship and that he didn't want to work for it, that it wasn't that he didn't love me but he said he would be better alone and that I should do what I need to do for me and that he needed to do what he need to do for him. In that meeting we hugged and kissed and he told me he loved me but didn't want to waste my time by being with me if he wasn't 100% sure about everything. I was holding to an object that belonged to his father and I gave it back to him that last day and it feels like he only spoke to me to get that back because then his disappeared again. Since the passing of his father he hasn't even seen his grave. I know that, that may be one of the major reasons for his change and instability but it just hurts that he doesn't want to rely/ didn't rely on me while we were together( especially since I was there through not just his fathers passing but the passing of many of his relative which happened within the same time frame) and is telling me to go and look else where. He hasn't mentioned our break up to anyone in his family as of yet not even his mother, and worried/ wondered who I told because he didn't want anyone to hate him, I will never truly know what he thinks and still love him immensely. I don't really know what to do other then not contact him, so any words?

[ninjabib]

Please us paragraphs as it's offputting.


OK, so his dad died and his personality changed. Fairly standard for such a traumatic experience. His behaviour was not the best but you dont sound the most understanding either.

A close family members death to me is one of those rare times where comments such as "need space" and "can't commit right now" etc are not automatic BS/excuses. What has happened to him at a (relatively) young age has obviously threw him a loop.

Trauma can knock people for six,completely change them. It's at times like these as partners we need to understand it's not about us, but about them. Now if you can't handle that then that is fine. No judgement but we can't choose how our other half will feel at the time.

Said it before on here this is the time where you give your partner all the time and space in the world as they need it. If they get better then they know where you are. The worst thing you can do now is pressure or hassle him. Reagrdless of how good youur intentions are. It's a period of his life where he needs to come to terms with things at his own pace.

Of course you are within your rights to move on and see other people if you wish. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth waiting for whilst accepting potentially that it may never recover. I would just continue with your life as a single person for now, hard as it is, furthere down the line, who knows?

[fulmi]

My apologize for the off putting typing form this is my first time ever typing in a forum. I have been understanding because I realized after a few months that he wasn't communicating any of his issues with me and that he was distancing himself so I directed him to therapy because I felt it was the best way he could speak to someone and get it out since he has gone through it all completely alone. I have been the only one that has been there unfortunately since his mother was so busy that she didn't even go to the funeral, but not because she didn't want to but because she just couldn't at the time.

I just wish that I would have directed him toward it immediately instead of just recently. The experience is completely traumatic and I know that he is responding to that trauma with actions that are unlike him. That's why I understand that he needs his space to do his growing and understand himself. Truthfully, until he personally feels whole again, goes through therapy and eventually visits his fathers grave ,who he didn't even go to see get buried , there won't be any us at all.

Honestly I am most concerned about him just being whole again and being happy because I want nothing more then for him to be stable emotionally and mentally.

[ninjabib]

My apologies i must have misreads it due to the wall of text it was hard to follow.

Ok well i would say that you have done what is done. I wouldn't beat yourself up for not advising of him of seeking therapy immediately and it wouldn't be fair for him to hold that against you either.

I think it's simply a case of waiting and seeing but as i said that's a risk and choice only you can decide if its worth taking. I would just give him all the time and space in ther world and see if he reaches out but set a time limit if you decide to wait. You cannot put your life on hold forever.

[fulmi]

I understand and thank you. I am also just hurt as well this was my first relationship. I have never done him wrong and he blocks me in everything but, maybe I should have just gone immediate no contact after I saw he was talking to someone else a week before we broke up. Our relationship became a complicated chore to him that reminded him of all the bad that happen within the last year and he tried to jump into something less complicated that didn't last more then a week. Not to mention he is also away at school and I am not in his proximity.

I know there is still love since we never really had any issues or problems and because he said so himself. How long would you say I should wait? I have been focusing on myself and picking up some hobbies and got new job opportunities just to keep me busy until one day we can speak again. Hopefully with clearer minds and hearts.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you have outgrown the relationship. he is simply too immature for the kind of commitment and future talk you seem to want at this point. He is reevaluating his life and reconnecting with people resulting from his dad's death. Stay no contact. Do not mother or analyse him.

It would be best to start considering men who are on the same page as you rather than getting stuck, then trying yo fix them.

(me 23, him 21) We had a great relationship spoke about the future and were highly committed to one another. He told me that he loved and cared for me but couldn't commit to the relationship and that he didn't want to work for it,

[fulmi]

Understandable as well

[ninjabib]

I think he is just all over the place right now and i think you are on the right lines regarding him jummping into another relationship immediately, the fact they are already broken up speaks volumes.

I wish i could say something profound but it's just down to waiting and seeing in my eyes. I'm sorry.

You are doing the rgiht thing regarding new hobbies etc etc but I can't say how long you should wait, whatever you feel appropriate/reasonable. Personally i'd probably wait a few months and then move on but that doesn't mean it's right for you. IOt could be shorter or longer. I really hope it all works out for OP.

[Clio]

I am very sorry for your heartbreak. Imo, you need to stay no contact and try your best to move on. This guy doesn't sound like he was the one for you to begin with. Imo, what happened was that the death of his father made him take an inventory of what he wants to do with his life and sadly he did not see himself ending up with you i.e. his father's death was a catalyst and not the cause of your break up. The break up would have happened regardless because when the push came to shove he did not view you as the One. He did love you but sadly not enough to last forever. When a guy says that he doesn't want to waste your time, you should believe him and move on. His getting in contact after the break up should not keep you back. Dumpers do it all the time and it's about seeking cofort and weaning off the past relationship/attachment NOT getting back. You need to stay no contact and move on. He did love you but it's over. The relationship has run its course. No need to beat yourself up about it but you do need to let go of making excuses for him and try your best to heal and move on. The person you remember doesn't exist any longer. He has changed. He is very young and he still has tons of growing up to do. Do not waste your time waiting. Good luck.

[abitbroken]

Sorry that you are going through this. He is a very young man to be losing his dad - his life is in a tailspin right now. Let him go. There will be another great guy out there for you