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Thread: Leaving a relationship after the passing of a relative HELP

  1. #11
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    and worried/ wondered who I told because he didn't want anyone to hate him,

    Tell whoever it helps you to tell. The breakup is a fact. Tell your sister, tell your best friends. Tell whoever you need to tell to help you get through it. By him not wanting people to know - basically he doesn't want to be with you, but doesn't want you to move on either. So i would focus on your own healing and tell whoever you feel like telling. Obviously, don't get on the phone and call all his friends - but this is your breakup too and you are entitled and deserve to do what you need to heal. He can deal with the questions from his family

    And no, you did not cause this breakup. I don't believe "you were going to break up anyhow". But you did. there is someone out there that is more ready for a relationship

  2. #12
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    Dearest Fulmi,
    I agree with all the above posts. No contact is the best way to go through this.
    I know how hard it is. I know you feel powerless and it hurts as hell.
    You were there for him.. you did what you could. His world has fallen apart. Let him pick the pieces.
    Maybe one day he will re think this ? Who knows.
    As painful as that is, you need to take care of yourself now. Sending you a hug.

  3. #13
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    Thank you all for your kind words and tough love, it's all appreciated. It is hard, I will take my time to heal and move forward when I'm strong enough

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Dearest Fulmi,
    I agree with all the above posts. No contact is the best way to go through this.
    I know how hard it is. I know you feel powerless and it hurts as hell.
    You were there for him.. you did what you could. His world has fallen apart. Let him pick the pieces.
    Maybe one day he will re think this ? Who knows.
    As painful as that is, you need to take care of yourself now. Sending you a hug.
    Thank you *hug back*

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    I am very sorry for your heartbreak. Imo, you need to stay no contact and try your best to move on. This guy doesn't sound like he was the one for you to begin with. Imo, what happened was that the death of his father made him take an inventory of what he wants to do with his life and sadly he did not see himself ending up with you i.e. his father's death was a catalyst and not the cause of your break up. The break up would have happened regardless because when the push came to shove he did not view you as the One. He did love you but sadly not enough to last forever. When a guy says that he doesn't want to waste your time, you should believe him and move on. His getting in contact after the break up should not keep you back. Dumpers do it all the time and it's about seeking cofort and weaning off the past relationship/attachment NOT getting back. You need to stay no contact and move on. He did love you but it's over. The relationship has run its course. No need to beat yourself up about it but you do need to let go of making excuses for him and try your best to heal and move on. The person you remember doesn't exist any longer. He has changed. He is very young and he still has tons of growing up to do. Do not waste your time waiting. Good luck.
    I agree we have know each other for years, since we met in out HS, and the fact that his father died from a terminal illness might just have him worrying about his own mortality. I don't know, all I know is that he had made his decision a while back.

    Before we separated I gave him ideas as to therapy and eventually going to see his father because he hasn't even fully accepted it honestly. He has little to no one around him to advise him and has done a lot of his growing alone. I also told him to incorporate his mother in his suffering because him keeping it in has caused him more suffering.

    But it has also left me confused. We were together for so long know each other longer. He made all the first steps; from bringing me to meet his family talking about marriage, kids, etc to going to meet my family members and grandparents all in another country because he took us seriously, or so I thought, I never had to force him at any aspect. But after that vacation together with both of our families he came home to his father in the hospital, and lost two other family members previously that same year. One after the other. He was never a bad person so I can't hate him, he was communicative and kind we were compatible, mentally, emotionally,spiritually and big parts of each others lives; so maybe that's why I'm holding on to hope. Even so I will try to do what I need to do and try not to have unrealistic exceptions.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I speak from experience. My father passed away when I was merely 18 years old. I shunned everyone including friends. Death of a close loved one was too much of a sudden shock. I was living at home at the time with my recently widowed mother and younger siblings. My whole world and entire household turned upside down. We were left scrambling to put food on the table. I worked 40 hours full time night shift while enrolled full time in college by day AND financially supported my family. Life was very, very, very difficult, stressful, hard and miserable. Those years were nothing but a blur. We suffered tremendously.

    I didn't rekindle my friendships until many YEARS later when my life was finally on the upswing. I was engaged to marry, had 2 young sons years later, a great husband and life was FINALLY smooth and content. I was in a happy place to rejoice consistently.

    The moral of my story is, whenever a person's life is in upheaval and havoc, there is absolutely NO brain space for anything nor anyone except their grief and daily survival. You need to back off from the bereft.

    If you want to do something, bring a homemade casserole to him and / or his family and then leave immediately. Never linger. Make your exit quickly. Don't barge into a person or a family's life. Have strict boundaries and exercise discretion. You can be kind from afar and then let go of him permanently. Let him live his life while you move forward with yours.

    Depression for your ex will last a very long time. Losing an immediate family member is extremely traumatic. Concentrate and focus on your life because it will be more mentally healthy for you. Let him go and move forward.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I speak from experience. My father passed away when I was merely 18 years old. I shunned everyone including friends. Death of a close loved one was too much of a sudden shock. I was living at home at the time with my recently widowed mother and younger siblings. My whole world and entire household turned upside down. We were left scrambling to put food on the table. I worked 40 hours full time night shift while enrolled full time in college by day AND financially supported my family. Life was very, very, very difficult, stressful, hard and miserable. Those years were nothing but a blur. We suffered tremendously.

    I didn't rekindle my friendships until many YEARS later when my life was finally on the upswing. I was engaged to marry, had 2 young sons years later, a great husband and life was FINALLY smooth and content. I was in a happy place to rejoice consistently.

    The moral of my story is, whenever a person's life is in upheaval and havoc, there is absolutely NO brain space for anything nor anyone except their grief and daily survival. You need to back off from the bereft.

    If you want to do something, bring a homemade casserole to him and / or his family and then leave immediately. Never linger. Make your exit quickly. Don't barge into a person or a family's life. Have strict boundaries and exercise discretion. You can be kind from afar and then let go of him permanently. Let him live his life while you move forward with yours.

    Depression for your ex will last a very long time. Losing an immediate family member is extremely traumatic. Concentrate and focus on your life because it will be more mentally healthy for you. Let him go and move forward.
    Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom, I truly appreciate it.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fulmi
    Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom, I truly appreciate it.
    You're very welcome, fulmi.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he wants to be free and grow on his own without you mothering him and staying stalled out. Mothering, smothering and playing therapist will kill any romance and make the relationship dynamic claustrophobic.

    He's 21. He wants to live life, he wants to date others, he want to grow and be free, as he should at his age. He doesn't want to belabor depressing subjects or talk about being tied down to marriage kids etc.

    Therapy would help you out a lot. It would help you not only sort through your first breakup but also help you form more independent and less controlling relationship dynamics. It could help tremendously in the future to not drive things into a ditch like this again with all the incessant marriage, kids talk and smothering, fixing etc.
    Originally Posted by fulmi

    Before we separated I gave him ideas as to therapy and eventually going to see his father because he hasn't even fully accepted it honestly. He has little to no one around him to advise him and has done a lot of his growing alone. I also told him to incorporate his mother in his suffering because him keeping it in has caused him more suffering.

    talking about marriage, kids, etc

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately he wants to be free and grow on his own without you mothering him and staying stalled out. Mothering, smothering and playing therapist will kill any romance and make the relationship dynamic claustrophobic.

    He's 21. He wants to live life, he wants to date others, he want to grow and be free, as he should at his age. He doesn't want to belabor depressing subjects or talk about being tied down to marriage kids etc.

    Therapy would help you out a lot. It would help you not only sort through your first breakup but also help you form more independent and less controlling relationship dynamics. It could help tremendously in the future to not drive things into a ditch like this again with all the incessant marriage, kids talk and smothering, fixing etc.
    I am allowing him to be free and do his thing. Those conversations were never started by me about the future, they, majority of the time, were started by him not me, I did mention that lol. He was always looking for someone to settle down with that was his ultimate goal for a series of reason, he gave promise rings and spoke about it to his family and of course I reciprocated the same interest after a while it was never incessant.

    I only mentioned therapy since he wasn't open to speaking about the situation concerning the death of his father and wasn't able to cope but also felt I didn't understand. I never forcefully advised him either or controlled him throughout our relationship he made his choices but always wanted my opinion which I only gave if necessary. At this point, I decided not to help him or speak to him and go no contact even though he has text me last night to see how I was doing. I have come to terms with the break up but I still care for him as it inevitable because we known each other for 5 years and even while I move on with my life a part of me still has a bit of hope in the back my mind. The break up is still fresh.. I thought about therapy but decided that time alone doing me works just fine as well. It worked the first few weeks until he decided to text and call me...and of course I answered, but at this point I'm gonna just keep my distance.

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