His rebound from me was his rebound after his last relationship

[Delicate1]

I am suddenly going through a painful divorce after being together for two years, married for one. He said he was not happy and left me. A few days later he begged for me to forgive him, saying he was wrong and loved me, only for him to do a 180 again, and since that day he has been on a mission to destroy me during this divorce. It is too long a story to post here, but needless to say, I am devastated and still love him.

He was previously married and during his separation a few years ago, he dated a woman as the "rebound" for 6 months. This was just before we met. He gave me a laundry list of things he did not like about her and why he ultimately ended it. They stayed somewhat on friendly terms afterwards, but once we were engaged I asked him to stop all contact with her, and he did. Well, now that we are divorcing, I've come to learn that he has been seeing this person once again. We have only been separated for one month. I am beyond devastated, as only 5 weeks ago he was telling me how incredibly lucky he was to have me as his wife, how much he loved me, etc. He is a self-professed narcissist, and is also a sex addict (had been seeing a therapist). Primary issue was his addiction to cam sites, which caused me a lot of emotional pain as he felt they were not acts of infidelity.

Anyhow, my question is: with regard to this rebound x2, what do you think the likelihood is that this time it'll work out for them, as it's not the first time they have gotten together? Or will the reasons he left her the first time after only 6 months (which were numerous according to what he told me), be an indication that this will likely not work out? I do still love him very much and just need a little hope that my marriage may still be salvageable.

[MissCanuck]

It is unlikely to work out for them, and it will probably be because he leaves her some other woman too.

However, this is not relevant to whether your marriage is salvageable. It sounds like it was toxic and he is not invested, regardless of who he dates now. It is over, no matter how you slice it. This man is not marriage material.

[ninjabib]

Agree with Miss Canuck.

My ex of 5 years did a similar thing to me last year. After we broke up, within a month, she accidently let slip that she was again seeing a guy she had dated for 3 weeks prior to me.

It just made me laugh. If you are incompatible after 3 weeks why try again? Surely enough, within a few months they were done for good and she wanted to come back. I told her absolutely no way of course.

The point of it is I think he's done, for whatever reason who knows? He's got problems he needs to solve before getting into relationships but he's not the type of guy to do that. He will just be with whomever to satisfy his needs with no regard for anyone else. Same as my ex.

There's no doubt in my mind you're husband will split up again with the current woman sooner rather than later and there's no doubt he will come creeping back but I'm sorry to say it won't be a sincere comeback. Now he's left once and knowing his personality type he won't hesitate to do it again.


For your own sanity I'd suggest continuing the process of divorce and cutting him out of your life.

[Hollyj]

You should be glad to be rid of this mind f$ck. He is a sex addict and a narcissist. Why did you get involved with him in the first place? He sounds horrible.

What do you love about him?

I strongly recommend that you get some therapy to deal with your own issues, starting with co dependency.

[irka000]

I am sorry you are going through this. It must be so painful.
Please don't worry about that woman. She may be his safety net. Let him do whatever he wants to do.
Perhaps some distance from him will allow you to see things clearer.
Did he give you any indication he wasn't happy ?
How was your relationship ?
Utilise this time apart to evaluate this marriage.
If you don't have mortgage, children etc than perhaps it is a blessing for you.
I know it is hard to see this now.
Try to keep no contact and just let him do what he wants. Difficult but the only way to deal with this.
I am puzzled that after one year of marriage he is so quick to quit.
Were you happy in this marriage Delicate ?

[figureitout23]

I also agree with Canuck.

Focusing on the labels you’ve given him, sex addict/narcissist, I’d say hope would be slim to none.

Ignoring the labels, you’re clinging to something hurting you.

I’m sorry.

[MissCanuck]

How was your relationship ?
Utilise this time apart to evaluate this marriage.
If you don't have mortgage, children etc than perhaps it is a blessing for you.
I know it is hard to see this now.
Try to keep no contact and just let him do what he wants. Difficult but the only way to deal with this.
I am puzzled that after one year of marriage he is so quick to quit.
Were you happy in this marriage Delicate ?

I believe she more or less already answered those questions with this:
"He is a self-professed narcissist, and is also a sex addict (had been seeing a therapist). Primary issue was his addiction to cam sites, which caused me a lot of emotional pain as he felt they were not acts of infidelity."

[smackie9]

Looking at his tack record, no one will workout for him, not her, and not anyone who unfortunately will be with him in the future.

[Lambert]

I am so sorry delicate1. He sounds horrible and needy as all heck. There are some people in the world, that for whatever reason, they cannot be alone. And whoever they are with is not who they really want to be with. I know what you mean about, just a short 5 weeks ago, he claimed to be so happy and lucky to have you. It's a real poop show.

For what it's worth, I don't think he will be happy with her or anyone else. For the sheer fact, that he never takes the time to heal himself. I feel there are people in the world that are capable of jumping from one relationship to the next, without any second thoughts. and the people that are on the receiving end of their affection believe them, because they want to. We all want to feel we are the one to someone. That they would forsake the love of someone else for us and that is the ploy that makes the receiver fall for them...

But emotionally stable people to do hurt others, especially their spouse. I am sorry you married a bad egg. They may to your chagrin, stay together for some time. She maybe more vulnerable to his lies and BS. And that fuels his ego and emotional emptiness. But it won't last. What he is doing is not what healthy people do. YOu can only push your problems off with the thrill of new love for so long.... at some point, we all have to pay the piper.

Just know, that while he may seem happy or whatever, chances are he is not. He could fake happiness with you and turn on you and your marriage on a dime. Therefore, it stands to reason he can do that to anyone. It's not a matter of what the other woman has or does..... this is all him. How he perceives things with no rhyme or reason, so you can never predict using logical, an illogical person.


I agree with another poster-- if you are not financially attached or have children involved, count it as a blessing. Hard to see now, but your future self will. Hang in there. Keep posting.... It feels good to let it out....Maybe think about getting a therapist. The best thing you can do is heal yourself and get ready for your next chapter, because this too shall pass.

[Delicate1]

Thank you everyone for your valuable input. I suppose I can shed some more light on the nature of our relationship and breakup and how it came to this.

His ex spouse cheated on him for years and after finding out the second time he decided to end it. He immediately went looking for another relationship (as he does not like being alone), and found this woman. After 6 months he realized that while he appreciated how she helped him get over and move on from his ex wife (rebound woman is a therapist), he could not get over certain quirks she had, among other things. Enter me, about 3 months later. He was quick to profess his love and we moved very fast. I had spent the last few years single after my last relationship really did a number on me, and while this felt overwhelming at first, I started to feel really good about being desired again, especially by a man who seemed to be such a wonderful partner.

I did not know about his addiction or narcissistic traits until we married and I moved in with him last August. But considering that I had literally given up everything to be with him (he demanded I file bankruptcy before marriage, despite my good credit, because he did not want my debt to be brought into the marriage...and stupidly I complied), I felt I had no choice but to keep trying to make the best of it and really wanted to show him I was a good wife. He is a larger man (6'3, 350 lbs), and yet he began to exhibit shallow traits when I put on a few pounds, telling me "I'd love you more if you lost weight." Yeah, I know, I should have RUN, but again, I felt like I had made vows before God and always thought I could make things right. But slowly he only began to take more and more jabs at me, and coupled with his inability to stop watching the cam girls, I began to shut down emotionally. Sex became almost non-existent because it was difficult for me to be intimate with him knowing he was judging my body or comparing me to those porn women.

We recently built a new home together and we closed on it literally 3 days before he left me. In fact, he demanded I leave but I refused. It came after an argument where he had stated that he did not want to have a child with me, despite our attempts until last month and his constant comments that I would make a wonderful mother. He said he could not have a child with someone he no longer loved. He got ugly and tried to lock me out the following day when he came home and I was out, for which the cops were called. He then left again and has stayed away. I was advised by my attorney to obtain a PPO to ensure he did not return or attempt any further actions, which I did. A few days later was when he attempted to reach out to me, and the following day stopped altogether. It has been about 5 weeks of complete NC from him. In the meantime he has retained a sleazy attorney who had not only gotten my bank account frozen, but continues to amend the divorce complaint with frivolous and false accusations against me. I am presently in the new home without furniture aside from the bed as he cancelled the delivery orders after he left. We had a hearing in which he was ordered to maintain status quo and continue paying all marital bills, but he has not done this. Now my attorney is filing a motion for contempt.

So now he has been staying at his parents (and his 2 young children which he has 50% custody of), and I have been informed by a mutual acquaintance that he has begun seeing the "old rebound" again. It's funny how when I sit here and type out the nature of our relationship and history together, I question why I want him back so badly. I'm sure it's just the fear of starting over, especially considering I literally have nothing (due to the bankruptcy, it is all in his name, including my car as I had to surrender my previous one), and I also tend to only want to remember the good. But wow, the pain of losing someone and having a failed marriage is bad enough without the knowledge that they have moved on so quickly and are doing God-knows-what with that other person. It's just so painful thinking that after all the pain I endured and how hard I tried to make him happy and make this work, he could so easily move on without any regard for me. I'm not a vindictive person, but right now I just wish he was experiencing the same amount of pain and torment that he's caused me, or that he ultimately will. But I feel like he has simply moved on and living a blissful new life with this "old-new prospect." UGH.