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This hurts like hell, even though I know it’s for the best


bdwiii

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Some of you will know who I’m talking about from my past posts. There’s a girl I’ve known now for 14 years and we’ve dated off and on throughout that time, but this was the longest time (6 months) we were ever together. She had called me back in the beginning of May and we got together and before long she was living with me.

 

Let’s just say it was tumultuous during those six months to say the least. There was a lot of arguments which I know see where her being manipulative constantly. Everything she did to cause strife was projected onto me, and I was made out to be the bad guy despite I practically worshiped the ground she walked on. I truly did love this girl. Well, later I find out that a problem she had said she was over she was in fact not over at all, this being heroin addiction. During the time she was with me I had her in the hospital several times for overdose and in rehab twice. All to no avail, so she was going to go to another place I had arranged for her, and we did all the preparation for her to leave this past Thursday, but Wednesday afternoon she said she wanted to say goodbye to a female friend so I was fine with that and she told me she loved me and kissed me as she left the house. The hours rolled by and she didn’t return until Friday morning at 1:00 am. She finally shows up saying she relapsed and she had to get some things from her girlfriends and then she’d be home. That never happened either.

 

I dug through my phone which she was using and saw some of the last numbers she had called and I reached some guy, and she was there and she talked to me and said she was coming home, but never did so I kept calling back and finally this guy agreed to meet me somewhere so when I see him he tells me look, I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but she’s been ing my roommate there at the house for about two weeks now. Well, it felt like the wind got knocked out of me and I felt sick to my stomach. As it turns out he deals drugs so that explains that. But to have been lied to and deceived like that after a half year together just is a crushing blow to me. Despite how wrong I know it was to try and save her from herself and inevitable death, I still loved her dearly and this hurts like hell. I can’t eat, sleep, or even think straight anymore.

 

The court had stipulated that she stay with me and go into a drug rehabilitation program and they were going to do spot urine tests for use. Well, on Monday morning I’m calling the judge and her probation officer and having her bail revoked so they’ll reissue a bench warrant and put her back in jail. I’m doing it for two reasons. One for what she’s done to me, and to hopefully keep her from dying soon because I was told it’s that bad. What I need to know is how do I get over this? It’s got me all messed up and I just the pain to stop. I’ve been told twice now that believe it or not, she’ll be back trying to get back together with me but I just can’t do that anymore. Not after this.

 

Any words of advice and wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

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Well I really cannot believe that you would let yourself be treated this badly. She sounds absolutely awful.

 

Why on earth would you want to be with someone like this? Have you no self respect. You sound like a doormat. So many red flags.

 

On and off dating for 14 years and the most time managed together is a tumultuous 6 months?

 

You 2 are completely toxic together and should have cut all contact with each other long long ago.

 

OK she lies and cheats but after 14 years you must know her inside and out surely?!

 

You are not her saviour or guardian angel. If she's intent on killing herself through drugs then that is what she's going to do regardless.

 

I genuinely believe you both need professional help and hope you get it. Once she's out the property block delete and never consider contacting each other ever again.

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Sorry you're going through this, OP.

 

Whether she tries to come back or not is irrelevant at this point. This relationship is so dysfunctional that the good times won't last and you two will simply continue on this toxic cycle. She is in deep with this addiction and it could easily take her life, as you point out. The sad part is that unless she is ready to truly kick this, you can't do anything for her.

 

You would be wise to get yourself some counselling, to help you understand why you felt the need to be this woman's savior and protector when it's clearly detrimental to your well-being and when the love is so obviously one-sided. Your healing is important too, and that is where you will need to put your focus on. There is something in you that cares about her as a person, no doubt, but lacks a strong sense of self. The fact that you so easily let her back into your life again and had her living with you so fast is indicative poor boundaries and good judgment on your part. Tackling that will be one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself, so you don't wind up in a similarly toxic relationship in the future.

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You are all so very right, and yes, I suppose I’m just as “sick” as she is by allowing myself to be used and abused like this. Yes, she’s a very beautiful girl but her heart is black and as cold as night. I have a very comprehensive benefits package with my work and in fact she and I had gone to see a counselor which was paid for by the company. Now that she’s gone from my life I think I will continue to see this counselor to get the help I need also and to learn why I allowed this to be done to me in the first place.

 

It still hurts, but hearing what all of you are telling me is helping me immensely. I had known her since she was 18, and now she’s 32. I guess I just was hoping there would be some type of change for the better on her part and that she’d want help and take it. Obviously that was not to be, in fact, what I actually was doing in effect was enabling her to do more harm than good. She certainly cannot hit “rock bottom” when she’s given a nice warm and clean home to live in, clothing and food supplied and a cell phone as well.

 

Again, thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom. I need to hear this all from you very much now.

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OP i juist got back in and as you mentioned in your opening statement that you are known on here i thought i'd look back through some of the threads you started and things are even worse than i thought.

 

You really need therapy if you think this relationship was worth persevering with. I mean it in the most nicest way although it may not sound it.

 

Perhaps you need to ask yourself if you tried to spend your lifetime trying to fix her as a way of avoiding your issues, it's all i can think of.

 

PLEASE PLEASE never stay involved with somoene like this again.

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Ninjabib, thank you, and i do value your opinion and what you're saying is dead on. I know how messed up it is, and how messed up I am emoitionally to allow someone to hurt and abuse me like that. I guess I thought if I loved her enough, showed her enough how much I cared she'd change and we could be happy. Yeah, right. I know, severe codependency issues and I was told it probably stems from my childhood as a fear of abandonment. The ones that would be good for me are unappealing, and seem boring, but I gravitate towards the toxic and abusive ones because I'm still trying to "fix" something that I didn't get so long ago. In any case, it still hurts, and the wound is still very fresh. She's already resorted to abusive texts from his cell phone this afternoon. I of course didn't respond to them.

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Ninjabib, thank you, and i do value your opinion and what you're saying is dead on. I know how messed up it is, and how messed up I am emoitionally to allow someone to hurt and abuse me like that. I guess I thought if I loved her enough, showed her enough how much I cared she'd change and we could be happy. Yeah, right. I know, severe codependency issues and I was told it probably stems from my childhood as a fear of abandonment. The ones that would be good for me are unappealing, and seem boring, but I gravitate towards the toxic and abusive ones because I'm still trying to "fix" something that I didn't get so long ago. In any case, it still hurts, and the wound is still very fresh. She's already resorted to abusive texts from his cell phone this afternoon. I of course didn't respond to them.

 

Why don't you block? End this mess! Sorry, but you really seem to thrive on this.

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As individuals we cannot change people single handedly. The will to change has to come from within. If it's not there then you are in for a world of pain.

 

Therapy can really help more than you imagine. I initially started going for help following a work accident/brain injury and it helped me uncover hidden memories of childhood abuse and neglect which is what i'm working on now in order to feel better moving forwards. If you go into it with an open mind and an open heart in a year or so i'd wager my house that you feel infinitely better and i really hope you do. You also will learn how to spot and take action on red flags such as your ex and her behaviour.

 

It's vital you remain no contact, don't let her goading get to you. As soon as shes gone from your property block her on everything.

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What do I love about her? That's a very good question. Honestly, it would have to be a physical attraction because everything else is rotten and vile inside her. She's evil, truly evil. Anyone who can toy with someone's emotions so convincingly and make them believe that you love them is one of the cruelest persons alive. Not to mention I'm battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer which for the time being is in remission, but nevertheless could return and kill me at will. But she doesn't care how much she hurts me, it's all about her. Yes, perhaps it is high time I start loving myself and get her out of my life for good. The cord has been cut. I think I finally get it now. Yeah, I'm not stupid, but when it came to her I guess I was. Well, it truly is over now.

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HollyJ, I know it seems that I "thrive" on, or enjoy this, but I really do not. I want my life back and I want to stop crying and feeling pain from abuse. I have blocked her, and removed everything that was hers from my apartment. It's over now and she is gone, gone forever.

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What do I love about her? That's a very good question. Honestly, it would have to be a physical attraction because everything else is rotten and vile inside her. She's evil, truly evil. Anyone who can toy with someone's emotions so convincingly and make them believe that you love them is one of the cruelest persons alive. Not to mention I'm battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer which for the time being is in remission, but nevertheless could return and kill me at will. But she doesn't care how much she hurts me, it's all about her. Yes, perhaps it is high time I start loving myself and get her out of my life for good. The cord has been cut. I think I finally get it now. Yeah, I'm not stupid, but when it came to her I guess I was. Well, it truly is over now.

 

That is quite shallow. How can it be love, if there is only an attraction. That is not love.

 

BD, it seems like you like to perceive yourself as a victim, you are not. You have actively engaged in this sick mess, and all for a "physical attraction." C'mon!

 

I am very sorry that you are dealing with cancer.

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HollyJ, I know it seems that I "thrive" on, or enjoy this, but I really do not. I want my life back and I want to stop crying and feeling pain from abuse. I have blocked her, and removed everything that was hers from my apartment. It's over now and she is gone, gone forever.

 

Hallelujah!

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That is quite shallow. How can it be love, if there is only an attraction. That is not love.

 

BD, it seems like you like to perceive yourself as a victim, you are not. You have actively engaged in this sick mess, and all for a "physical attraction." C'mon!

 

I am very sorry that you are dealing with cancer.

 

Ok, let me correct myself; it wasn’t solely based on a physical attraction. I’ve known the girl for 14 years and when she wasn’t using she could be a very sweet and loving person. Yes I did love her. What I meant when I said now the only attraction is physical is because after seeing how she truly is inside that’s all that’s left. And thank you about the well wishes about the cancer, it’s been a very harrowing experience to say the least

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Ok, let me correct myself; it wasn’t solely based on a physical attraction. I’ve known the girl for 14 years and when she wasn’t using she could be a very sweet and loving person. Yes I did love her. What I meant when I said now the only attraction is physical is because after seeing how she truly is inside that’s all that’s left. And thank you about the well wishes about the cancer, it’s been a very harrowing experience to say the least

 

Yes. I lost my brother to cancer. You should be doing what is right for you, and not dealing with this nightmare of a situation.

 

Once you stop seeing yourself as the victim, you will start to move on. You were complicit.

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Sorry to hear this is going on. Yes, she needs this...and so do you. Bite the bullet. It seems "mean' but she needs this wake-up call.

I’m calling the judge and her probation officer and having her bail revoked so they’ll reissue a bench warrant and put her back in jail.

 

I’m doing it for two reasons. One for what she’s done to me, and to hopefully keep her from dying soon because I was told it’s that bad.

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You're right Hollyj, I put myself in that mess so I am every bit as culpable for what happened to me as a result as she is. I allowed it to happen even when everyone else warned me and I refused to listen. And yes, I need to start cherishing every day, every moment I'm still alive and breathing instead of wasting it on someone who could care less whether I lived or died. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I hate that I may one day in the not too distant future. have to put my family through that same painful experience.

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