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Thread: This hurts like hell, even though I know itís for the best

  1. #1
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    This hurts like hell, even though I know itís for the best

    Some of you will know who Iím talking about from my past posts. Thereís a girl Iíve known now for 14 years and weíve dated off and on throughout that time, but this was the longest time (6 months) we were ever together. She had called me back in the beginning of May and we got together and before long she was living with me.

    Letís just say it was tumultuous during those six months to say the least. There was a lot of arguments which I know see where her being manipulative constantly. Everything she did to cause strife was projected onto me, and I was made out to be the bad guy despite I practically worshiped the ground she walked on. I truly did love this girl. Well, later I find out that a problem she had said she was over she was in fact not over at all, this being heroin addiction. During the time she was with me I had her in the hospital several times for overdose and in rehab twice. All to no avail, so she was going to go to another place I had arranged for her, and we did all the preparation for her to leave this past Thursday, but Wednesday afternoon she said she wanted to say goodbye to a female friend so I was fine with that and she told me she loved me and kissed me as she left the house. The hours rolled by and she didnít return until Friday morning at 1:00 am. She finally shows up saying she relapsed and she had to get some things from her girlfriends and then sheíd be home. That never happened either.

    I dug through my phone which she was using and saw some of the last numbers she had called and I reached some guy, and she was there and she talked to me and said she was coming home, but never did so I kept calling back and finally this guy agreed to meet me somewhere so when I see him he tells me look, Iím really sorry to have to tell you this but sheís been ing my roommate there at the house for about two weeks now. Well, it felt like the wind got knocked out of me and I felt sick to my stomach. As it turns out he deals drugs so that explains that. But to have been lied to and deceived like that after a half year together just is a crushing blow to me. Despite how wrong I know it was to try and save her from herself and inevitable death, I still loved her dearly and this hurts like hell. I canít eat, sleep, or even think straight anymore.

    The court had stipulated that she stay with me and go into a drug rehabilitation program and they were going to do spot urine tests for use. Well, on Monday morning Iím calling the judge and her probation officer and having her bail revoked so theyíll reissue a bench warrant and put her back in jail. Iím doing it for two reasons. One for what sheís done to me, and to hopefully keep her from dying soon because I was told itís that bad. What I need to know is how do I get over this? Itís got me all messed up and I just the pain to stop. Iíve been told twice now that believe it or not, sheíll be back trying to get back together with me but I just canít do that anymore. Not after this.

    Any words of advice and wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
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    Well I really cannot believe that you would let yourself be treated this badly. She sounds absolutely awful.

    Why on earth would you want to be with someone like this? Have you no self respect. You sound like a doormat. So many red flags.

    On and off dating for 14 years and the most time managed together is a tumultuous 6 months?

    You 2 are completely toxic together and should have cut all contact with each other long long ago.

    OK she lies and cheats but after 14 years you must know her inside and out surely?!

    You are not her saviour or guardian angel. If she's intent on killing herself through drugs then that is what she's going to do regardless.

    I genuinely believe you both need professional help and hope you get it. Once she's out the property block delete and never consider contacting each other ever again.

  3. #3
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    Sorry you're going through this, OP.

    Whether she tries to come back or not is irrelevant at this point. This relationship is so dysfunctional that the good times won't last and you two will simply continue on this toxic cycle. She is in deep with this addiction and it could easily take her life, as you point out. The sad part is that unless she is ready to truly kick this, you can't do anything for her.

    You would be wise to get yourself some counselling, to help you understand why you felt the need to be this woman's savior and protector when it's clearly detrimental to your well-being and when the love is so obviously one-sided. Your healing is important too, and that is where you will need to put your focus on. There is something in you that cares about her as a person, no doubt, but lacks a strong sense of self. The fact that you so easily let her back into your life again and had her living with you so fast is indicative poor boundaries and good judgment on your part. Tackling that will be one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself, so you don't wind up in a similarly toxic relationship in the future.

  4. #4
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    Why do you don't this to yourself? What do you get out of someone treating you like this?

    I cannot fathom why you would be surprised my any of her behavior!

    Get some professional help. Now!

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    You are all so very right, and yes, I suppose Iím just as ďsickĒ as she is by allowing myself to be used and abused like this. Yes, sheís a very beautiful girl but her heart is black and as cold as night. I have a very comprehensive benefits package with my work and in fact she and I had gone to see a counselor which was paid for by the company. Now that sheís gone from my life I think I will continue to see this counselor to get the help I need also and to learn why I allowed this to be done to me in the first place.

    It still hurts, but hearing what all of you are telling me is helping me immensely. I had known her since she was 18, and now sheís 32. I guess I just was hoping there would be some type of change for the better on her part and that sheíd want help and take it. Obviously that was not to be, in fact, what I actually was doing in effect was enabling her to do more harm than good. She certainly cannot hit ďrock bottomĒ when sheís given a nice warm and clean home to live in, clothing and food supplied and a cell phone as well.

    Again, thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom. I need to hear this all from you very much now.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Best of luck, and I hope the counseling helps you in your healing process.

  8. #7
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    Good luck with the counseling.

    People do not change their entire personality. This is who she is, as she has shown you repeatedly. Act on the red flags next time.

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    OP i juist got back in and as you mentioned in your opening statement that you are known on here i thought i'd look back through some of the threads you started and things are even worse than i thought.

    You really need therapy if you think this relationship was worth persevering with. I mean it in the most nicest way although it may not sound it.

    Perhaps you need to ask yourself if you tried to spend your lifetime trying to fix her as a way of avoiding your issues, it's all i can think of.

    PLEASE PLEASE never stay involved with somoene like this again.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
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    Thank you. I'm trying my best but there are times I burst into tears and just sob like a child. I know how f****ed up it all was and is, but I truly did love her and it hurts.

  11. #10
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    What do you love about her? And, when will you start to love yourself?

    When are you going to block her from your life?

    How many times does she have to disrespect, cheat and lie, before you cut the cord?

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