Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 5 of 6 FirstFirst ... 23456 LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 52

Thread: This hurts like hell, even though I know itís for the best

  1. #41
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,081
    Originally Posted by bdwiii
    Actually that post from 2006 was someone else but point taken. Yeah, I'm doing what I have to do to clear my head of this and it'll pass, it's just a bit fresh right now. But yeah, I've learned my lesson.
    It has been 14 years of this mess.

    What are you mourning? The drama, pain and chaos?

  2. #42
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,808
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by bdwiii
    But yeah, I've learned my lesson.
    No, you haven't.

    And I say that with affection for you, a guy on your side feeling for you. You see the lesson, but you have yet to learn it. Acknowledge that, rather than get ahead of yourself by telling a story that is more palpable than reality.

    Easy metaphor to make a point, under the circumstances: every junkie has seen the lesson that heroin offers. They saw it before they tried it, then really saw once they got hooked. Hence: there is nothing every junkie hates more than heroin, and yet. But those that learn it? Those are the ones who quitónot for a week, not for a few months, but who give it up. That is learning a lesson. You have to live it to have learned it.

    You have, let's say, 2 years until you can even utter the phrase, "I've learned my lesson." Great! That gives you some 700 plus days to engage in the wonderful human activity known as learning rather than the less wonderful human activity known as peacocking about things they've yet to truly learn. New steps in a new direction. Reflection in therapy. More new steps. And so on. It's a process, just like kicking drugs is a process, and you have to embrace the process, not the results, not the prize.

    Your deep-seeded obsession with "the prize" is your Achilles' heel, you see? Some part of you made her the prize, as you're now making "not her" the prize. No. Too reductive. Same coin, different side. Same paradigm. You need a whole new coin, a whole new paradigm, and that doesn't come from a quick lick of heartache and the epiphanies that follow. It comes from digging in, hard, and accepting that, right now, you can only see the faintest outlines of the lesson you're trying to learn.

    You come across here as very self-aware. Good stuff, that. But wasted if not enriched into action, into change. So far you've used your self-awareness to enable your bad habits, rather than to make new habits, to sidestep change. This is the ego, learning to see it in its entirety so it can't tug the reigns too hard. So get big, right now, by getting tiny. Look in the mirror and see a guy who can see the lessons he wants to learn, and then commit to learning them.

    Question: Do you do anything in your life that delivers a thrill? I mean, there are so many better ways to taste the edge than with women like this. I've got three motorcycles I ride, making picking up a loaf of bread feel like a scene from Blade Runner. I might die on the thingóI get that. I need that feeling, though, to keep myself balanced. So it goes: plenty like me revving throttles across the world; it ain't special. But in that there is personal agencyóa safe, closed system of dangeróthat allows for safe, sincere human relationships rather than relationships that are ridden like busted motorcycles around hairpin turns. Because there is no joy in thatóonly danger and hurt.

    Not sure any of that resonates. Sorry for this chapter, and for the health troubles. Time to get truly radical and start taking care of yourself.

  3. #43
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    150
    Gender
    Male
    You're right bluecastle, it's going to take time and no it isn't learned overnight. It is indeed a process that I must undertake and put into action. You'll get no argument here at all because everything you said is spot on and very well put. I've done plenty in my life that derives a thrill. I too emjoyed the thrill of riding my motorcycle (a Yamaha 750 Maxim that I bought in 1982) I rode just like you for sixteen years in all types of weather, as long as the roads were clear, I rode. I gave that up though because too many of my friends were dying in accidents from riding. The greatest thrill of my life however was working as a salvage diver off the north coast of the Dominican Republic in 1979. My full name is Burt D. Webber, III (which explains my handle bdwiii) my father is a renown Treasure Hunter also by the name of Burt D. Webber, Jr. who found the wreck of the Concepcion in 1978-79. I started SCUBA diving for him at the tender age of 14, and I've done it until the summer of 2009. You can see his latest book which just came out and is available on Amazon. Here's the link. https://www.amazon.com/Master-Spanish-Main-T-Armstrong/dp/1090677839/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=burt+webber&qid=1571082110&sr= 8-1

    There's a mystique about working 8-12 hours underwater on a seven mile coral reef 80 miles north of the Dominican Republic. It's an experience that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still love diving and will go down to the Caribbean every chance I get health permitting to do it. Here are some pictures of that experience.

    [Register to see the link] [Register to see the link] [Register to see the link] [Register to see the link] [Register to see the link] the skinny kid wearing the daisy duke shorts was me. I was 19 years old then. What I want to do, and am going to do is go back down to the Dominican Republic for a little while and do some diving and just sit on the beach, drink rum, and stare out at the south Caribbean Sea.



    Last edited by bdwiii; 10-14-2019 at 05:30 PM.

  4. #44
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    150
    Gender
    Male
    Hollyj, as painful as it is to admit, you're right. Because that's all it was for 14 years. Enough is enough.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,654
    Gender
    Male
    This is a public forum, so don't put any of this here:
    Originally Posted by bdwiii
    My full name is ....

  7. #46
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    150
    Gender
    Male
    I don't mind it unless it's against the rules? I've got nothing to hide.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,081
    Originally Posted by wiseman2
    this is a public forum, so don't put any of this here:
    lol jb...........

  9. #48
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    136
    Originally Posted by bdwiii
    Ninjabib, thank you, and i do value your opinion and what you're saying is dead on. I know how messed up it is, and how messed up I am emoitionally to allow someone to hurt and abuse me like that. I guess I thought if I loved her enough, showed her enough how much I cared she'd change and we could be happy. Yeah, right. I know, severe codependency issues and I was told it probably stems from my childhood as a fear of abandonment. The ones that would be good for me are unappealing, and seem boring, but I gravitate towards the toxic and abusive ones because I'm still trying to "fix" something that I didn't get so long ago. In any case, it still hurts, and the wound is still very fresh. She's already resorted to abusive texts from his cell phone this afternoon. I of course didn't respond to them.
    She's probably pretty hot right? That's the thing if you want to get honest with yourself. When we find someone who's more attractive than we're used to getting, it's like a drug. And you'll put up with all kinds of crazy to get it. You probably don't love her as much as you think. You're physically attracted to her and that's where all the emotions come from. But let it go. Looks fade, and then you'll be stuck with an a-hole. I've dated girls who were out of my league and I always ended up paying for it in one way or another. Just find someone who's cute and has their together.

  10. #49
    Bronze Member bdwiii's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    150
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Blank State
    She's probably pretty hot right? That's the thing if you want to get honest with yourself. When we find someone who's more attractive than we're used to getting, it's like a drug. And you'll put up with all kinds of crazy to get it. You probably don't love her as much as you think. You're physically attracted to her and that's where all the emotions come from. But let it go. Looks fade, and then you'll be stuck with an a-hole. I've dated girls who were out of my league and I always ended up paying for it in one way or another. Just find someone who's cute and has their together.

    Yeah, she's very hot and yeah, you're right when you look beyond that, there's nothing else to want or love. Because she's an ugly human being.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,654
    Gender
    Male
    She'll be popular in jail, no?
    Originally Posted by bdwiii
    Yeah, she's very hot and yeah, you're right when you look beyond that, there's nothing else to want or love. Because she's an ugly human being.

Page 5 of 6 FirstFirst ... 23456 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •