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My husband just doesn’t please me


Nikki89

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I’ll start with a little back story since I’m new to this site. I met my husband when I was 19. I’ll be 30 in a couple of months so we have been together nearly 11 years and married almost 9. Before we started dating I had been in a very abusive relationship where I was forced to do a lot of things sexually whenever he wanted me to. This pretty much completely turned me against sex because he was so aggressive with me. I was afraid to even mess around with a guy for a long time because I was afraid it would end up like that.

 

So basically when I met my husband and things got serious he knew kind of what I had been through. He knew I wasn’t very interested in giving or receiving oral sex because that’s when most of my abuse took place. He also understood that he needed to go slow with me and be understanding if I told him to stop. He was very gentle our first time. I was so afraid of being hurt that I don’t think I even cared if I enjoyed it at the time. I was just happy to have gotten through it and he seemed happy so I was happy. Instead of dealing with my issues I just kind of settled for this kind of sex life for a while.

 

We eventually got more comfortable and I started to get more into it and wanted to try oral with him which made him extremely happy. I wasn’t ready yet to have him do the same for me so I kind of told him I didn’t enjoy it just so he wouldn’t press the issue because I was too uncomfortable with it. He was very good with his hands though so it wasn’t like I didn’t get anything from it.

 

Over the years he always just stuck to the rules I gave him and even when I’ve tried to introduce new or exciting things into our sex life he doesn’t want to stray from the basics because he says he’s afraid of triggering me ( which happened a lot in the beginning) but it’s been 11 years! I’m 100% comfortable with him and have grown to enjoy sex a lot instead of fear it but I can’t even get him to go down on me now. I hint at it but he just doesn’t get it. He sticks to the same moves and the same positions. When I try to do something a little more exciting he tells me I don’t have to do that. Even when I tell him I want to it’s like he doesn’t believe me. In the beginning I’m guilty of trying things just to try to make him happy and he would always seem to know when I was doing that and he’d tell me I didn’t need to do things to make him happy but now he doesn’t get that it’s me that I’m trying to make happy!

 

Our sex life is seriously so boring and so predictable. I’ve tried so hard to change it but I honestly just end up watching porn and playing with myself every chance that I get just to relieve some of the sexual frustration.

 

I guess what I need to know is how do I talk to him and get him to understand that I want things spiced up and that I’m going to be alright with it? How do I get him to understand that I’m not that person anymore??

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Have you two considered seeing a therapist together about this?

 

I think some good professional guidance is in order at this point, given how long this has been going on. You don't want it to create a wall of resentment between you two, and since the emotions attached to your situation are delicate, a qualified and experienced third party might be the best way to navigate all of this.

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He sounds too traumatized too try something. Understand that your trauma had a ripple effect.

 

I agree completely with this.

 

You say you have been with him since 19 and you were afraid to mess with a guy for a ‘long time’ well unless this sexual abuse was during adolescence, how could it have possibly been a long time?

 

It’s been a long time now and you’ve healed now by laying your burdens on him.

 

You can’t blame him for your choice to include him in your trauma.

 

I think you two should seek therapy, you maybe should alone first.

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Yes, marital therapy could help you talk things out. Also speak up . You put so many red and yellow flashing lights on him in the past, it' up to you to give a very clear very explicit green light.

Over the years he always just stuck to the rules I gave him and even when I’ve tried to introduce new or exciting things into our sex life he doesn’t want to stray from the basics because he says he’s afraid of triggering me ( which happened a lot in the beginning) but it’s been 11 years! I’m 100% comfortable with him and have grown to enjoy sex a lot instead of fear it but I can’t even get him to go down on me now. I hint at it but he just doesn’t get it.

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Over the years he always just stuck to the rules I gave him and even when I’ve tried to introduce new or exciting things into our sex life he doesn’t want to stray from the basics because he says he’s afraid of triggering me ( which happened a lot in the beginning) but it’s been 11 years!

 

your reactions must have been very extreme. He is coming from a place of love and he knows what happens the last time he tried something different. I would definitely recommend therapy - for you so that he can see you go and have some relief that you are actually working through these things and go to couples therapy and say "i love you, but i would like to work through things so we can try some new things and you won't be afraid of triggering me and i will no longer be triggered".

 

The time to ask to try something new sexually is NOT in the middle of sex or as foreplay or leading up to it, its at a totally sober time when you are just having a pleasant lunch.

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Maybe you ought to tell him exactly what you've told us and let the chips fall where they may. I would leave out the part about you being bored and that you are over compensating with porn and self pleasure though.

 

You have to be open and honest while assuring him that you love him and that if anything the two of you experiment in triggers you, you will let him know immediately and set up a 'safe word' that will alert him that you need to stop.

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When you are sharing with him what you want, are you in bed in the middle of things?

Try having an frank discussion with him at the dinner table instead.

 

He may be thinking that in the moment you are just trying to please him and he's telling you you don't need to. And then everything gets lost in the mix.

 

People respond well to being asked for something that will make you happy. Tell him what you want, not what causes you disappointment.

But have this conversation out of bed so he'll take you seriously. Ask him questions and listen to what he has to say.

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