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Thread: My husband just doesnít please me

  1. #1

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    My husband just doesnít please me

    Iíll start with a little back story since Iím new to this site. I met my husband when I was 19. Iíll be 30 in a couple of months so we have been together nearly 11 years and married almost 9. Before we started dating I had been in a very abusive relationship where I was forced to do a lot of things sexually whenever he wanted me to. This pretty much completely turned me against sex because he was so aggressive with me. I was afraid to even mess around with a guy for a long time because I was afraid it would end up like that.

    So basically when I met my husband and things got serious he knew kind of what I had been through. He knew I wasnít very interested in giving or receiving oral sex because thatís when most of my abuse took place. He also understood that he needed to go slow with me and be understanding if I told him to stop. He was very gentle our first time. I was so afraid of being hurt that I donít think I even cared if I enjoyed it at the time. I was just happy to have gotten through it and he seemed happy so I was happy. Instead of dealing with my issues I just kind of settled for this kind of sex life for a while.

    We eventually got more comfortable and I started to get more into it and wanted to try oral with him which made him extremely happy. I wasnít ready yet to have him do the same for me so I kind of told him I didnít enjoy it just so he wouldnít press the issue because I was too uncomfortable with it. He was very good with his hands though so it wasnít like I didnít get anything from it.

    Over the years he always just stuck to the rules I gave him and even when Iíve tried to introduce new or exciting things into our sex life he doesnít want to stray from the basics because he says heís afraid of triggering me ( which happened a lot in the beginning) but itís been 11 years! Iím 100% comfortable with him and have grown to enjoy sex a lot instead of fear it but I canít even get him to go down on me now. I hint at it but he just doesnít get it. He sticks to the same moves and the same positions. When I try to do something a little more exciting he tells me I donít have to do that. Even when I tell him I want to itís like he doesnít believe me. In the beginning Iím guilty of trying things just to try to make him happy and he would always seem to know when I was doing that and heíd tell me I didnít need to do things to make him happy but now he doesnít get that itís me that Iím trying to make happy!

    Our sex life is seriously so boring and so predictable. Iíve tried so hard to change it but I honestly just end up watching porn and playing with myself every chance that I get just to relieve some of the sexual frustration.

    I guess what I need to know is how do I talk to him and get him to understand that I want things spiced up and that Iím going to be alright with it? How do I get him to understand that Iím not that person anymore??

  2. #2
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    Have you two considered seeing a therapist together about this?

    I think some good professional guidance is in order at this point, given how long this has been going on. You don't want it to create a wall of resentment between you two, and since the emotions attached to your situation are delicate, a qualified and experienced third party might be the best way to navigate all of this.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Rising100's Avatar
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    Talk to him, open up and improve communication in the relationship.
    Stop watching porn.
    See a therapist together.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    He sounds too traumatized too try something. Understand that your trauma had a ripple effect.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    He sounds too traumatized too try something. Understand that your trauma had a ripple effect.
    I agree completely with this.

    You say you have been with him since 19 and you were afraid to mess with a guy for a Ďlong timeí well unless this sexual abuse was during adolescence, how could it have possibly been a long time?

    Itís been a long time now and youíve healed now by laying your burdens on him.

    You canít blame him for your choice to include him in your trauma.

    I think you two should seek therapy, you maybe should alone first.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I agree with the others, therapy will help.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, marital therapy could help you talk things out. Also speak up . You put so many red and yellow flashing lights on him in the past, it' up to you to give a very clear very explicit green light.
    Originally Posted by Nikki89
    Over the years he always just stuck to the rules I gave him and even when Iíve tried to introduce new or exciting things into our sex life he doesnít want to stray from the basics because he says heís afraid of triggering me ( which happened a lot in the beginning) but itís been 11 years! Iím 100% comfortable with him and have grown to enjoy sex a lot instead of fear it but I canít even get him to go down on me now. I hint at it but he just doesnít get it.

  9. #8
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    Over the years he always just stuck to the rules I gave him and even when Iíve tried to introduce new or exciting things into our sex life he doesnít want to stray from the basics because he says heís afraid of triggering me ( which happened a lot in the beginning) but itís been 11 years!


    your reactions must have been very extreme. He is coming from a place of love and he knows what happens the last time he tried something different. I would definitely recommend therapy - for you so that he can see you go and have some relief that you are actually working through these things and go to couples therapy and say "i love you, but i would like to work through things so we can try some new things and you won't be afraid of triggering me and i will no longer be triggered".

    The time to ask to try something new sexually is NOT in the middle of sex or as foreplay or leading up to it, its at a totally sober time when you are just having a pleasant lunch.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    He sounds like an amazing Husband who has stuck with your boundaries for 11 years.
    You must realise that he is so scared of changing things up & hurting you.
    As the others have said, professional help sounds like the best solution to this issue

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Maybe you ought to tell him exactly what you've told us and let the chips fall where they may. I would leave out the part about you being bored and that you are over compensating with porn and self pleasure though.

    You have to be open and honest while assuring him that you love him and that if anything the two of you experiment in triggers you, you will let him know immediately and set up a 'safe word' that will alert him that you need to stop.

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