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Thread: Sister had an affair with my ex 3 years ago, how do I let go of it

  1. #1
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    Sister had an affair with my ex 3 years ago, how do I let go of it

    I used to have an extremely abusive ex boyfriend, we broke up about 3 years ago. We were together for a year, and during that year he hung out a lot with my sister and I because we were neighbours.

    During our relationship, he cheated on me with a multitude of people including my sister. My sister claims that my ex sexually assaulted her while she was asleep. She only told me this one year after the breakup. When I confronted my ex, my sister kept chiding me to stop texting my ex and I found out they were texting behind my back about the situation. I told my sister that we should go to law enforcement to press charges against him, she refused and told me that it was for my own self fulfilment to get revenge, which really upset me as in my heart I wanted justice for what he has done to her but the fact that she saw it as me wanting to seek revenge on him for cheating on me, really just made me wonder what exactly was going on between him and her. I later found out that they were having consensual relations and ever since then I had a difficult relationship with my sister. The worst of it all, she blamed me for the ďsexual assaultĒ, and told me it was my fault for exposing her to him. This really upset me and made me feel very depressed, guilty and powerless over the situation.

    Because I have been away from college since the breakup, I had managed to avoid seeing or interacting with my sister. This helped me to heal from the bad PTSD the relationship gave me, and to move on. However, because of the coronavirus lockdown in my country, I have been seeing her every day and recently Iíve been getting nightmares and flashbacks about my sister and my ex.

    I used to be close to my sister, she has now turned into someone I donít know anymore and I just canít reconcile the sweet girl she used to be, with who she is now.

    The worst of all of this is that my parents are oblivious to the entire situation and blame me for getting into an abusive relationship, not knowing the pain and trauma I have to suffer because of it. I feel like I should let my parents know the truth of the situation, especially my dad because I am close to him and he is my best friend. I feel like I have no where to turn to, as everyone will blame the abusive relationship and its aftermath on me.

    It has been 3 years already, how do I move on from all this pain and suffering? How do I let go? I really donít see myself having a proper relationship with my sister until she admits her faults and apologises.

  2. #2
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    I'm really sorry, OP. Your sister sounds like a complete jerk. I realize she is family but family members can be very toxic people as well. She is one of them.

    Is it possible to seek counseling, perhaps even online, under the current circumstances? It might help you work through some of your pain and learn some ways to cope when it feels overwhelming. It sounds like you're suffering a lot and could use some neutral, compassionate guidance.

    As for telling your parents, it's concerning that they blame you for getting into an abusive relationship. What have they said or done to make you feel that way? You also say your dad is your best friend so I am wondering how you reconcile that with also being blamed for the abuse.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Abusers usually isolate and alienate you from friends, family, coworkers and any type of support. Therapy would help you unpack and sort out all this particularly the deal with your sister.
    Originally Posted by lovely2131
    I used to have an extremely abusive ex boyfriend, we broke up about 3 years ago.
    During our relationship, he cheated on me with a multitude of people including my sister.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    There is online one on one therapy available. Try that.

    Whatever your parents think or your sister, that's done and over with...they have moved on already. You are the only on who hasn't. Your sister hasn't change much, but your personal impression of her has. Change your perspective and getting past this. You can't change the past, but you can change your view of it...learn, forgive and move on. You have carried this baggage around way too long.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Choose either complete estrangement from your sister or enforce healthy boundaries with her meaning limit contact, don't see her often and do the bare minimum for peace's sake between you and her.

    As for expecting apologies from others, NEVER do that otherwise you'll feel forever disappointed, unhappy, hurt and pained. I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way. You can't control people, demand, command nor extract apologies from them. They'll either deny it, lie to you, gaslight you (google "gaslighting), deflect blame onto YOU, call you mentally ill, block you, hang up on you in the middle of a phone conversation, walk out on you and play all those nasty tricks on you. It's nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before!

    Don't get hurt anymore. Play your cards smart. People will never change for you. They are who they are. The only control you have is governing your own life and changing your own trajectory regarding new dynamics which YOU enforce. You steer the ship from now on. This is what boundaries are or some people have to resort to estrangement in order to have peace, feel safe and protected.

    Change the way you think and you'll feel stronger and empowered. Your self confidence will soar.

    Everyone was sweet once upon a time. People change due to whom they were in contact with, had a relationship with, married, other times it was how they were raised, who their influences were whether during childhood or adulthood and they're not the same today. Bad people became corrupt and tainted.

    Don't look back to how a bad person was good back in the day because it doesn't matter.

    Figure out a new direction in your life and this is how you heal and become smarter. Wisdom comes from pain. You can either do the "woe is me" or outsmart people. Choose the latter. And, never reveal what you're doing. You can be passive aggressive while they don't know what you're doing. Keep quiet and remain silent. Actions speak louder than words.

    Withdraw from people's lives without making excuses nor explanations. No means no. This is what I do and it's wonderfully freeing. There is peace galore, no one bothers me anymore and there's mutual respect. My mantra is: "I won't bother you but you'd better not bother me either!" Don't say this but you can think this: "Get out of my life and stay out of my life!"

    Be tough.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How old was sis 3 years ago, and how long ago was she in contact with him?

  8. #7
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    Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it.

  9. #8
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    The thing is, my sister was under aged. She was 15, so I think its considered statutory rape. I was 18, I wanted to report this to the police but she told me I wanted to do it for my own personal gain, which I felt very hurt by.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Choose either complete estrangement from your sister or enforce healthy boundaries with her meaning limit contact, don't see her often and do the bare minimum for peace's sake between you and her.

    As for expecting apologies from others, NEVER do that otherwise you'll feel forever disappointed, unhappy, hurt and pained. I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way. You can't control people, demand, command nor extract apologies from them. They'll either deny it, lie to you, gaslight you (google "gaslighting), deflect blame onto YOU, call you mentally ill, block you, hang up on you in the middle of a phone conversation, walk out on you and play all those nasty tricks on you. It's nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before!

    Don't get hurt anymore. Play your cards smart. People will never change for you. They are who they are. The only control you have is governing your own life and changing your own trajectory regarding new dynamics which YOU enforce. You steer the ship from now on. This is what boundaries are or some people have to resort to estrangement in order to have peace, feel safe and protected.

    Change the way you think and you'll feel stronger and empowered. Your self confidence will soar.

    Everyone was sweet once upon a time. People change due to whom they were in contact with, had a relationship with, married, other times it was how they were raised, who their influences were whether during childhood or adulthood and they're not the same today. Bad people became corrupt and tainted.

    Don't look back to how a bad person was good back in the day because it doesn't matter.

    Figure out a new direction in your life and this is how you heal and become smarter. Wisdom comes from pain. You can either do the "woe is me" or outsmart people. Choose the latter. And, never reveal what you're doing. You can be passive aggressive while they don't know what you're doing. Keep quiet and remain silent. Actions speak louder than words.

    Withdraw from people's lives without making excuses nor explanations. No means no. This is what I do and it's wonderfully freeing. There is peace galore, no one bothers me anymore and there's mutual respect. My mantra is: "I won't bother you but you'd better not bother me either!" Don't say this but you can think this: "Get out of my life and stay out of my life!"

    Be tough.
    I would just like to say this is excellent advice and I will try my best to live like this.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I'm really sorry, OP. Your sister sounds like a complete jerk. I realize she is family but family members can be very toxic people as well. She is one of them.

    Is it possible to seek counseling, perhaps even online, under the current circumstances? It might help you work through some of your pain and learn some ways to cope when it feels overwhelming. It sounds like you're suffering a lot and could use some neutral, compassionate guidance.

    As for telling your parents, it's concerning that they blame you for getting into an abusive relationship. What have they said or done to make you feel that way? You also say your dad is your best friend so I am wondering how you reconcile that with also being blamed for the abuse.
    The thing is, I usually go for therapy but because my country is on lockdown, my therapist is closed because therapy for some reason is not considered an essential service....

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