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Thread: Husband is cheating on me, dealing with moving on.

  1. #1

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    Husband is cheating on me, dealing with moving on.

    This is more of rant/acceptance of my relationship situation. I been in a toxic relationship for a while, and I was kind of aware of it, but too stubborn and afraid to walk out of it. I (F, 30s) been married for 5 years, this was the first serious relationship I had and we have known each other for a long time. The mistake was I went into this marriage without really knowing what I want, I did it because of love. I have childhood trauma, a bit of low self esteem and an introvert, but I didn't want any of those to impact me. I'm generally a positive person, I guess that's what attracted my husband to me, that I was laid back and deeply care about others. My husband was an affectionate person, has a good heart when it comes to others. But he suffers from extreme low self esteem, even self hatred sometimes. And he's very vulnerable to other toxic people, alot of times he takes pity and go out of his way for them but they end up taking advantage of it.

    I been his support for alot of things, I wanted him to be happy. But we do have our differences, like I care about finance and planning for the future, he prioritize happiness at the moment. As the years go by, certain problems created tension in our relationship, like his financial support towards his sudden dependent family members in another county, his drinking problems, stress from his work, my lack of intimacy, etc. There were many times I wanted out, because there were abuse. I always tried to be the bigger person, hoping that whatever happens, we'll both be in the best situation in the end. When he was at the low points of his life, I couldn't abandon him, and that created many unhealthy patterns. He doesnít really have anyone close for emotional support.

    Iím trying to work more on myself now, and taking care of myself. Weíre both very busy, his work hours can be long and his boss can be very unreasonable, but he held onto that job anyways because it pays decent. Besides my work, I also study for the CPA, so thatís my priority. I know when it comes to intimacy, I can be lacking, because I have to feel very comfortable. I also blamed it a bit on his general lack of self care, he had put on a lot of weight, he doesnít dress nicely anymore, he always says he doesnít have time.

    He has a trip coming up to visit his family in his home country for 2 weeks and will be leaving in the next few days. Last week I stumbled across some chat logs with random strangers he forgot to close, it was in his native language, but I was able to figure out he might have intentions to cheat on me when he gets there. I didnít confront him immediately, because I wanted to know for sure. The next day he was talking to someone in Skype very late in the night. When I asked, he said he was talking to his mom planning for the trip, my ears being sharp the person on the other did not sound like her. The next day I asked again, he said he was talking to his sister. I was able to guess his password into his Skype and started logging evidence. He was also using a webcam service, paying people for private shows, again I was able to hack it and see the activities and how much he might be spending. It really breaks my heart heís doing this behind my back instead of really trying to address the issue. Honestly some of the chats were just sad, he was asking one of them if she wants to be his wife and that heís thinking of leaving me because there is no intimacy, I donít know if he was being serious or not because she was in a different country. He got shut down of course. I do plan to speak to a therapist because I know I need it, and find a temporary place to stay while heís gone. I want to confront him when he comes back, and for us to both go to therapy. But ultimately I donít think this marriage is salvageable, and I have to have the courage to ask for a divorce.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    While he is away use your time to consult a lawyer and perhaps a financial advisor at your bank. This marriage is a sham. Neither of you are happy, so it's time to call it quits. If you think you need therapy, then find a therapist to go see.

  3. #3
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    You say that you do not provide him with intimacy -so he is looking for physical release on line. Not ideal, but there are worse options.

    You say he drinks, but without more detail, I have no comment on that. Same thing as to the abuse - No comment without further detail.

    Apparently he works hard; and it is a cultural norm in some Asian/Pacific countries for a man to support his wider family. Did you not know of that before you married?

    I suggest you organize the therapy now (or for straight after his return) - and you should both be working with the therapist to address the issues you each have that have led to the lack of intimacy.

    I suspect if you are able to fix that, things will not look so bleak.

    Speaking from a male point of view, if I was in a five year relationship with a lady who no longer wished to be intimate, I would have already ended it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Is it an arranged marriage? Can you divorce or leave without causing problems for yourself or your family?
    Originally Posted by eatcake
    I been in a toxic relationship for a while. his financial support towards his sudden dependent family members in another county, his drinking problems, stress from his work, my lack of intimacy, etc. There were many times I wanted out, because there were abuse. .

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  6. 12-26-2019, 11:16 AM


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