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Thread: How do I get him to reconsider the breakup?

  1. #1

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    How do I get him to reconsider the breakup?

    Hi everyone,

    So my partner of 9 years has ended the relationship. To me, it came out of the blue initially. He said ďthings donít feel the sameĒ and havenít for the past few weeks. He brought up the ďwe need to talkĒ on Wednesday 25th September. I was away on that weekend, and we met up the following Friday evening (October 4th) for him to say he hasnít changed his mind.

    To give some more background, weíve been together since I was 17 and he was 19, much of the younger years were spent with one of us in university. I broke up with him in late 2016, it was mainly due to feeling a little bored and stale in the relationship, I met someone else but after 4 months came to the realisation that he was the one I wanted and I made a big mistake. There was minimal/ no contact in that time. It took a lot of convincing, but we started again. Later that year, (2017) I had a big issue in work which he was involved in, through no fault of his own. It went into a full blown investigation with my fellow colleagues and it went on until the following year, which put a massive strain on myself. He helped me through it all, but he was keen to buy a house during this time (Summer 2018). I didnít feel quite ready, but I wanted to go along with it because I wanted to be with him. I was afraid he wouldnít want to be with me if I suggested waiting until my postgrad course was over (the end of this year).

    The investigation went on during September and I ended up being able to keep my job, but it was a very stressful time. I was also undertaking a postgraduate course with work which is extremely difficult. These factors were slowing the house buying process down, which must have upset him. Halloween night, I found out through an Instagram story he kissed someone. I forgave him but obviously that put some doubts in my mind. In late November, I decided to appeal the investigation decision, that did come with a risk of them being able to fire me again but I still went along with it and got a reduced sentence, if you will. December 2018, the house things go through. I freaked out, and on the day I text him to say ďcan I get my money back?Ē - something he mentioned during this break up. Obviously, itís a horrible thing to have said, but the way I felt about everything I just wasnít sure about moving in.

    So January comes around, he moves in - weíve painted the rooms, chosen furniture etc. I havenít moved in at this point, but I was coming round to have dinner, stay some evenings. It was a gradual process, but sometimes I would cry and say I wasnít sure about it. He offered to buy me out but that wasnít what I wanted. I eventually moved in properly by around March/early April 2019 at the latest. When I did move in properly, I felt like everything fell into place. We were happy.

    Moving on to the last few weeks, where he told me ďthings donít feel the sameĒ. Iíve had more and more uni work to do, my actual job has had more responsibilities and Iíve been questioning my confidence there. Iíve had my best friendsí hen do to organise which has been and gone now. All of those things together made me put our relationship on the back burner. I wasnít interested in sex, which I think was a big issue for him. He said the last time we went on a day trip, I seemed like I didnít enjoy myself even though I actually did. Other reasons he said was that I donít like his friends - some of them have upset me in the past but Iíve always been civil, and Iíve tried my best. His friends are getting married in NY next year, and at first I was reluctant to go due to costs etc. but I didnít see it from his point of view initially, as in seeing it as a holiday. I agreed to it in the end, and that was booked late August. He is a very logical person, and I think if he was planning on dumping me, he wouldnít have booked it as itís not cheap. Money was another issue - although Iíve sent it all over for him now, I had a lot outstanding to pay for furniture and council tax. I said Iíd get round to it, but other things would get in the way. In that sense, I definitely took him for granted and thatís something Iíll always regret. Unfortunately, we were supposed to be off work together this week coming. We were looking at last minute holidays but he claimed I said I couldnít afford it. But what he said annoyed him was that he noticed one of my friends put a Facebook status up lining up all of her holidays for next year - Ibiza being one with the girls (including me). I had mentioned it briefly to him a while back, but I didnít discuss it or ask if it was ok. Not that Iíd need permission, but just out of respect I guess. So that pissed him off knowing that was booked but I couldnít afford to do something with him. But in my eyes, we booked NY which was quite expensive.

    All in all, I think these things singularly would be forgivable and he could get over it. But together, along with dwelling on the past, I think heís cracked and thought he canít be with me. Additionally, heís starting a new job in a city around 45 minutes away. Much better salary and benefits. But with that comes greater stress and responsibility. I think heís freaking out about that too, but I told him I was looking forward to supporting him through that. He said he didnít want to hurt me, but he has to be honest cause itís not fair on me.

    What hurts is the fact that heís willing to throw away 9 years, a new lovely home together and what could be a brilliant future. Heís come to this conclusion in his head without discussing these doubts and issues before hand, with me. Iíve spoken to his mum and she said he told her heís not happy and there are serious issues. Itís just so frustrating as he did say weíd be engaged but he couldnít afford a nice ring on his current wages. I feel like heís protecting himself from hurt later down the line. I think he was extremely hurt after I broke up with him in 2016 because I donít think he thought there was anything wrong in the relationship. He said what if we have children and you changed your mind? Just seems bizarre to me. He also said heís ďemotionally checked outĒ, which was hurtful to hear. I think heís hardened his heart. I also wonder when would he have initiated the talk, because that evening we had dinner, he seemed fine. He had a sore throat and cold that week, but on the Wednesday he sounded better so I said ďcan I come a bit closer to you now? Do you still love me?Ē As a joke. And thatís when he said we need to talk. I just wonder when would he have said it if I didnít say that..

    My question to you is, how do I get round convincing him that we should be together, or at least give us an opportunity to work on the issues? We made a commitment buying the house, I know I didnít show it at first but at the end of the day we made that commitment to each other. Heís staying at the house still, Iíve moved back with my parents. Heís quite a stubborn person as well. Also my colleague is engaged to one of his close friends, so I feel like Iíll never be able to completely get closure from him if things didnít work out.

    I asked him why wouldnít he give us another try, and he said itís because it doesnít feel the same anymore. I think you can always change the way you feel with a bit of time and effort. Itís such a shame, as all of these external stressors are coming to and end, and Iíd finally be able to focus on us and our relationship. I thought after everything weíve been through, we were going to make it out the other end. He also said heís getting closer to 30, as if he was insinuating it would be difficult trying to find someone else? Thatís the impression I got. He is 28, Iím 26.

    Thank you so much for your help in advance.

  2. #2
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    You should never try to convince someone to be with you. It's devaluing yourself, and disrespecting their prerogative to end a relaitonship they no longer want.

    I realize it hurts a lot, and I understand why you want him to change his mind. However, it sounds like this break-up has been a long time coming, with a lot of significant bumps along the way. He can't forget the way he felt when you suddenly pulled out the house purchase, coupled with having broken up with him once before. You were right not to go along with it if you didn't truly want to, but you can't then be too shocked that something in his feelings for you has changed as a result. He doesn't view you as a reliable candidate for the future, and sometimes those things cannot be undone.

    Having said that, I have to wonder how much you sincerely wanted to be with him anymore as well. It reads to me like you love him, yes, but are not all that sure of a future together either and perhaps were checking out yourself. Perhaps him ending it was a big wake-up call for you, but it might also be true that you were going through the motions because you were comfortable but not that invested in him as a partner any longer. Yes, external stress is a factor, but if you're being honest with yourself, was it really the only factor that had you distancing yourself from him?

    Add to that the fact that you have been together a long time and haven't really had much experience apart from each other, I think this has run its course. I don't agree that he's throwing 9 years away, so to speak. I don't have the impression that this was a rash decision on his part. He appears to have thought about this for a while and knows this is no longer working and he's not interested enough anymore to try to work it out. I'm sorry. It will not be easy, but I think it will be for the best to let each other go.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he met someone. He's is trying to tell you he's not in love with you and sees no future, unfortunately. Make sure you get all your money back. See an attorney because all the house/furniture and money things could get ugly. Sadly you wasted your time, money and energy padding his nest for someone else. It's sad but it seems he's a bit of a user.

  4. #4
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    You can't "convince" him, he has to decide on his own.

    I would step away so he can see what life without you would be like. If you're messaging him or calling him or stopping by the house he won't feel like he's "lost" you. Let him feel it.

    There are still no guarantees, but doing things to try to get his attention or to "get" him to regret his decision will probably backfire.

    And also, hide your social media posts from him. Many people think if they post pics of themselves "having a great time" or with other guys their ex will get jealous or feel regret. It's usually the opposite. The ex will think "she's doing just fine without me, no need to feel guilty" or "look at her, making a spectacle of herself. I'm glad I got away from that".

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You have lost sight of what being a couple is all about....emotional needs and sexual needs that keep a couple connected are lost. Thatís why he feels things are not the same. Thereís no support, compassion or empathy...you have been so focused on yourself and what is going on with you, he feels a disconnect.
    My advice is to give him his space and you seek out some counseling so you can figure out why you are having commitment issues/ doubts. Hopefully by that time you both will be able work it out when you talk again.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You let him go in 2016 because you were bored, you asked for your money back and panicked after the sale of the house or while it was going through, there's no sexual chemistry or sex between the both of you and you've expressed several times panicking or not being sure moving in together was a good idea. On top of that you're not sure about taking a holiday together. How is a guy supposed to feel ok with or stable around you? The whole relationship seems to be a constant struggle. Are you sure you're not trying to convince yourself you want the married fairytale rather than facing that this guy really is not the right man for you?

    You're perfectly entitled in your misgivings if he's not the one for you. So far, as far as I can tell, he's boring and logical. Perhaps too boring and logical?

    This may be a great silver lining... very difficult to face and deal with (I feel for you) but you'll make it through. Don't keep trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. This hasn't been working for awhile.

  8. #7
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    Yes I agree with most the other posters. If I were him I wouldnt be feing very safe or secure in the relationship.

    7 years in you got a bit bored and walked out and entered a new relationship for 4 months until you decided that you didn't like that one either and wanted to come back. Personally I could not take you back after doing that to me.

    He then tried to buy a house for you both, again you throw it back in his face at the last minute. I would say this is the straw that broke the camels back. If I were him I'd be thinking what is the point in trying with you and does she even love me at all?


    I think you need to be honest with yourself here. Do you deep down feel in love with him or are you just scared of losing him now he's had enough and walked away?

    I think he's done and you should respect his wishes to be left alone.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Never grovel because it's pathetic and you need to give yourself self-respect.

    It wasn't meant to be and there are other plans for your life. It's not unusual to go through several or many people in your life before you find "thee one."

    I'm sorry for your painful heartbreak. Someday, you will say that time healed all of your old wounds. Your day in the sun will come again. Remain patient and have faith. Stay strong.

  10. #9
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    I agree with the others who said that your doubts and ambivalent actions finally got to him in a last straw kind of way. You donít get to choose when your ďvictim ď will experience the hurt and decide heís had enough. Might seem random to you and maybe even to him but Iíve seen situations where the a ha moment is delayed and there might be the smallest of triggers or events that precede that moment. Iím not saying you were abusive or mistreated him and I am saying too many of your actions were not consistent with being in a committed relationship. Iím sorry you are disappointed.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The lack of sex, the fighting, the break up and then trying to get back together and make it how it used to be but it never was.
    Him getting a new job, the stress of it. You've outlined many reasons why you just became further and further apart as a couple and why it's gotten to be how it is now.

    It is fixable? I honestly don't think so. I think you have both outgrown one another and he sounds very certain that it's over. Especially if he is saying he is almost 30.
    That to me tells me that he has thought long and hard about this and wants to be done with it so he can find someone else before he get's too old.

    Somehow you have to make peace with it being over.

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