Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Breaking up with someone you love, please help

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    20

    Breaking up with someone you love, please help

    So the last time I left a thread was when my bf and I broke up (I dumped him) and then we were on and off about getting back together.

    The first time I broke up with him was because be wasn't opening up to me and the product of that was I felt that he was distant, that he didn't care.

    He lied about his whereabouts, he wouldn't make time for me, he barely ever initiated sex. And he had nothing going on for him career wise.
    We were together for almost a year and I decided to end it because I wasn't happy.

    After that, he kept coming back trying to win me over. And after two months, we decided to try again. This time around (the past 4 months) have been amazing . He was the perfect boyfriend (almost). He opened up, showed me his real loving emotions towards me. He was everything I ever dreamt a boyfriend to be.

    He still didn't have a career, he is currently going through the process of getting one (interviewing and stuff).

    But deep down, I feel different.

    When he talks about us getting moving out, I no longer get excited.

    When he talks about us getting married, I don't feel like I want that.

    I am in my early twenties and I'm doing well in my career. And sometimes, I find myself thinking "what if" about a lot of guys, more than usual. I even kind of met someone who interests me (although I haven't pursued it).

    I love my boyfriend, I care about him, whenever I'm around him all I want to do is kiss him. I love spending time with him. Every time we are together, I have a good time.

    But I don't think I love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

    I keep telling myself it's time to break up, because he doesn't deserve someone like me.

    But part of me doesn't want to let go of someone so incredible, and I keep telling myself maybe I can learn to love him more and accept him as the person ill marry. And sometimes, I feel almost trapped in this relationship, wanting freedom to be single, and maybe even meet someone else. I feel like I've changed since we started dating. Part of me that I never knew before just wants to be single and enjoy doing me for a bit.

    I feel so sad, I'm not sure what to do (although I feel like the most obvious answer is to break up). I just can't imagine hurting him again. He doesn't deserve pain.

    But I keep thinking that I'm making a huge mistake.

    Please give me any advice, or personal anecdote that might help me figure what to do with this mess.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,795
    Let him go so another woman can love him properly.

    You keeping around when you have all these doubts is selfish and wrong.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    5,997
    Gender
    Female
    You dont really want to be with him, and trying to convince yourself that you do will not work. Dont ever settle for someone you dont really want. You are too young to be wanting to settle down with anyone yet, there's plenty of time to date and meet new guys.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,659
    Gender
    Female
    maybe I can learn to love him more and accept him as the person ill marry. And sometimes, I feel almost trapped in this relationship, wanting freedom to be single, and maybe even meet someone else.

    Do you think he would really want to stay with you if he knew of these feelings? And people's work ethics usually are what they are, and don't change on a dime. You're not happy with his low work ethic. That would be a constant frustration for your entire relationship. That's one point I can say I dealt with with my first husband, who made really stupid decisions to lose jobs and to not pull his weight. That was only one upon many reasons I divorced him.

    He hurt you by lying to you when together, and not making you a priority the first time around. And now you will hurt him by breaking up, so call it even. He will learn something from this experience, just as you have. You can't stay with someone just because their feelings will be hurt with a breakup. He will eventually move on and his life will go on without you. You've outgrown this relationship, so accept that and begin the next chapter of your life.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,352
    Gender
    Female
    I think that the drama of the last breakup clouds your thinking.

    Breakups, even when necessary cause uncomfortable emotions.

    Sometimes we reconcile, not because we are a good fit, but more so you just want to put an end to the bad feelings.

    Now that that's releaved and things have settled, you find yourself with someone who is still not the good fit as he was to begin with.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,285
    You are far too young to be convincing yourself to stay in a relationship that has clearly run its course.

    When I was in my early 20s, I broke it off with my then-boyfriend after 5 years together, 3 of those living together. I too had been having doubts for a while and was no longer excited by talk of the future together. There were some issues between us, though nothing terribly serious. He did try to meet me in the middle, but only after I had talked to him a few times about the changes I thought needed to be made. By then, it was too late. My feelings about him had changed so much. I am not convinced it would have made much difference in light of the fact that I was still very young and not ready to commit forever, to be honest. But it was time to let him go.

    I felt awful hurting him. That tugged at my heart-strings something fierce. It was still the right choice though. It's been over 15 years since then and I can truly say I never regretted ending it. We both move on long ago. He is now married with kids, as far as my small-town grapevine knows. You and he will both move on too.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,691
    I was in that situation more than once. I almost married two of those men, came close to getting engaged to yet another -and I did marry one of them -but many years later after we'd both changed/evolved and I knew I was not settling -in fact, the opposite. It is selfish or at least self-absorbed and I'll say in my defense that I loved those men, I tried to twist myself into a pretzel to "make it work" tried to ignore the major doubts but they kept rearing their ugly head. Sometimes I was crushing on someone else, sometimes there was the dream of someone else and no I did not cheat/behave inappropriately (I did date other people during the times we were broken up or on a break).

    You sure might love him -but love is not enough. For me the personal standard is that you should be reasonably sure AND excited about the person you plan to marry/be with long term. Reasonably sure - yes, many people get some jitters, momentary cold feet, minor doubts but the core of the two of you should be strong enough to withstand those fleeting doubts, those moments when you're upset and the love/spark seems to be gone - because you know deep in your heart and soul that you're right together, that everything will be all right, that you two know how to revive the spark as needed. That's my standard. Figure out yours but make sure it doesn't involve settling.

  9. #8
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    682
    Gender
    Male
    For both your sakes let him go. He sounds like a good guy. He will meet someone who deserves him sooner rather than later.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,507
    Gender
    Male
    You don't belong together and deep down you know this. Set both yourselves free from this on/off torture and relationship sham.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,563
    OP, this guy does not have a degree. How is anything different? This is who he is. Find someone who you are compatible with, or you will only resent him.

    Move on!

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •