My partner shuts down in arguments

hi I’m 20 and would really like some advice on this I feel like my relationship is crumbling, this is a bit lengthy so I apologise..

My partner shuts himself out emotionally during arguments which in turn Is shutting himself out of the good parts in our relationship as well.

If I feel no connection or love when I’m feeling very highly emotional and hurt then when we are good I still feel very uncared for and worthless to him,

Him being so defensive and distant when I’m upset is tearing our relationship apart, I can’t ever get through to him no matter if I stay calm, get angry or even just show my emotion by simply crying lightly and saying my thoughts out loud

Even if I’m calm and just ask normal questions about something I’m worried about, he immediately pins me as this horrible untrusting person

I can’t do anything right

He doesn’t respond to anything i say he just wants to ignore problems and have things his way

My feelings feel so invalid and it isn’t fair, I deserve to feel valued by my boyfriend he’s meant to be the one person who loves me unconditionally and deeply

But I feel no deep connection anymore I can’t connect with him at all if there’s no emotion from him.

He tells me to shut up when I’m crying or tells me to f-off when I ask him to respond to anything I’m saying

Even when we’re being ‘lovey’ it’s only, I miss you or I love you, where is the deep connection two people in love are supposed to have?

We are long distance and it’s hard enough to solve problems in person let alone on the phone, but in person it’s no better as he still acts as if I’m a stranger crying in front of him.

I really am at my wits end here I have no idea what to do, has he just turned cold on me?

Why do you stay with someone that makes you feel:

when we are good I still feel very uncared for and worthless to him

You have to ask yourself what keeps you there and if you tell yourself "because I love him" then you need to have a better reason then that because loving someone isn't enough. Loving someone that doesn't show you that he values you is like investing in a stock that is worthless... It makes no sense and staying in that type of situation is a very unloving thing to be doing to YOURSELF.

 

So: Why do you stay with someone that isn't showing you that he values you?

Why are you still with him?

You are with the wrong man. You need to dump him.

 

Be with a man who knows how to behave like a decent human being. Everyone else is nothing but a REJECT.

If he's closed off during arguments, it won't ever change. That's something you either have to get used to or decide that you can't, and end the relationship.

 

He tells me to shut up when I’m crying or tells me to f-off when I ask him to respond to anything I’m saying

 

As for this behavior, that's straight out abuse. Why do you stay with a man who is this bad to you?

It seems like this has reached it's limit because it has too much working against it. LDRs are hard and he may want a local physical connection so talking and crying can get very old very fast.

 

You as well would be a lot happier seeing someone local and enjoying your 20s dating in real life more than being tethered to a phone.

We are long distance and it’s hard enough to solve problems in person let alone on the phone, but in person it’s no better as he still acts as if I’m a stranger crying in front of him. I have no idea what to do, has he just turned cold on me?

Hi thankyou for all your responses, the reason I find it hard to leave him is because we’ve been together since high school, 5 years of quite a lot of history if that explains a bit more as to why I find it so hard to end over this

There's an unhealthy cycle there. Don't put yourself in situations where you feel demoralized and unloved. It triggers unwanted emotions that you can't stem and it puts a burden on someone else to validate your emotions and soothe you. You'll have to learn to mitigate those types of situations and self-soothe a lot better. This means being more mature in your choices: whom you choose to associate with and enter relationships with and how you conduct yourself in those relationships.

 

Don't look for validation in unreliable places and don't seek validation unless it's absolutely necessary. If you're looking for a reaction from your partner by crying it's not a good idea. Learn to tell the difference between whom you can trust and whom you cannot trust. It starts with respect for each other. I don't think you both are doing that very well. Start from the ground up where the ground, the very foundation, should be mutual respect.

Hi thankyou for all your responses, the reason I find it hard to leave him is because we’ve been together since high school, 5 years of quite a lot of history if that explains a bit more as to why I find it so hard to end over this

 

Like I said, if you keep investing in a stock that isn't giving you anything in return then you are going to lose everything. The length of time you've been together means NOTHING. In time and with a bit of personal therapy to help you regain your self-esteem that he has been whittling away at for those five years will get you your personal power back so that you can find someone worth being with.

 

Don't be afraid to leave but if you are, then get the therapy first and that will help you with your courage.