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Thread: Argument about contraception

  1. #1
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    Argument about contraception

    I'm dating someone casually, and this is what I need right now. We've started dating this summer. He's a very wise and self-aware person but God help me his cold logic attitude can be hard to bear. We agreed to date without expectations. We've also talked about getting pregnant scenario - he said multiple times he's against having children now and would support me only in decision of abortion. We've jokingly called him "a fan of abortion". I'm not "a fan" myself and I'm 31 (but not in hurry to have a family if I ever want that), so in case of unwanted pregnancy I would strongly think about keeping it, because I don't know when I will my future husband anyway (if I will). So we've talked about this and I told him it would be only my decision but I assured him I wouldn't want anything from him including money. I'm a very sincere person, heart on the sleeve, and he never had reason to doubt my words in any matter.

    This month I started taking pills as they're a statistically more safe contraception method than condoms (and would give us more fun). I'm ok with him using condoms as an additional method if that makes him feel more safe. But this week we had first "normal" sex without condoms and with a normal finish. The whole evening we were emotionally close and it all made me very happy. The sex was amazing too. The next day I had a visit with my gynecologist, took a new prescription and asked some questions about pills. I've been taking them every day after breakfast, so on weekends it's about 2-3 hours later. My doctor told me I should be taking them at the same hour for better efficiency. So I decided to take them at the same hour for the future. I had a tough day at work and while he was on his way to me, I told my bf that on text about the visit, and I jokingly wrote that "I hope your dreams about abortion won't come true", to lighten up the subject, which I realize now sounded a bit insensitive though we've joked in this exact manner before. We've also both read before that no additional method is needed if the pill is taken within 6 hours.

    He came to my place and got angry at me for writing that, that I shouldn't be joking about this. That maybe he didn't make himself clear about where he stands with the topic of unwanted pregnancy. That he's going to remind me more strongly and more often about it (he does that too often already..) and maybe it will make me discourage him from coming inside me rather than encourage him. And he said that I'm being childish with all of it. It pissed me off cause I've been approaching it all in responsible manner, taking pills every morning, clearing out my questions with the doctor on the first occasion and I didn't feel I deserved to be called "childish". But, having a tough day, I didn't have energy to tell him that, I just started crying. Like most guys, he said something mean when I started crying. So I couldn't talk for some time or react to his words, I just lied on bed and calmed myself down. He said to me if I act this way after what he said, I must have been lying to him before that I acknowledge his position on the matters of pregnancy/abortion. He asked again if I've been taking pills every day (I told him a few times this month already that I have), thinking I have some reason like that to cry.

    So when I calmed down we discussed things in constructive manner. I told him I won't stand being called a liar, that I've been doing everything right, and that I gave him no reason not to trust me. That I won't be called childish as well. But I'm sorry for the joke of course, since I didn't know this time it will go wrong. He said it's not that he doesn't trust me, he doesn't trust anyone. But I don't see a point in meeting someone you don't trust 100% with telling the truth... He thinks he's been only saying his cold truth, but I told him he's been just showering me with accusations made up in his head before just asking if they're true. That yes, I'm ok with his position as I said, but he was being an a*hole to me, with how he talked to me. He didn't apologize but acknowledge that.

    We've calmed down and while we need some space before being intimate again (with double protection for now I guess?), he's been assuring me we're ok, hugging me and being sweet to me as always. I feel frozen and depressed all day. I like him just as before, but I don't know how I will have sex to him again after he's been so mean to me about it. How to let him in emotionally again. I don't know if his fear of closeness or something makes him sabotage things just after we get emotionally intimate like a couple... or maybe I psychoanalyze too much out of it for now. I'm ok whatever way it will work out with us, if we will fall for each other at some point or find somebody else, but I want to enjoy things for now. I can normally enjoy sex only if it's emotionally intimate, not the physical act itself. I don't know how to emotionally "let him in" again during intimate situations, for fear of being punished later for that... I feel I should talk to him about how I feel, not to guilt trip him since generally I respect his views, but to tell him my needs, so I wouldn't cry after sex or something. Unfortunately I don't know what I feel now. And why I feel this way. Can you help me to understand myself better here?
    Last edited by firelily; 10-11-2019 at 11:25 PM.

  2. #2
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    Itís because he acted like a jerk! Thatís why you feel the way you do OP. I hate to be so blunt but you need to not allow any body treat you badly. This guy with his ďnot trusting anyone.Ē Speech is going to make him alone. You donít have to join in on that misery.

    If I were you I would not have sex again with him. If youíre looking for fun and casual there are other and much nicer guys out there. Something tells me itís not just casual though if you canít have sex without feelings.

    I think you need to step back and reevaluate the situation your in. Maybe youíre not ready to settle down or just date either. You need some time to decide what benefits you truly. Is it putting up with him just for fun and casual sex?

    I remember dating a guy who after we did something intimate told me he didnít like to hug or be touched afterwards. It made me feel dirty. The guy like yours had trust issues.

    I think you need to move on and find better.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    Itís because he acted like a jerk! Thatís why you feel the way you do OP. I hate to be so blunt but you need to not allow any body treat you badly. This guy with his ďnot trusting anyone.Ē Speech is going to make him alone. You donít have to join in on that misery.

    If I were you I would not have sex again with him. If youíre looking for fun and casual there are other and much nicer guys out there. Something tells me itís not just casual though if you canít have sex without feelings.

    I think you need to step back and reevaluate the situation your in. Maybe youíre not ready to settle down or just date either. You need some time to decide what benefits you truly. Is it putting up with him just for fun and casual sex?

    I remember dating a guy who after we did something intimate told me he didnít like to hug or be touched afterwards. It made me feel dirty. The guy like yours had trust issues.

    I think you need to move on and find better.
    Thank you for your advice and perspective. I need some time to think about it.

    As for what we have, it's not "fun and casual sex" on any side, we're in for boyfriend/girlfriend experience with cuddles, watching movies, texting all the time, telling each other troubles everyday, supporting each other in challenges - having some closeness with another human being. Just without expectation that it will end up in marriage. We like each other a lot but are not in love with each other so far. I would deal with it fine if he fell in love with someone and moved on, but I like what we have, cause generally I've been a lot calmer since we started hanging out. I've been romantically and sexually quite lonely before after being single and some long-distance hiccups that made me feel even more lonely. Now I have someone to cuddle me when I sleep a few times a week. I think he's one of the factors that helped me cure my depression this year (we've been friends online since March). It helps him a lot too to have someone close, and to work on his issues with someone "normal".

    I'm sorry for your experience, it must have been awful not to hug someone you just had sex with :/

  4. #4
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    What about STDs? Why wouldn't you insist on condoms?

    If he suffers so strongly, then why isn;t he using condoms? Why is this all on you?

    Use condoms!

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    What about STDs? Why wouldn't you insist on condoms?
    None of us had more than 3 sexual partners in life and also he did tests after the last relationship. With all the oral sex that we had, in would make no sense to use condoms "just because" despite certainty that there's no danger, while still doing the oral sex which works the same way as far as STDs go.

    We're not seeing other people, but if we meet someone else, we've agreed to tell each other about it. If some spontaneous side stuff would miraculously happen, we agreed to use condoms with the new person.

  7. #6
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    And, don't ever rely on the pull-out method. I strongly advise that you get a better education on pregnancy and STDs.

    Find a nicer guy.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    None of us had more than 3 sexual partners in life and also he did tests after the last relationship.
    We're not seeing other people, but if we meet someone else, we've agreed to tell each other about it and of course use condoms with the new person.
    It only takes one person. You need to wake up. Did you see his test results? It can also take up to six months for HIV to appear. And, how do you know that he is not with others. You need stop being so naive. This is your life! People in loving relationships cheat, and this is only your sex buddy. UGH!

  9. #8
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    How old are you?

    Stop playing Russian roulette with your life!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 10-12-2019 at 12:12 AM.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    It only takes one person. You need to wake up. Did you see his test results? It can also take up to six months for HIV to appear. And, how do you know that he is not with others. You need stop being so naive. This is your life!
    Don't call me naive or talk to me in a condescending manner. How would I know for sure any of my future boyfriends or husbands is not with others?... He's not some hookup, but someone I know well by now and trust. Do you use condoms with every long-term boyfriend and husband as well, because you can't trust nobody? If you told your first boyfriend you're a virgin, did he ask you for a written statement of gynecologist because he didn't believe you? Do you use condoms with oral sex? Do they use condoms, but do oral sex to you skin to skin? You either get to know somebody (and use condoms during that time) or let in someone in your life as friend or more. If I'm dating someone for half a year, I want to know I'm safe and believe it. I definitely want to experience normal oral sex with someone I date for months.

    And he had an HIV test many months after being with that last girl.

    Why would I trust my future long term partners but not trust my current boyfriend? He's a painfully honest person and proved trust many times.

    Sorry but it's not your decision to make and not your call to call me naive here.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How old are you?
    I'm 31 years old.

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