I'm dating someone casually, and this is what I need right now. We've started dating this summer. He's a very wise and self-aware person but God help me his cold logic attitude can be hard to bear. We agreed to date without expectations. We've also talked about getting pregnant scenario - he said multiple times he's against having children now and would support me only in decision of abortion. We've jokingly called him "a fan of abortion". I'm not "a fan" myself and I'm 31 (but not in hurry to have a family if I ever want that), so in case of unwanted pregnancy I would strongly think about keeping it, because I don't know when I will my future husband anyway (if I will). So we've talked about this and I told him it would be only my decision but I assured him I wouldn't want anything from him including money. I'm a very sincere person, heart on the sleeve, and he never had reason to doubt my words in any matter.
This month I started taking pills as they're a statistically more safe contraception method than condoms (and would give us more fun). I'm ok with him using condoms as an additional method if that makes him feel more safe. But this week we had first "normal" sex without condoms and with a normal finish. The whole evening we were emotionally close and it all made me very happy. The sex was amazing too. The next day I had a visit with my gynecologist, took a new prescription and asked some questions about pills. I've been taking them every day after breakfast, so on weekends it's about 2-3 hours later. My doctor told me I should be taking them at the same hour for better efficiency. So I decided to take them at the same hour for the future. I had a tough day at work and while he was on his way to me, I told my bf that on text about the visit, and I jokingly wrote that "I hope your dreams about abortion won't come true", to lighten up the subject, which I realize now sounded a bit insensitive though we've joked in this exact manner before. We've also both read before that no additional method is needed if the pill is taken within 6 hours.
He came to my place and got angry at me for writing that, that I shouldn't be joking about this. That maybe he didn't make himself clear about where he stands with the topic of unwanted pregnancy. That he's going to remind me more strongly and more often about it (he does that too often already..) and maybe it will make me discourage him from coming inside me rather than encourage him. And he said that I'm being childish with all of it. It pissed me off cause I've been approaching it all in responsible manner, taking pills every morning, clearing out my questions with the doctor on the first occasion and I didn't feel I deserved to be called "childish". But, having a tough day, I didn't have energy to tell him that, I just started crying. Like most guys, he said something mean when I started crying. So I couldn't talk for some time or react to his words, I just lied on bed and calmed myself down. He said to me if I act this way after what he said, I must have been lying to him before that I acknowledge his position on the matters of pregnancy/abortion. He asked again if I've been taking pills every day (I told him a few times this month already that I have), thinking I have some reason like that to cry.
So when I calmed down we discussed things in constructive manner. I told him I won't stand being called a liar, that I've been doing everything right, and that I gave him no reason not to trust me. That I won't be called childish as well. But I'm sorry for the joke of course, since I didn't know this time it will go wrong. He said it's not that he doesn't trust me, he doesn't trust anyone. But I don't see a point in meeting someone you don't trust 100% with telling the truth... He thinks he's been only saying his cold truth, but I told him he's been just showering me with accusations made up in his head before just asking if they're true. That yes, I'm ok with his position as I said, but he was being an a*hole to me, with how he talked to me. He didn't apologize but acknowledge that.
We've calmed down and while we need some space before being intimate again (with double protection for now I guess?), he's been assuring me we're ok, hugging me and being sweet to me as always. I feel frozen and depressed all day. I like him just as before, but I don't know how I will have sex to him again after he's been so mean to me about it. How to let him in emotionally again. I don't know if his fear of closeness or something makes him sabotage things just after we get emotionally intimate like a couple... or maybe I psychoanalyze too much out of it for now. I'm ok whatever way it will work out with us, if we will fall for each other at some point or find somebody else, but I want to enjoy things for now. I can normally enjoy sex only if it's emotionally intimate, not the physical act itself. I don't know how to emotionally "let him in" again during intimate situations, for fear of being punished later for that... I feel I should talk to him about how I feel, not to guilt trip him since generally I respect his views, but to tell him my needs, so I wouldn't cry after sex or something. Unfortunately I don't know what I feel now. And why I feel this way. Can you help me to understand myself better here?