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Thread: I messed up

  1. #1
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    I messed up

    Some of you may recall that my boyfriend recently lost member of family. He contacted me after a few weeks to set a weekend together we booked months earlier.
    Day before our trip, I texted to ask for details and he didn't respond. I called a few hours later but he was busy so I thought he will call back. I learned later he forgot. I understood. Not easy times for him.
    During Saturday night he received message from a woman I never heard of. It was a heart and some message.
    It came the second he shown me something on the phone.
    He said it his friend he used to work with and that they got in touch recently. I scrolled up and it was evident that they were in touch everyday sharing.
    He sent her the same photo he sent me a day before. He also contacted her on a day he forgot to respond to my messages and call.
    She was the last person he spoke with just before going to bed. Where he told me a few hours earlier he is tired and going to sleep.
    So he is avoiding me but initiated a contact with her ?
    I never once looked at his phone or asked him to show me something.
    He didn't know what to say when I said that to him.
    No big deal. It's just a friend. She leaves in another country now.
    I couldn't help but I realised how often he checks what's app these days. Every little moment I am going away etc. He never bothered before.
    I asked if he can tell me how often they actually talk or video call. He got mad and said he won't say a word. He said I should trust him. So I got upset and got ready to leave. I was going to leave to work 20 min earlier. He asked me if I will take all my stuff with me now. I said I am going to work and he stood up and packed all my clothes in plastic bags. He was fuming.
    I took it and left.
    Poor timing for all this. No doubt, this is over.
    I am gutted as this is not the time to give him a hard time. However I didn't plan to break up. He packed my stuff.
    I guess I shouldn't have asked anything given the circumstances.
    Can I amend this in any way ? Meaning end on a positive note or something?
    Last edited by irka000; 10-01-2019 at 07:05 AM. Reason: Error

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need space. Space to reflect on this entire situation and why he keeps you at arm's length. Do not try to fix this or chase him. Take this time to relax and ask yourself if you want to be in a situation that is so fraught with doubt and anguish for you. Maybe this is the break-through you need to finally get out of this.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    I didn't plan to break up. He packed my stuff.. Can I amend this in any way ?

  3. #3
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    I donít think youíre overreacting, necessarily.

    The problem isn't that he has a female friend. Itís that heís prioritizing communication with another woman, and appears to be keeping his distance from you. Thatís not a good sign. Heís getting defensive because he knows how it looks, and he canít explain why he opts to speak to her over you.

    Iím not sure Iíd be too worried about making things right with him, OP. His attention seems to be elsewhere.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I donít think youíre overreacting, necessarily.

    The problem isn't that he has a female friend. Itís that heís prioritizing communication with another woman, and appears to be keeping his distance from you. Thatís not a good sign. Heís getting defensive because he knows how it looks, and he canít explain why he opts to speak to her over you.

    Iím not sure Iíd be too worried about making things right with him, OP. His attention seems to be elsewhere.
    I agree. I would not be ok with this for two reasons. First -most important - he acted in an unreliable way about an important plan you had and lied about why. Sure, it's possible his interactions with the other woman are inconsistent with being in a romantic, exclusive relationship - but even putting that aside if he had time to text with a casual acquaintance in another country he had time to be reliable and respond to your message about the plans. Heck, I keep lists -on my phone, on email on post its, to make sure I follow up as promised with people -with friends, my husband, with colleagues. He knows how to do this too -if he cares. But his actions show he didn't care.

    If he's well enough to be chatting with this other person then he's well enough to be reliable and well enough to explain what's going on. Want to know why? Because if it was all above board and fine it would not have required any conversation about trust -sure he might have been slightly annoyed but it would have been no biggie. He knew he acted irresponsibly, knew you caught him in a lie.

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  6. #5
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    It hurts. He clearly didn't share with her he is going for weekend away with his girlfriend. As I doubt it ,she would send a heart and message to him at Saturday night. She didn't ask how is our weekend going. None of it.
    He said his p...s is long but not long enough to reach her as she is in another country. I said it is not always about sex.
    I recall when I called second time day before our trip ( about 9.30pm) he was yawning constantly and told me he forgot to text me back and call me back. That he is shattered and plans to go to bed. I mentioned I was disappointed to chase him about details like that. That I needed organise myself etc.
    The next day, at the station, he gave me a lecture how I should be more understanding. That he was simply tired and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I even apologised.

    Fast forward, later I learned that at midnight on a day before a trip, after my call to him, he texted her his photo with some message. They possibly spoke than. He came to a station looking like he didn't sleep at all.

    When I put these two facts together I asked him how come he was not too tired to talk or text her and how come she is the last woman he contacts before going to bed.
    He said " evidently I was not too tired".
    I understand if they would have a catch up after some time not talking but since she got in touch with him, they are in touch daily.
    I don't talk with my friends daily. I don't even talk to him.
    He has two female friends he is in regular contact with. I am ok with it cause I knew it from the start.
    This name never popped out. He said sarcastically " do you want a list of all my friends ? Resume ?".
    He kept saying he had life before he met me. Fair enough.
    Despite all this, I didn't want to break up but I think he assumed me jumping right after he refused to talk about their frequency of calls, that I was leaving. He packed my stuff within seconds.

    I have him all the space he wanted to griev in a way he wanted to. I just had no idea that he used that time to get closer with someone else.
    Last edited by irka000; 10-01-2019 at 10:33 AM. Reason: Error

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Secrets always come out. Your guardian angel at work? Who knows, but it should be a wake-up call for you. He's pouring emotional energy and time into another woman, regardless of his intentions with her. If he was scared of losing you when you saw a message from another woman with a heart attached, he'd say: Here, scroll through the messages and you'll see she's like a sister to me.

    He doesn't care, since he packed your clothes and is okay with never seeing you again. Let him go. You're giving excuses for him because you're so into him, you don't want to see the reality that he doesn't feel the same. He wasn't considerate, blowing you off about plans. Couldn't even take 5 seconds of his day to respond to a text. He doesn't deserve a warm fuzzy goodbye. Concentrate on yourself, mourning the end of a relationship, pampering yourself, and moving on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, Irka.

    You've been in almost these same shoes before, a few times now: other women, unresponsive texts, the sense that he is more present with others than he is with you. In the past you've found ways to shed them, to block out the strong, intuitive voice in your head that has been screaming to you that something here is not right, not enough. If this moment isn't enough for you to listen to that intuition, I don't know what is.

    Even the most generous read on all thisóthat, in grief, he blurred some lines over textóis a read that concludes with a relationship that does not serve you, and hasn't, for a good while. My own read is not nearly so generous, for the record.

    Why, after this, do you not want to break up?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you sensed all along he was just not that into this. Perhaps this is the freedom call for you to finally let go and be free to pursue someone who is into you. A lot of lessons learned about boundaries and chasing. Yes delete and block him once and for all. You both sound kind of fed up with this cat-and-mouse game.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    He said his p...s is long but not long enough to reach her as she is in another country.. He packed my stuff within seconds.

  10. #9
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    Do you feel that if you two break up you have nothing?

  11. #10
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    Thank you All.
    What I meant is that I didn't want to break at that time when I was leaving his house. However,since he packed me so promptly I accepted this is over.
    I thought about it all and it is for the best.
    I didn't want to break up because a few weeks he lost a very close family member. He must be still grieving.
    I didn't want to add to it. Who does that ? I am not a cruel person.
    I was willing to overlook this due to circumstances.
    However, he decided for us both.
    I am sure he will justify this in his mind in a way that suits him. That I doubted him. I didn't trust.

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