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Thread: Argument about contraception

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I'm not trying to, as it comes from a place of concern. I have lost two dear friends to AIDs, and it is difficult for me to see others, not protecting themselves, as much as possible.

    You really don't know this man, and I think you are taking a lot of risks. He also did not sound very respectful in the confrontation with the birth control.

    I am curious why you do not want a relationship with someone?
    If I got feelings for someone who would be a good match for me, sure I'd want to have a long term relationship with me. But I haven't fallen in love in years with anyone, and it might be years before I find this person if it will happen. Meanwhile, I had a 9 year long part time-distance relationship with sexual problems, a year long crush on someone abroad, some long distance fling not worth mentioning, and a degree of soul-searching and singleness in between. Even if I decide to break things off with this guy now, it's been a tremendously healing experience to be able to cuddle someone at night every other night and have a normal, healthy sex where both people can orgasm.

    My real options now are:
    - decide this is the right time to break up, due to not feeling emotionally safe after the argument. stay friends or for now just break up, whatever way would feel right here.
    - ask for some space and step back, ask for some time to build more emotional intimacy and more friendly activities out of home, before getting more intimate again
    - have a good talk and tell him about how I feel, explain to him why I didn't feel respected during that argument, decide what I need and ask what I need and give him time to decide if he can try to give me this things,
    or some combination of these.

    I asked my girlfriends for advice and they generally recommend giving him some time to grow through his issues, but I felt I need to ask different personality types than my friends about this too, and in the end decide by myself how I feel, what feels right and what I want at this moment.

  2. #22
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    I can relate, sometimes we need some space from relationships to prep us for something real and longstanding.

    I think that is there are feelings-on either side- then you cannot be friends. It is misery. Been there, done that.

    Personally, I think that you should have a talk, and tell him exactly how you feel. I think you will know exactly what to do after that convo.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    I agree that he spoke to you very cruelly. It sounds like he doesn't trust you to take the pill, maybe he's worried about you "trapping" him with a baby. Which I doubt you'd do but still. If he's worried, fine, but he needs to either keep using condoms or go get sterilized*. It is not right for him to hound you like a child.

    *I don't take sterilization lightly. I've had it done myself. But if he's that against having kids, either for good or for a very long length of time, it seems like a good idea for him to get it done. If he changes his mind, he can have it reversed or he can have spem extracted for IVF. Maybe he'd find it worth it.
    I agree with that. I told him about sterilization if the fear of pregnancy is so paralyzing for him, and the issue of control and trust. He agreed with me. I don't think he's going to research sterilization anytime soon, but I understand he will take sole responsibility for his decision whether to use condom as an extra method or come inside without blaming me later.

    He is afraid about being trapped by alimentation, this phobia was present in his last long-term relationship as well, after his gf told him she may be pregnant after her period was 3 days late or so. He's generally a person with social anxiety and some neuroticism, panic attacks with fainting etc. - he overgrown much of it but still it's a theme. He felt sick after that talk that we had. Doesn't give him right to treat me badly of course, but I understand where he came from.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I can relate, sometimes we need some space from relationships to prep us for something real and longstanding.

    I think that is there are feelings-on either side- then you cannot be friends. It is misery. Been there, done that.

    Personally, I think that you should have a talk, and tell him exactly how you feel. I think you will know exactly what to do after that convo.
    Thanks!

    And all best to you, Holly. Hope you're doing fine :)

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  6. #25
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    Yeah it definitely sounds like some anxiety and neuroticism on his part. I understand it but it's totally inappropriate of him to lash out at you like he did. I would have a talk with him. Sorry to be blunt but he needs to pull on his big boy pants and act like an adult when it comes to his anxieties.

    Again, I get where he's coming from. I was terrified of pregnancy and hated condoms so I got sterilized. He either needs to use condoms, get sterilized, or better handle his anxiety. I would talk to him and see what he says. If he justices the behavior or makes excuses for it, I'd start distancing myself.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    Yeah it definitely sounds like some anxiety and neuroticism on his part. I understand it but it's totally inappropriate of him to lash out at you like he did. I would have a talk with him. Sorry to be blunt but he needs to pull on his big boy pants and act like an adult when it comes to his anxieties.

    Again, I get where he's coming from. I was terrified of pregnancy and hated condoms so I got sterilized. He either needs to use condoms, get sterilized, or better handle his anxiety. I would talk to him and see what he says. If he justices the behavior or makes excuses for it, I'd start distancing myself.
    :) He owns his stuff, realizes that he's been a jerk after I've explained his perspective. That's why being with him has been bearable despite his attitude. It will be years though before he says "sorry" for something cause he has some sophisticated philosophy about apologies not working, people doing what's they feel is right and the moment and people not being able to change. It's like dating Rust Coyle the nihilist from True Detective. He really listens. He's his own worse judge, and I admire him for his courage to confront his behavior, for example in admitting his cruelty in past relationship (a bit like what happened now, but that gal had it worse, and she was in love with him). I live with too much self-reflection, self-analysis and nitpicking on every thing in myself, and he's the first person (and especially guy) I met who is even worse than me :)

    I wish him well, I think one day after a lot of self-work on his trust issues especially (single child with no friends), he'll be able to have a well-functioning partnership with someone who's good with logical discussions and patient like me. It won't be with me. I might be for some part of that road, not like it's my mission, but we can share some time as long as it's beneficial for us both. I'm weighting out now if it's still beneficial enough for me for some time.

    Thank you for advice. I think I need to talk to him one more time about taking responsibility for his own anxieties - we had a another argument about this a previous week. He got to know my friends, he was incredibly insecure about it though it didn't show, we ordered a taxi with a lot of problems, he felt stupid in eyes of my friends for all the hiccups of ordering a taxi, and later was mean to me for it. After discussion he understood what happened in him and owned his part. But it's been emotionally exhausting.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    Thanks!

    And all best to you, Holly. Hope you're doing fine :)
    I wish you the very best. I apologize for coming off so harsh.

    Good luck! :)

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by firelily
    :) He owns his stuff, realizes that he's been a jerk after I've explained his perspective. That's why being with him has been bearable despite his attitude. It will be years though before he says "sorry" for something cause he has some sophisticated philosophy about apologies not working, people doing what's they feel is right and the moment and people not being able to change. It's like dating Rust Coyle the nihilist from True Detective. He really listens. He's his own worse judge, and I admire him for his courage to confront his behavior, for example in admitting his cruelty in past relationship (a bit like what happened now, but that gal had it worse, and she was in love with him). I live with too much self-reflection, self-analysis and nitpicking on every thing in myself, and he's the first person (and especially guy) I met who is even worse than me :)

    I wish him well, I think one day after a lot of self-work on his trust issues especially (single child with no friends), he'll be able to have a well-functioning partnership with someone who's good with logical discussions and patient like me. It won't be with me. I might be for some part of that road, not like it's my mission, but we can share some time as long as it's beneficial for us both. I'm weighting out now if it's still beneficial enough for me for some time.

    Thank you for advice. I think I need to talk to him one more time about taking responsibility for his own anxieties - we had a another argument about this a previous week. He got to know my friends, he was incredibly insecure about it though it didn't show, we ordered a taxi with a lot of problems, he felt stupid in eyes of my friends for all the hiccups of ordering a taxi, and later was mean to me for it. After discussion he understood what happened in him and owned his part. But it's been emotionally exhausting.
    Has he sought therapy?

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Has he sought therapy?
    He had a few psychodynamic therapists who helped him with his social phobia and depression at the time. Now he's better with his anxieties and much better professionally. After we talked yesterday, I recommended to him cognitive behavioral therapy both to improve his ability to function in close relationships, and for his own stuff (he's getting some weight and started considering developing bulimia as a good life choice... so I think it he could really benefit from sorting out his thoughts with a CBT therapist, or a psychodietetician). His next 3 months or so will be occupied with moving from his rented cramped student room to his own empty apartment, arranging all of it etc. So not a lot of mind space. But after that, if we'll still date or be friends, I'll be encouraging him to focus on improving mental health with therapy and more healthy lifestyle. He's out of depression and having grip at life now, doing fine, but some parts of him need tons of self-love.

  11. #30
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    Fire,

    This sounds like a lot of work. This guy has a boatload of stuff going on, and it does sound draining. I believe I read that you suffer from depression? If so, this is not good for you. He is quite unstable.

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