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How long is too long to meet the family?


Blossom314

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Good Afternoon everyone, so I will make this short and sweet ;) I've been with my bf for about 8 months or so, however we have yet to meet each other's kids or families. I have a 6 year old daughter, and he has two sons. Now we've taken trips together, we see each other through out the week. We also talk frequently through out the day. I mean it feels like we are a couple, as that is what we both call it. But I can't help but to feel that our relationship has stalled. Natural progression of a relationship is to start integrating your partner more into your world but this is not the case for me. Our relationship has stopped growing.

 

Yes, I have mentioned to him that I am ready to meet his family, and all he said was ok. I didn't want to push so I have not made any more mention of it.

 

When he spends time with his sons, he does not want to see me. That is okay, but now I am feeling left out from that part of his life. I know most would say to wait it out, but it's beginning to feel like our relationship has stalled. When is it too long to wait? We are both in our 30s if that means anything lol

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I am confused, as you broke up with your ex in April? That is not 8 months. You also created a thread about the ex in May.

 

Did you jump from one relationship to the other, or were you dating both at the same time?

Just saw that, too. And posting all the way into May about the ex. Kind of a convoluted timeline there.

 

Isolating the context, while not a single parent, I was raised by one. Not at all a knock on my mom as it wasn't at all like she was bringing a new boyfriend home every season or anything, but I can tell you that I do see the wisdom many dating single parents have in not involving the kids until you're pretty much engaged or, probably even better, actually engaged and serious about it. Hopefully that point would take much longer than "8 months" to reach, though. I can say though that even if a legit 8 months, not incorporating the kids is both objectively and conventionally speaking still well within the confines of healthy boundaries.

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Hey J.man fair enough. Now, just a thought, waiting until you are engaged? don't you think that too may be a bit extreme? I mean you also want to ensure that your S.O. gets along with your children/family before taking that next step. I honestly don't feel ready for all that (marriage/engagement) but I would like to see our relationship progressively growing.

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Eight months is still pretty fresh for any relationship, and with the breakup 2-3 months in it's even fresher.

 

To the question at hand: I don't think there is any hard answer about timelines, as everyone has a different approach, philosophy, comfort level. For some it's hard to "know" how serious you can get until kids have been met, while others want to protect the kids until they "know" things are serious—not "serious" just on the feelings level, but on the this-is-my-new-partner level. At the end of the day it's ideally something of an open and ongoing conversation, one where logic and patience are far better guides than hopes and feelings, and certainly not assumptions.

 

Is there a chance here that the feeling the relationship has "stalled" doesn't have to do with the kids? I ask because, as both a child of single parents and someone in a fresh-ish relationship with one, I think it's best that kids/integration aren't used as barometers of romantic health.

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Focus first on establishing your relationship a bit more. it's not a matter of months or milestones. It's fine that he wants one-on-one time with his sons. It's not a slight or "stalling". It depends also on whatever his custody arrangements are and whatever your arrangements are.

 

After dating 24 weeks you are not a step-family. It seems you are trying to fill some voids, circumvent things and put this on fast-forward.. If you feel stalled, perhaps you shouldn't meet each other's families at all since that is a bad sign between the two of you as a couple. You don't sound secure or happy in this.

 

First you need to be a couple. Stop striving for pseudo step-families and mythical milestones.

I've been with my bf for about 8 months or so, however we have yet to meet each other's kids or families. When he spends time with his sons, he does not want to see me.
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But your previous threads obviously provide context on this relationship. So I don't think kids "get" dating -they "get" attached and they're also going to interact differently with a person who is the parent's "friend" as opposed to "he's going to be your stepfather". Just like adults. I don't agree with having some sort of test/audition because it's not fair to the kids if it doesn't work out and they get attached. Before you have a wedding date (or similar long term commitment date) I'd limit contact to short outings, no sleepovers, etc. Also since you already broke up in this short time even more of a reason not to involve kids and let them get attached when you guys are still not sure this is going to last given the recent past.

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Blossom, I think give time.

You already said you are ready to meet his family so he knows. Perhaps his timeline is a bit different. Let him naturally grow to that important moment.

It will come. Just enjoy this. Don't rush. Don't worry about it just yet. For some 8 months is long enough and for others , still fresh.

Focus on being present and before you know, you will meet his family.

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Blossom, I think give time.

You already said you are ready to meet his family so he knows. Perhaps his timeline is a bit different. Let him naturally grow to that important moment.

It will come. Just enjoy this. Don't rush. Don't worry about it just yet. For some 8 months is long enough and for others , still fresh.

Focus on being present and before you know, you will meet his family.

 

But it's not even 8 months -they broke up in the middle and got back together. To me that makes a difference when it involves a decision concerning young children.

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You don't seem too convinced that this is the right man and there have been issues all of 2019. You called him a 'bozo' in your own words earlier this year and referenced him standing you up a few times and being very upset when he said he fell asleep. It's hurtful when someone falls asleep on your plans. I agree with you and if you don't feel good, you should listen to your instincts. Why then does he keep coming back? You seem very very upset a lot of the time. Are you sure this is worth exposing your kids to?

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My first relationship, post divorce we mixed the kids. He - 2 daughters, me - 2 sons.

 

The relationship ended and though my sons didn't have an attachment to him, his daughters, the 11 yr old mostly, were very attached to me. I regretted ever mixing the kids. As if adjusting from their parents divorce wasn't hard enough on them to begin with, now they grieve the ending of what appeared to another pseudo family like unit.

 

They never asked to be put in this situation and when looking back, mixing them up didn't serve them, but was mostly motivated by us selfish parents. Because if we can get the kids in the same room together it translates into the parents seeing each other more.

 

From that point on I didn't mix my sons into my relationships. I didn't hide it. they met the men i was dating, but I reserved my adult time to when the boys were with their father. My time with my sons was dedicated to them. In the scheme of things,you only get a short time with them. They deserved that.

 

The 11 year old daughter I spoke of was an already at risk child with emotional issues. My disappearing from her life didn't help matters and she went on to have many more challenges until she reached adult hood. I feel partly responsible for adding to that. But I did keep in touch with her as much as I could over the years.

 

How long? As if there is a set time you assimilate the children in a new relationship. How about until which time you and your boyfriend commit to get married and or live together indefinitely?

 

Until that time are only two willing participants in this relationship.

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You don't seem too convinced that this is the right man and there have been issues all of 2019. You called him a 'bozo' in your own words earlier this year and referenced him standing you up a few times and being very upset when he said he fell asleep. It's hurtful when someone falls asleep on your plans. I agree with you and if you don't feel good, you should listen to your instincts. Why then does he keep coming back? You seem very very upset a lot of the time. Are you sure this is worth exposing your kids to?

 

I too, think it relevant.

 

Is he consistent now, or do things still pop up?

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I've generally found that any relationship that feels "stalled" is best looked at like a stalled car. You don't fix it by going on a road trip with your fingers crossed, but by finding that one cable or two that is loose, screwing it tighter, letting the engine idyl for a while, then taking it out for a spin around the block. If she starts up in the morning, take her around town. If she's still running solid, then you plan the road trip. And so on.

 

Just something to think about.

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8 months is still in the new stage of a relationship. I'd give it at least a year and see where the relationship is. If both of you see that this relationship will become more of a commitment type relationship, then gradually introduce families into the picture. Until then, don't create drama and issues otherwise you'll scare him off and do you want that? Tread lightly.

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8 Months with a break up in between, IMO, is far too early to be bringing your children and his into the mix.

 

He is smart to wait and I encourage you to do the same. What is your hurry. If you are doing well together and he's attentive to you and showing you value then your relationship is doing fine and meeting the kids can wait until you're at least through the honeymoon period and viewing one another without rose coloured glasses.

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Guys please stop pulling up my previous threads lol focus on the question at hand> I appreciate all of the advice thanks ya'll

 

Context matters. While 8 months may feel too soon for someone who has been divorced, over his ex and stabilized solo for a year or more, if this guy is fresh out of a failed reconciliation with his ex, then he’s far from stable—he’s rebounding. How long has his divorce been finalized?

 

Newly single people need a chance to establish a new life on their own before dating even under the best of circumstances. Add kids to a fresh breakup, and that’s even more complex.

 

I’d consider the pace of such a relationship best measured by a father concerned with what his kids can handle. They’ve had the rug pulled out from under them with their whole family and lifestyle as they knew it completely ripped apart. That’s not a great platform for any thinking parent to introduce a new lover.

 

I’d back up and reconsider whether any of this timing is a good idea.

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