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Thread: Should i bother trying to get him back into my life or let go?

  1. #1
    Member havannahg's Avatar
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    Should i bother trying to get him back into my life or let go?

    Hi guys, thanks for taking time to read and offer your great advice.

    In January i began hanging out with this guy. From that moment our "situationship" lasted 8 months. From the day we met we would meet and hangout weekly. I joined a womens pool 🎱 league in february and from the moment i joined he hadnt missed but a couple games for the entire 8 months. He was always present when i asked him to be as we spent a lot of time together. I enjoyed our relationship very much because i adored him. We had great moments and great laughs and just good times. No pressure no drama. We discussed briefly what we wanted but the bottom line is we never agreed on a committed relationship i was just going with the flow and it really worked for me. well so it thought. he was the only guy i was sleeping with that entire time but that was my prerogative.

    in that time we had 2 arguements i could recall and i will admit i caused them but would later apologize and get us back on track as he is very unproblematic and i feared losing him. I was able to identify and adjust myself in a few ways whilst going through these arguements as it was my own learned behaviors from past rships that made me lash out and he made me realize that. We shared mutual friends and shared some of the best nights ive ever had socially. Things were really nice. Im sure he'd hang with other women but that was never my contention as i always knew where we stood and only required him to be there for me when i needed him to and continue to share our great moments, problem free.

    FFW to our last month together August. things were fine one week we went out and had a good time and i cant say i saw signs of any changes. one day friends informed me they saw him out with a woman but my as my close friends i advised them that was kind of ok because we dont have a commitment. Since learning that i reached out to him the following week to hang out but hed just say he had other plans which is fine. i asked thrice he turned it down so finally I asked him to have dinner wit me and he said he couldn't do that, i asked why he said because he already has a dinner date. Ok, in that moment i got offended because i believe that was disrespectful of him to tell me, although i asked . but usually hed just say hes busy or cant make it. Needless to say an arguement ensued. i told him ok it makes sense why hes been blowing me off and to enjoy the date but not without asking him, so is this ur way of telling me ur seeing someone else? he said Yes. From there the convo pretty much included him saying weve never met a commitment to each other and i dont control him- like dude i never once bust ur balls or questioned ur life til this moment. I expressed obviously it was disrespectful of u to tell me in the way you did, some how maliciously for no reason. As if he wanted to hurt me... for no reason. So i asked when was he gonna inform me and if this new gal was before or after the last time we slept together. Ok, i realized i shift the totem pole from going with the flow to somehow sounding like this was a rship. he said he had just met her that night. he also said every arguement weve had ive been wrong and chances are this is no different and he will no longer argue. This guy btw, doesnt talk or express himself much- its alwyas like pulling teeth hence i dont usually bring things up. Anyway, the convo ended in me explaining i perceived his current tactics disrespectful and thats all as id never engage him that way even in our situation. Like, obv u did that to push me away maybe he grew tired of our situation which is fine. but he couldve handled that so much better. We had no issued prior hence i was caught off guard.

    This took place a week before i was set for a month long vaca. FFW to one day before my departure i reached out to him to get a package i had at his place surely he avoided me and left the keys so i can get it. later that night i asked him if he was busy as i just wanted to make ammends before i left... he said hes not busy and as i proceeded to ask him to meet up or i can come over he told me he'll pass. I mentioned its only since ill be leaving in a few hours and his response was, " i'm okay. have a safe flight". Yes, that crushed me. anyway my vaca was amazing and he still followed me on social media but i realized he never once watched any if my stories which he always did. on vaca i was carefree but twice he crept up in my dreams andit was so real and reminiscent of our great times id wake up crying. FFW im back hom e from vaca 2 weeks now, hes still havent bothered with my stories (millenial problems lol) and its hitting me that wow he really doesnt care about me anymore. which is hard because after knowing and being with him for 8 months i think he was cold to me. i understand i lashed out and it was prob the final star forhim. but i cant believe he can just move on like that from our friendship to say the least i wasnt a bad person at all to him and i was committed to him sexually. I thought he really cares about me and our bond. I miss him so much and i think abouthim everyday but i absolutely refuse to reach out since he turned down a meeting before my departure i feel ty or like he hates me. I just want closure or something... that was the longest ive been with any guy and i use that loosely. He knew what we had tho it wasnt quite defined. i understand him wanting something new but i mever stopped him from doing him.

    sigh. what should i do to overcome this. its extremely hard for me to forget about things. if i would reach out i wouldnt know what to say and i fear his rejection. its been about 45 days No Contact and apart of me hopes by now he misses me and would reconcile in anyway. I knew the girl he mentioned was just a temporary or just a new girl hes added to his repetoir (spellcheck) as he prob had all along he just always showed up for me so i wasnt interested in knowing. Its just sad for me. Please advise whats my best move moving forward.

    Ive taken it one day at a time and im allowing myself to feel and heal properly but i really miss him so much. It wasnt suppose to end this way. we were better than that.

    - broken hearted

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry you're hurting.

    From what I've seen and experienced, these undefined "situationships" rarely come to a tidy end. They kind of flame out or fade out, and one person generally feels a sharper sting than the other. That's to say they're a lot like actual relationships, which end with no shortage of hurt and confusion, but in ways they're harder, since there was never quite a "there" there throughout—so the thing that makes them "work" is also the thing that makes them end in a weird, jagged way.

    If I was in your shoes? I'd look at this as a lovely 8 months, but maybe a stretch in your life that has shown you that you want something more defined—a dude who wants you, you only, and wants to sing that from mountaintops (or, I dunno, Instagram stories). I might be misreading things, but I just can't help but get the sense that you were kind of into that but playing some cool cards because you suspected the full hand would send him running. But if your full hand—your full you—is too much for a dude, it kind of just means that's not the dude for you.

    Again, I know this moment sucks. It's just hard to get the full spectrum of a relationship—including a graceful ending—when there were never clear boundaries established by both people, together.

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    I’m sorry OP,

    Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like closure will happen in the sense of physical presence with him. It will need to happen as with everything else on its own timing. You’ll find closure in the day to day activities and when you start to forget the little things, when the memories aren’t brutal, and when life gives you new people and adventures.

    You’ll see one day how he wasn’t right for you in your life.

    It gets better, just be patient.

  4. #4
    Member havannahg's Avatar
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    Thank you for tour insight BlueCastle. you are absolutely right i did supress a lot of my real emotions and would fulfill them by hanging out with him and having them in my presence.. oh and sexually. which just intensified the feelings within which made me lash out.

    It has opened my eyes to watch i really desire from a guy. No more situationships as I really find them counterproductive anyway before i met him. Boundaries were to be established and in that moment thats all i was trying to do and funny enough im quite sure he too knows what he was doing as he crossed the line. I hoped basic respect and proper communication as adults couldve sorted things out as thats all it really took. Things can end but they can also end properly and respectfully which he didnt do.

    Yes, im definitely cherishing the moments we had and im trying to get to a place where i understand it was just time for this to come to and end. Ill work through my hurt feelings daily and wait for him smile and likeness to fade from my spirit. Thank you so much for this insight <3

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  6. #5
    Member havannahg's Avatar
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    I am confident of this also Limichelle. Thank you. its a daily process to complete closure i can only give myself in a sense. Its just fresh as i have returned and now have to deal with the emotions and continue the routines ive adapted within the past 8 months without him. still begs the question of how can they just forget about me in that way but there goes another harsh reality.

    This too shall pass. the process to that day continues sourly.

    Thank you for insight.

  7. #6
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    OP, why didn't you make some sort of commitment with him? Also, would you do this again, or choose not to do another FWB?

  8. #7
    Member havannahg's Avatar
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    Hi Holly!
    I didnt bring up a commitment because i knew he didnt want one through some of our convos. and i also wasnt sure what i wanted but was satisfied with exactly what we had i thought it was the best road to something real and honest. you know, starting out as friends good times... then things will develop on their own naturally. i was wrong.

    i dont like FWB because of these same repercussions. this hurt and feeling of emptiness but i knew what i signed ip or so i must accept the consequences. hey This couldve been avoided basically.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It happens. It even happens in long term relationships and marriages. People change. That's all it is. And there's not a thing you can do about it. He changed his mind about you. No matter what you shared (whether it's good times or vows exchanged) at the end of the day you should understand nothing is 100% guaranteed to last. Life happens and it's important to live true to your beliefs and be genuine with yourself and others but remember that even if you do everything right, the day might come when things do go wrong. Leave room for eternal change and growth with and without someone.

    Stay confident and true to yourself. Your feelings were true and you remained constant in how you treated him. Good on you for developing your ideas in what you want in a partner going forward too.

  10. #9
    Member havannahg's Avatar
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    thank you Rose. you're insight is ideal and very true. Sigh, i will take heed.

  11. #10
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    He is doing the right thing by not interacting with you at all anymore, OP.

    It would be unfair to you, because you now know he doesn't feel the same way about you. It would also be unfair to the girl he's now dating. This new "No Contact" (so to speak) is best because it gives you room to adjust to life without him and detach yourself emotionally.

    In some ways, this probably needed to happen. It sounds like you were hoping for more all along, and erroneously believing this was going to go somewhere. Could he have been more straightforward? Yes. Do I think he was trying to disrespect you or hurt you? No. I think he fumbled what was going to be an awkward conversation, and didn't know how to tell you he was dating someone because he knew it would hurt you, but I don't see malicious intent on his part. He was indeed free to see other girls and wasn't really obliged to maintain a friendship with you once he met someone. It hurts, I get that, but this is often what happens in FWB situations when one person has feelings and the other doesn't. The wake-up call is abrupt and uncomfortable.

    Anyway, it sounds like you have learned from this. Be true to yourself, don't repress your feelings, and be prepared to walk away the first time you realize your goals don't line up with the guy in question. It will be okay again. He wasn't the one for you and a friendship with him isn't a good idea. It doesn't appear he wants to be friends anyway, out of respect for the girl he is dating. I would leave it be.

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