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Thread: A guy I'm dating appears to purposefully mimic me. What's normal in dating?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    I'll bet you told him you wanted to break up, and he said "Wow! I was just going to suggest that!"

    LOL that would have been funny!

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    What you've described would weird me out, too. I actually had something similar happen with a boyfriend. We'd started out as friends for a couple of years, then began dating.

    But the dating didn't last because I felt like he was mimicking me at every turn!

    This was 20 years ago, and there wasn't facebook or instagram to track behavior. It just seemed like he adjusted all of his behavior to be (what he felt to be) more in line with mine.

    I think he did it to ingratiate himself with me, but I found it infuriating and broke up with him.

    We remained friends for a few years after that. I really did like him and admire him. But that whole mimicry thing was intolerable and I wouldn't date him again.

    Eventually, he found some reason to be angry at me and effectively ended our friendship by not talking to me anymore. Oh well.
    Thanks, Jibralta! Sorry to hear about your situation too. It sounds that it was very obvious to you that this man was copying your every move. Since there were no social media, I'm curious to know he would do? If you don't mind me asking. Many thanks!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It seems he's still developing himself. He may not have had access to the same resources as you so cut him some slack if you feel the relationship is good. If you're looking for something more exciting, this probably isn't for you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No it's not normal to mimic to the extremes that you are describing.

    Best case scenario is that you are dating someone who is truly so similar to you that you are like a mirror image of each other, but after awhile it gets boring and dull. No new ideas, no learning. It really doesn't work. A balance of some similarities and some differences is actually important and provides interest and literally some spice. Without it, the relationship becomes dull and boring and eventually suffocates from that.

    Next possibility is that the guy is super insecure and has read too many books and watched too many videos on how to ingratiate, aka manipulate, himself into relationships. You can browse around yourself and you'll see that overwhelming advice is to mirror and mimic the other person because people supposedly love that. It creates that emotional illusion like you've known each other forever, instant soulmates. I will say that not everyone is susceptible to this, many people are intuitively turned off and creeped out by that because it is fake. You are dealing with a person who is putting on a mask and you have no idea who they really are and what they really think behind that ingratiating mask. It's not a comfortable feeling as you never know when that kind of a personality will build up resentment and explode on you seemingly out of the blue.

    Finally, the most dangerous possibility is that pathological individuals tend to act like this. They analyze you, figure out what pleases you, mirror and mimic your behavior to get you to fall in love with them, to use you, etc. It will never be obvious to you what they are doing until you find yourself neck deep in a bad situation. A lot of abusive relationships start out like this - everything so rosy, once you are in deep emotionally, they show you their real face, but by then, you are so desperate to get back to the good times....you keep staying and trying and trying.... Pathological individuals can maintain a convincing facade for years if need be. Do keep that in mind.

    Where does he fit? Couldn't tell you. Something, some gut instinct is ringing alarm bells for you, or else you wouldn't be posting here. When it comes to dating, always listen to your gut. If something seems off, trust yourself and walk away. Do not try to rationalize things away. Sometimes, what seems off can be very difficult to describe in words. It's like looking into a two way mirror. If you look one way, it all seems innocent, another and not so much. Bottom line is that you are the one who is seeing and picking up on those extra things - body language, subtle things that you can't put into words. Those things trigger alarms for a reason.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Yes I would be weirded out by this... when I first started dating my BF we had so much in common that it scared me... I didn't know if he was trying to please me or if he was being authentic... then we had our first disagreement... turns out he is his own person, has his own interests, and has good boundaries, we just happen to have a lot in common in terms of our beliefs, values, interests and communication styles. I sure breathed a sigh of relief when I found that out let me tell you!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dustycloud
    Thanks, Jibralta! Sorry to hear about your situation too. It sounds that it was very obvious to you that this man was copying your every move. Since there were no social media, I'm curious to know he would do? If you don't mind me asking. Many thanks!
    It just felt like he was shadowing me. Before we dated, when we were just friends, we each did our own thing and met somewhere in the middle. After we started dating, his behaviors and reactions suddenly felt tailored to be in sync with mine.

    Have you ever seen a school of fish swimming around? They all seem to change direction at the same time. That's how it felt with him: when I changed direction, he did too.

    I felt like I had something attached to me lol.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta

    I felt like I had something attached to me lol.
    Gross... glad you're out of it.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Gross... glad you're out of it.
    Yeah.... not a bad guy, just not for me!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dustycloud

    With the career that I'm in which I do not wish to name, you learn about dependent personality types. Could it be part of his personality as some are more prone to imitating others? Could it be an element that he's almost slightly threatened by me? He has shown a few examples of that possibility, as I come from a relatively well off family that he every now and then likes to make it known. I often like to live a bit lavishly and on the hedonistic end (which could scare anyone). Some differences, I went to a private school, he didn't. I was telling him that I wanted to travel to South America, which he has done before, but I'm concerned about the safety aspect. He immediately said "You would be fine. No one would mess with you.", another thing a man usually wouldn't say about a woman?
    I took another look at your post. He seems harmless, OP. If you're feeling his scope/range is a little limited and he's not at your level intellectually or otherwise, don't hurt him or yourself by continuing to associate with each other this closely. You both might be much better as friends. If the sex is good, maybe start looking at things differently and being more honest about the relationship. There's a possibility that you both might be great friends, just not great partners.

    I didn't find anything untoward about the comment about no one messing with you. That's a compliment. It means you can take care of yourself. You should be proud of that. I mean - duh, isn't he stating the obvious. I might have said, "Yes, I know. "

    Another thought: other women who have liked him in the past or with whom he's been in relationships might have liked his social media groups or been associated with them after meeting him. It may be a sign of flattery and maybe you're misunderstanding his form of flattery and affection. If you're not feeling good about it, don't hurt each other more than you have to. We learn concepts, ideas and ways of doing things/what's socially acceptable by our previous associations and experiences. I'm not surprised if he's been flattered this way by someone else in the past and thinks it's a harmless form of acceptance (him accepting you and your influences in his life). Hard to tell with such limited information or a small window into your life together. I guess I'm not very good at thinking of this as something terribly bad with not much damning info, if you know what I mean.

    I'd give it a bit more time and see whether you both have any differences or different perspectives on different things.

  11. #20
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    I had to laugh at how people could possibly copy each other before social media -have you ever seen the movie Single White Female?
    I think part of this is you're just not that into him so his seeming copying habit is bothering you more as a result.

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