Pregnant daughter desires financial help

[Sweet Sue]

Hello folks......my adult daughter, 36 is 2 months pregnant with her second child. She is engaged, but her fiancee' is not happy about being a father again. He has two children from a previous marriage. He works as a welder/construction worker and his income is around $30,000 a year. He supports himself, his two young daughters, but lives with my daughter and my ex-husband. My daughter just graduated college (very proud of this accomplishment), but has not looked very hard for a job as she wanted to take the summer off to spend time with her 8 year old son, (my grandson). She also just found out in April that she is a diabetic 1 and also has several other health issues.
The pregnancy was a complete surprise to both of them and he became quite angry about it. I think he is getting used to the idea now, but I don't know. She is on Medicaid so she will receive free medical care the entire term of pregnancy.
There's so much on my mind that trouble me and I don't know where to turn. I have not told anyone, not even family members that she is pregnant and she has not gone public with it either.
I worry about her health and she is a high risk patient. She is in good hands and has a very competent physician. I think she will be fine. They are keeping a close eye on her. This brings me to another issue I am having with them...she is sending me a list of very expensive big ticket items that she would like for me to buy for them. One is a breast pump and one is a crib (both items are new). Breasts pumps are not cheap. The crib is nice, but a little out of my comfort zone. She is going to send me more big ticket items to review. I suggested she borrow from a friend or get a used one. (That didn't go over very well).
To be honest, I cannot afford this. As much as I would love to help her get the items she would like, I feel compelled to say something, but I don't know what!
When she told me she was pregnant, one of the first things that went through my mind was....but YOU don't have a job! Who's going to pay for this? There's a part of me that's would like to play tough love and say to her..."you and your fiancee' created a baby. Therefore as adults, you need to figure out a way to pay for it". Part of playing house together means taking responsibility for whatever bills you incur. It is not my place or your father's place, or your fiancee's parents place to finance YOUR pregnancy."
She seems to dismiss the job situation.

Please advise, thanks guys!

[boltnrun]

I would tell her you will buy one big ticket item (example, crib) and that's it because that's all you can afford. Make it VERY clear it will only be that one item. If she attempts to hit you up again or play the guilt card, remind her that you agreed to just that one large item.

If you want, maybe set up a recurring smaller expense (like diapers) that delivers monthly because you can get better prices for a recurring order. But that's it...anything else should be the responsibility of the parents.

And unless there was a failure of consistent, regular birth control there's no way that two people having sex can be surprised when a pregnancy results. If the man didn't want more kids he could have gotten a vasectomy.

[Honeycomb8]

...She's 36. You're NOT going to financially support her. She needs to sort out her life herself.

It's not your job and it's HER responsibility to be more careful with her life.

You can give a gift of certain price, but that's it. You're not an atm. At 35, my dad who used to be quite a high up engineer had two menial jobs and worked 70+ hours a week to support us. Simply cos the first few years of migration was tough. He didn't rely on anyone.

My parents are now financially comfortable but no way in hell would I ever ask for financial assistance. The fact she had the thick skin to ask.

Don't be guilt tripped.

[Butterfly~Wrists]

My mum told me the second she find out I'm pregnant, that she's not buying anything for baby. She's paying for an osteopath for me, but she was going to do that regardless.
And I'm not mad, it's my and my fiancee baby. Mind you we're also ok getting most things, bar bottles and car seat second hand.
The fact she, at 36 expects you to buy stuff for baby astounds me. Mind you, if she lives with her dad, she's probably used to being spoilt.. No offence.

You do what you're comfortable with not what anyone demands.

[sophie274]

I would just be very direct that you are happy to help her make a shopping list/list of needed items, happy to help her search on sites like offerup, Facebook marketplace, Craigslist etc for deals, but that you cannot afford to purchase any expensive items for baby. I think clear communication is best to avoid any misunderstandings.

Luckily, the “must haves” for baby can be procured cheaply, and there are many very good quality secondhand items available on those sites I mentioned. Her insurance will provide a breast pump for her so there should be no need to her to purchase one herself; she can call and ask about how to start the process once she is further along. She may also be eligible for certain services like WIC and other resources based on her income/situation. You might offer to help her investigate what she’s eligible for and make appointments to get plugged into the system, if that’s something you’re up for. Ultimately, you’re certainly not responsible for paying for the cost of raising baby, but there are many ways you can lend her support that do not cost money (only time, which is sometimes also in short supply I know!)

[Sweet Sue]

Honeycomb8.....I totally agree with you. I haven't said much so far. This is her third pregnancy. All of them were the result of a birth control
malfunction....so she said. In December, she became pregnant and in the middle of the night, she started having cramping and bleeding. Do you
know what her fiancee did? He was already mad at her for getting pregnant, so he allowed her to drive herself to the ER at 2 am, by herself.
I said to her, "so he didn't drive you to the ER?" she said, "No, he was still mad at me." I said, "Well if that had been me, I would have told him that
by the time I get back home, you better have all your things packed up, loaded in your truck, leave the key on the table and be gone." She and her dad
are gracious to let him and his girls live there (not sure if they help with expenses), and he decided that night that even though he was mad, he couldn't put
that aside to get her to the ER. She made it there, and sat there...alone for 4 hours. She had a miscarriage. She makes excuses for his behavior all the time.

I won't let her do that. She knows I can't afford to and maybe under different circumstances, I might be more willing to do more. But right now, I just can't.

[Sweet Sue]

sophie274....Medicaid pays for breast pumps? I will let her know that! What is WIC? I don't live near her. I am over 3 hours away.

[sophie274]

Yes, most Medicaid plans should cover it. She can call and ask to make sure.
WIC is the women/infants/children program. It will give some money towards certain staples for pregnant women and moms of young children. There are many resources out there for low income families but sometimes it’s a matter of finding them. I’ve heard that WIC offices can help connect women with resources. She can go online and take an eligibility questionnaire to see if she is eligible, and if so make an appointment with her local office.

[SherrySher]

.but YOU don't have a job! Who's going to pay for this? There's a part of me that's would like to play tough love and say to her..."you and your fiancee' created a baby. Therefore as adults, you need to figure out a way to pay for it". Part of playing house together means taking responsibility for whatever bills you incur. It is not my place or your father's place, or your fiancee's parents place to finance YOUR pregnancy."
She seems to dismiss the job situation.

This is precisely what you should have said. YOU are the parent here. If you want your grown child to learn responsibility, you have to teach it and follow it through.

As for the big ticketed items...hell no! You are already doing enough. Find a used crib and work out what to do about the breast pump.
She has no right to be demanding this from you.
I can see her come back being something along the lines of..."but this is your grandchild!" etc. No,,,big ticketed items does not equal love.

She needs to stop mooching and start learning responsibility.

Speaking of which, if they had used a condom and/or pill, none of this would be happening.

[Wiseman2]

Don't send nasty moralizing things like this, you'll regret it. Your disapproval and spewing hate won't help anyone. Simply tell her you'll get [one item] and leave it.

He supports himself, his two young daughters, but lives with my daughter and my ex-husband.


..."you and your fiancee' created a baby. Therefore as adults, you need to figure out a way to pay for it". Part of playing house together means taking responsibility for whatever bills you incur. It is not my place or your father's place, or your fiancee's parents place to finance YOUR pregnancy."