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Thread: Pregnant daughter desires financial help

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I still feel you should say at least something about her being more responsible being as you are her mother.

    However, Wiseman, may be right. She's old enough to know better and if she doesn't yet, perhaps it's a lost cause.

    Simply tell her you cannot afford it and that you can try to get the money together for only one thing.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Just keep it honest, simple, and firm - honey, I can't afford to buy these things. Money is tight and what you are asking is something I wish I could buy, but it's completely out of the question. The money isn't there. That's really all you need to say to her and send a very clear message that she is on her own and needs to start sorting her finances out, including things for the baby.

    No need to lecture. Just a simple firm no. Be direct about it instead of the passive aggressive suggestions she borrow or get used. She needs to understand that the bank of mom is at zero balance and then start making some decisions for herself. Right now, she seems to think that you are loaded and can buy her whatever she wants and so any suggestion to get something less makes her mad. Tell her the reality - there is no extra money for what she wants. Don't even need any lengthy discussions. That will or should prompt her to get serious about money without causing bad blood between you.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    ...
    My daughter just graduated college (very proud of this accomplishment), but has not looked very hard for a job as she wanted to take the summer off to spend time with her 8 year old son, (my grandson). She also just found out in April that she is a diabetic 1 and also has several other health issues.
    The pregnancy was a complete surprise to both of them and he became quite angry about it. I think he is getting used to the idea now, but I don't know. She is on Medicaid so she will receive free medical care the entire term of pregnancy. ...
    Gee, who wouldn't like to take the summer off?

    OK, she lives in fantasy land. Time to get a job and support herself and her kid and the one on the way.

    She is 36, not 15.

    The whole world does it. So can she.

    I suspect that you have been her go-to financial plan for years. Time to stop.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It seems she's just testing you. She lives with her dad so, no, don't give her any housekeeping clues or hints. It's a bit condescending. Treat her like an adult.

    I really like Bolt's idea about the recurring purchases for necessities. I use that with Amazon.

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  6. #15

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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    This is precisely what you should have said. YOU are the parent here. If you want your grown child to learn responsibility, you have to teach it and follow it through.

    As for the big ticketed items...hell no! You are already doing enough. Find a used crib and work out what to do about the breast pump.
    She has no right to be demanding this from you.
    I can see her come back being something along the lines of..."but this is your grandchild!" etc. No,,,big ticketed items does not equal love.

    She needs to stop mooching and start learning responsibility.

    Speaking of which, if they had used a condom and/or pill, none of this would be happening.
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Just keep it honest, simple, and firm - honey, I can't afford to buy these things. Money is tight and what you are asking is something I wish I could buy, but it's completely out of the question. The money isn't there. That's really all you need to say to her and send a very clear message that she is on her own and needs to start sorting her finances out, including things for the baby.

    No need to lecture. Just a simple firm no. Be direct about it instead of the passive aggressive suggestions she borrow or get used. She needs to understand that the bank of mom is at zero balance and then start making some decisions for herself. Right now, she seems to think that you are loaded and can buy her whatever she wants and so any suggestion to get something less makes her mad. Tell her the reality - there is no extra money for what she wants. Don't even need any lengthy discussions. That will or should prompt her to get serious about money without causing bad blood between you.


    These 2 posts above = Bang on.

    It's pretty appalling that a fully grown woman at 36 is expecting you you fork out for all this stuff.

    If they can't afford another baby, they should have thought about it before jumping in the sack unprotected. They're not both 17.

    Sorry you are going through this. Must be very hard, but your daughter and her partner are being very selfish here. You've brought her up, it's not your role on this planet to be the parent to her kids too.
    You should be enjoying being a Grandmother and not being made to feel like the 'Bank of Grandmother'.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Your daughter is a wannabe mooch. Tell her you will buy one big item, like a crib, and it will be at a price you can afford. There's always used baby items for sale online, in the newspapers, on bulletin boards in stores. Nobody needs to buy new baby things. Yard sales are a great way to get baby items too. She can acquire these things at a price she can afford. Dont be a pushover or you will set a bad precedent!

    Amazon has "subscribe and save" for diapers, if you can afford to do that, set her up with delivery to her home and you pay the bill.

    At her age she ought to be self sufficient!

  8. #17
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    She is 36 not 16 enough said.

  9. #18
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm sure you're stuck between a rock and a hard spot, especially with her being your daughter. Having said that, the more important issue is how to help her understand responsibility. Unfortunately that has to come from within, yet she has to make that choice.

    Either way, I'd give more thought to allowing her to experience going without, rather than bailing her out of the consequences she needs to face.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Don't send nasty moralizing things like this, you'll regret it. Your disapproval and spewing hate won't help anyone. Simply tell her you'll get [one item] and leave it.
    I agree. No need to add insult to the 'no'. Just a plain, "Thanks for your gift list. I'll consider what I can afford and want to give, and I'll let you know."

    Boom, done, and skip the moralizing. It will not help your relationship and it won't benefit daughter to hear that stuff from you. The world will teach her all the tough love she needs.

  11. #20
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    Just as an aside - I have heard that sometimes insurance covers breast pumps -might want to check into that.

    I agree with catfeeder -just say no. No elaboration needed. Good luck!

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