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Thread: Confused and desperate

  1. #1

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    Oct 2019
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    Confused and desperate

    Hello everyone.

    I am desperate for answers and currently struggling to decide whats best for.

    A met a guy 2 years ago. ( long distance). I should also mention he is 6 years younger than me. He is 20. I am 26. We clicked very fast and he admitted to me that he really loved me before leaving. I couldn’t really do anything about it , but we were in contact constantly. We would chat for hours and hours. It wouldn’t stop. All of a sudden it stopped for a while and our chats were very short and he had to leave and study for his college exams. He failed and decided to sign up for military service. He was located close to his town so he was able to visit his parents between days. Military service is 2 years where he is. Once you sign up you must finish those two years.

    I went for a visit recently and his feelings came back and he asked me to start a relationship. I was scared , but deep down i knew i liked him and wanted to be with him. He had all the traits of a boyfriend ... jealousy , care , affection , etc ...

    Before leaving , we ended up kissing and we got really attached then. He bought me a necklace and i wore it all the time.

    We chatted on times where he came home from his service and everything was going okay , until i made the mistake of pressuring him to message me all the time and getting overly jealous over silly stuff. I told him i was getting attached and he started to change.

    He felt under pressure i believe and took a week away from me and ignored me completely. I knew i scared him away.

    He texted me last night wanting to end everything because he’s afraid that im moving too fast and he thinks he might not be able to give me what i need. He feared that i was falling in love with him too quickly.

    Side note: he mentioned that after trying with me for over a year to make me love him and it didn’t work he fell out of love and didnt want to start again because he was so heartbroken and devastated for ages. He failed because he was chatting to me all the time and signed up to military service just so he can forget me. But he started to have feelings again once i visited.

    I assured him that im moving at a slow pace and that i dont want to pressure him.

    He mentioned this though , which scared me.
    He said ‘ what if my feelings change after sleeping together?, what if i cant love you anymore ? , what if things change and you get hurt ? I fear of hurting you and i dont want it to happen and i dont want to lose feelings for you ?’

    Are men capable of such a thing ?
    Can their feelings change after sex ?
    Does he still love me but he’s too afraid to tell me again ?? .. is he trying to protect his heart ??

    I am all over the place. I really really like this man and i am getting very attached to him. Ita difficult to let go. Please help.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Amy12
    We chatted on times where he came home from his service and everything was going okay , until i made the mistake of pressuring him to message me all the time and getting overly jealous over silly stuff. I told him i was getting attached and he started to change.

    He felt under pressure i believe and took a week away from me and ignored me completely. I knew i scared him away.
    How much were you expecting to communicate with him, and what were you getting jealous about? Did he tell you he wanted space in the week he ignored you, or did he just disappear without any warning?

    As I'm reading it, he's not scared to tell you he loves you. The problem is more likely that he doesn't have those strong feelings for you, as he more or less already told you. Yes, feelings can change for some people after sex - and those are the people who usually already know they're not as into you or who already know they're not ready to commit to you. He foreshadowed this, probably because he knew he wanted to sleep with you but wasn't really sure there was enough of a connection for him to stick around after.

    Whatever the case may be, I would take him at his word that he cannot give you the sort of relationship you desire. And really, how feasible would it be with a long-distance guy in the service? He sounds like the "out of sight, out of mind" sort, which are not good candidates for anything long distance. It won't be pleasant, but I think you're best to move on from him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately he sounds too immature for the type of relationship you are looking for.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Both men and women are capable of changing. It's not exclusive to one gender. Nothing in life is 100% guaranteed. You're too insecure around him and he triggers that in you because he's immature himself. It's a bad mix. For a relationship to work, both of you need to be a bit more grounded and sure of yourselves. Even though nothing is guaranteed you hedge your bets on each other and promise to work things out reliably. There doesn't seem to be any of that here. I'm sorry to say that.

    You're better off on your own. Practice a whole lot of self-love and appreciation for yourself and your own independence. Meet people who are more likeminded or on the same wavelength and check when others do not bring out the best in you. This person doesn't seem to bring that out in you either.

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  6. #5
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    I don't think he's that into you and he doesn't want to lead you on. It's not that his feelings would change it's just that when you're not sure about someone you might still want to have intercourse despite knowing that you might not feel like seeing the person again. When a person genuinely cares for another person part of that genuine caring is believing that those caring feelings and the desire to give to that person won't change except in really extreme circumstances. Of course feelings can change -no guarantees -but when you want to commit to a person it's because your feelings are strong and secure - they feel solid, unwavering and are based on reality -the reality of that person, the good, bad, and in between. I never worry "will I wake up tomorrow and not love my husband?" but I did worry when I was in relationships I wasn't sure about like "ok so if he proposes or wants to be exclusive am I sure that I will feel committed next week or what if that guy I dated last year suddenly wants me back or what if I meet a guy who is like my guy but also has [fill in the blank]". Could I wake up tomorrow and not love my husband -well, technically, sure I guess so -anything is possible - but my strong sense is that would be because somehow overnight I'd completely lost my mind or I found out some horrible information about our marriage, etc.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You guys are long distance, he's younger than you, he has responsibilities in his military career that doesn't leave him time to focus on you...he's not able to give you what you need and he's trying to let you down easy.

    Why don't you just let him do his job without the added stress of trying to make you happy by remaining with you when he's clearly told you that he can't give you what you need/want.

    Let him go and don't muddle his head up to the point that he can't concentrate on his military duties. For all you know he may be deployed at any minute and he doesn't need to be worried about how you're taking a break up.

    You can find a man that is close to you wherein he can nurture a relationship with you the way you appear to need it to be nurtured.


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