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Thread: It hurts just as much as before

  1. #1
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    It hurts just as much as before

    Hello everyone


    I have not been around here since winter 2014, when I was dealing with a break-up which ended up in reconciliation. We kept together until autumn 2017, when our ~10 year relationship ended for good.

    When that ended, as too many of us know, the pain was...unbearable. Sleep, food, social life, colours, smells - it all disappeared. It took a few months before I regained some semblance of a functioning life.

    I have met a few girls since, nothing serious - albeit a short-lived crush during the summer of 2018. It was not before october 2018 I met someone I...really liked.

    This girl is from the same small town as me, and we have seen each other on various family events and at school growing up. I have always liked her. She is smart, beautiful, self-counscious and gracious. Becoming adults, we have both moved to the "big city" and did not keep in contact.

    Until I met her by chance last fall. It clicked immediately. And we started to date.

    I quickly learned that she had exited a long-term relationship that summer. She ended it, and was emotionally over it before doing so. I did not push the subject, and let her talk about it when she wanted to. Now come Christmas-time 2018. That was when she told me that she still lived with her ex. Which surprised me. They even shared a bedroom (without the sex). I did not make a big fuzz out of it, but told her I could not see how that was a good idea, and that it raised questions for myself. This seemed to "wake her up".

    She changed bedrooms after that, and after a (short) while her ex moved out. Over the next months I really felt she started to fall in love with me. Our chemistry was great, both mentally and physically. And gradually I started to trust the process and her sincerity. During this time, we never had "the talk" about what we were - except one time when she said that she did not want to be "my waiting station" before I found someone "better". To which I replied "of course not", and "I could say the same thing to you".

    Through spring and summer 2019 we spent a lot of time together. And it was great. The only thing that bothered me at times was our communication between seeing each other. She could take quite long to respond and/or to contact me. That is just who she is, and I even liked her ability to not being "on the phone / connected" at all times. That being said, it gave me some stress at times and I had to be honest with her about it. Which went down pretty fine.

    Now, as time went I felt an increasing need to "define" what we were and where we were going.

    Red flags? Very few, the only thing I can see in retrospect is that contact lessened a bit (not much, this is how she is in the first place) from her side just the very last few weeks, when she was on two holidays abroad.

    Come last week: I thought she would be overjoyed when I said that "I really like you, and I really want to make this work / give us a proper shot going forward". Stupidly, I sort of bursted this out last tuesday during an otherwise nice phone-call in which we had decided to meet the following thursday. I was one hundred per cent sure she would reply in kind, and that it was a formality more than anything else and something which would bring us both joy.

    Boy, was I wrong. She just became quiet. And finally said "I do not think we have more to go on as a couple". This, of course, hit me hard. I was dumbfounded, ended up becoming upset and crying. After hanging up, I was in shock - thus sending a few texts where I expressed my disbelief, that I did not want us to end and apologising for bringing it up over the phone.

    The next day she suggested meeting on (last) thursday, to which I agreed. No sleep and a racing heart until we did. She visited me and I had prepared (written down) what I wanted to say. I told her what I liked about her, why it took some time for me to trust her and the process (given her ex and my fear of entering something too quickly), and that I really believed our bond and match deserved a chance.

    She was almost entirely quiet, and all she could really say was "it does not feel right enough, I am surprised myself". I could not get her to talk beyond that. So she walked out the door to me saying "I am sorry, I just don't understand this, this cannot be right....but I respect your decision, and this is going to hurt so much. So I will be cutting contact...".

    The following day (friday), and still utterly confused, I sent her an email saying that "I respect your decision. That said, I would welcome an explanation beyond what little you said last night - if possible. You know what I think and feel, and you find that (what I told you last evening) enclosed below - all the best".

    What boggles my mind is how...seemingly in love she was until I raised the topic of "defining" our dating / relationship. Just a few days earlier we had dinner, with flowers and intimacy resembling a young couple in love. How can she tell me all kinds of nice things and refuse me to leave the bed... To me, that matters and means something substantial... I am so hurt and dumbfounded that she just pulls the plug like that.

    In retrospect, I can only try to understand. She was "warmer" than I dared early on. It took some more time before I trusted her and the...process. And when I came around maybe she was...done on some underlying level? I just wish she / we could have communicated before it was too late. Maybe she is running away from her feelings? Maybe she is not ready for something serious?

    Whatever the case, I am utterly devastated. I tried to protect my heart and failed miserabely. Just when I felt "safe" I got struck down. It all feels meaningless, and I am so tired. So tried from crying, so tired of trying, so tired of getting hurt. To be honest, it feels like it would be nice to just...give up.

    Two days ago (monday) she replied to the email I sent her on friday:

    "Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright".

    It is impossible to tell what that second sentence refers to. I have not answered, and will not do so either.

    I just miss my best friend.
    I miss my lover.
    I am still in shock.
    It hurts just as much as before.


    Thanks for reading, I figured I might as well write it out since I can't do anything else than cry at work.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like she's a big communicator and you may have filled in the blanks a little. Is it possible that you fell in love with a woman that was half a figment of your imagination? She seems barely there. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who responds days later. You both never seemed like you were on the same page.

    It takes awhile to reorient yourself but it will get better. Don't give up for good. Give up for now if you need time to space out.

  3. #3
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    Thank you for reaching out, I really appreciate it.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It doesn't sound like she's a big communicator... Is it possible that you fell in love with a woman that was half a figment of your imagination?
    That is somewhat true. At least when it comes to feelings and relationship issues. My imagination? I do not think so to be honest.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    She seems barely there. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who responds days later.
    It was not quite that bad. It was some instances I felt she was..."someplace else". Rather I'd say she acted like we were an established couple when we were not together.

    Beyond those occasions we became best friends and talked pretty much every day.


    Have not heard from hear since the "Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright" on monday.

    Clinging to a small hope that she will reconsider and start to communicate towards reconcilation. However, I do not feel it to be likely.

    So yeah, I guess the band-aid ought to be finally ripped off soon. I am hurting enough as it is, but the aforementioned hope keeps me in limbo.

    The nights are the worst. I dream about her and my thoughts about us which repeats throughout the day. So I sleep poorly and wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed.

    Beyond loosing her, I am scared from realising how poor my resilience seems to be. I think I need help. Be it medication, therapy and/or a "total break".

    Sorry and embarassed as I am to admit it, it feels as if I can't really go on much longer like this.

    As always, thanks for reading. I wish I could provide other hurting people with insights or hope - but I cannot. Not yet.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she is stalling perhaps being "nice", but does not want to reconcile.
    Originally Posted by H3nk1
    Have not heard from hear since the "Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright" on monday.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she is stalling perhaps being "nice", but does not want to reconcile.
    Yes, afraid so...

    That being said, such behaviour goes against how smart and caring I know her to be. She knows very much that such stalling is anything but "nice".

    Which makes it even sadder.

    Ugh.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by H3nk1
    Thank you for reaching out, I really appreciate it.



    That is somewhat true. At least when it comes to feelings and relationship issues. My imagination? I do not think so to be honest.



    It was not quite that bad. It was some instances I felt she was..."someplace else". Rather I'd say she acted like we were an established couple when we were not together.

    Beyond those occasions we became best friends and talked pretty much every day.


    Have not heard from hear since the "Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright" on monday.

    Clinging to a small hope that she will reconsider and start to communicate towards reconcilation. However, I do not feel it to be likely.

    So yeah, I guess the band-aid ought to be finally ripped off soon. I am hurting enough as it is, but the aforementioned hope keeps me in limbo.

    The nights are the worst. I dream about her and my thoughts about us which repeats throughout the day. So I sleep poorly and wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed.

    Beyond loosing her, I am scared from realising how poor my resilience seems to be. I think I need help. Be it medication, therapy and/or a "total break".

    Sorry and embarassed as I am to admit it, it feels as if I can't really go on much longer like this.

    As always, thanks for reading. I wish I could provide other hurting people with insights or hope - but I cannot. Not yet.
    Gosh, I could read the sadness and pain in your words. I'm very sorry this is happening. You shouldn't feel embarrassed for feeling the way you do. What I found in dark times was that good company was often the best medicine. After getting off the phone or being with a good friend chatting for an hour or so about other things, it always made the burden much lighter to bear. I don't think you have poor resilience. You're just feeling down and that's perfectly ok. Don't be so hard on yourself.

    Sometimes what also helps is not having too many expectations of yourself while you try and get back to your usual self. If you can't sleep as well, ok, so what. If you need a day off from work (I'm talking about one vacation day off or personal day), take that personal day and do something nice for yourself. Or take the afternoon or morning off/ a half day. Take yourself out to a nice place, get a concert ticket, take a drive out or go see a movie and buy the biggest popcorn with a beer or glass of wine and get the VIP seats. I sometimes do that and head straight for the VIP lounge. The theater's a little nicer. I think you just need some TLC. You're the best person for that so take care of yourself.

  8. #7
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    Sorry for the double post, but I cannot seem edit older posts on mobile...

    I have one question though: Should I just leave her be, or push for closure to get out of limbo (and face the certainty that the relationship is over)?

    Edit:

    Rose, you posted while I wrote the above question.

    Thank you so very much for your kind words and support.

    Your suggestions are great. That said, as of today, all I can manage is talking with friends and having people around me whom I trust. It seems such a long way off to do something nice for myself, alone.

    For some reason, just the thought of going to a movie or concert alone makes me cry. I guess it is because those were «our» things, and the pain is raw.

    Thanks again.
    Last edited by H3nk1; 10-11-2019 at 01:59 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by H3nk1
    Sorry for the double post, but I cannot seem edit older posts on mobile...

    I have one question though: Should I just leave her be, or push for closure to get out of limbo (and face the certainty that the relationship is over)?
    It's your call... I don't think you have anything left to lose except your pride. If she doesn't respond and it's worse of an answer, how would that make you feel? Are you sure you're not just wanting a reaction (any reaction) from her because you're lonely?

  10. #9
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    (I edited / replied above^)

    To be honest, the main reason for not pushing through closure is my faint hope that she MAY actually need time and space to reflect. At the same time, this hope keeps me stuck. She would respond if I contacted her.

    So there is hope and fear vs. getting closure and facing reality. I don’t know what to do. And maybe that is okay too.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by H3nk1
    Sorry for the double post, but I cannot seem edit older posts on mobile...

    I have one question though: Should I just leave her be, or push for closure to get out of limbo (and face the certainty that the relationship is over)?

    Edit:

    Rose, you posted while I wrote the above question.

    Thank you so very much for your kind words and support.

    Your suggestions are great. That said, as of today, all I can manage is talking with friends and having people around me whom I trust. It seems such a long way off to do something nice for myself, alone.

    For some reason, just the thought of going to a movie or concert alone makes me cry.

    Thanks again.
    Then don't worry about doing anything alone. Be with friends who love and support you. See what your cousins or siblings are up to also if you have any close by or if you're close to any of them. Resiliency is just the short form for 'one day at a time' and doing what's best for you. So... one day at a time.

    Re post#9: I'd speak with her when you're feeling a bit more of yourself again. Maybe give yourself the weekend(this weekend) to put things in some perspective and collect your thoughts. I could be wrong. I feel like you're hurting quite a bit right now and reeling from disappointment/sadness.

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