Hello everyone
I have not been around here since winter 2014, when I was dealing with a break-up which ended up in reconciliation. We kept together until autumn 2017, when our ~10 year relationship ended for good.
When that ended, as too many of us know, the pain was...unbearable. Sleep, food, social life, colours, smells - it all disappeared. It took a few months before I regained some semblance of a functioning life.
I have met a few girls since, nothing serious - albeit a short-lived crush during the summer of 2018. It was not before october 2018 I met someone I...really liked.
This girl is from the same small town as me, and we have seen each other on various family events and at school growing up. I have always liked her. She is smart, beautiful, self-counscious and gracious. Becoming adults, we have both moved to the "big city" and did not keep in contact.
Until I met her by chance last fall. It clicked immediately. And we started to date.
I quickly learned that she had exited a long-term relationship that summer. She ended it, and was emotionally over it before doing so. I did not push the subject, and let her talk about it when she wanted to. Now come Christmas-time 2018. That was when she told me that she still lived with her ex. Which surprised me. They even shared a bedroom (without the sex). I did not make a big fuzz out of it, but told her I could not see how that was a good idea, and that it raised questions for myself. This seemed to "wake her up".
She changed bedrooms after that, and after a (short) while her ex moved out. Over the next months I really felt she started to fall in love with me. Our chemistry was great, both mentally and physically. And gradually I started to trust the process and her sincerity. During this time, we never had "the talk" about what we were - except one time when she said that she did not want to be "my waiting station" before I found someone "better". To which I replied "of course not", and "I could say the same thing to you".
Through spring and summer 2019 we spent a lot of time together. And it was great. The only thing that bothered me at times was our communication between seeing each other. She could take quite long to respond and/or to contact me. That is just who she is, and I even liked her ability to not being "on the phone / connected" at all times. That being said, it gave me some stress at times and I had to be honest with her about it. Which went down pretty fine.
Now, as time went I felt an increasing need to "define" what we were and where we were going.
Red flags? Very few, the only thing I can see in retrospect is that contact lessened a bit (not much, this is how she is in the first place) from her side just the very last few weeks, when she was on two holidays abroad.
Come last week: I thought she would be overjoyed when I said that "I really like you, and I really want to make this work / give us a proper shot going forward". Stupidly, I sort of bursted this out last tuesday during an otherwise nice phone-call in which we had decided to meet the following thursday. I was one hundred per cent sure she would reply in kind, and that it was a formality more than anything else and something which would bring us both joy.
Boy, was I wrong. She just became quiet. And finally said "I do not think we have more to go on as a couple". This, of course, hit me hard. I was dumbfounded, ended up becoming upset and crying. After hanging up, I was in shock - thus sending a few texts where I expressed my disbelief, that I did not want us to end and apologising for bringing it up over the phone.
The next day she suggested meeting on (last) thursday, to which I agreed. No sleep and a racing heart until we did. She visited me and I had prepared (written down) what I wanted to say. I told her what I liked about her, why it took some time for me to trust her and the process (given her ex and my fear of entering something too quickly), and that I really believed our bond and match deserved a chance.
She was almost entirely quiet, and all she could really say was "it does not feel right enough, I am surprised myself". I could not get her to talk beyond that. So she walked out the door to me saying "I am sorry, I just don't understand this, this cannot be right....but I respect your decision, and this is going to hurt so much. So I will be cutting contact...".
The following day (friday), and still utterly confused, I sent her an email saying that "I respect your decision. That said, I would welcome an explanation beyond what little you said last night - if possible. You know what I think and feel, and you find that (what I told you last evening) enclosed below - all the best".
What boggles my mind is how...seemingly in love she was until I raised the topic of "defining" our dating / relationship. Just a few days earlier we had dinner, with flowers and intimacy resembling a young couple in love. How can she tell me all kinds of nice things and refuse me to leave the bed... To me, that matters and means something substantial... I am so hurt and dumbfounded that she just pulls the plug like that.
In retrospect, I can only try to understand. She was "warmer" than I dared early on. It took some more time before I trusted her and the...process. And when I came around maybe she was...done on some underlying level? I just wish she / we could have communicated before it was too late. Maybe she is running away from her feelings? Maybe she is not ready for something serious?
Whatever the case, I am utterly devastated. I tried to protect my heart and failed miserabely. Just when I felt "safe" I got struck down. It all feels meaningless, and I am so tired. So tried from crying, so tired of trying, so tired of getting hurt. To be honest, it feels like it would be nice to just...give up.
Two days ago (monday) she replied to the email I sent her on friday:
"Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have seen your email / letter. And that I am thinking about it / considering it / reconsidering (not sure what the best english translation is). Hope that is alright".
It is impossible to tell what that second sentence refers to. I have not answered, and will not do so either.
I just miss my best friend.
I miss my lover.
I am still in shock.
It hurts just as much as before.
Thanks for reading, I figured I might as well write it out since I can't do anything else than cry at work.
Reply With Quote
