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Thread: It hurts just as much as before

  1. #31
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    You can "unfollow " her choir page.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Since when can group pages not be blocked?

    Try googling it.

    If nothing else ‘hide’ any notifications from it.

  3. #33
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    Hey man, how you been? Any better?

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Hey man, how you been? Any better?
    Hi Ryan - thanks for asking!

    I am doing a bit better... No contact going strong, and have finished my ketamine treatments for the time being. They have helped me gain some "space" around the pain and established (destructive) thought patterns - allowing me to think more constructively.

    And would you believe it, I even got asked on a date early last week. Straight out of the blue - by an amazing woman (PhD, MBA, funny, smart, great looks - i.e. "too good to be true"). I met her for a quick dinner on Friday when she visited my city on a job trip (she lives an hours flight away). And we took a walk on saturday. Leading up to that she really charmed me / swept me off my feet with flirting and compliments - the whole "you are amazing", "have never laughed this much in with a guy", "so many first times with you", "first date I have looked forward to in years", "I think we may have struck gold with each other".

    Long story short: Dinner on Friday was magical. The walk on Saturday was nice. We shared a lot of common interests and perspectives.

    Life, huh?

    Soo, meeting her really put things into perspective. Which is a good thing.

    That said, now I am quite stressed about keeping in touch with her. She seems to be pulling away, surprising me given her excitement, confirmations and flirting before and thoughout our two dateas. I have held back and refrained from pushing (which might really be what she wants / wanted). Her living in another city as well...not optimal.

    I am - not surprisingly - quite vulnerable for the time being, being ever open-hearted in addition. As such, people like her can really get my expectations high. Indeed, I am literally dumbfounded and alarmed by her (and others') ability to be "ultra-warm", flirtishous and charming...just to turn cold / distant in an instant. I find it hard to protect myself against that trait.

    I got to try and not get too carried away by this person, and get focus back on myself. Easier said that done, though! It is highly unlikely to manifest in anything, and I must accept it and move on taking care of myself first.

    How are you doing, friend?

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Been following this thread from the sidelines, feeling for you.

    I was in very similar shoes two years ago—shoes we all end up in, here and there, and can relate to how hard it is. Won't bore you with my own story, but will say that it does get better, and that it sounds like you're taking all the right steps to get there. It's a process—hard, but rewarding, if you can be strong and humble enough to really lean into it as opposed to finding ways to sidestep it.

    I'd think of the other night as a glimpse of the "rewarding" part, rather than thinking of it as the reward, if that makes sense. Reminds me of a few scenarios I had when I was in various states of healing. I'll share, hoping it helps you as you thwack at the weeds:

    Scenario One: Some 2.5 months after my breakup, when I was still pretty shot—tears coming in the middle of yoga class, and so on—I met a pretty amazing woman. Wasn't trying to date, knew I wasn't "ready," but what do you know? We met, out in the wilds of the world, had some drinks. Great conversation during which I kind of felt two things: a weight lifting (light at the end of tunnel!) and a new weight settling (OMG OMG OMG!). We shared a nice hug in the cold, made plans to meet up again a few days later. Alas, she faded out. It stung a bit, but deep down I knew I wasn't really ready, that she probably sensed that and was protecting herself, or at least that was my gut read. Was what it was—not the fairytale but, in ways, something better: a kind of refreshing preview into a reality I was taking steps toward inhabiting, one where I felt alive again inside my own skin.

    Scenario Two: Flash-forward another 5-6 months. No dating, lots of travel, plenty of reflection and "self-work." I'm getting settled in a new city, feeling a familiar bounce back in my step, enjoying being in my own skin, truly. Still thinking about my ex, but the thoughts are much less sharp, less frequent. And I meet someone without looking for it! Smart, engaging, attractive. We have a little thing—though, within about two weeks, I realize I'm not totally feeling it. Not because I'm an "unavailable mess," but because I'm a "human." Didn't feel "loaded," didn't make me judge myself or spin back into the breakup vertigo. It was just, you know, dating. The fact that it wasn't some heavy thing with expectations wildly disproportionate to reality kind of let me know that I was "ready." It was just as refreshing, in ways.

    Most people that you have "magical" nights with, as you know, are not going to become your future forever person. That's okay. Doesn't negate the magic. As you continue to get back on your feet that will continue to become more clear—so hopefully this moment, even if it fizzles, can lift you up a bit more than it brings you down.

    Best of luck.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by H3nk1
    I got to try and not get too carried away by this person, and get focus back on myself. Easier said that done, though! It is highly unlikely to manifest in anything, and I must accept it and move on taking care of myself first.

    this is a very good perspective to have; however, be careful to not create your own self-fulfilling prophecy too.

    What is more important is - as you can see - life will move on; again and again and again. Someone who breaks your heart and feels like they can never be replaced can (once we've allowed ourselves to accept it) be replaced as quickly as that... even for a short period of time if this current person does not prove to be - as bluecastle puts it - your "forever person".

    Don't sell yourself so short with the "too good to be true" line. You're clearly desirable to women who have a lot going for them; don't let that get to your head but also don't let it make you feel like any of the previous experiences were flukes or one-offs. Get back out there, be a gentleman, but pursue people who you may think as "too good to be true" and you'll likely be surprised that you stack up more than you think compared to other options.

    Personally I'm dating as well, it's going good - four months post-heartbreak I'm excited to meet new people again and it's been a lot of fun so far! Taking it slower and have learned my lesson from the previous lol.

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