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Thread: It hurts just as much as before

  1. #21
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    Time buddy; gotta give time and keep focus on doing life despite her being stuck in your head right now. Been about three months for me and while I still think of her every single day, it has gotten better than when I was where you were.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Time buddy; gotta give time and keep focus on doing life despite her being stuck in your head right now. Been about three months for me and while I still think of her every single day, it has gotten better than when I was where you were.
    Glad to hear it has gotten better..! Thanks for chiming in, Ryan.

    Review of the first week of full NC since she called me last sunday:

    Time seems to move very...slow.

    I have had two treatments (ketamine), and those have given me some ęair / spaceĽ to handle the pain and most destructive thought patterns. One more treatment planned tomorrow, and then I will follow up with my therapist on tuesday.

    This time, I will fight heartbreak and (reawakened) depression with everything I got. Spending months in a black, despondent and lonely place is not an option for me anymore. For that I am too old, too tired and too fed-up.

    I try to think rationally in-between the waves of grief and hurt. She left. I tried. I do not pursue. And, while I am very dissapointed - it is literally absurd to seek reconciliation or a relationship with someone that does not want to be with...me and/or put in the work.

    Nights are still the worst. Those vivid dreams seem so real, and I still feel like I am waking up to a nightmare.

    Today, I went to the christening of one of my best friendís 6 weeks old son. It is tough meeting your friends - all settling down and becoming families (I am 34). It was nice to see them, yet very...lonely. I got through it with just one bout of crying in the bathroom.

    Damnit, I miss her so very much.

    Sigh, so that is week one. Watching football at my local pub and writing here. My heartfelt empathy to everyone who are going through the throes of heartbreak.

  3. #23
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    I'm 34 too, buddy - watching Football right now myself; although it's our American version and we watch in a bar :P

    Here's the thing to remember; all around you everyone is at a different part in life - some are single, some are married, some have kids ... yet everyone has to potential to be incredibly unhappy with where they are and wish they could trade places with another. The number of unhappy marriages, unhappy families, unfulfilled hearts that settled... there are plenty of wonderful marriages out there and couples who fell in true love and there are just as many that went for 'good enough' or worse, are married and waking up each day realizing they made a mistake with the wrong person and it's a long and painful road to try to walk back on.

    You're heartbroken, but you're also single. You're one step away from the perfect relationship, utterly free to do you and be you while knowing what you want from your previous relationship ... I know married people who in their darkest moments, envy to have that again.

    So don't compare yourself to others, focus on you instead. And try to focus on not self-loathing; she left your life. She left someone who clearly would have given anything to have her go. This is her loss in the end; we should all be so lucky as to find anyone who cares as much as someone who loves us does. But focus on you and use this to re-calibrate yourself and your life to make it better than even before.

  4. #24
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    Also, yes, first month and a half I hoped to anything that would listen that she would call or text; we ended when everything seemed to be going so great and fun because she said that while she was in love with me, she was scared to commit to a relationship (she had left another guy for myself after we had met) and - while I have had plenty of partners in life - afterwards, for the first time in my life, someone leaving had hit me like a ton of bricks falling off a skyscraper.

    Three months in now, while I miss her terribly and still have the occasional dream with her in it; I'm at a point where I honestly don't think I would take her back if she called. It would be a restart entirely and I'd maybe get a coffee with her just to feel it out; however, realistically if I was to date her again I'd be concerned she would just drop me like a sack again the first sign of trouble. I'm no one's fall-back option and in the words of the great Gloria Gaynor, "I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me" lol.


    If you could choose a life of wonderful, thrilling ups and crushing, Earth-rattling lows - or a life of steady mediocrity where not much changes; would you really choose the second? I know I wouldn't, but that also means I need to accept it when I'm in a crushing, Earth-rattling low.

    You'll get there. Just takes time and you have plenty of that.

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  6. #25
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    [Register to see the link]

    Aaron Bleyaert put it wonderfully in words back in 2015 when going through exactly where you are now.

    And I believe he was a couple years older than you at that time too; no age limit on heartbreak or love.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    I'm 34 too, buddy - watching Football right now myself; although it's our American version and we watch in a bar :P

    Here's the thing to remember; all around you everyone is at a different part in life...

    You're heartbroken, but you're also single. You're one step away from the perfect relationship, utterly free to do you and be you while knowing what you want from your previous relationship ...

    So don't compare yourself to others, focus on you instead. And try to focus on not self-loathing; she left your life. She left someone who clearly would have given anything to have her go. This is her loss in the end; we should all be so lucky as to find anyone who cares as much as someone who loves us does. But focus on you and use this to re-calibrate yourself and your life to make it better than even before.
    I really enjoy American Football as well! I try to watch the Super Bowl every year.

    Do I ever long for the day when being "single" and "free" makes me feel better. I have faced a lot of trouble throughout my life, but nothing has ever disconnected me from the world or brought about so much pain as heartbreak. Even though you cognitively understand why and how your brain and body is reacting to rejection and loss, it does not help much. This panicky, anxious and painful state is ******* horrible.

    Ugh, it is still so raw that focusing on myself seems...impossible and/or futile. One day at a time, I guess.

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Also, yes, first month and a half I hoped to anything that would listen that she would call or text; we ended when everything seemed to be going so great and fun because she said that while she was in love with me, she was scared to commit to a relationship (she had left another guy for myself after we had met) and - while I have had plenty of partners in life - afterwards, for the first time in my life, someone leaving had hit me like a ton of bricks falling off a skyscraper.
    Dang, pretty similar situation it seems...letting your guard down and creating (justifiable) expectations of a future together. Then boom, suprise surprise, they are gone with you being at a total loss as to what just happened, while falling apart.

    And it is also true, that when you really like / love someone, them leaving you is...unbearable. You have to experience it to understand. When you talk to friends, family or strangers, you can immediately tell if they have gone through the same, or not.

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Three months in now, while I miss her terribly and still have the occasional dream with her in it; I'm at a point where I honestly don't think I would take her back if she called. It would be a restart entirely and I'd maybe get a coffee with her just to feel it out; however, realistically if I was to date her again I'd be concerned she would just drop me like a sack again the first sign of trouble.
    Yes, ain't that the truth. My relationship before this one lasted ~10 years, with two shorter breaks initiated by her. She came back both times after 4-5 weeks. Needless to say, she ended up leaving for good in the end - and in the periods between, did I ever struggle to feel entirely "safe".

    Right now, I would probably not be strong enough to reject a reconciliation attempt. That said, I hope I reach that point as soon as possible.

    Not communicating and fleeing from minor bumps in the road are huge red-flags..! I do not remember where I read it, but someone wrote that "love is an action". And that is so true. It is when times get rough good partners step up, and the "bad" ones run away.

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    If you could choose a life of wonderful, thrilling ups and crushing, Earth-rattling lows - or a life of steady mediocrity where not much changes; would you really choose the second? I know I wouldn't, but that also means I need to accept it when I'm in a crushing, Earth-rattling low.

    You'll get there. Just takes time and you have plenty of that.

    Aaron Bleyaert put it wonderfully in words back in 2015 when going through exactly where you are now.
    Hah, ask me that same question again in a few weeks - because right not the mediocrity options seems very tempting.

    Wow, that piece by Bleyaert made me tear up at work - we changed offices today, so now I have a spectacular view of the opera and barcode (Oslo). Watching life go by, looking in from the outside.

    Thank you again, friend.

  8. #27
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    Today's lesson: no social ******* media.

    I have been "good" at NC so far. Until now. A friend of mine was tagged as going to a concert...a concert with the choir she sings in (she is a professional singer). One click, and low and behold: there were several pictures of her, some from just a few days ago. Just looking at them...and how (I hate to say it) beautiful she is, made my chest hurt so much I would have thought it to be a heart attack had it not happened then and there.

    So yeah, no more of that. To anyone else in my situation, take heed.

    Already tired of this painful and exhausting process.

    Going to a lecture soon, even though it is the last thing I feel like.

  9. #28
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    Yeah, that's rule #1; you need to avoid the social media aspect. Dis-friend her and block/mute anyone who is associated for a few months.

    The feeling is awful; it's the heart drops backwards in your chest and you feel like you lost all progress feeling. But even that will get better too; it's weird but within a few months that will start to subside and you won't feel the mule-kick from it anymore. Then you can slowly, slowly adjust back to unblocking/unmuting as long as you start to feel less hurt when you see her and more indifference.

    It sounds impossible, but like I've said, I've been there recently with someone I saw as a 10/10 for beauty in all aspects for my mind at the time. One of those people you cannot believe you ran across and ended up sharing time together; albeit being a doomed time.

    But now, when I see her photo/etc., I don't have nearly the same incredibly painful reaction nor - like I said - do I think I'd take her back if she wanted, not out of spite, but out of not thinking it would work given how abruptly she decided to walk away a few months ago.

    Love is partly their appearance/personality/etc., but also partly your brain going "Yes, this is a good partner" and creating a far more emotional, chemical attachment to that person than you would have for her if she had been utterly unavailable in the first place. It's how we survived as a species to raise families, but it also isn't singular since part of the human survival is the ability to find new partners when tragedy struck.

    Your brain will reel back in the net, slowly ... and cast it back out to another person who will meet your criteria for appearance/personality/etc. and the brain will do the rest, all over again.

    You KNOW she wasn't the first girl you've fallen for; and there will be others. I bet when you fell for the one before her you thought no one could possibly be as perfect as that woman (even if it was just a crush and not a relationship, ) - and look what happened given time for that lol

    There will be others. It will happen for you again and you'll know new warning signs and know new skills to create a healthy, long-lasting relationship. But for now these things just take time.
    Last edited by RyanMI; 10-23-2019 at 05:30 PM.

  10. #29
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    Also, remember, break-ups happen like this. One party gets blindsided by the other and is hurt how the other party seems to be just fine afterwards while the one who was dumped is in shambles.

    Man, this forum is full of people feeling like that. But it's normal. This was her decision; she wants it, she got it.

    But you're the true gentleman who will stay out of her life since that's what she wanted and you care for her wishes despite them being utterly against your own. You'll handle this for her with decency deserved to your own pride and she can recall someday how respectful you are.

    She can learn to miss you later; right now is time for you to miss her but also heal and look after yourself.

    You didn't lose any ground in your healing, minor slip by looking at social media and coming across her. Right back to it.
    Last edited by RyanMI; 10-23-2019 at 05:38 PM.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Yeah, that's rule #1; you need to avoid the social media aspect. Dis-friend her and block/mute anyone who is associated for a few months.

    The feeling is awful; it's the heart drops backwards in your chest and you feel like you lost all progress feeling. But even that will get better too; it's weird but within a few months that will start to subside and you won't feel the mule-kick from it anymore. Then you can slowly, slowly adjust back to unblocking/unmuting as long as you start to feel less hurt when you see her and more indifference.

    It sounds impossible, but like I've said, I've been there recently with someone I saw as a 10/10 for beauty in all aspects for my mind at the time. One of those people you cannot believe you ran across and ended up sharing time together; albeit being a doomed time.
    Indeed. This was a FB-page (for the choir she sings in), which unfortunately it seems cannot be blocked. So avoiding that page and others comes down to discipline going forward.

    Indifference cannot come soon enough. The pang of pain in my chest stayed with me the entire day and night. The following morning I could literally not get up.

    Thus, yesterday was spent lying down, crying most of the time. At some point the tension and pain subsided. Ever had one of those days?

    As a guy, I find it pretty hard to admit... I know most people would be nice enough to say that it is nothing to be ashamed of, but that does not mean it is easy to avoid feeling like a pathetic piece of... Sigh.

    Today, I feel a bit "better" and am back at work. Tears at the ready, but not uncontainable.

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    ...but it also isn't singular since part of the human survival is the ability to find new partners when tragedy struck.

    Your brain will reel back in the net, slowly ... and cast it back out to another person who will meet your criteria for appearance/personality/etc. and the brain will do the rest, all over again.

    You KNOW she wasn't the first girl you've fallen for; and there will be others. I bet when you fell for the one before her you thought no one could possibly be as perfect as that woman (even if it was just a crush and not a relationship, ) - and look what happened given time for that lol

    There will be others. It will happen for you again and you'll know new warning signs and know new skills to create a healthy, long-lasting relationship. But for now these things just take time.
    Ain't that the truth, thank you. I really appreciate you checking in with empathy and...facts.

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    You'll handle this for her with decency deserved to your own pride and she can recall someday how respectful you are.

    She can learn to miss you later; right now is time for you to miss her but also heal and look after yourself.

    You didn't lose any ground in your healing, minor slip by looking at social media and coming across her. Right back to it.
    I will, there really is no alternative... I care for her way too much to stand in her way. Despite the hurt, I just want her to be happy - but **** it is painful alright. A part of me wish she knew how hard I fight to let her be...and eventually let her go.

    Right back to it is. Thanks again, friend.
    Last edited by H3nk1; 10-24-2019 at 05:21 AM.

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