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Thread: It hurts just as much as before

  1. #11
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I donít think you truly healed from your first breakup.

    You stated there were Ďfewí red flags but... she was still sleeping in the same room as her ex boyfriend... I think itís possible her unavailability is what drew you to her to begin with. Proving yourself worthy, it may be the type of relationships you seek.

    I think it may be time to seek the help of a counselor.

    Yes the pain is just as bad, itís compounded, now instead of one breakup youíre healing from two, Iím sorry. Try not to rebound again, itís very unhealthy.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    You stated there were Ďfewí red flags but... she was still sleeping in the same room as her ex boyfriend... I think itís possible her unavailability is what drew you to her to begin with. Proving yourself worthy, it may be the type of relationships you seek.
    I do not think so, to be honest. Rather, when I learned of this around new years 2018/19, I made it clear that I did not appreciate it. We had just started dating around that time. And I thus kept distance until he had moved out. So it pushed me away initially.

    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I donít think you truly healed from your first breakup.

    I think it may be time to seek the help of a counselor.

    Yes the pain is just as bad, itís compounded, now instead of one breakup youíre healing from two, Iím sorry. Try not to rebound again, itís very unhealthy.
    That might be right... I did feel comfortable to start dating again, though. A rebound? It did not feel like it at the time, and I do not consider it as such now. Maybe that will change.

    I have already arranged for a session with the counselor I talked with following my former break-up.

    I do need help. Still havenít heard from her.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by H3nk1
    I do not think so, to be honest. Rather, when I learned of this around new years 2018/19, I made it clear that I did not appreciate it. We had just started dating around that time. And I thus kept distance until he had moved out. So it pushed me away initially.
    You donít seem to recognize that she was not dating material at all. It didnít really push you away you still circled until he moved out meaning you were still in the picture. You gave her no time between relationships. Just because she told you she emotionally checked out doesnít mean itís true. When it comes to matters of the heart you have to be your own advocate. Set boundaries and follow them. Rebounding is a big red flag.


    Originally Posted by H3nk1

    That might be right... I did feel comfortable to start dating again, though. A rebound? It did not feel like it at the time, and I do not consider it as such now. Maybe that will change.

    I have already arranged for a session with the counselor I talked with following my former break-up.

    I do need help. Still havenít heard from her.
    Excellent.

    I hope youíre able to work through everything.

    It will be ok, take things one day at a time.

    You very well may not hear from her.

    Think back to the ex before you, he was discarded as well wasnít he? Thereís a saying pay attention to how they treat other people. Itís often a mirror of how they will treat you. For your own emotional health itís best you donít hear from her, she doesnít seem to be too mindful of other peopleís feelings.

  4. #14
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    Ah, your perspective resonates very well with me now. Thank you!

    Borrowed my brotherís dog for the weekend, and it is good company.

    I am glad forums like this exists. It really does help in the midst of...it all.

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  6. #15
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    Utterly broken

    She called. Had wanted to call all week and had tried several times to write a letter back - but did not feel comfortable with how they ended up.

    It was...a nice yet utterly devastating talk. My heart is in pieces. She, on the other hand, now have her conscience clean and can cross it of the to-do list.

    Anyhow: Her choice is made. I told her I would not pursue, even though I would like nothing more than to fight and/or work with her towards reconciliation.

    I am so hurt by the fact that she does not find me or "us" worth taking further. I sincerely believed we had a meaningful and "one-of-a-kind" (yeah, I know how stupid it sounds) bond - both mentally and physically.

    What makes it particularly painful is that in our last conversation, she demonstrated the very qualities that made me fall for her in the first place. She is smart, kind, honest and caring. Her clarity and reflections are those of a woman I deeply respect and admire. I have no reason to be angry or bitter.

    She was kind enough to not drag me through a laundry-list of reasons as to why she is leaving me. Rather, she stressed that the few minor negative things that had occured would have been easily fixable if she had had the motivation to communicate with me towards building a relationship. And when that intrinsic motivation is missing, it has to end.

    I am terrified of facing down this pain and deal with the grief. I need to address core aspects of my life, and to do so - I need help. As such, I am glad (well, not "glad" but at least I am doing something...) I already have made an appointment with my former therapist.

    This rejection is...shattering. For several reasons. This is the first woman I could actually picture a future with - without fooling myself.

    That said, I MUST try to appreciate that it is the idea of "us" I am in love with? That the pain stems from the loss of a possible future? She cannot have been "the one" now can she? If she was, things would have turned out differently...no? I do not know, my head is spinning.

    Ugh, tonight will be brutal. I would not wish heartbreak on anyone
    Last edited by H3nk1; 10-13-2019 at 06:38 PM.

  7. #16
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    Two days later

    I am disconnected from the world. It passes by and I am outside looking in, not able to take part. The emotional pain is severe, and I am scared of becoming stuck.

    It is very hard not to ruminate over what has happened, why, how and about the many what-ifs. It is very hard not to berate- and be very cruel to myself. The voice in my head is not my friend.

    First meeting with my therapist was alright. I am so done with retrospection - previous therapy has done more than enough of that. No more. I need to tackle this head-on and on a much more practical level. As such, I have arranged for 3 treatments with ketamine for depression (the first clinic in my country who offers this treatment-option) over the next week or so. After that, I will follow up with the therapist.

    There seems to be a war going on in my head. On one side, I have the voice of previous losses (this one included). With all their associated hurt, self-blame and "established truths" about myself and my relationships (i.e. "I will always be alone / abondoned", "I am not enough"). On the other side is the voice of compassion, reason and reality - which provides the only way to get through this and heal.

    I am scared because the latter voice is so weak, compared to the one which makes life hell. But I cannot give up.

    If anyone have books to recommend and/or other resources which might be helpful going forward - I would be grateful for suggestions.

    The nights and dreams are the worst. But maybe that is just part of the process...

  8. #17
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    Oh, buddy - I've been there.

    Almost identically to you, I was there in July.

    It's a hard, hard fall from the top when someone cuts it off during the honeymoon period.

    It's miserable to suddenly have a lover/confidant/friend in the blink of an eye become none of those things. It's akin to having them die, as the person you knew seems to no longer exist and in their place stands a new person who is entirely different.

    You're not alone, it's part of life. It's an awful feeling similar to betrayal because you are now stuck with the memories of someone telling you this wouldn't happen and you allowed your guard to be let down for that and fall for someone who, in turn, did exactly what they assured you wouldn't happen.

    What you need to do right now is respect yourself and just back away. You will not change her mind by lingering around or communicating with her and you're going to stall your own healing if you stick around. You're also 100% not in the right mind you want to be for communicating to her; trust me - you need to give yourself time away from any communication for her and you'll be thankful you did in a couple months. Also, doing that does not make her just "move on" - it makes you "move on"; she's already made her choice - she can watch you be a gentleman about it, accept it and go.

    Long-term, it will save you your dignity and leave you looking better in retrospect to anyone who begs/pleads/reaches out for protracted periods of time.

    I feel for you and I promise you'll get through it. Like I said, I've been there. It's horrid.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by H3nk1
    I am disconnected from the world. It passes by and I am outside looking in, not able to take part. The emotional pain is severe, and I am scared of becoming stuck.

    It is very hard not to ruminate over what has happened, why, how and about the many what-ifs. It is very hard not to berate- and be very cruel to myself. The voice in my head is not my friend.

    First meeting with my therapist was alright. I am so done with retrospection - previous therapy has done more than enough of that. No more. I need to tackle this head-on and on a much more practical level. As such, I have arranged for 3 treatments with ketamine for depression (the first clinic in my country who offers this treatment-option) over the next week or so. After that, I will follow up with the therapist.

    There seems to be a war going on in my head. On one side, I have the voice of previous losses (this one included). With all their associated hurt, self-blame and "established truths" about myself and my relationships (i.e. "I will always be alone / abondoned", "I am not enough"). On the other side is the voice of compassion, reason and reality - which provides the only way to get through this and heal.

    I am scared because the latter voice is so weak, compared to the one which makes life hell. But I cannot give up.

    If anyone have books to recommend and/or other resources which might be helpful going forward - I would be grateful for suggestions.

    The nights and dreams are the worst. But maybe that is just part of the process...
    I'd say stick with the practical methods and I mean the most practical of practical. This means getting adequate nourishment (good food in you) and staying hydrated. When we're worried or down these things switch off for many people and fall to the wayside. You're focusing so much of your emotional and mental health and I'm worried about your physical health as they're all tied together.

    Start ingesting new material mentally if you can help it. This means seeing, doing, engaging in activities outside of the house (exercising) or outside of your comfort zone. I don't normally read in anything but English but there are times I'll switch to a different language on a news site and read in a different language that I'm not fluent in. The slower and more difficult read means I'm ingesting new material constantly and keeping my mind entertained in the process, learning new words or a new way of forming a sentence. This is just a random suggestion though. Some people like to cook or do art etc.

    Your voice will start getting stronger from the inside. You don't have to make big plans. Start from the inside out. Don't be afraid. We've all been here and we're rooting for you.

  10. #19
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    Also, the dreams will linger for a while - I used to dream vividly that I was waking up next to her only to see myself alone.

    Time away. You need to have time away from her and it will sort itself out mentally and you will move on; but until that happens, you need to accept that you're here now - you've hit the dirt after the fall and you're in pain. Give yourself a break, you're wounded and healing. Ruminating, dreaming, what-if'ing, wanting to somehow fix everything - that's all normal and part of this early process.

    Accept that it's normal, accept that you're going through the hardest part right now and give yourself a break. You're not flawed - you're experiencing something that so many have experienced that more than half of all music is about this feeling right now. That's not a flaw, that's you being f*ing normal and experiencing one of life's worst feelings every normal person has or will have to experience.

    You'd be flawed if you weren't able to feel this right now. As much a relief that would sound, you also want to be able to experience the good parts of the relationship again and you are capable of it.

    Give yourself a break, ride this out.

    Lots of people turn to music, but honestly - the sad, depressing music about a breakup isn't helpful; it's just where you're at. I personally suggest the Fu Fighter's "Is Someone Getting the Best of You?" because right now, someone has; and you need to regain control of your heart and heal.

    You got this - you're in the footsteps of so many others who have been there and made it through, you'll be helping someone else in this exact situation soon enough.

  11. #20
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    Thank you

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Oh, buddy - I've been there.

    Almost identically to you, I was there in July.

    It's a hard, hard fall from the top when someone cuts it off during the honeymoon period.

    It's miserable to suddenly have a lover/confidant/friend in the blink of an eye become none of those things. It's akin to having them die, as the person you knew seems to no longer exist and in their place stands a new person who is entirely different.
    Oh it is hard alright. I smile as I write this, as it feels like the biggest understatement of my last few years. The world is dream-like, in the worst possible way, and it seems as if the mind and body can only take in very small bits of reality at a time.

    I am really sorry you faced a similar situation this summer. How are you doing now?

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    What you need to do right now is respect yourself and just back away. You will not change her mind by lingering around or communicating with her and you're going to stall your own healing if you stick around. You're also 100% not in the right mind you want to be for communicating to her; trust me - you need to give yourself time away from any communication for her and you'll be thankful you did in a couple months. Also, doing that does not make her just "move on" - it makes you "move on"; she's already made her choice - she can watch you be a gentleman about it, accept it and go.

    Long-term, it will save you your dignity and leave you looking better in retrospect to anyone who begs/pleads/reaches out for protracted periods of time.
    I will not pursue or make contact. Indeed, her handling and (lack of) communication before, during and after this...ordeal is a big red flag to me.

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Also, the dreams will linger for a while - I used to dream vividly that I was waking up next to her only to see myself alone.
    Aw man... It is exhausting, and waking up the the nightmare that is reality right now makes coping hard. It is like getting sucker-punched in the solar plexus the moment consciousness returns.

    Originally Posted by RyanMI
    Accept that it's normal, accept that you're going through the hardest part right now and give yourself a break. You're not flawed - you're experiencing something that so many have experienced that more than half of all music is about this feeling right now. That's not a flaw, that's you being f*ing normal and experiencing one of life's worst feelings every normal person has or will have to experience.

    You got this - you're in the footsteps of so many others who have been there and made it through, you'll be helping someone else in this exact situation soon enough.
    Thank you so much for reaching out, it says a great deal about you and how...transformative heartbreak can be. The pain is humbling, and while the heart is broken - it is broken open.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'd say stick with the practical methods and I mean the most practical of practical. This means getting adequate nourishment (good food in you) and staying hydrated. When we're worried or down these things switch off for many people and fall to the wayside. You're focusing so much of your emotional and mental health and I'm worried about your physical health as they're all tied together.
    I try to eat and sleep. The mind clearly exhaust the system... Even though my work-out routine is on hold, I loose weight despite trying to eat both properly and enough.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Start ingesting new material mentally if you can help it. This means seeing, doing, engaging in activities outside of the house (exercising) or outside of your comfort zone.

    Your voice will start getting stronger from the inside. You don't have to make big plans. Start from the inside out. Don't be afraid. We've all been here and we're rooting for you.
    I am listening to audio-books on loss. That is pretty much what I can handle when I am alone. I went to a lecture on philosophy on tuesday. I will attend a different one today. It is hard, but I do think it is important to force myself out of my house - even though the pain and disconnect is present in whatever I am doing...

    This is very hard. So thank you for rooting for me. It means a lot!
    Last edited by H3nk1; 10-17-2019 at 09:01 AM.

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