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Thread: After guys meet me in person they say im "not bad looking"?

  1. #1
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    After guys meet me in person they say im "not bad looking"?

    Okay so I'm new here and i really need to vent right now. I'm 23 years old and I've been online dating off and on for 6 years now. I met a total of 15 guys in person from various dating/social sites. I have had some good luck with a few guys. I only was seeing two/dated 3 guys for one month (separate times of course) and one of the guys i dated for a short time was bisexual and the other was more like a friend's with benefits type situation but we didn't fool around or have sex we just made out and held hands and cuddled and went out to eat. The other guy was a Christian and I only saw him like 4 times in a month so that wasn't much, i only saw him once a week. I feel like maybe his grandparents possibly forced him to see me again but im not sure.

    I ended up meeting them on the first date. I had second dates with 2 guys where it didnt lead to anymore dates and one kind of pitied me I think so we he didnt see me for a third date. I have made the mistake in the past of telling future dates or guys i was going to meet up with, about how i been hurt and used before and I was naive to do that.

    I told them cause i was worried they too would run out during a first date before the date started cause I had 4 guys in 6 years run out on me during a first date like within 20 minutes of meeting me and that damaged my self esteem so i told future guys about it hoping they won't do the same but I figured its wrong to do that cause now I cant tell if they want to see me again cause they dont wanna hurt my feelings or cause they like me. Anyway, I don't use filters like most girls, i don't use any filters on my pics. I have recent full body pics and i always have. I post no makeup pics too cause i don't really wear makeup but i have worn it on some dates but most dates i didn't.

    Here's what's killing me, I have actually was bold enough to ask a few of my old dates since they sometimes reach out and see how I'm doing after not talking for a year and I asked them if I looked attractive in person and one said "I didn't find you unattractive" hence he said UNattractive (same guy that assured me i was still cute but made an excuse to leave before we got to hang out). (I'll call him Albert). Albert was gonna be more of a fwb and i was fine with that. His reasoning for leaving early was my dad approaching him and spooking him out tho my dad was friendly to him but i told him ahead of time he will probably have to meet my dad if he's gonna hang at my house and he said he was fine with meeting him so thats what I didn't understand.

    My dad did i think startle him from walking in the Jack in the box unexpectedly to shake his hand. I also remember when Albert left, he texted and said "sorry I just had to go, something felt off, I can't explain it, it just didn't feel right, I'll sleep it off" and i texted back "I'm sorry if you think I'm ugly you had to leave" and he said "I'm sorry". Later he kept assuring me I'm still cute in person but something didnt feel right and that he wasnt expecting my dad to just come in like that Idk. I was only with Albert for 15 minutes before he made an excuse to leave. He's a sexual guy and he would still say he wanted me and stuff but wasnt sure if he could see me again so I blocked him.

    Now 5 months after meeting up with him, I ask him if he found me attractive in person but he said "I didn't find you unattractive" instead of saying i was still cute like he always did. I pointed out he was avoiding the question and he kind of admitted he was then I asked if I was cute in person again and he said "yes but you need to learn to love yourself" he left it at that. I saw a picture of his ex that he was with for a year that he met on a dating site and in my opinion she looks worse than me but to him she was beautiful. I also video chatted with Albert before meeting and he always said i was cute and beautiful before we met up.

    There's this next guy (we will call him Jacob) Jacob and i talked for a few days then i remembered he stopped texting for a couple months then he texted again one day on a dating app and seemed really eager to meet me and said he was just going through alot so I forgave him and we met up in person and he seemed real jokey and funny and friendly and outgoing. We were talking about kissing and going to his house but i let him know ahead of time that day that i couldn't go to his place cause i didnt have the time but that we can still hang out for an hour and he was ok with it.

    I noticed he didnt try to kiss me like he said he would and I had my sunglasses on cause i was feeling insecure and i didnt want him to run off if he saw me without them but anyway i think eventually he said I'm beautiful but my sunglasses were still on and he gave me a confident boost i think so I took them off after telling him why i was hiding behind them and he said "you don't look bad" with a little smile on his face .

    When he said that it felt like he punched me in the gut and I started crying. He gave me a hug and said he didnt mean it in a bad way, he meant that i looked good and that he says that to everyone. "Don't let it get to you" he says. He texted to ask me later if i got home okay and was still flirty in his texts after that and we were planning for a second meet up then a few days later he randomly blocked me so thats the end of that.Then there's this guy (his name will be Charlie) so Charlie was more of a meet up. I guess Jacob was too so they werent really dates. Albert wasnt a date eighter.

    Anyway Charlie and i talked for a week and he said i looked cute in my pics so we met up in person and he was real quiet and we werent really feeling each other. He did say the sunglasses I was wearing looked cute on me and asked me if we could hold hands bit i politely declined. He told me shortly after that i could leave if I wanted since we didn't have much in common so we both left after 30 minutes. Charlie messages me once after not speaking for 4 months and i asked him if i was attractive in person and he said "yeah" we talked for a bit and nothing came of it.

    A year later he messages me on Meet me app and i asked him after chatting a bit and him complimenting my new pictures, if i looked like my pics in person. He said "yeah" and i asked "did you find me attractive in person?" He said "yeah your not too bad" ? Why didnt he just say I looked cute? Not to be full of myself but i think I'm kind of cute and I'm aware I'm no model but still, i see unattractive girls in relationships all the time and so I don't know why im struggling.

    I hear women tell their stories how men say they look more beautiful or better in person well i wished that would happen to me! I think only two guys said that to me, one that said im beautiful ended up talking crap about me on Facebook and making posts to his friends about how he didnt like me but kissed and held my hand anyway and he got alot of comments but i didnt read them cause im sure he was saying im ugly too. We weren't friends on there eighter I just found out he made that post after we got in an argument and he was telling people he wad glad I'm out of his life meanwhile showing off the girls he did like on Facebook.


    I've only kissed guys met online well except one from high school whos my fwb. All these guys I'm talking about I met online with the exception of one. I don't believe the few dates that did say i was cute or pretty in person cause of what the others said. Most of these guys didnt compliment me on the first date at all despite saying they would.

    The ones that did compliment me without me asking or anything, ended up leaving early or rejecting me before a second date one way or another. It doesn't help that one guy drove away on a first meet up after I took my sunglasses off and this was right after I pulled away politely from a kiss and told him we should kiss later on the first date and went to the restroom and I came back and he was gone and he wouldnt answer my calls or texts til the next day and said he got scared i didnt like him so he left. He kissed me after i took my glasses off but yea. He started being sexual and asking for nudes and saying he liked my body.

    Thats the thing these guys wanted a relationship and once they actually meet me they no longer want me as a girlfriend not most of them, but they act sexual and try to hookup or get nudes out of me. Some end up in a relationship with someone a few months later despite telling me after meeting me that they decided they didn't want one. I don't know what to do at this point.

    Guys dont talk to me in person and idk my worst nightmarish fears are confirmed that guys in real life think im grotesquely unattractive. I don't believe the ones that say i look like my pics. I miss being cuddled and having a boyfriend and feeling safe but now i worry I'll never find anyone again. I gotta say I have a hearing disability and guys knew about this and met me anyway and the guys that seen me multiple times and dated me all had a disability in some way so idk if thats part of it.

    I know I been blocked a few times sending a regular video of me talking just so guys know how i sound which is a real mild speech impediment and others didnt block but one guy said i wasnt as cute in the video as my pics and said it was probably the lighting and another in a wheel chair said he thought I had down syndrome or some mental disability cause I was looking around or something but i was nervous in it. Anyway the ones that didn't block, i told them people blocked and asked why they would block me and their like "idk". Well anyway like i said my pics are recent, no makeup, no filters so I don't get it.

    How can I look like my pics? Anyone else ever had something similar happened where your ugliness was confirmed or guys acted like they werent attracted to you in person after talking online? How do i deal with this? Im so sad im actually getting drunk tonight and I can't sleep cause of this. How to deal with being told im not "bad looking" by my dates when they thought i was beautiful before?
    Last edited by Sakura123; 10-09-2019 at 01:53 AM.

  2. #2
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    You seem really focused on your physical features and I cannot understand why you'd ask someone you met once or a few times to evaluate your physical features. These are near strangers and you've only met 15 men in person and asked a few.

    Here are some things to consider -why are you wearing sunglasses when you meet someone - to me that shows a reluctance to make eye contact, to be present. How is your posture -do you carry yourself with confidence? Do you dress appropriately and in clothes that are flattering and fit properly? Why are you doing photos and videos instead of meeting in person? Very often physical features are not the main thing -the main thing is chemistry -that can have something to do with physical features but more often it's the way the person sparkles, makes eye contact, carries herself, her body language -is she approachable, fun, friendly, genuine? Does she smile/have a positive vibe?

    Just some things to consider. Dating is hard and requires a thick skin. I dated for many years with a specific goal in mind so it made it worth all the work/time/effort/annoyance.

  3. #3
    dont even be around the people who judge by apperance they are idiots
    look for some one who connects with ur heart ..

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by hotguy6556
    dont even be around the people who judge by apperance they are idiots
    look for some one who connects with ur heart ..
    I don't think they are judging her at all. She is judging herself and called them to ask their opinions of her physical features. So, they responded.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok. Make first meets brief and public like just grabbing a cup of coffee, etc. And meet after a couple of texts. First meets are not therapy and inflicting your insecurities comes off as a tragedy queen. Have you considered that you are undermining and sabotaging dates by doing that?

    Perhaps you are fine looking but give off air of desperation that even good looks would have anyone running. Be much more confident. Contacting men to judge your looks is creepy. Stop it. Try not to be so vain. Focus on improving your confidence and social skills. Don't drink to drown your problems. Go to a therapist instead.

  7. #6
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    Maybe it's better to stop dating for a while, and focus on improving your social skills. You seem to have low self-esteem, a therapist or a good book could help. Seeking validation from these guys makes you look desperate, you have to feel comfortable in your own skin before looking for a boyfriend. Good luck!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Honey, it's not your looks, it's your complete lack of basic social skills and extreme personal insecurities that you want to inflict on your poor dates. I was cringing reading your post and I'm not surprised that guys run away from that. Also, stop asking guys for feedback, because you make yourself look completely unhinged and when you act like that, people will get harsh and say whatever mean thing they think will make you go away. When you are demanding negative feedback, you'll get it.

    The good news is that you can fix both, social skills and extreme insecurities. Social skills are learned. Insecurities can be fixed. You literally need to learn how to behave appropriately. Find a life coach or a therapist, but take care of that and you'll change your life and results completely. Yes, your behavior is so off you need real professional coaching and help to get your head screwed on straight.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You wear your emotional baggage of hurt and lack of self worth like a crown of thorns. It shouts a message to guys that you're not ready to date and if you think there's something wrong with yourself, they think "Well, she knows herself better than anyone. Maybe there is something wrong with her."

    What is emotional baggage? It's making a guy do the time for a crime someone else committed. It's expecting the worst instead of having a positive outlook like, "I'm going to have a delicious cup of coffee and enjoy getting to know this new person."

    When a guy sees a quivering bowl of gelatinous nerves, how is he enjoying the encounter?

    Confidence and a joyous personality is the biggest attractor, and boosts a person's looks, just as a sad sack, anxious persona will lessen a person's attractiveness.

    If you can't afford therapy, start reading books and articles on two things: getting rid of emotional baggage and improving your self esteem. Until you reach those pinnacles, stop dating. You're the project worth working on for the moment, because your future happiness relies on it.

    When you can sit down with a guy and not project to the future or what he's thinking of you, then you might be ready. When you can just have a wait and see attitude of, "Either both of us will share chemistry or we won't, and I'll be fine if not. Fate has someone else in store for me." Then it'll be another sign you're ready.

    When you are ready, you might find Meetup.com as a less stressful way of meeting singles. Take care.

  10. #9
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    I have made the mistake in the past of telling future dates or guys i was going to meet up with, about how i been hurt and used before and I was naive to do that.

    Yup, big mistake. Guys with healthy boundaries would run away as fast as they could, because you would probably call them a user or be super duper clingy.

    Introducing a guy that you just met to your dad--- um, no. If you want to be an adult, date like an adult. If you still live at home, meet outside the house and when it gets to the point that a guy picks you up for a date - a two second introduction would suffice, not a "you have to meet my dad before we date".

    I honestly think you should take a break from dating to work on your self confidence and maybe get out to meet new groups of people like through networking, volunteering, hobbies

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Dear OP:
    Why do you think you need other people to tell you how you look? I think many people feel insecure about their looks to varying degrees, but they do a better job of hiding it. One line dating can be brutal when a person is already feeling insecure. So applaud you trying... but here is my advice: until you are dating a person for a while and know them a little better, follow your own judgment. If you get a vibe that a person is pitying you, dump them. If you feel they are using you, dump them. If you feel anything other than fun, companionship, mutual interest, end it.

    It's ok to date someone a few times and not know what it is or what it means, but when you get the vibe-- listen to it. Whether it is five minutes in or a couple of dates later.


    It's ok for someone to not be interested in you for any reason-- looks, personality, their own situation is affecting them. The majority of the time it isn't you. It is them. That old line. "its not you, it's me" does have a lot of truth to it. Something in them, doesn't see the greatness in you. And that's their decision or problem or however you want to phrase it. It is not your job to fix anyone. It is your job to make good decisions for yourself, to find the people that find the beauty in you.

    Rejection hurts. But in some ways, it sounds like you are asking these guys to decide very quickly about you. Do you know what I mean? It's odd to ask a stranger, what they think of you. It seems rather insecure and needy. Dating is hard. But it should be light and fun. Don't pin your hopes and dreams on a guy you just met. Look at the meeting as an opportunity to get out of the house, have some laughs and come home. Work on your own self esteem.


    Frankly, being told you are pretty on first date can be nice and flattering. It can also be a red flag and creepy. So be careful what you wish for. No one has the right to judge you. They might anyway, but you do not have to accept their judgment. YOU DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT IS ATTRACTIVE ABOUT YOU. Remember that. Good luck.

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