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Im afraid to lose him


hughkayl

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hey y'all,

 

Ive dated this guy for almost 4 months. he is a really great guy it's really sad to say but, probably the first guy to really treat me with respect and love because ive had pretty bad past relationships. were from the same town and live about 5 minutes from each other. We had a pretty good relationship we talked everyday and he came to see me every weekend. he seemed pretty serious about me ive met his mom and he did express about meeting my family one day as well. Although he was great, he was struggling with personal issues. In January, he got out of a relationship and as well a few weeks before his birthday his father passed away and while we dating a co-worker that he was close to passed away in June. When i was with him i knew he was struggling with this, he would have nightmares and sometimes shut down. i tried my best to be there for him as much as possible. he told me this was the first time he was happy in a while since he has met me and expressed to him that if his father met me he would of been proud of him. In july, he decided to break things off because he felt like he wasn't 100% in it because of the crazy year his been having. the breakup was and is still hard on me. i was emotional and he was emotional as well. i told him i didnt want lose him because he was important to me and i was fearing of losing him or never seeing each other again. he promised to me that we would see each other again and hang out one day. so fast forward, i didnt speak to him for two months until early september i decided to reach out to see how he was doing. we texted and ended up facetiming that night. we both said we missed each other and he told me he is doing okay and is currently attending therapy and working on himself. i asked if he was still down to hang out and he said yes but not right now because he wants to be okay first. we talked about the relationship and he said that rn he is feeling things out but he said that he didnt want to reach out just yet to make things confusing so after that conversation i realized on facebook that he restricted his posts which basically means were still friends but he can control which posts to make private or public. i freaked out but i asked my friend to look at his page and she saw the same thing so i tried my best not to take it personally. i decided to reach out again a week ago but he hasnt responded. so should i give him his space?

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Yes, please definitely give him space. He's not in a good headspace and that is going to influence everything he says and does. If you push for something you will come across as self-centered and disrespectful. Try not to do that. Please also do not ask your friends or anyone else to spy on him.

 

You should work on your self-esteem in the meantime and don't second guess yourself or others if you trusted that connection. Someone who deceives you is worth losing. You do not have to take care of that. The universe will take care of it for you.

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Yes, give him his space. His silence is evidence that he doesn't wish to communicate right now.

 

He hasn't sought you out at this point. He was responsive and friendly to you, but he didn't take the initiative to contact you first. I am not sure I would wait around for him, though. There is no telling that he will come back, so it's important that you concentrate on moving on.

 

Out of curiosity, how did you realize he was restricting what he posted on FB?

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That's ok. He has good boundaries and is using this time to keep himself protected from unwanted contact or intrusions. He knows where you are. Try to leave him alone. As far as dating it seems like a lost cause, so try moving forward not backward.

i realized on facebook that he restricted his posts which basically means were still friends but he can control which posts to make private or public. i freaked out but i asked my friend to look at his page and she saw the same thing so i tried my best not to take it personally.
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He only promised hanging out, not getting back together. You won't be happy just being friends because you then have to one day witness him being with a new love.

 

I would assume he won't be asking you to get back together, so for your own emotional closure, get on with your life. He made the decision to end things, so the ball is in his court. Very often, people lie and give a reasonable explanation to end things, but the real reason would hurt your feelings so a person might go for the less hurtful explanation.

 

I'm the type of person who would be comforted by a loved one's presence in time of strife like this. Perhaps he's the opposite and you will have to accept his decision. Since it's caused you pain and there's a low risk of him reconnecting, it's time for you to mourn this relationship so you can heal. I would unfollow him on FB or he will be fresh on your mind every day and that'll prevent closure.

 

The right guy will stick around, so hold out for him. Take care.

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It's time to move forward. Scanning his social media could prevent you from realizing it's over and start the stalking and obsessing mentality. He doesn't owe you anything. Accept it's over. Let him be.

I still see certain posts and his mutual friends still pop up on the people you may know tab.
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I am sorry you are hurting. Trust me I know how this feels.

I know you may be tempted to contact him " just to say hi" or look at his social media.

Please do your best to refrain from it. There are wonderful people here that can help you through it.

I received a great amount of support. Feel free to check my thread but I am warning you- it is long and possibly boring for some.

I also found a great help in no contact videos on you tube.

No contact is the only way to go in our case. It is hard but doable.

We need to carry on girl. Better days will come!

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I know this is hard, but agree with the above—especially the bit about unfollowing on FB for your own peace of mind and healing. It doesn't sound like a healthy platform for you in this moment. I'm not sure how old you are, but as someone who came of age before social media I've become pretty attuned to how poisonous it can be in these situations.

 

Back in the day the nuts and bolts of these sad junctures in life were clear as day: someone ends things, asks for space, and from that moment on they go back to their life and you go back to yours—with no warped windows into things in order to get a read on what they are "really" thinking and feeling. Without that window, accepting reality was easier.

 

Subtract FB from this and what do you have? A guy you dated for 4 months, who cut things off because he realized, and expressed in clear language, that he wasn't able to date you. You reached back out—totally allowed—and he let you know that he is in the exact same place as he was 60 days prior. Those are the facts here. Shuffle them around any which way and you do not complete the puzzle of a romantic relationship about to take off again.

 

So any urge to reach out yet again is driven by you putting your hopes and feelings at a higher level than his, and his reality. That's disrespectful—to him, to reality—and solid relationships, platonic or romantic, do not thrive when they're build on disrespect.

 

The person you want to be with, ultimately, is not going to require chess moves and emotional extraction to "make it work." All this spinning is just evidence that he is not that person—not now, which means the ultimate peace and power for you right now is coming to terms with that and letting go of this. It's getting comfortable with the story that this man is not your person.

 

Do people come back around, get back together? Yeah, it happens. Rarely—and, generally, it only happens once someone has let go and accepted reality rather than trying to control it to align with their fantasy. So if your heart still longs for him and is writing stories of reconciliation, remind yourself that that only comes by letting go of this chapter, not gripping it so hard that it cracks.

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He told you he wanted space." he is feeling things out but he said that he didn't want to reach out" By reaching out, you are being very disrespectful. I would find it very annoying. Also, he never responded to your text. That is pretty clear.

 

Leave him alone.

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So I was being disrespectful to him when I messaged him the second time because I asked how he was doing? Or do you mean if I keep reaching out I’m being disrespectful?

 

I'm using "disrespectful" in a slightly different way. Think of it as not respecting reality rather than him.

 

The second time reaching out was driven by nerves, by fear, by your feelings. You didn't like what FB was telling you, without quite knowing what it was telling you, and neither did you like that he told you, again, that he wasn't down to hang right now, that he still wanted silence.

 

Understandable, all that frustration, since it didn't line up with the story you want to be the real story. So you poked again to see if he'd give you the story you want. You may have asked "How are you doing?" but the intention behind it was "I'm not doing great—please make me feel better." After all, he'd already told you how he was doing.

 

So, yeah, there was a whiff of "disrespect"—of reality—in that second reach out. And, yes, any further reaching out is more disrespect. Reality, above all, is what demands our respect, even when we don't like reality.

 

It sucks. We meet people, connect, and pretty quickly start pinning all sorts of hopes on them. But if they don't share those hopes, and don't want yours pinned to them, there is nothing we can do but heal, and move forward. That is self-respect—respecting the reality of our own lives instead of believing another person owes us something to improve that reality.

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The guy is dealing with a lot at this point. He is in no place to contribute anything. I strongly suggest that you leave him alone to deal with his stuff. You do not even know if he will wants to continue with you, and so I suggest you move on with your life. If he reaches out, great. If he doesn't, great. But, you will not be wasting your precious life waiting on some guy to get his stuff together. Move on!

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