Can a person really change?

Long story short. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Over the three years i have called her out on being rude and disrespectful to me. I have broke up with her a couple times over the issue. After each break up she apologizes and we make up. We recently had and incident where i felt she was being rude and disrespectful again, so i broke it off. Shes had a bad past with her previous relationships and her childhood. She claims that's why she acts the way she does sometimes. She reached out to me again and claimed that she got a counselor and is really trying to work on things. should i trust her this time, or just move on with my life and find someone we meets my needs. can a person really change?

You can't bank a relationship on one person changing, especially when it's been on and off. It's not about her being rude, it's about you and her being obviously completely incompatible and that's not going to change. Basically, what you deem rude and disrespectful, another guy might not even notice as such. She needs to find her tribe and where she fits and you need to find a woman who operates naturally on your wavelength.

When it's this difficult, it's time to part ways and stay parted. It won't get any easier going forward because in the long run, people cannot and do not fundamentally change their core personality.

You can't bank a relationship on one person changing, especially when it's been on and off. It's not about her being rude, it's about you and her being obviously completely incompatible and that's not going to change. Basically, what you deem rude and disrespectful, another guy might not even notice as such. She needs to find her tribe and where she fits and you need to find a woman who operates naturally on your wavelength.

 

When it's this difficult, it's time to part ways and stay parted. It won't get any easier going forward because in the long run, people cannot and do not fundamentally change their core personality.

I don't think it's fair for you to expect her to change. Breaking up with someone out of exasperation isn't a good idea either. It just twists an already convoluted and heated situation into something worse and the expectations for someone to change hangs like an ultimatum. It's unrealistic and unfair to both of you.

Either stay with her or break up with her... the "come here / go away" approach isn't healthy for either of you.

At the end of the day, people can change... it's a great deal of hard work and persistence on the part of the person doing the changing, and requires a great deal of empathy, tolerance and patience from the person who is supporting the change. It's up to you as to whether you decide to wait this out or whether you see this as a deal breaker... personally I don't have time and patience anymore to support someone through changing a behavior that I find hurtful and demeaning so I would see it as a deal breaker.

Tell to maybe come back after a few years of therapy. If you are available. But for now you are done.

Change takes time, not a few weeks or months. The main problem is, is that she does not respect you. This will never change.

Sorry to hear this. On/off relationships are generally rude and disrespectful in nature. There is too much chronically unresolved conflict. Dumping her as punishment all the time is rude and disrespectful also. Try to get along, get the egos out of the way...or stay broken up. It's devolved into a power struggle spiced with hop back in the sack.

I have broke up with her a couple times over the issue. After each break up she apologizes and we make up. We recently had and incident where i felt she was being rude and disrespectful again, so i broke it off.

I don't think I break up with her to punish her, I genuinely break up with her, because in that moment I don't want to be with her anymore.

I don't think I break up with her to punish her, I genuinely break up with her, because in that moment I don't want to be with her anymore.

This is a bit impulsive. Think longer range.

This is a bit impulsive. Think longer range.

i like that.. " acts naturally on my wave length"... when i say rude and disrespectful what i mean is...sometimes cursing at me... sometimes raising her voice and other times resenting me without communicating whats hurting her.

So you are indeed fundamentally incompatible and that's not going to change. Some people curse, some people yell, some people give the silent treatment, some people want to sit and talk things to death for hours - there is not right and wrong way. Only what is personally right for you. If being cursed at or yelled at is not your thing, your job is to walk away for good and mean it. Find a woman who simply doesn't act like that because that's not her nature, not her personality and not how she communicates. Find a woman who speaks YOUR language when it comes to conflict and communication because THAT is one of the most critical things in any healthy relationship. Relationships are never about bending or training someone into your ways of being, it's about finding someone who is already made that way.

Your ex needs to move on and find a guy who won't bat an eye at her language and can respond on her level. Again, all about compatibility.

Please stop taking her back only to dump her again. Be honest that this isn't working for you and never has. It's a toxic swamp and it's beyond past time to step away from that. Yes, she may cry and beg and promise change, BUT......the kindest thing you can do for the both of you is to put a final end to this. You both need completely different partners in order to find happiness.

It doesn't make either one of you a bad person or even in need of therapy, to be honest. The problem here is that two people who have no business being together keep trying to force things to work. Stop stop stop. Let go, heal, move on for both of your sakes.

So you are indeed fundamentally incompatible and that's not going to change. Some people curse, some people yell, some people give the silent treatment, some people want to sit and talk things to death for hours - there is not right and wrong way. Only what is personally right for you. If being cursed at or yelled at is not your thing, your job is to walk away for good and mean it. Find a woman who simply doesn't act like that because that's not her nature, not her personality and not how she communicates. Find a woman who speaks YOUR language when it comes to conflict and communication because THAT is one of the most critical things in any healthy relationship. Relationships are never about bending or training someone into your ways of being, it's about finding someone who is already made that way.

 

Your ex needs to move on and find a guy who won't bat an eye at her language and can respond on her level. Again, all about compatibility.

 

Please stop taking her back only to dump her again. Be honest that this isn't working for you and never has. It's a toxic swamp and it's beyond past time to step away from that. Yes, she may cry and beg and promise change, BUT......the kindest thing you can do for the both of you is to put a final end to this. You both need completely different partners in order to find happiness.

 

It doesn't make either one of you a bad person or even in need of therapy, to be honest. The problem here is that two people who have no business being together keep trying to force things to work. Stop stop stop. Let go, heal, move on for both of your sakes.

what do you mean longer range?

Pardon - I meant long term. Think longer term. What this means is don't act on impulse. If things have ended, end it permanently. If things are sacred and good between the both of you, don't impulsively break up in the heat of the moment. The back and forth is disrespectful to both of you and adds no stability to the relationship.

You should decide for yourself whether it's worth ending or continuing. There's a lot of context missing here in the short space of boxes. Either of you could be reacting unfairly towards each other or in the heat of the moment. Be more fair to each other and don't place unrealistic expectations on each other either. You should be aware of what you are and what the other person is (your characters etc). Use that information more consciously.

Whenever there's zero emotional intelligence (EQ) and zero empathy, no a person is hopeless. They will not change for themselves nor for you nor anybody for that matter. A leopard cannot change its spots. They are who they are.

Many people never grow up and they're chronically immature.

People can change if they're intelligent. If they're unintelligent, no, they'll never change.

The real question is: How many chances are you willing to give her or anyone? I say, "One and done, two if you're lucky."

Wait...you've been with this girlfriend for 3 years?

Then who was this?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561440

A person only changes on their own accord, based upon their terms and timeline. You can't mold them to your will. You can't convince nor persuade them. Never be naive.

Either the maturity level exists or it is NOT there.

Expecting people to meet your expectations regarding respectable behavior is like beating a dead horse. Hopeless.